TW: Eating disorder, Bad relationship with parents, cursing.
I've always had a bad relationship with food, it's no secret I've never been normal at this topic.
Even when I was just a toddler I was a picky eater, I guess the younger I was the easier it was for me to try new things but it just went downhill.
I just survived because of the stuff I did like back in the day, I've never tasted a sandwich! I did have a bite out of it but it ended with everything but good.
Mom has told me that I need to eat more and mostly that I'll get leucemia or whatever..
Honestly I would rather have that than keep living in here. Sure I do get many Luxuries but why would I want them if it's just to keep me away from them.
I have multiple board games that they've never been once used all family. I guess the closest we got is that day we played Uno with my cousin and my dad watching
That was at least a year ago. So you must imagine how lonely it gets around here.. the one I play the most is my mom because I look up to her, yet I wish she was sober whenever she told me she loved me...
One thing that is very triggering to me is the "proud" thing, I had my first panic attack at 11 when I was forced to eat a soup and she told me she was so proud of my sister because she was in the honour table thing.
I literally screamed at the top of my lungs and bursted out crying at the second. It was not a good feeling.
and the worst is that the most comfort I got from it was "hey, hey, stop it." Coming from my dad when he saw I was literally struggling to breathe.
After all this I realise that most of the forced eating stuff just made my disorder worse. I've been trying, yet I feel like I can't.
I never got a "you can do it" from my family in this topic, and I feel like even a pat on- nevermind. It would just discourage me.
Right now I'm having the first meal of the day, at 3:30 pm yay! I'm eating a single quesadilla with a slice of cheese on the side with a PediaSure.
According to my mom it makes me go more hungry and it gives me energy, although I do drink it to sleep.
In any way, I guess that was all I needed, maybe next I'll talk about SA? I know a lot of tricks to it which is concerning, although I never tried it. Sort of.
Bye!
"You Can vent around here if you have a similar problem/situation"