🎶 1 step forward, 3 steps back
Published on 02.01.2023
❝ it's always one step forward and three steps back,
do you love me, want me, hate me,
boy, i don't understand. ❞
🥀
"Inaaya, your admission in Cambridge," Kartik tightens his hold around her shoulder, his tone murky. "Your admission was done by Ayansh."
Her face blanked for a moment before she felt a jolt as the words registered in her brain. She looked between the two, unable to believe the piece of information. "No," she murmured, feeling suffocated, her vision glassy.
Ayansh tried to explain. "Inaaya, listen- "
"I thought I got there on my own merit," she croaked out with difficulty, her voice barely above a whisper.
"You did!" Ayansh asserted and took a step forward when she instinctively winced, pushing herself closer to her brother. A fresh pang of hurt was felt by Ayansh as he tried to control the situation. "You got there by your own merit; you gave the exam, you passed with good marks, you got the scholarship."
"I- I'm not able to understand anything. What's- what's happening?" She inquired, stumbling upon her words like a scared child.
"Inu," his brother called out softly, freeing her from the cage of his arm and looking at him intently. "Remember the email?" She nodded frantically, remembering the confirmation mail that she had got asking her if she really wanted to opt out of the exam since she hadn't filled the second form and the deadline had passed. "Ayansh had requested them to send it to you. He was the one who talked to them and managed to convince them with the help of Mr. Stevens."
Her mind tried to wrap itself around the revelation.
Lie. Another lie. Is her life all about it? Getting out of one world manipulated by lies just to be pushed into another for years?
Her eyes snapped to her brother, an unreadable emotion swirling in them. "You knew?"
Kartik clenched his jaw and nodded stiffly as Ayansh looked away in helplessness.
"Since when?"
Kartik shared a look with Ayansh before he reluctantly said the truth. "Even before you."
She froze, every nerve in her body seemed to have stopped functioning for that one specific second. Everything came crashing down upon her and the next moment, she found herself chuckling at the situation or maybe that laugh was directed at herself for getting played by once again. "Et tu, Brute?"
"Inu, I can explain- "
"You knew and you didn't tell me," she laughed through her tears.
"Don't get me wrong, Inu- "
"You knew all this while and still you decided to never tell me." She chuckled through her pain.
"Inu- "
"You knew and you didn't stop him," sbe accused, a whimper leaving past her lips. "You knew yet you allowed it to happen knowing very well that I wanted to forget his bloody existence. How could you let him do it? How could you hide it from me? How could you allow him to decide for me- "
"Yes, I did because I was the one who asked him to stay away from you!" Kartik snapped, spilling the truth, making her mind go numb, making her thoughts to come to a standstill, making her breath get caught in her throat.
"What- what do you mean?" She asked in dread, her voice breaking and her eyes slowly going to Ayansh who bit the inside of his cheek and blinked looking above to not let tears escape his eyes.
Kartik sighed heavily. "He had come to meet you but you were at college. I found him across our house, outside the gate. I asked him to go back but he insisted on meeting you, he wanted to apologise. He begged actually," he paused for a moment, locking his eyes with Ayansh before continuing. "I told him a lot, blamed him, rightfully," he emphasized on the last word, "he said he just wanted to meet you once and then, he'll go away but how could I let him? I didn't want him anywhere near you," he grits out, his jaw ticking. "I made him clear that I wasn't letting him anywhere close to you and reluctantly he had to agree. That's when he asked if you were still going to Cambridge."
Kartik pinched the bridge of his nose as raw anger began to consume him, thinking of that moment.
"Then?" Inaaya inquired.
"I was furious obviously," Kartik spat out. "The fucking audacity of this guy to ask about Cambridge as if he wasn't the one to ruin your plans, the audacity to act as if he didn't know you weren't going there, that you had decided to stay back in India and complete your studies because of him," he chuckles bitterly. "I gave him an earful again and that's when I noticed something was strange about him. Why would he ask about Cambridge when he already knew about it? It didn't make sense. It didn't make sense that he would bring in that topic out of all things. It was fishy and when I inquired, he wasn't ready to reveal anything, kept saying I'm thinking too deep."
"And when I told him the truth, he asked me to stay away from you if I didn't want him to tell you the truth because if you knew that I was the one who asked them to send that email, you would have never reconsidered it." Ayansh completed, his voice hoarse and laded with anguish.
Kartik gave a lopsided, dark smile. "And since he was already guilty and feeling miserable, it wasn't hard to make him agree to it."
Ayansh clenched his fists and glared at Kartik.
Inaaya's palms were sweaty and she wiped her tears streaming down her cheeks by the back of her hand. "That's the reason you hate Bhai?" The rhetorical question was directed at Ayansh as she took a small step away from Kartik.
Kartik snorts before Ayansh could respond. "I really don't get him or his attitude. I asked him to stay away and yet here he is, with you. I didn't ask him to go to Cambridge and yet he went for you then what grudge is he holding against me?"
Her tears had dried up and she felt exhausted, spent out completely. She gazed at Ayansh warily, hurt pricking at her like thorns. "You stayed away from me because Bhai asked you to?" Her lips quivered as she voiced out her fear.
Ayansh contemplated before shaking his head. "Initially? Yes. But later on, it was my decision. I didn't want to be a hindrance in your life."
She scanned his face for any trace of lie behind his words only to find guilt, pain and apology painted on it. Moments of past played in her mind as a series in order and suddenly the parts she never understood made complete sense to her. A gasp leaves her lips when the realisation hits her like a truck. She sniffs as her eyes start to water again. "You met Bhai that day, didn't you?" She croaks out.
Kartik tries to reach her out, tries to hold her hand when she recoils and holds up her palm, stopping him. "Don't."
"Inaaya," he calls out carefully but she doesn't pay heed.
"I'm asking you something Ayansh," she pleads to him. "You saw me at college, you were standing right across me, you knew I wanted you to come to me yet you simply left as if I was a fucking stranger." She sobs and presses her hand on her mouth to stifle her cries of agony.
"I'm sorry," Ayansh mouths, his voice a helpless murmur, his eyes glassed due to unshed tears.
Her heart ached. She squeezed her eyes shut and covered her face with her palms, sniffing softly, trying futilely to stop those unrestrainable tears.
"Inu- "
"How did you know about Rahul?" She asked with a sense of urgency.
"I thought you must have told him," Ayansh answered instead quietly, making her look at him again. "I- I apologized to him on behalf of my brother and that's when I realised that you never told him about him."
"I've never known a man as petty as his brother," Kartik added, looking at Ayansh with disgust. "Like he wanted revenge from our Dad because he lost a deal and for that he wanted to hurt you? I wish I could rip him apart."
His harsh words didn't affect Inaaya. Her mind was in a completely different tangent. She felt like a joke, her life felt like a joke because just when she thought she was getting better, things were getting clearer, she was dropped into another pool of truth where glasses splintered breaking the illusion of lies that she was living in unaware.
"Inaaya, say something." Ayansh begged in a low voice, apprehensive and concerned.
"Inu, don't get me wrong please," Kartik said desperately. "I just didn't want to see you in more pain."
A chuckle spluttered from her mouth and she sniffled, blinking back the tears. She looked at her brother with betrayal crossing her features. "And... who gave you the right to do this?" She looked between the two. "Who gave you the right to decide what I should do with my life? Who gave you the permission to make decisions concerning me without even consulting me?" Her voice went an octave higher as her eyes burned.
"Inu," Kartik's voice wavered. "Let's talk." He held her hand but she pulled it away.
"Leave me alone." She stepped back. "Just fucking leave me alone." She strode away, raking a frustrated hand through her hair.
Kartik immediately turned to Ayansh and before he could speak, he interrupted. "I'll talk to her. Give her some space, she'll be fine- "
"Don't do this again," Ayansh shook his head, his heart hurting.
"Trust me please. Lemme talk to her. Just go for now. Leave her alone." He took a step and held Ayansh by his shoulder. "Listen to me carefully. I don't care what you think about me or you hate me but for now, just go. She deserved to know the truth and her reaction is valid."
"Things were improving between us Kartik." He tried to reason out. "And you want me to just go again?" His voice cracks in the end.
Kartik made a tch sound. "I'm just telling you to give her some space. I might have issues with you but I do know that you love her, truly and sincerely. What do you want? Do you want her to give you a chance where you restart again on a foundation of a lie? This was needed and I know, she might hate me now but this was needed. She deserved to know."
Ayansh pursued his lips, looking away and staring into oblivion. "Fine, I'll leave. Take care of her and- and if she needs something, just tell me." He added, even though he was aware it was futile.
Kartik knocked on Inaaya's door but she refused to open.
"Inu, bacha, I'm sorry." He murmured from outside.
"No, you're not!" She snapped, her voice shaking because of her constant, silent cries.
He grits his teeth. "I did what I felt right at that time as an elder brother."
"You or him don't get to decide for me. Cambridge was one thing that I felt proud of, that made me feel proud of myself and now.... ," she chuckled bitterly.
"He just asked them to sent a confirmation email. You got in there because you deserved to."
Inaaya stayed quiet.
"Atleast come out for dinner."
"I don't want to eat anything."
"Don't act like a child."
"Rich coming from you when you can't stop treating me like a child." She replied sarcastically.
Ayansh had tried to call her, dropped messages too but she had switched her phone off. He was aware that approaching her by going to her house would be useless because she wouldn't want to talk to him neither look at his face and if she doesn't want to do something, she won't.
But there was something that had caught her attention. He never wondered much why Inaaya never told Kartik or anyone about Rahul but now, he couldn't stop thinking about it. Questions rose, doubts lingered. There was something, something very grave that she was hiding and he couldn't just let it slide or wait for her to open up about it. The way she reacted to Rahul's mention by her brother, it felt there was more than what met the eye. She felt threatened, scared even.
It bothered him and more than that it concerned him, an ugly feeling getting formed at the pit of his stomach.
Ayansh found himself outside Inaaya's parents house. He knew her Dad was alone there considering Anita and Kartik both were with Inaaya. The security didn't allow him to enter but once he said them to convey the message to Durvesh Rai that he wanted to talk to him about Inaaya and if he doesn't want to, then, he will ask her himself, they opened the gates. It was a bait. He wasn't sure if it would work, it was like a blind arrow released but when her Dad fell for it, it was clear to him there was something very serious that he was hiding and Inaaya hasn't told anyone.
Because if there wasn't anything then why would her Dad, Mr. Durvesh Rai would be scared at the possibility of Ayansh inquiring his daughter about something that he clearly hasn't specified?
Ayansh sat across her Dad on the couch, leaning forward with his hands clasped and resting upon his eyes. He scrutinized the man with an intrusive gaze which was getting him unnerved.
"Why are you here?" Durvesh spoke first, unable to bear the silence that weighed upon them like a dark night.
Ayansh continued to assess him.
He clenched his jaw. "If you're just here to stare at me then, leave. I haven't forgotten what you did to my daughter."
That statement amused Ayansh. "Let me get straight to the point," he said calmly, straightening himself and keeping his right leg over his left knee. "Why does Inaaya hate you?" He watched as her dad's face lost all its colour. "What happened that made her so hostile towards you? What are you two hiding? It has something to do with you getting that deal opposed to my brother, isn't it?"
Durvesh's body went taut. He didn't know how to react or how to dodge the question. "Nothing," he responded, his voice tense. "That's none of your business. She dislikes me because I never gave her as much attention as I should have when she was a kid. And what deal are you talking about?"
Ayansh resisted the urge to laugh at his blatant lie and facade. "You and me both know you're lying. I need the truth."
Durvesh got up from his place, glowering at Ayansh, wanting to throw him out of his face.
Ayansh stayed seated, looking at him with an unflinching gaze.
"Get out before I call the security." Durvesh threatened.
"Truth."
"There's no truth."
"So you aren't going to give me the truth?" He asked, getting up and standing in front of her Dad.
"Out." Durvesh pointed towards the door.
Ayansh nods. "Cool. But don't forget truth always finds a way to appear no matter how much you try to bury it," he said in a low voice before his tone hardened and his glare intensified. "And when I do come to know of it, trust me I won't spare you. I don't know what it is that Inaaya has been hiding for years, but I promise I'll find it out and when I do, I'll make you pay for putting Inaaya through so much pain, for making her hate her own Dad, for making her want to leave her own family, her own country, for making her feel so alone and helpless." He jeered and threw a last look of disgust before leaving the place.
The next day he was busy with work commitments. Inaaya saw the notifications of his messages and unheeded missed calls but she decided to turn a blind eye. She was pissed off, both at Ayansh and her brother and didn't want to hold any conversation with them. Kartik tried hard but she threatened to leave the house and spend her last day at Alisha's place so he gave her the space.
Ayansh had tried calling her again but she didn't attend his calls. The only respite he had was Kartik telling him her behaviour was normal with everyone else except him. He felt a little relief knowing atleast she wasn't shutting herself off.
The day after that everyone met at Mumbai airport to board the flight. Inaaya avoided Ayansh as if he didn't exist. She didn't involve in conversations with anyone giving the excuse that she didn't feel well.
It was after landing in Cambridge on 31st December late in the evening that Inaaya felt the weight of the truth. The air that felt welcoming suddenly felt foreign to her. It nibbled on her skin and she wrapped her arms around her body for more heat. Did she even belong here? Did she deserve the position she was in today? Did she even earn it or was it all a favour by a certain someone?
"Inaaya- "
"Good night." She cut Ayansh off when he tried to talk to her as they loaded their luggage in the cab.
Everyone went their own way. The last thing Inaaya wanted was to find the house empty when she reached. Maya wasn't present and Inaaya felt like breaking something. She was furious and frustrated. She checked her phone to find a message from Maya which was sent in the afternoon.
"New Year Party at Josh's place. Come there after reaching home. xoxo."
Inaaya had a passive face after reading it. For fucks sake, what made Maya think that she would attend a stupid new year party thrown by her ex right landing after a long flight? She typed a message saying she won't be joining and will be heading to bed and wished Maya a happy new year in advance before carelessly throwing the phone on the couch.
As she started to move towards the passage, she stopped in her track and squeezed her eyes shut in irritation. She whirled around and picked up her ringing phone and her face scrunched up more looking at his name. She declined the call and switched off her phone and then, connected it to the charging point.
Inaaya didn't like to stay alone but she had decided she won't let herself crumble or break like the past times. She didn't want to fall weak. She took a shower and changed into comfortable clothes and sweater before making her way to the kitchen and keeping the water to boil for her cup noodles.
How wonderful it would've been if you could direct, dictate and decide your thoughts. How easier life would've been if certain thoughts didn't slip into your mind like an uninvited guest or bothered you like a notorious pest.
Inaaya sighed, pressing her palms on the counter, an ache starting to grow around her neck. Shaking her head to get rid of the heavy feelings, she peeled off the seasoning packet and added it to her noodles before adding the boiled water. It was when she was stirring it did she realise that her eyes stung due to the tears that desperately wanted to leave their confines.
Because no matter how much she tried, it hurt. You make plans, you strive everyday to be better, you work on yourself, try to mend yourself and one random day, something happens that threatens to undo all the progress. How are you supposed to be calm? How are you expected to act as if it's not a big deal when that one truth is enough to destroy everything that you had grown to believe, the belief that you had on yourself, the faith that you had just begun to have on yourself? You have just started to take pride in yourself and then something happens which changes the whole narrative and you find yourself questioning your abilities.
Inaaya gasped, a sob leaving her throat. She was tired, tired of battling, tired of always finding herself in the wrong, tangled in lies and in the end, realising she had been seeking happiness in a fabricated world. Her eyes teared up and she pulled her lower lip in, feeling vulnerable and in need of comfort. She sniffled and was about to take the tissue paper when the doorbell rang.
Her brows furrowed. She abandoned the noodles and dabbed at her eyes with the help of a tissue and went to open the door. Her eyes widened in shock to see him at her doorstep.
"Hey!" Ayansh breathed out nervously.
Inaaya blinked, unable to believe that he was actually standing right in front of her. "What are you doing here?"
"You were alone." He answered as a matter of fact.
She frowned and checked the time. It was half past eleven. "And?" She raised her brows. "I'm in my house, I'm safe. I don't see the point of you being here at this hour."
Ayansh swallowed and his eyes softened as he gazed at her. "I know you hate staying alone," he said gently, taking her aback. "So, how could I just let you be your own?"
***
Happy New Year to my lovely readers! ❤️ May this year be so much good to all of you. Hope you liked the update and don't forget to vote and comment.
• Thank you for reading •