- Taylors Pov -
Exam season is stressful, and I think it's even more than back in high school. The pressure is bigger at such a prestigious school like Julliard, and I can really feel it take its toll on my body. Stress is something that tends to hit my body hard, I've never coped well with it. Sometimes, if it's really bad, I get a fever. The fever started last night, and I woke up all sweaty.
«Ethics, why are we even taking this course» I groan as we are sitting at a table in the library. Tom, Selena, Joe, and I decided that we should study outside of our dorm today to get a change of scenery. Sitting in the same room after school every day to nail down all of this information takes a toll on your head, that's for sure.
«There are ethics in the music field. Lots of it» Selena points out. Sadly I know it's true, and we have learned a lot in the class this fall. it's just that it's my least favorite class, that and phonics is at the bottom of my list.
My favorite class is my private voice lessons for sure and then the voice class where we teamed up with the other music students to put on a showcase. Working with Joe on the song we are writing has been really fun. It's one thing writing on my own but doing it with someone else has been a new experience. Joe is really easy to work with, and with the two of us the ideas just keep flowing. It didn't even really feel like work because we were having so much fun.
«I'm just ready for Christmas break» I yawn. It's not a secret that this fall has been hard on me between my eating disorder and the drama with harry. now we are close to the end of the year and then we can start fresh next semester. Going home to Boston is much needed now, and it's even better knowing that Joe will be in the city too. He is there with his brother since he is still in the hospital, so we will be in the same city for the holidays.
«I'm not» Joe mumbles so quietly beside me that I don't think he intended for me to hear it. «Why not?» I ask. I thought he would be longing to go back to Boston to see his brother. He is starting the bone marrow transplant in a few days now and if it was my brother, I would be dying to be closer to him.
But Joe doesn't give an explanation, he just shrugs. «Forget it» he dismisses me. it's probably hard for him to talk about, but he should know that he can lean on me. I don't mind hearing about his worries so I can take some of the weight of his shoulders. But he has been acting weird the last couple of days and it makes me anxious. It's hard to tell what's going on and I wish I knew what could help him. If I just had a clue about what to do, I could be there for him better, but I really don't know.
- joes Pov -
I leave the library before the others; I just need to be alone for a minute. I'm really stressed about finals but then I'm also stressed about what comes after term ends. I'm not going home to Pittsburg for the holidays, I'm going to be in a hospital in Boston. I'm going to split my time between my brother's room, the Ronald McDonald House, and the joys of playing peacekeeper between our parents.
And I'm not even allowed in the actual room with my brother, I need to be on the other side of a plastic wall, so we don't risk him getting an infection. They have stripped his immune system with high doses of chemo, and he isn't looking good these days. I call him every day, sometimes several times, and he almost always end up crying at some point during the call. He is in pain and alone there a lot of the time because our parents need to work. Thankfully they can switch out being in Boston and do work via Skype, but it still leaves Patrick alone a lot.
Patrick is only 13 years old and terrified. He isn't stupid, he knows that this is his last shot at remission. When they strip your immune system, it leaves you vulnerable, and if the bone marrow transplant isn't successful you won't have an immune system. It doesn't take a genius to understand that without an immune system it's pretty much only a matter of time before you catch any sort of infection or virus and then it will probably kill you. By that point sure his cancer is dead because they killed his bone marrow, but he is still actively fighting death without that immune system. Merry fucking Christmas Patrick because it might be your last. I'm absolutely terrified.
It's hard to get in the spirits of the holiday when he is going through something so high risk. The chemo could kill him too before it kills his bone marrow, but so far it seems like he is stable thank god. But if those damn blood counts don't rise within about six weeks from the transplant, he is pretty much fucked. How can I focus on the holidays when there are such big things happening in our family. At least at the moment I have school to distract me, but term is almost over, and I will be traveling to Boston. I'm just not ready to watch my little brother die, it's that complicated and simple at the same time.
The dorm room door opens and Taylor slips in «hi, what's going on» she says gently and head over to where I'm sitting on my bed. I'm really not in the mood to be around people because I'm just pissed at the world. «Nothing Taylor, go do your homework or something»
«I'm not going to go do my homework because you're hurting, and I want to help you. Let me help» she says as she sits down next to me and scratch the back of my neck which she annoyingly knows always calms me. Today it doesn't though, it just increases my anxiety. «Stop that» I snap at her before I realize what I'm saying. She snatches her hand away from the nape of my neck and put some space between where we are sitting.
«Okay, really what's going on. Come on Joe, tell me» she tries to coax me but I'm just exhausted. Can't people just see that I want to be alone right now?
There are conflicting feelings inside of me. On one side I want to push her away, but at the same time I want to pull her closer and never let her go. I want to shield her from my pain, but I also want to tell her how much I appreciate her... fuck even how much I love her. loving her is something that creeped up on me and then hit me in the face, now I just need to figure out what to do with that new development. I don't even know if she feels the same way, and that terrifies me.
- Taylors Pov -
He is hurting, and I wish he would lean on me. I'm always the one leaning on him, and I wish that it could be an equal thing. Sometimes he lets me in, but I want to know all parts of him and his life. I don't need to just know the good stuff; I want to be his shoulder to cry on too. But I won't force myself into it either, it's not my style, I can push a little though.
«I just... leave it alone Taylor. It's nothing. Focus on the exams» he shrugs and looks away. «I can multitask. Let me be there for you»
«Leave it alone Taylor» he snaps at me. «And leave me alone» he snaps at me, and I take a step back.
«You know where to find me when you change your mind» I say and walk closer so I can kiss his forehead before I leave the room. I won't force it because it will only end up pushing him away, I love him too much to let that happen. And if he doesn't come to me later, I will try again gently.
Not knowing if he loves me too is driving me mad, because I know the man. It feels different than loving harry, that felt like a young first love, but this feels more solid, grown up. Harry was fresh, it was new feelings that I thought was what love was supposed to feel like, but it was a tentative thing. Your first love rarely last, especially when it's a high school relationship. Now I'm at least in college, and I really like Joe, I love him. He doesn't feel like a tentative thing in my life, at least I hope he isn't. But it could very well blow up in my face at any moment. Loving him leaves me wide open to get my heart broken. Loving him gives him access to a deep intimate part of me where he could really crush me.
When I get back to my room, I start to study there instead of going back to the library where Selena and tom are. First off all they are stealing longing looks at one another when the other isn't looking, so its awkward to be between that, but I also want to be closer to Joe just in case he comes to me. I don't think Selena and tom realize that they are both attracted to one another, but maybe it's something that's more obvious to the people around them? I just wonder if it was like that for me and Joe before I realized it myself. Does that mean that everyone else knew before I did? Did harry see it and that's why he got so desperate?
It doesn't take long before the dorm room opens, and Joe is standing there looking vulnerable too. «Hi babe, ready to talk?» I say and put my books away giving him my full attention. Maybe he just needed some time to think about it before saying it out loud.
«Hi» he mumbles and come over to sit next to me on my bed. «I'm sorry I'm snappy today. I'm just worried about Patrick. I just need him to be okay» he shrugs like it's no big deal, but it is a big deal. His brother could very well die, we all know that even if we don't say it out loud. I know the risks from bone marrow transplant because I asked my mom, and Joe knows too obviously. If the new bone marrow doesn't create white blood cells, it's only a matter of time before he dies. That's fucking scary.
«It's okay to be scared Joe, there is a lot on your plate at the moment. But you can lean on me. I'm never too busy to listen or just be there with you» I reach over and intertwine our fingers. His hand is so much bigger than mine, so my fingers are always stretched when they are intertwined with his, but it still feels like the perfect fit. It's like we are two puzzle pieces that fit together in every way possible.
With his free hand he tilts my head so I'm facing him, and I look into those sparkly blue eyes that I love to get lost in. His face has that boyish look that I love, but you can also tell he is a man. My lips can't help but form a smile and I unwrap our fingers so I can wrap my hand around his neck to bring him down for a kiss.
It doesn't matter how many times we kiss; I still get those butterflies from the first time. If anything the kisses only get better. We know what the other likes by now, and I have explored every inch of his mouth with my tongue. I think he just brushed his teeth because he tastes of spearmint.
«I love you» the words slip out of my mouth while on a break from his lips and the both of us freeze. I didn't mean for those words to slip out, it certainly wasn't planned. But they did. «You love me» he mumbles, and our eyes meet.
«I do» I say, and my hand start to tremble. He could break my heart right here; he could push me away because he thinks it's moving too fast. Or maybe he realized that he isn't on the same page as me. So much can go wrong, but it can also go right. It's about time that things take a turn for the better for me, right? It can't be a downward spiral forever.
«I love you too Taylor. I love you so much» he says right before our lips connect again.
The kiss is more intense, and I let my hand wander down his body to the hem of his shirt. His skin is so warm when I slip beneath it and feel his stomach. I've seen him without a shirt several times, but there is something so intimate about feeling it when we are in the heat of passion.
Still holding onto his neck I pull him with me further up on my bed and he hovers over me when I lay my head down on my pillow. Our eyes speak unspoken words, we both know what we want in this moment. There are tingles sparking all over my body, it feels so right so it can't possibly be wrong to lean into what we both long for.
«Are you sure?» He asks as he brushes some hair out of my face. «I'm sure»
Getting tangled in sheets together for the first time is something I can't forget. Passion and tenderness make me feel safe, it feels right.
***
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