I was the happiest when Rey became my girlfriend. Hindi ko pa nga mapaniwalaan. Although I'd already kissed and hugged her, still, I couldn't believe that she finally became mine.
I mean, hirap na hirap pa nga ako kung paano s'ya dapat liligawan! I even asked Mang Gener about it. I have knowledge, si James pa ba. But I don't trust his ways. Baka mas lumayo lang si Rey sa 'kin at matakot kung gagayahin ko ang galawang playboy n'ya.
May alam din naman ako, from Kuya Hunter. I think Artemis dislikes him at first but Kuya managed to get through her heart. Si Kuya pa nga ang naging role model ko.
But I still asked Mang Gener as I didn't want to mess things up. Isa pa naman 'yon sa naging talent ko. I was good at messing up beautiful things.
That's why I couldn't believe Rey's became my girlfriend. That she really said yes.
May karapatan na 'kong magselos. May karapatan na 'kong magalit sa mga lalaking kakaiba ang tingin na binibigay sa kanya. May karapatan na rin akong tusukin ang mga mata nila.
Rey was my first girlfriend. Not counted iyong mga babae na hindi ko alam kung nakarelasyon ba ni James or they were just his flings. Rey was the first woman I've ever wanted in my life. The woman I could imagine my future with.
With her, I could see a normal future. With her, I could see having my own family. Iyong magkakaanak kami. We will both take care of our kids. Inside our own home.
Rey was mine. She was someone I didn't want to let go of. She was someone I wanted to stay in my life.
But... Would she choose to stay if she finds out the truth about me? Is it okay if I tell her everything?
I should. I know I should tell her. I didn't want to keep lying to her. I didn't want to keep secrets from her.
Alam ko rin namang malalaman ni Rey ang tungkol sa kondisyon ko. Makakahalata s'ya lalo pa ngayon na nagdesisyon akong makasama s'ya. She's a psychologist. She would see the symptoms.
But... I wasn't prepared when that moment came sooner than I expected.
Hindi pa ganoong kahaba ang masasayang oras na nagkakasama kami ni Rey. It was too soon. The moment got ruined too soon.
Maybe fate didn't really favor me. Fate wanted me to suffer. They didn't want me to be happy. Kaya maagang binawi sa 'kin ang kaligayahang nararanasan ko.
I couldn't explain the excruciating pain I was feeling as I stared at Rey kneeling on the ground in front of a dead cat. It hurts so damn fucking much as I tried to drink in the scene in front of me.
Lilac was dead. With just one glance, I knew that someone murdered him. Ganoon din ang komento ni Mang Gener. Hindi kayang gawin iyon ng pusa sa sarili nila. Hindi ganoon ang magiging itsura ni Lilac kung sumabit man sa bagay ang bell choker n'ya.
Rey bought that bell choker for Lilac. And I knew, I knew that she was blaming herself. But I didn't want her to think like that.
That cat had been with me on those lonely days when I first came here in Negros. Kahit na tamad si Lilac, mapili sa pagkain na gusto ay manok lang, at kahit na palagi s'yang tulog, still, Lilac became my company.
Taking care of Lilac was like having a child. I loved the cat like it was my child. That was why I considered myself as Lilac's furr dad. Kaya nga nang makilala ko si Rey, I was really set on making her Lilac's mom.
But now... our child, our pet was gone.
Kitang-kita ko kung gaano nasasaktan si Rey habang nakatingin sa walang buhay na pusa. I couldn't even manage to get near Lilac's body. I didn't want to see him dead. I didn't want to admit that I wouldn't get to hear his meows again.
Nagsimulang sumikip ang dibdib ko sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. Lilac was dead and now, Rey was hurting. Hindi ko kayang makitang nasasaktan din si Rey. It was hurting me too. More than anything.
Fuck, I feel so useless. The woman I loved was hurting in front of me and I couldn't even do anything.
And then I felt it again. I felt the throbbing pain in my head as Zeno wanted to take over. He probably felt my pain. He knew that I was hurting. And I realize, whenever I'm in great pain and was hurting so much, Zeno would always switch out.
He thought that I was in danger.
No, please... Not now. Don't switch out now.
Rey was hurting. She needs me. She needs someone to be with her as she cried.
I need to be with her.
Please, Zeno... Not now.
Stop resisting, Gray. I could tell that you were hurting so much.
No, please...
Let me take care of everything.
That was the last thing I could remember.
When I came to my senses again, I didn't know where I was. I was dizzy due to sudden dissociating and switching out. My head was throbbing in pain, it was barely bearable.
Ilang sandali lang akong nakatayo, trying to come to my senses fully with the hopes that the pain in my head would go. I realized I was in the basement parking lot. The club's basement car park.
How did I get here? Why am I here? Si Zeno ba ang nagpunta rito? Ano'ng kailangan n'yang gawin sa lugar na 'to?
I stopped thinking dahil mas sumasakit lang ang ulo ko. Hindi na rin ako nabigyan ng pagkakataon na mas makapag-isip pa dahil napansin ko ang isang paggalaw. Napalingon ako roon and I was surprised to see that Rey was there. Nakatakip ang dalawa n'yang mga kamay sa bibig at humakbang ng isa paatras. I was so relieved upon seeing her to even think further of her actions. Isa pa, sobrang sakit na talaga ng ulo ko.
"Rey..." I took a step toward her.
"G-gray..."
I took another step without taking my eyes off her. I smiled. I felt like everything was okay as long as I'm with her.
I wanted to go home with her and take a rest in her apartment so I offered her my hand.
"Halika na... Umuwi na tayo."
Hindi man lang gumalaw si Rey. She was just looking at me. And there was emotion on her face that I didn't want to see from anyone, most especially from her, as they looked at me. I didn't want to recognize that emotion.
But it was so clear. It was obvious on her face. At kahit pa anong tanggi ang gawin ko, kayang-kaya kong pangalanan ang emosyong nasa mukha n'ya.
The fear was so clear in her eyes. She was scared.
Saan? Sa akin ba? What happened? Did something happen? May ginawa ba ako sa kanya? May mali na naman ba akong nagawa?
I frowned. Napatingin ako sa kamay kong nakalahad sa kanya kanina pa na parang iniiwasan n'yang tanggapin. My frown deepened when I saw something that was on my hand. Tinignan ko rin ang isa ko pang kamay at nakita rin doon ang parang pulang likidong dumikit na sa mga kamay ko.
What was it?
Blood?
"Where did I—"
I looked at Rey hoping that she would tell me. Hoping that she would answer all the questions that were flooding my head right now. Pero nakatingin lang s'ya sa 'kin at nakikita ko pa rin ang takot na hindi na nawala sa mga mata n'ya.
Why did she look so scared?
Ilang sandali lang akong nakatingin lang kay Rey, trying to figure out everything. It took me a minute before an idea popped into my mind about what probably happened. And I hated that idea.
Rey... She was... She was scared of me. Kitang-kita ko iyon sa mga mata n'ya. Sa akin s'ya natatakot.
Because I hurt her. The blood on my hands was probably hers.
No... No, shit. Fuck.
I hurt her, didn't I?
Fuck. I ruined everything. It was all messed up. Wala na. I lost her.
"Rey!" I could even hear the fear in my voice. "No... D-did I—"
I tried to take a step toward her pero agad din akong napatigil. That was probably a bad idea. She was scared of me right now and the last thing she wanted was for me to be near her.
But I wanted to reach her. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to hug and soothe her. To tell her that I didn't mean to hurt her. That hurting her would be the last thing I would do.
I wanted to tell her that I love her so much and it would hurt me a thousand times more if she got hurt too.
Pero alinman sa mga 'yon, wala akong ginawa. Wala na akong karapatang lumapit pa sa kanya.
"Fuck."
I looked at her. I didn't see any wounds on her but... Maybe it was hidden. Natatakpan siguro. I could feel my eyes tearing up with the thought that I really did hurt her.
Fuck. I hurt her. Everything was now ruined. My happiness was ruined.
God... I hurt the woman I loved the most.
Shit. Bakit ba kasi ganito ako? Bakit hindi ako naging normal? I just wanted to be with Rey. To be with the people I loved without hurting them so much. Without putting them in danger.
I hate myself. Fuck it.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry for hurting you."
Rey had a pained expression on her face that hurt me too. Mukhang lahat yata ng gagawin ko ay mas lalo lang makakasakit sa kanya.
Bakit ba kasi nagkaroon ako ng ganitong kondisyon? Lahat ng pinapangarap ko, those moments I imagined in the future with her, mukhang lahat ng 'yon, malabo nang mangyari.
Fate was never really on my side. Fate didn't want me to be happy. They took it away from me when I was about to experience and feel happiness again. So fast. Na para bang pinatikim lang ako saglit para bawiin lang din agad. Just so I would crave it. Just to torture me even more.
Maybe... This was my karma. This was my karma for hurting my brother and my friends.
Pero hindi ko inaasahan ang naging sunod na galaw ni Rey. She took a step toward me which confused the hell out of me.
Bakit s'ya lumalapit? She's scared of me, right? Because I hurt her, right?
"No, Gray... You didn't hurt me."
I just remained looking at her as I was confused about whether to believe her.
She held out her arms for me to see, just to prove her point.
"I'm not bleeding anywhere. See?" magaan pang sabi n'ya.
I stared at her unmarked arms. Walang kahit na anong bagay nga akong nakita roon na nagpapatunay na sinaktan ko s'ya. I looked at her with a skeptical look on my face.
"Really?"
Rey smiled and nodded.
Mas lalo lang akong nalito. Napatingin ulit ako sa mga kamay ko.
"Then... Where did I... Where did I get this blood?"
I stared at Rey again, waiting for her answer. Kaya nakita ko tuloy ang saglit na pagsulyap ni Rey sa kung anumang nasa likuran ko. I was about to look at there too because I felt like there was something behind me. Pero mabilis na humakbang si Rey sa 'kin palapit at ikinulong n'ya ang mga pisngi ko sa dalawang palad n'ya. Pinigilan n'ya ang tangka kong paglingon.
"Gray... You cut your hand," seryoso n'yang sabi habang titig na titig sa mga mata ko. It was like she was convincing the both of us.
I blinked.
"What? I cut my hand?"
"Yes, you clumsy boy." She was smiling and I believed her just like that. I would believe anything that she would say to me right now. "Tara... Linisin natin ang sugat mo."
She held my hand and I felt the blood on it also stuck to hers. Malagkit iyon at alam kong naramdaman din iyon ni Rey. But she didn't say anything. Instead, she even held my hand tighter.
I was really confused with everything that was happening. Mukhang alam ni Rey kung ano'ng nangyari kaya may dugo sa mga kamay ko. She knew how I cut my hand. Kaya naman hinayaan ko lang s'ya sa gusto n'yang mangyari. Sinunod ko ang lahat ng gusto n'yang gawin.
It wasn't a problem for me. I trust her with my life.
Iniwan ako saglit ni Rey sa kotse para kumuha ng panglinis sa mga kamay ko. I tried to remember what happened kahit na alam kong imposibleng maalala ko ang ginawa ko. It was Zeno who switched out. I know. At madalas, hindi n'ya sinasabi ang ginagawa n'ya kung alam n'yang makakasama sa akin iyon. He wouldn't say what he was doing with things like this as he was avoiding triggering my trauma.
Hinahayaan ko lang iyon dati. Pero ngayon, gusto kong malaman. Especially since I knew it involved Rey.
I hope... I hope Rey wasn't really hurt.
I stared at my hands. Both of them were full of blood. Ang sabi ni Rey, nasugatan ko raw ang kamay ko. But I didn't feel any pain in any of my hands. Hindi ko alam kung malaki lang ba ang sugat at namanhid ang kamay ko sa sakit o wala talagang sugat doon.
If the latter was true, then Rey lied to me.
Why would she lie? Alam ba n'ya kung ano ang talagang nagawa ko? Ni Zeno?
Pagbalik ni Rey ay agad n'yang nilinis ang mga kamay ko. She wiped the blood off my hands and face. I could see that her hands were trembling but she just remained focused on wiping the blood.
Nang matapos ay wala akong nakitang kahit na anong marka ng sugat sa mga kamay ko. I was fine. Ibig sabihin, nagsinungaling nga si Rey kanina.
But I didn't say anything. If she wanted me to believe that I cut my hand, then I would. Lahat ng sasabihin n'ya, paniniwalaan ko.
After all, she was the only thing that was real in front of me right now.
I felt safe that she was with me. I was even thankful that she didn't tell me the truth. May pakiramdam din kasi akong hindi ko makakayanan ang totoong nangyari. And maybe Rey knew that.
I must've done something horrible and she saw it. Still, she was here with me, wiping the blood of someone off my hands and face. She was scared, I know, pero patuloy lang s'ya sa ginagawa n'ya.
Such courage...
I love this woman so much.
Rey suggested that we should rest there for a while before returning home. I was thankful for that. Ang sakit-sakit pa rin kasi ng ulo ko. I was still dizzy. Hindi ako makakapag-drive nang maayos at baka maaksidente lang kami.
The sun was already up when we finally got to the apartment building. Ang sama-sama pa rin ng pakiramdam ko. I was hoping that Rey would let me rest in her apartment again. Para kasing mas sasama lang ang pakiramdam ko kapag sa unit ko ako magpapahinga.
I just want to feel her presence.
Pero nang magbukas ang elevator nang makarating na kami sa floor namin ay hindi ko inaasahan ang dalawang taong makikita ko roon. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad. Ganoon din si Rey. Nagulat siguro nang makita ang dalawang taong hindi n'ya kilala at mukhang nag-aabang sa 'min.
It was my brother. And Kuya Creed.
Napatitig lang ako kay Kuya. He was the last person I was expecting to see right now. Ni hindi ko maisip na mahahanap ako ni Kuya. I did my best to hide from him. Kampante akong hindi n'ya talaga ako mahahanap.
No. I know he would, eventually, pero hindi ganitong kabilis.
I didn't know what to feel. Bakit ba hindi makaramdam si Kuya na ayokong makita s'ya? Bakit ba hindi n'ya maintindihan na pinagtataguan ko s'ya?
"What are you doing here?" I asked, mad. Maybe I was angrier at myself. Mas lalo pang sumama ang pakiramdam ko. My head was throbbing in so much pain.
"What do you think, Gray?" balik tanong sa 'kin ni Kuya.
"How did you find me—Nevermind."
I scoffed. Damn it. A stupid question. Kuya was a tracker.
Pero nagulat lang kasi ako na nahanap n'ya ako agad.
"You used your skills. Out of everyone else, I am the one who could recognize your codes."
Natigilan ako roon. What? I used my skills? I hacked something? Hindi ko alam. Wala akong maalala.
Or... Did Shielder do it? No. He wouldn't tapos na ang laro.
Then... Zeno?
I tried to avoid using my skills while hiding because I know Kuya would recognize my codes. Mahahanap n'ya ako sa paraang 'yon.
"So, you're monitoring me, huh? Ah, oo nga pala... Magaling ka nga pa lang stalker. Ano? Ako naman ang ini-stalk mo ngayon kasi tapos ka na sa goddess mo?"
"Gray—"
"Leave."
Natigilan si Kuya. Nahalata siguro ang kalamigan sa boses ko. I knew that I was harsh. I didn't want to be harsh to him. Pero pakiramdam ko ay sasabog na ang ulo ko sa sobrang sakit.
I let go of Rey's hand and walked toward my unit. Nilagpasan ko sina Kuya at si Kuya Creed na nakamasid lang sa 'min.
Hindi na ako makakapagpahinga sa apartment ni Rey. Okay lang. All I wanted to do right now was to get out of here. Hindi pa ako handang harapin si Kuya.
"You never called. You said you would but you never did."
Napatigil ako sa paglalakad dahil sa sinabi ni Kuya. Mas nadagdagan ang iniss sa dibdib ko. Unti-unting nagiging galit. I was trying to refrain myself from getting mad as I knew my alters could feel it. Zeno would feel it.
Gusto kong umalis na ro'n si Kuya. I was afraid that Zeno would forcedly switch out again. Ang sakit-sakit pa naman na talaga ng ulo ko.
"Are you in denial or are you just dumb?" sabi ko nang hinarap ulit si Kuya. "C'mon, Kuya... Alam naman nating pareho na matalino ka."
Ilang sandali lang nakatitig sa 'kin si Kuya. Fuck. I felt like my head was being ripped apart.
Leave... Leave, Kuya... Bago pa kita masaktan ulit.
"You're doing it on purpose," sabi ni Kuya nang sa wakas ay naintindihan n'ya na rin ang sadya kong paglayo at pagtatago sa kanya.
Mas lalo akong napangisi.
"Of course. Wala rin sa plano kong magpakita pa sa 'yo. So, leave."
Mabilis kong itinuloy na ang paglalakad sa apartment ko sa kagustuhan na lumayo na agad at ipahinga ang masakit kong ulo. Napalakas pa nga ang pagsara ko sa pinto sa pagmamadali but I didn't mind. I dove onto the sofa, hoping that the pain in my head would finally ease.
Shit... I hate this. I hate all the things I need to endure because of this condition.
I closed my eyes. Naramdaman kong may humihila sa akin paalis, papunta roon sa madilim na lugar na naman. I looked to see who it was and I saw Zeno, dragging me out away from the front so he could front again this time. Maybe he felt that Kuya Hunter was here.
Gusto kong lumaban, ayoko s'yang hayaan na lang. But because I was exhausted and suffered with pain in my head, wala akong lakas para pigilan si Zeno. I couldn't do anything when he switched out again.
The next time I was in my right mind again, I was inside my car, in front of the apartment building. Napansin ko kaagad ang suot kong uniform ko sa club. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang nasa front habang duty ko sa club. I was hoping it was Gadriel. Or James.
James was a better choice than Zeno.
I checked the time and was surprised when I saw the date today. Ilang araw na ang nakalipas nang nasa tamang huwisyo pa ako. Ibig sabihin, ilang araw na nang makita ko ulit si Kuya.
Where is he? Pinuntahan n'ya ba ako ulit?
And how's Rey? Siguro... Nagulat s'ya sa naging pagtrato ko kay Kuya. Hindi ko man lang s'ya napakilala nang maayos.
Bumaba ako sa sasakyan at may nakahanda na agad na ngiti si Mang Gener nang makita ako. I tried to smile back at the guard kahit pagod na pagod ang pakiramdam ko.
"Good morning, Mang Gener. Si Rey po ba, nakapasok na?" tanong ko dahil lagpas na ang oras sa usual na pag-alis ni Rey para pumasok sa trabaho.
Nabawasan ang ngiti ni Mang Gener at nalilitong napatitig sa 'kin.
"Nakalimutan mo ba, Sir James? Pumuntang Maynila ho si Ma'am Rey kahapon."
Bigla ang paglukob sa 'kin ng kaba at takot. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang pagod dahil nanghina ang katawan ko. Bigla rin ang panlalamig ko. Still, I tried my best to stand still.
"K-kailan daw ho s'ya babalik?"
"Hindi ako sigurado, Sir James. Pero hindi naman daw po s'ya magtatagal doon," Mang Gener looked at me confusedly. "Hindi ba n'ya sinabi sa inyo kung kailan s'ya babalik?"
Hindi ko na nasagot ang tanong ni Mang Gener. Hindi ko na rin namalayan kung paano ako nakarating sa tapat ng unit ni Rey. I tried to knock on her door, hoping that she was inside and would open the door. Pero nanakit na ang kamay ko at halos madurog na ang pinto sa lakas ng katok ko, wala pa ring Rey na nagpapakita sa 'kin.
Ayokong pumasok kahit na alam ko naman ang lock code ng pinto. I didn't want to confirm the emptiness of the apartment as she wasn't there.
Mas lalo akong natakot. Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko.
No... No... She wouldn't leave me. Hindi n'ya ako iiwan.
But... What if she saw the symptoms? Paano kung sa mga nakalipas na araw ay nahalta n'ya ang kondisyon ko? What if she got scared of me and ran away?
Napasandal ako sa pader ng apartment ni Rey. Hindi ko na kayang tumayo. Dahan-dahan akong napaupo sa sahig. I buried my face in my palms.
Fuck. Ano na naman ba'ng nangyari? May nagawa na naman ba akong masama? Baka nasaktan ko na talaga s'ya kaya s'ya bumalik sa Manila.
But Mang Gener said that Rey would be back.
Pero pa'no kung sinabi lang 'yon ni Rey kay Mang Gener para hindi na magtanong pa ang guwardiya?
Shit. Fuck! Gusto kong magwala. I wanted to blame someone. To blame everything. Every person. I wanted to blame them for this condition.
Putang ina! Bakit ba kasi nagkaroon pa ako ng ganitong kondisyon? Bakit ako pa?
Ano ba'ng mali ang nagawa ko para parusahan ako ng ganito? Masama ba akong tao? Sinubukan ko namang bumawi, ah? Nilayuan ko nga si Kuya kahit na gustong-gusto ko s'yang makasama para hindi ko na s'ya masaktan pa ulit. Pero bakit parang hindi pa sapat ang lahat ng 'yon?
I felt so helpless. Shit, wala akong magawa. Hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng gagawin ko.
Bakit ba ang hirap hirap maging masaya?
I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to be with the people I loved and cared for. Bakit ba hindi maibigay iyon sa 'kin?
Sinubukan kong hintayin si Rey sa harap ng apartment n'ya. Pinanghawakan ko ang sinabi ni Mang Gener. Isa pa, I trust Rey. Hindi s'ya gano'n. Hindi n'ya ako basta-basta iiwan na lang. She was courageous. Nilinis n'ya nga ang dugo sa mga kamay ko, 'di ba? Kahit pa alam n'yang hindi naman iyon sa 'kin.
She would be back. I know.
Hindi ako kumain sa araw na 'yon. Hindi ako umalis sa harap ng apartment n'ya. Hindi ako natulog dahil gusto ko ay gising ako sa pagdating n'ya. Natatakot akong baka magkasalisi kami. Gusto kong makita kaagad ang pagdating n'ya. That would be the only thing that would calm me down.
I would wait for her. Even if it meant waiting an eternity.
"Gray?"
I stiffened. Mula sa pagkakasubsob ng mukha ko sa mga braso kong nakapatong sa mga tuhod ko ay nag-angat ako ng tingin. Hinanap ko ang pinanggalingan ng boses na 'yon at nakita si Rey na nakatayo ilang hakbang mula sa 'kin. Nakita ko ang travelling bag na nasa kamay pa rin n'ya.
"Rey..."
I stood up and slowly walked towards her. I was so afraid that I was hallucinating again and she would vanish if ever I took my eyes off her. Kaya habang humahakbang ako palapit sa kanya ay hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kanya.
Please... Let this be real.
Tumigil ako sa harapan n'ya at ilang sandali s'yang tinitigan. Rey just remained standing in front of me. She didn't vanish.
My eyes watered and my lips trembled. Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong mapaiyak. I was so relieved to see her in front of me. Lahat ng takot na naramdaman ko mula pa kahapon ay bigla na lang nawala.
Nagyuko ako nang makita ang sakit sa mga mata n'ya dahil nahalata n'yang papaiyak ako. Hindi ko rin naman napigilan at hinila s'ya para mayakap. I wanted to feel her warmth. I wanted to make sure that she was really here. That she was real.
Nang maramdaman ko ang init ng katawan n'ya, when I smelled the scent of her hair, and when I felt the thumping of her heart against my chest, hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.
I cried while she was in my arms. I was so scared. Inilabas ko ang lahat ng takot na naramdaman ko kanina.
She came back. Rey came back.
Fuck. I don't ever want to be away from here again.
Rey wiped the tears off my face. I was embarrassed as I felt so weak in front of her right now. I want to be strong in her eyes.
"Hindi kita iiwan, Gray," she promised. Her eyes were full of honesty and sincerity. "I promise I'll always stay by your side."
Iyon lang ang kailangan n'yang sabihin para mawala ang lahat ng takot at pangamba sa dibdib ko. She was the only one who could do this to me. Who could give me and assurance. S'ya lang.
Alam kong nakakahalata na s'ya sa kondisyon ko. May hinala rin akong bumalik s'ya sa Manila kasama si Kuya para kausapin ang mga kaibigan ko. Baka nga alam na n'ya talaga ang lahat ng nangyari sa 'kin.
Still, she came back to me.
My suspicion got confirmed when she told me about it as we cuddled on the bed. Hindi na ako nagulat. Pero pumalit naman ay ang kaba sa kung ano'ng maaring iniisip n'ya.
But Rey was still talking to me calmly. Wala akong narinig na pandidiri o pagkatakot sa boses n'ya. She was still hugging me as my face was buried in her neck. Ramdam ko ang masuyo n'yang paghaplos sa likod ko.
I should tell her. This was the right time.
"I want to clear something up," I said."
"Ano 'yon?"
I shifted my body so she was now underneath me. Kabang-kaba ako habang nakatitig sa mga mata n'ya.
Kailangan kong bumwelo.
"You're calling them by just their names? Wala man lang 'kuya'?" reklamo ko nang mapansin na sa pangalan n'ya lang tinatawag sina Kuya at ang mga kaibigan namin.
She blinked. Looking confused.
"Ha?"
I frowned.
"Kuya ang tawag ko sa kanila pero ikaw sa pangalan mo lang sila tinatawag? Mas matanda pa nga ako sa 'yo!"
"So, gusto mong tawagin din kitang kuya?"
Nabwisit ako ro'n, ah! Ano'ng tatawagin n'ya 'kong kuya? Para namang papayag ako!
"Hindi ako, Rey! Sila! Lalo na si Kuya! Kuya ko 'yon, eh!"
"Hindi ko alam na kailangan pala?"
Mas lalo akong napasimangot. Akala ko ba psychologist s'ya? Ang manhid, ah!
"Bakit parang galit ka?" tanong pa n'ya talaga. "Mukhang okay lang din naman sa kanila kahit hindi ko sila tawaging kuya."
"I'm not okay with it."
Napangiti si Rey sa kabila ng inis ko.
"Nagseselos ka ba?"
Mas lalo lang akong napasimangot. Alam n'ya naman pala, eh! Magtatanong pa! Ayaw na lang kasing tawaging si Kuya at ang mga kaibigan ko ng kuya!
Ang weird kasi! 'Tsaka nakakainis!
Natawa si Rey at nandoon ang kagustuhan kong magantihan s'ya dahil halatang inaasar n'ya na lang ako. I grinned when I thought of something. Natigil naman s'ya sa pagtawa at napakislot nang simulan ko s'yang kilitiin sa tagiliran n'ya.
I was smiling as I tickled her. Parang hindi miserable ang pakiramdam ko kanina lang umaga. The sound of her laughter was so beautiful. Ang ganda-ganda n'ya habang tumatawa s'ya kahit na pinipilit umalis sa ilalim ko.
She did. Naghabulan pa kami sa loob ng apartment n'ya. Sabay pa kaming napatigil nang may kumatok at napagbuksan ni Rey ang tenant na nasa baba lang ng apartment n'ya. Mukhang nabulabog yata namin.
May ilang sinabi pa si Mrs. Rosanes pero wala roon ang isip ko. My heart was thumping so fast about what I was about to do.
"Tama na, Gray, ha?" sabi ni Rey nang isara ang pinto at naglakad pabalik sa sala.
"Rey..."
She turned around and looked at me. I was so damn nervous but I wanted to tell her the truth. I know... She would accept me. Kung hindi, gagawin ko ang lahat para matanggap n'ya ako.
She was the first person I wanted to talk to about my condition. I wanted to be honest with her.
I stared at her and gathered my courage before I spoke.
"I have DID."