*insert depressing song here*
Ryan's Pov
I woke up, taking in my surroundings. And all I could think about was the officer telling me that my dad died. His words just kept replaying and replaying in my head. I just wanted to get swallowed up by the floor. I just wanted to cry, but I couldn't cry anymore. I cried so much that at the moment, that I am incapable of crying.
I stood up, grabbing my phone. I saw I had several missed calls from everyone - my mom, Destiny, Belle, Emma, Xavier, Felix, Henry, Neal, and some other family members. I checked the time - 4:13am - and shoved my phone back into my pocket.
I slipped my shoes on and started walking towards the door. I knew I should have woken Xavier up and told him I was leaving so he wouldn't worry when I woke up, but in all honesty I didn't care. I just felt like all my feelings were being sucked out of me, leaving me cold and heartless.
I left the building and walked through the cold air of Chicago. I hugged myself, beginning to walk faster. Eventually, I saw the stupid dead grass and ran to my doorstep.
I used my keys to open the door. When I walked in, I saw my mom sleeping on the couch. She was wrapped up in a blanket, clutching onto her phone as if it were the most precious thing to her and it was going to be taken away. I sighed and made my way upstairs.
I changed into some black sweats and a black long sleeve shirt. I lied down in bed, looking up at the ceiling. I felt sadness and anger rushing through my veins. I just kept thinking about different things that will never happen now.
I'll never see dad smile again, he won't see me graduate, he won't walk me down the aisle, if I have kids, he'll never be able to meet them, mom will never get to see him again, we'll be a family with a missing part that only he could fill, and so many other fucking things.
Soon, I felt the tears running down my cheeks. They wouldn't stop, they couldn't. I grabbed my phone and listened to the crapload of voicemails I had. There were ones from my mom and my friends which I deleted in a heartbeat after listening to them. And then, then I heard his voicemail.
"Hey, Ryan. I'm going to be running a bit late and I'm so sorry. I had got caught up with work. I'll see you in a couple minutes. God, I'm so proud of you. Give your mom a kiss for me and tell her I love her. I love you too, mija. I can't wait to see you up there."
I closed my eyes, listening to the voicemail over and over and over. Those could of possibly been his last words. The tears continued, rolling down my cheeks. I was crying so hard my stomach hurt and I was gasping for air. It felt like I was suffocating.
I curled up in my bed, crying. And eventually, I fell asleep.
~
"Ryan, honey."
I slowly sat up, rubbing my eyes.
"Yeah, mom?"
"Are you okay?" My mom asked me, sitting down on the edge of my bed.
"Dad just died," I said, not being able to comprehend it. "No, I'm not fucking okay...and I'm sorry for being harsh about it; you're mourning, too."
My mom stood up and sat down in front of me. "Come here, baby." She said, holding her arms out.
I hugged her, feeling tears threatening to fall. I hugged her so tight, scared I was going to lose her too.
My mom rubbed my back, starting to cry a bit. "We'll-we'll get through this, honey," she whispered. "It's going to take time, but it'll be okay."
I nodded my head, pulling away from the hug. "Do you...do you want to do anything?"
I just started crying. "I think I should just close my eyes and let myself feel what I need to feel and stop holding it in."
My mom hugged me again, rubbing my back. "Let it out, honey," she said. "Just let it all out."
"I-I mi-miss him so much," I sobbed, hugging her tighter. "It's not fair."
"I miss him too, Ryan," my mom said, her voice cracking. "I miss him too."
After another five minutes of sobbing uncontrollably on my mom's shoulder, all my tears dried up. I pulled away from the hug and my mom wiped her tears.
"Are you hungry?" My mom asked.
"No," I whispered, shaking my head. "I just want to be alone."
My mom nodded her head, tears close to falling from her eyes. "Okay." she said, then quickly left.
I lied down in bed, grabbing my phone again. I had recent missed calls from Xavier. I heard a knock on my door and ignored it. I buried my head in my pillow, clutching my blankets. I heard my door open and then close.
"Ryan, darling?"
"What?" I whispered.
"Are you...are you okay?" He asked, walking closer to my bed.
I popped up and glared at him. "Why would I fucking be okay?!"
Xavier flinched at my words and shoved his hands in his pockets.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking back up at me. "Those weren't the correct words to use."
"None are correct to use!" I shouted, throwing my pillow to the floor. "My dad died and nothing will make me feel better."
Xavier sighed. "I'm just...I'm trying to help."
"Well, you're not," I hissed.
"I'm sorry, but my dad didn't-" Xavier stopped mid sentence and looked at me with worried eyes. "I've never been through this, so I wouldn't know what to do or how to help."
"Exactly," I harshly said. "Just go. I don't need you or anyone right now."
"Look," Xavier said, sitting down next to me. "I understand you're mourning, but that doesn't mean you have to shut anyone out. Everything will be okay and be normal again."
"You don't understand!" I shouted, feeling tears of anger clothes to falling. "Try socializing with people when you're dad dies, when your best friend dies, when one of the people that you'd do anything for dies! Then, come and tell me how everything is okay and that you can just go back to normal!"
Xavier looked down, reaching out to grab my hand. I jerked my hand back before he could hold it.
"I don't think you understand that there is no going back to being normal," I whispered. "I don't believe in there being a normal - nothing and no one is normal - but maybe my mom, my dad, and I living together, spending time together, making memories, being a family that, that was my normal. And now, now I can't go back to that. It's impossible; God, I wish it was possible."
Xavier looked down. "I- I'm so-"
"Just go."
"What?" Xavier asked, looking up at me.
"Leave," I said, looking at him. "You don't get it and never will."
"No, I don't," Xavier said, standing up. "But I'm trying. I'm trying to help, but it's not enough for you. I'm sorry it's not enough, but it's not nothing."
I didn't say anything nor was I going to. Xavier let out a heavy breath. He walked towards the door and turned to look at me.
"Just know that I'm still here for you, darling," he whispered. "I'll always be."
And with that he walked out, slightly slamming my door shut. I sat up, crying. I listened to my dad's voicemail again, clenching my fist.
I stood up and began throwing things. I just kept throwing any little thing to let out some anger.
"It's not fair!" I shouted, throwing my a glass cup on my night stand across the room. "Why, God?! Why?!"
I fell to my knees crying, gasping for air as I did, "Why did you take my dad away from me?"
"Why do you have to take the best people?" I whispered, as more tears continued to roll down my cheek.
So, bit of a depressing chapter...Thoughts?
~Jess