Song: Ruelle's cover of "Walking on the Moon"
Mid-January, a couple weeks after starting school
Meadow and I usually ate lunch in the library, study hall, or the common room instead of the cafeteria. My ability to feel everyone's auras and experience their darkest secrets, all at once I might add, was overwhelming to say the least. I liked to hide away from crowds every chance I could, and Meadow stayed with me. For what, I didn't know. I could tell she wanted to socialize more, but she stuck with me. Which was kind, but made me feel like a charity case. It was annoying me. I know I'm proud, but I won't be someone's pity friend.
I watched her watching a group of people downstairs, her eyes amused. "Meadow, why are you even hanging out with me? You clearly want to hang out with them. Just stop feeling sorry for me and go over there." I shot a pointed look at a group of kids laughing and talking loudly in the common room below us. I stomped away from the ledge like a brat and sat down on a bench in a huff. Meadow ignored me, used to my mood swings.
The common room was a square room with fireplaces on the edges and multiple seating areas for socializing. It sat on the ground floor of the classroom wing. There were four floors in this section of the building. Elevators were at the back of the room and the stairs were on the opposite side of us. Each floor had a landing with seats and benches for students to congregate, but most people hung out on the first floor. The ceiling above was painted to look like constellations. The design of the classrooms and common areas were more modern than the older architectural style of the building.
It was raining off and on today, so most of the students had moved indoors to the common room pushing us to the third floor landing for quiet. The "quiet" wasn't so peaceful. I was annoyed. I jumped up and began pacing with a low growl from deep in my throat. I wanted to rip something up.
Meadow looked back at me over her shoulder, "Good job Lou. You didn't make the lights flicker this time." She gave me a teasing smile.
I didn't return it.
"Lou?" She said sympathetically, "You need some grounding, huh?"
I sighed stopping my pacing and slumping my shoulders in defeat. I was all over the place. Maybe I did need to chill out. As an earth elemental, Meadow had the ability to balance out my negative energy with her positive energy. Much like the wellness practice of "Grounding" by walking barefoot to reconnect with the earth. The negative charge of the body that causes stress and inflammation to build up are balanced out by the earth's positive charge.
All the more reason to walk barefoot, I thought.
She grabbed my hands in hers, "It's okay, ya know? I can help you with this, and I don't take the mood swings personally. I have thick skin." I looked up at her brownish-green eyes as she winked at me. I could feel the negative energy seeping through the skin of my fingers into Meadow's hands. My shoulders loosened. My skin stopped itching. The urge to tear off my own skin and run away lessened slightly. I found my voice finally as my thoughts stopped hurtling around my brain.
"Seriously thought Meadow. We weren't even friends at Shady Brook. You don't have to hang out with me just because you pity me or something. I'd rather be alone." I said looking at my fingers, suddenly embarrased at my outburst.
Meadow took a deep breath and stood straighter, "Lou, we were little kids at Shady Brook. I was an anxious little girl who became friends with some kids in my kindergarten class. We stuck together there. I rarely talked to anyone outside of my friend group because of my anxiety. I used to throw up every morning before school. Since I've gotten my magic, for the first time in my life, I feel-I feel....normal. I can't say I get what you feel with spirit, but I know anxiety. And with my magic, I can't help it Lou. I have to create balance."
"So you feel like you need to fix me then?" I asked slightly offended.
"No Lou. That's not it either. I just-I know how you feel because I lived in a constant state of anxiety until I got my magic. You lived before all this. And now you feel- maybe not the same, sure, but similar to how I did. I know I can help relieve you of that burden, and I want to help. You aren't a bad friend to have around either." She nudged me with her shoulder. I looked at her and smiled. "Yeah...okay. You're a good friend M. Thanks. And...I'm sorry for all that." I waved my hands around my head trying to explain my emotional outburst.
She understood my awkwardness. Meadow held up her pinky finger, "Pinkies and its a truce." I laughed, "pinkies!" "Alright, so since we're BFF's we need a name." I'd never had a BFF before. I guess this is how you got one. "What do you mean?" "You know, like how cute couples get names? We need a name." "Oh! Like..... Loudow?" She gave a face "mmm. maybe." "L&M? Melula? Melu? Tea-Me?" She shook her head no. "I dunno. We need to think about it." I nodded, "Yeah...I mean we can always just be BFF's without a name." I shrugged waiting on her response. She frowned back at me. "No. We'll figure it out."
A slight movement out of the corner of my eye drew my attention. "M? Do you see that raven over there?" I asked her. "Where?" She looked around until her eyes landed on my raven, "Oh yeah? That's a pretty bird!" "Yeah he is. He's also kind of my pet." She looked at me with a raised eyebrow and a laugh on her lips, "You have a pet raven? They're supposed to be spies for the God of Death you know?"
I rolled my eyes with a loud laugh, "he's not a spy Meadow. He's literally just a bird who likes me to feed him berries. He's started following me to school though." Meadow laughed, a carefree musical laugh that echoed off the walls. "What?" I asked. "It's like Mary had a Little Lamb, except with a creepy raven," Meadow joked. I smiled halfheartedly and looked out the window. He's not creepy, I thought, He's my friend.
I continued to stare out the window at my raven as the raindrops became heavier and more icy. He raised a wing to cover his head and then flew off. I immediately felt the overwhelming anxiety creeping back in in worry for him. Would he freeze in this rain?
"C'mon Lou. You look like someone murdered your puppy. Come eat Takis with me and listen to this podcast. It's a true crime about acid rain killing pet ravens." I laughed, "Sure it is. It's probably that show about the boy who kisses the girl at the school carnival." "Shh! Don't ruin it for me!" Meadow scolded.
She placed a hand on mine, instinctively knowing I needed grounding again. Without saying anything about the anxiety or the grounding, she continued on about the movie, "Let's watch the one where that girl falls off the boat and forgets who she is and stuff." I shrugged, having no interest in watching any movie, "Sure." "Lou... you okay?" I nodded my head, "I'm fine. Maybe its my period coming or something." I had just finished my period last week. Who knows though? Maybe my new powers messed up my hormones or something.
"Hey" I interrupted. "We can be T.M. like trade marked?" She smiled wide, "Maybe."
She clicked on a movie. We had about 15 minutes left of lunch, but we had study hall after this anyway. I looked back out the window pane, not paying attention to the rom com Meadow chose. I wasn't a big fan of romance shows.
The window glass was warped from time and the sun. I could see some of the tree tops. The leaves were long gone and their spiny tops were sticking out of the woods like long fingers. They looked even more deformed through the old worn out glass. I shivered at the imagery.
I became entranced by the bare trees moving back and forth in the cold gusts. The rain turning into icy streaks slowly falling down the glass. The wind howling around the corners of the building. Before I knew it, Meadow was nudging me awake.
"Lou, it's time to go to class. Lou, c'mon you slept through study hall. We have to go!" Touching my forehead accidentally, she exclaimed, "Oh wow! Lou, you're burning up! I'm getting your mom!" I must have fallen asleep again because the next thing I knew mom was loading me into the car. I whimpered as a wave of dizziness overtook me, and I went back out.
*****
I woke up in my bed with my curtains still closed blocking out the sky. I had no idea what time it was, and my entire body hurt. It was a deep ache down into my bones. My anxiety was back to full blast. My fever must have broken though, as I was covered in a cold sweat. My sheets sticking to my sticky wet skin. My hair was even greasy with sweat.
I heard a light tapping on the glass behind the closed curtains. Knowing who it was, I stood up to open the window, but each step felt like glass shards in my legs. Hobbling across the small space between my bed and the window, I managed to get the curtain open. I had to stop for a break before attempting the window. My raven watched me with a cocked head. I took a deep breath and raised the window an inch or two.
Then I laid back down on my bed face down. The freezing air cooled off my burning hot skin. I felt something on my back and turned my head thinking I would see my mom or dad, but it was my raven. His shiny beak clutched a piece of my greasy red hair, moving it out of my eyes.
I smiled at him, genuinely happy that he didn't freeze to death in the icy rain. "Hi my friend. I'm sorry I was a jerk last night. I must be sick or something. I feel terrible." He rubbed his beak across my forehead and clucked his tongue at me. I closed my eyes immediately relaxing at his touch and drifted back into dream land. I hadn't slept that soundly in weeks.
I awoke to the sunlight touching my cheek. I yawned and stretched my arms and legs, joints cracking. My skin didn't itch as much. My bones weren't aching. For the first time in goddess knows how long, my brain wasn't freaking out with too much info all at once. It was like going to sleep in a heavy metal concert and waking up in a quiet forest. I sat up remembering I left the window open, but it was closed and a black feather sat on the window seal.
Ravens can't close windows can they? Nah...mom or dad probably shut it, I thought.
I stood slowly. My muscles sore and stiff, but my bones felt better. I made my way to the bathroom and took a shower in water as hot as I could stand it. My skin turned a bright shade of pink under the heat. My muscles loosened up as the water beat down on me and by the end of my shower I felt like a new woman. Well...girl...or teenager? Whatever I am.
I dressed in clean pajamas and stripped the sheets off my bed. Since I didn't shower before sleeping last night, I had to wash my sheets. The thought of clean bodies in dirty sheets made my skin crawl. I threw the pile on the floor and decided to eat first.
My mom and dad were already in the kitchen when I made my way over for some coffee. They had been quietly murmuring to each other and grew suspiciously silent when I entered.
"Hey kiddo!" Dad said a little too loudly. I flinched, my head hurting. "Hey dad." "How do you feel this morning?" He asked before he kissed the top of my head. "Much better than last night. My muscles are sore, but I'm not hurting as much today. My anxiety must have caused it."
Mom looked at me funny before looking back at the coffee maker to pour herself another cup. "What makes you say that?" She asked, trying to sound nonchalant. "Because my anxiety was so bad yesterday morning that I kind of caused an electrical surge in class." I muttered softly, looking down at the ground. I expected them to yell, but they didn't.
When I looked up, they were sharing another meaningful look. "Anything else?" "What do you mean?" I asked her. "Are you having any weird symptoms or any out of the ordinary feelings?" "I don't know Mom. I just felt off all day. I didn't sleep much the night before....for a few weeks now, I haven't been sleeping good." I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, "Its just too much all at once. All those emotions and...problems." I didn't want to elaborate on the thoughts problem. "Then at lunch, I watched a movie with Meadow. I zoned out and woke up in the car. I feel terrible like I got ran over or something. Everything hurts.."
Dad patted my forearm, "Sweetie, I think you need to try these herbs. Spirit can be a strong force for mastered witches and wizards to deal with. In a 13 year old body, you aren't going to handle it well."
He removed his hand from my arm and grabbed a brown tincture bottle. "These particular herbs have been calling out to me for you. I've already made the tincture if you want it. We can mix it in your tea or coffee or even water. It doesn't matter just as long as you take it regularly."
"It'll suppress some of those feelings until you are ready to use that side of yourself." Dad's magic was in his tinctures and herbs. He would know exactly what to do for me. He always did.
I nodded reluctantly. "Sure. I can try it dad."
"Okay then kiddo. You can start taking it tonight. It's best to take before bed since it can make you sleepy." I nodded and he kissed the top of my head as he stood up.
"I have to open the store early today. I'm expecting someone earlier than our regular hours, so I need to head down. Lou I'll need your help unpacking the shipment this afternoon." "Yeah I'll be here." I reassured him.
He kissed mom on the lips as he went to leave. I gagged myself with my finger, before I realized Amelia wasn't there to see. Sadness slashed through me bringing tears to my eyes. I hope those herbs help my own feelings lessen too. These things are intense lately.
Dad shut the door to the stairs as mom began talking to me. "Bye baby. Have a good day." Mom hugged me and kissed my cheek. She grabbed her bag and said "Get lots of rest and STAY. HYDRATED." I nodded my head a few times so she knew I heard her. "Oh! and Keep your window shut. It's too cold outside for you to sleep like that with a fever." She checked her watch, "Oh Moon! I'm late for that meeting with..." She teleported to school before she could finish her sentence.
I had the house to myself today. I grabbed a cup of coffee, a banana, and some ibuprofen. I ate it, took the medicine, and sipped my coffee. I grabbed the pile of dirty sheets and threw them in the washer. I could smell the fever on them. Gross.
I put clean sheets on my bed before laying down. I was already tired again. This illness had really taken it out of me. I propped myself up on my pillow to comb through my still wet hair and braid it. My red hair tangled easily, so I sprayed in some leave in conditioning treatment Amelia found online and began working through it with my wide tooth comb.
My hair wasn't straight and it wasn't curly. It was somewhere in between straight and wavy. Amelia said it was pretty, but sometimes I wished I had my sister's hair. She had straight golden blonde hair naturally that many girls pay good money for. My hair was just something else that was different about me.
And my freckles. As soon as I learn how to hide imperfections with magic, I'm inventing a bottle of freckles-be-gone.
Here I go again. Feeling sorry for myself. Tears formed in my eyes at the self-pitying thoughts. I finished the braid down the back of my head, just as I heard the all too familiar peck on my window.
I looked at the window to see my raven watching me through the glass. He pecked at the window again for me to open it. I moved easier this time and opened the window for him to come inside. He hopped onto the window sill and dropped a small round stone into my hand.
It was a grey stone with a turquoise blue swirl pattern on both sides of it. I observed the stone carefully and rubbed my finger along the swirls. The rock had a spiral groove where the swirl, so that even if I was blind, I would've been able to feel the swirl. I wondered how a rock could form that way.
I looked up in wonder at my raven. "Where did you find this?" I asked him, looking back down at the rock. "It's so beautiful. Thank you!" I pulled my bag of nuts and dried berries out of my dresser drawer that I made just for him. I held some out to him. He flew to my arm and began eating the treats I gave him.
I giggled at my friend. He had started bringing me little trinkets in exchange for treats a while ago, but he had never brought me anything as beautiful as this rock. After he finished his snack, he perched on my headboard like he was watching over me, and I laid down to rest. The fatigue settling over me like a heavy cloud.
I felt calm with him around though. His spirit was soothing to mine. Like I said, animals make sense to me. Simple. Less emotion and chaos. I wish I could've just been an Earth Elemental like Meadow. Much easier than all this spirit mess. I dozed off to sleep. I slept all day and woke when I heard mom in the kitchen making dinner. Again, my window was shut and my raven gone when I woke up. Mom would probably be angry with me for leaving the window open again.
I got up easier this time. My muscles not hurting as much as this morning. "Mommy..." I hugged her from behind around her waist and squeezed her really tight. "I missed you today." "My sweet baby. I missed you too. Meadow asked me about you today. How you feeling?" "Exhausted still, but not as sore." "That's good" she said and pecked a kiss on my cheek. "I think I'm going to step outside for a sec. I need some fresh air." "You didn't get enough with that window being open again?" I slowly looked back at her guilty. She laughed, "It's starting to snow again Lou." "I'll bundle up. I promise Mom. I just need some fresh air. Please?" I wasn't above begging. She looked at me like I was nuts, but finally answered, "Okay....but don't stay out there long. I don't want the cold air to make you sicker or bring your fever back." I ran to my room to dress in my winter gear.
I left my pajamas on and bundled up in my long oversized winter coat, scarf, gloves, warm boots, and hat. I made my way down the stairs and went out the back door rather than through the shop. It sounded like dad was closing up for the day, and I didn't want to get roped into helping clean floors. Even sick, he might ask me.
I walked through the back yard. Mom and dad had a vegetable and herb garden out here with the greenhouse in the far back corner. Everything was dead in this cold weather. I shivered. Winter is necessary for the life cycle and all, but I much prefer spring.
I passed the greenhouse and went through the gate to walk my path in the woods. I had about 30 minutes before dark, and I felt like a brisk walk in the woods would do me some good. It's like taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater too long. I needed it.
The trees were bare except for the evergreens. It was dense and dark looking, but once inside the tree cover, my eyes adjusted easily. Immediately the stress washed off me. The most recent blanket of snow was still mixed in the forest floor with dead leaves. It had melted some in the lawn by the house, but the forest floor was still covered. It's abnormal for us not to have 10+ inches of snow this time of year. Dad said global warming was the cause. I felt a twinge of sadness in my chest for the earth at that thought.
Here I made my way down my path that led to our treehouse. My dad built it for us a long time ago, and we used this path as a "secret" way to get there. Of course, you could go the long way around, but we liked this way through the trees. It felt adventurous.
I sat on a dead log and listened, reaching out with my aura to feel the forest and cleanse myself of the muck that had gotten stuck there from the C.A. I felt the animals in burrows underneath my feet, the owl in the tree above me, the squirrels in the tree on my other side, the mice scurrying under the dead leaves and snow, even the leaves decaying into the ground, feeding the tree roots. I felt for the trees. They were very much alive and moving despite the leaves making them look dead. While feeling the trees, I discovered a nymph a little further into the forest.
I tried focusing my attention there, as I had never known of a nymph to inhabit this forest. Then again, I'd never actually felt one before either, but I was almost certain it was a nymph. The soul was distinct, woody scented, hardy, green in color, with a slight sense of mischief. A tree nymph. I wonder if I have passed it before not realizing it wasn't just a regular old tree.
I felt the forest adapt to my presence, and the quiet hibernating forest felt alive again. Tiny movements here and there; a deer further out eating bark, the creek bubbling over rocks and sticks, my raven swooping in and sitting on the log next to me. I opened my eyes and watched him. He'd always been around, but today he didn't leave my side for very long. He hopped closer to me and placed his beak into my palm. I rubbed the top of it softly between his eyes down to the tip. He nibbled at my fingers lightly and laid his face back into my palm. He closed his eyes and he kept his face there for a moment. I hoped he wasn't getting sick too. Can witches infect ravens?
I guess I was lost in feeling the forest for longer than I thought. It had begun growing dark, and I needed to get back. The snow had stopped falling and the clouds had opened to reveal a bright full moon. She looked beautiful through the trees and the snow cover. "C'mon raven. I have to get back home for dinner." I stood to leave but my muscles were so stiff it was difficult to move. My bones began hurting. I tried to move my feet, but they felt like lead and cracked loudly when I forced them to take a step. I dropped to the ground on my knees.
All that existed was pain. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Pain was in every fiber of my being. My bones felt as if they were breaking into hundreds of splinters. My skin felt itchy and then like it was on fire. I wanted to tear it off to free myself of it. I began thrashing on the ground trying to rip my skin from my bones. I needed to free myself.
I couldn't see. I couldn't smell anything. My senses had left me. I may have been screaming or crying or moaning. I wasn't sure. I couldn't hear anything outside of this roaring in my ears. It was like I had been put into a vacuum in space where only pain existed, and my body was not my own.
I felt hot skin touch mine and wherever it touched, my skin felt less pain than before. The arms wrapped around me, lifting me, and I felt movement. Each step jolted through my body like lightening strikes. Thunder rattling my teeth. It felt like time didn't exist. After an eternity, or maybe a couple seconds, we stopped moving. I faintly heard a deep voice, then shouting.
Between the pain and the lack of normal senses, I couldn't understand what was happening around me or to me. I just wanted my mommy. My daddy to make it all go away. My sister to crawl into bed with me and make the bad dreams go away. I felt hot tears on my cheeks. Something cool on my tongue. I didn't realize how thirsty I was. I drank at the liquid until there was nothing left. I began crying again. More liquid filled the cup and I drank some more.
The pains slowly began to subside. My senses dulled. I saw my kitchen. My mom, my dad, and eyes the color of oak leaves in the summer. Beautiful, I thought.
The room was upside down. I floated into the floor. My body melted through the sky like a cloud. Then I was on the moon looking into the universe at the stars.
A woman with twinkling stars in her pitch black hair danced towards the moon and me through space. Her hair danced around her in purple and black swirls and looked to be a part of the universe. Her eyes sparkled like the stars do at night. Bright and dim and bright again in the shape of the five pointed star. Mesmerizing.
She was round in the belly with pregnancy. She smiled softly rubbing her stomach. Her smile changing from kind and sweet watching her belly to pointy teeth and red eyes looking at me with malevolence.
A cold feeling of fear ran down my spine as if I were doused with ice water. She opened her mouth to speak, but ravens flew out instead of words. I ducked to avoid them as they flew at my head, cawing to scare me away, but they never touched me. I slowly raised my head, my arms covering myself, to look back at her, but she was no longer there.
An old lady with gray hair and a heavily wrinkled face stood in her place. I stood slowly not taking my eyes off her. Her mouth opened to say something, but I couldn't hear her words either. Her mouth moved over and over in the same pattern that I couldn't quite make out, until "The Hunt" whispered in my ear. I turned to see who spoke in my ear.
A shadowed figure stood behind my shoulder watching me. He seemed familiar, but his cold stare scared me in a different way than the pregnant star lady did. I tried to back away, but he stepped towards me, one step for each one I took backward. His shadowed eyes suddenly turned white, glowing against his darkness.
The white eyes drew me in. Then they melted into a blue swirl pattern. The swirl began spinning. It spun and spun and spun, growing larger and larger, spinning faster and faster, until I could only see blue.
I was in water now. I swam to the surface and heard seagulls and the crash of waves. I swam to the shore as quick as I could. Amelia waved at me from further up the beach. Smiling. Happy. Safe.
I ran to her, happy to see someone familiar in this nightmare, but she couldn't see me. She kept waving at someone behind me. "Amelia! Amelia! I'm right here!" I screamed, except the screams were muted like I was underwater still. She didn't see me anymore.
I felt like I couldn't breathe. I began coughing and spluttering. Water and bubbles frothed out of my mouth onto the sand where they morphed into wolves.
Tiny wolves began running on the sand. They grew larger and larger. Their paws mighty and strong on the dirt and grass, and I was above them somehow, watching them run across the now mountainside. The summer sun faded to the darkness of winter. The wolves' breath visible in the cold night air.
A howl erupted into the night. A long sad howl. A howl of mourning. It made my heart hurt at the amount of pain it contained.
Wait. Was I dreaming still? Was the howl really happening or part of my dream? I looked around my room trying to determine reality from dreamland. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. It was just a dream.
My raven was gone. My parents were in bed. I was in my bed. Amelia was in her dorm probably. The howl wasn't real. I was alone. Covered in a cold sweat. But I was alive. I was home. I was safe. I focused on my breathing and laid back down.
I eventually went back to sleep and had a dreamless, peaceful sleep for the first night in weeks.
******