During the first week of Jack's return to Dalton, he was invited to two parties; one of which was a junior party. Any ninth or tenth grader who was in attendance would've had to receive an invite from someone in an older grade. These parties were hosted by popular kids for popular kids. Jack watched as his fame as a notorious teenage runaway laid the foundation for his newfound popularity. Sure, he'd always been one of the pretty boys, the ones half the female student body batted their eyelashes mercilessly at as he walked through the halls. But the island had done the very opposite for his social status. It made people weary of him, scared to say the wrong thing or to look at him the wrong way. Some worried that any mention of anything island, plane, or military school related might send him into a fit of rage or tears. The island made him a victim, but running away had resurrected his social status as a daredevil and a rebel.
The second Friday night since his return home was one of the first few nights that he hadn't been invited some place he didn't know with people he didn't care about. Jack loved being popular more than he loved those who made him popular. He didn't care enough to know the girls who swooned over him. He called all his supposed friends 'man' to avoid having to admit that he never bothered to learn their names. He was becoming consumed with himself, with who he was to them, and how much their own social statuses depended on his acceptance of them. But this wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, though Jack pretended not to realize it. Whether he'd admit it or not, he had been in this position before. Not here, but somewhere in the middle of nowhere; not now, but not so long ago.
Jack wouldn't have had the guts to admit this to any of his classmates, but he was relieved when he got the occasional night to himself, like tonight. Sitting atop the social hierarchy of the freshman class was a full time job, or so it felt like. Jack hardly ever got a moment to himself at school, not unless he excused himself to use the bathroom. Even at home, Paige coddled him a little too much the first week he was home. She'd bombarded him with questions every time he went to leave the house, squeezing every detail about where he was going and when he'd be back out of him.
But tonight, Paige was out having dinner with a classmate from her college to discuss a project they were working on together. And much to Jack's relief, his father would be working until at least 2130 hours, if not later. Jack had the stupidly large Merridew house to himself for once, and he planned on taking full advantage.
Jack made himself a bowl of popcorn, drizzling an arguably horrendous amount of melted butter over it. That, a plate of fruit salad, and a tall glass of ice water was all he needed before propping himself in front of the TV, turning on his 3DO gaming system. He wore nothing but briefs and a pair of freshly cleaned pyjama bottoms, his hair disorderly and free of product. He was comfortable; just him, his snacks and his controller.
Jack had been playing for maybe an hour, give or take ten or fifteen minutes, when he heard a knock at the door. He paused his game in a panic, lifting himself abruptly from his relaxed position on the couch. He remembered the last time someone came to his door unexpectedly in the night. He had stupidly opened it, and all the strength in his body was drained at the discovery of her identity. His mother. What if she was back? What if she somehow managed to show up at the worst possible time? Jack dismissed that thought as he realized there would never be a good time for her to show up. He sat in silence, frozen in fear, as he hoped that whoever was out there would just go away. But that hope vanished as the door was pounded on again, rather aggressively, Jack noted. The intense banging continued, and Jack's panic festered like a disease inside him.
Jack reluctantly stood up, and stepped slowly and quietly out into the front entryway. He wasn't tall enough to see out the peephole, which had led him to opening the door for his mother all those weeks ago. He had no idea what he was going to do if it was her banging on the door now. Paige wasn't here to take control of the situation. Jack thought about his classmates, how if they'd been here with him, he would have a much braver face on right now. But here, by himself, as the deja vu pierced his damaged heart, he couldn't feel a brave bone in his body.
Jack attempted to look out the glass beside the door, but it was painted stained glass; a beautiful work of art his father paid a lot of money for. It was translucent but thick, and Jack couldn't see a goddamn thing out it. The door was banged on fiercely again from the other side, and Jack was so close to it, he practically jumped out of his skin. There was nobody worse than his mother, and she already showed up here, and he survived it somehow. So Jack put that brave face on as he made the decision to crack open the door a little, just to see what kind of lunatic was hammering on the door like they were.
Jack would've been less surprised if it had been his mother. He was taken aback when he saw Ralph Langley standing on his doorstep after dark. The brunette boy was holding his fist near the door when Jack opened it, just about to hit it a tenth or maybe twelfth time.
Jack opened the door the rest of the way and stood, stunned to silence for a moment as his eyes found Ralph's. The younger boy looked a wreck; his hair a tattered disaster that likely hadn't been brushed in days. The Outward Bound t-shirt he was wearing Jack had only seen crumpled at the bottom of Ralph's pyjama drawer a time or two. His pants were grey sweatpants that were in desperate need of an iron. He was wearing his old gym sneakers, rips and tears in the parts of the fabric. Jack was suddenly shamefully aware of the fact that he wasn't properly dressed; shirtless and in pyjama bottoms. He hadn't ever considered his attire or lack thereof when he'd been around Ralph before, but for some reason, he felt exposed and uncomfortable about it now.
They'd only been standing there a few seconds as all this information paced through Jack's mind. He had no time to speak before Ralph's eyes went dark with anger.
"You fucking asshole!" Ralph shouted violently as he stepped toward Jack, shoving the blond boy so hard Jack stumbled back into the house behind him, barely catching himself before he nearly fell.
"What the—" Jack began to shout back as he regained his balance, but Ralph just shoved him again, with the same dangerous level of strength. Jack had been better prepared this time, catching himself more quickly. He stepped towards Ralph daringly, laying his palms flat against the front of Ralph's shoulders and shoving him back, hard.
Ralph pushed him back a little before lunging at Jack, the full force of his weight taking both of them down to the floor. Ralph was on top, indifferent to the horrific sound Jack's head made when it collided with the shiny, white vinyl floor beneath them. Ralph sat upright on Jack's torso, the blond laying helplessly beneath him. Ralph continued to punch Jack in the chest, neck, stomach and even his face. But Jack was quick, and he'd managed to soften the blow of most of Ralph's hits, using his arms and hands to deflect the continuous assault.
After a solid, long minute or two of attempting to dodge Ralph's flying fists, Jack felt the younger boy start to slow down. His attacks became slower and weaker, run down by a lagging lack of energy and exhaustion. Ralph was breathing heavily, his chest heaving excessively, his face hot and red. He was too weak to keep fighting, but that didn't stop him from trying. At last, Jack grabbed ahold of both of his wrists, squeezing them firmly to stop the other. Ralph finally realized he was flat out of energy and stopped resisting.
Both boys were breathing heavily, their chests rising and falling as their bodies begged for oxygen. Jack maintained a strong grip on Ralph's wrists in case he decided he wasn't done. But Ralph held his arms out in front of him without resistance, surrendering to Jack's tight hold. They stared exhaustedly into each others eyes as their bodies slowly recovered from the sudden drainage of energy.
"How could you do this to me?" Ralph shouted at the boy beneath him, his voice a little weaker and quieter than it had been when he shouted before. Tears formed in his dark eyes as the grief and anger overwhelmed him, consumed him, forcing him to finally surrender to the grief and agony he'd been suppressing for well over a month. Staring down at Jack's stunned, tired face, Ralph lost the capability to hold up a front any longer.
Jack watched, wide-eyed as Ralph's indignation subsided into simple grief. The previously angered, hot-blooded boy in front of him was replaced by one full of sadness and misunderstanding. Jack stared up at Ralph from where he laid on the floor beneath him as the brunette stared to cry intensely. Ralph strongly and abruptly pulled his wrists free from Jack's grasp and shamefully covered his face with his hands; a shield between his vulnerability and the boy who'd caused it.
Jack pushed himself up on his elbows, and then his hands so he was sitting upright. Ralph still sat on Jack's lower stomach, his legs hung over either side of the blond. Jack brought himself up further so he was inches in front of Ralph now, chest to chest and face to face. Jack didn't attempt to get Ralph to uncover his eyes, but instead pulled him into his arms. Ralph allowed Jack to guide his head down into the crevice of his neck and shoulder. Ralph still held his hands over his face as he settled in the crook of Jack's neck, shaking violently as he sobbed. Jack gently rubbed his back for comfort, resting his own head against the side of Ralph's.
Jack's train of thought started to come back to him now, his first moment to think in the last several minutes. He wondered if Ralph's parents knew he was here, or if the boy told them he was leaving at all. Ralph's parents weren't like his, they would be wondering where he was, worried, panicked. Jack considered this as he held Ralph, the younger boy's cries background noise to his thoughts.
Jack finally began to process the fact that Ralph really was here in his house, in his arms. He hadn't realized how much he missed him, how ingenuine his life had become without him. Jack felt tears silently welling in his own eyes as memories of him and Ralph paced through his mind like pictures in a scrapbook. He had promised himself that he would forget; that he'd never let himself dwell on what he'd given up for a good reason. But seeing Ralph, feeling him here in his embrace, was making that a relatively impossible promise to keep.
Jack let the tears fall down his face as he pressed Ralph's body firmly against his own, cursing himself for being the reason Ralph was in turmoil. Maybe the reason he broke things off with Ralph wasn't such a good one after all.
Jack felt Ralph start to slowly calm beneath him. The younger boy had brought his hands down from his face and wrapped them around Jack's bare back a little bit ago now. It had taken a mere ten to twelve minutes of them sitting there like that for Ralph to begin to wind down. But he was now finally relaxed, still and quiet, as he let Jack hold him in the heavy silence.
After a short moment or two, Jack pulled back a little, gently prying Ralph's head from his neck, forcing the younger boy to look him in the eye. Jack used the back of his palm to wipe away some of the damp streaks off Ralph's face. Jack said nothing simply because he didn't know what to say.
"How could you?" Ralph repeated much gentler this time, his voice hoarse and scratchy from crying.
Still, Jack didn't know what to say. So he settled for the truth. "I thought I was protecting you."
Ralph scoffed in disbelief, but still a perfect picture of emotional distress. "You were protecting yourself" the brunette countered in a raspy voice.
"I wasn't" Jack challenged confidently. "At least, that isn't what I was trying to do" he argued firmly.
"You're lying" Ralph accused him, the hurt coming through in his tone a little again.
"I'm not, I swear it" Jack desperately tried to convince the other.
"You were protecting me from what then? From being happy?" Ralph's volume increased a little as did his anger.
"No, I was protecting you from me" Jack corrected him. "I didn't think I was good for you. Being with me put you at risk; put you in scary and dangerous situations. I couldn't keep doing that to you, Ralph! You worried about me all the time and your parents worried about you when you were here, I know they did. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of me to put you through that. My dad beat me when you were in the other room, he threw that drawer at me while you were upstairs, then my mother showed up here. I saw you, Ralph, I saw how scared you were. And it only would've gotten worse. What if my dad hit me in front of you? Or accidentally hurt you while he was trying to get at me? What if you tried to defend me and got hurt anyway? What if my mom came back and Paige wasn't here? All these things happened and could again... I didn't want to risk something happening to you. You've bore witness to more abuse here with me than you have in the rest of your life. I didn't want to be the reason you started to see that the world is an ugly place. I wanted you to stay this wonderful, positive person who sees the good in everyone and believes in things like unconditional love and rescue. I couldn't be with you knowing that I was taking all that away from you."
Ralph's anger had receded completely by the time Jack finished speaking. He was crying again, but silently this time as Jack's words pierced his heart and spun his head around in circles.
"That was never your choice to make" Ralph finally replied, his watery eyes clouding his vision.
"I made the choice because you weren't going to. I know how much you love me, Ralph, and you would give up everything for me if I asked you to. But I couldn't ask you to do that just to be with me. It isn't fair" Jack countered softly.
"You really don't get it, do you?" Ralph asked in a quiet, tender tone.
"Get what?" Jack questioned, confusion in his eyes.
"You weren't ruining my life, you made it better. I never expected anything of you, Jack. I never expected you to be perfect, to have the perfect family, to be something you're not. I know you, all of you, and I love everything that you are. You've done a lot of monstrous things, but I still chose to be with you. You think that after all that, after I fell in love with you anyway, that there was anything else in the world that could come between us?"
"I'm not arguing with that. I know you love me in spite of all of that. You're missing the point" Jack thought as his heart felt like it was deflating.
"No you're missing the point. I don't love you in spite of it. I love you and everything that you are, everything about yourself and your life that you hate. But none of it has to define you. It doesn't dictate who you are or where you're going. Just like your parents don't dictate that either. You don't have to define yourself by your father's abuse or your mother's absence. They made those choices, as horrible and unfair as they were. You aren't them, Jack, or how they treat you" Ralph attempted to get through to the broken boy in front of him.
"Easy for you to say, you are perfect. And you do have the perfect family" Jack hollowly claimed.
"No, I'm not" Ralph argued gently. "My parents can't even look me in the eye anymore. All they talk about is how unrecognizable I am, how fed up they are with me, how tired they are. I've been a burden to them and I have no idea how to stop. I want to, I really do. I wanted to talk to them and tell them everything but I just... couldn't."
"What are you talking about?" Jack asked softly as he noticed the tears welling in Ralph's eyes, his head down in shame.
"I lied to the police" Ralph lifted his head to admit. "I told them I never saw you in Brookhaven, that I never talked to you at all."
"What? Why would you do that?" Jack wondered in shock.
"Because even after everything you said, after you made me feel like hell, like I wasn't worth fighting for... I still had to protect you. I hated myself for it, I didn't even understand why I did it. But I had to do it, probably because I was stupid and I still loved you and I don't know how to put myself before you. Not even the day after you ripped my heart out and stomped on it like the head of one of your slain pigs. It's what I've always done. I lied to the Flag State about your involvement in my friends' deaths and in our separation into different camps. I know it doesn't make any sense but it's the truth, as dumb as it sounds" Ralph dropped his head again, feelings of disgrace beating his confidence to a pulp.
"Hey, you're not stupid" Jack said softly, using his hand to lift Ralph's chin so they were eye to eye. "You're beautiful. Your heart, your mind, all of you" Jack said as he grasped Ralph's waist with both his hands. "I was the stupid one for hurting you like I did. I thought you were better off, but I don't know, maybe I was wrong."
"I'm a mess, Jack" Ralph whimpered quietly. "My parents are ashamed of me, they're scared of me. They gave up on me. They tried so hard to fix me but they couldn't so they just gave up. They don't even say anything anymore when I do something stupid. My family isn't perfect, like you said it was, I ruined it."
"Why would you do that?" Jack asked tenderly, and bravely because he was afraid of the answer.
"I don't know" Ralph cried, "I just... lost it. It was too hard, I didn't feel strong enough to deal with it. I shut down, I just felt ... like nothing."
"You couldn't deal with what?" Jack pressed on.
"This" Ralph gestured his hand back and forth in the little space between the two of them.
Jack let a tear fall from his eye as he regrettably remembered how long it had been since he actually saw Ralph. It had been a month and a half at least. All that time, every bloody second, Ralph was losing himself, the very thing Jack had been trying to prevent in his choice to break up with him in the first place. How stupidly ironic it was.
"I'm sorry" Jack whispered sadly. "I never thought— I just assumed— I... I'm just sorry."
"Don't be sorry" Ralph whispered back, "just kiss me."
Jack lifted his head to meet Ralph's eyes, only for a second, before urgently smashing his lips against the younger boy's. Ralph flinched at the unexpected urgency of the act, but quickly sunk into the moment. He felt tears falling silently and uncontrollably down his face as he wrapped his arms around Jack's neck, pulling him closer. Jack pulled Ralph, who was already sitting in his lap, closer so their chests were pressed together. His slim arms found their way around the brunette, his hands firmly pressed into the small of his back. Jack started crying again too, crying because he'd forgotten what this felt like, forgotten how important and grave it was to be loved this way. Jack carefully traced the outline of Ralph's lips with his tongue, sending obvious shivers down the other boy's spine. He made to pull Ralph closer again as he deepened the kiss, leading the smaller boy, showing him what to do. Ralph copied Jack's movements, letting his own tongue find its way into Jack's mouth. Ralph could feel his heart beating fast inside his chest, threatening to burst its way out.
Eventually, Jack with his unending willpower and strength, broke the kiss. He kept his face only inches away from Ralph's as he attempted to catch his breath. Ralph did the same, but smiled sheepishly at the blond boy.
"I'm sorry" Jack said again. "I didn't know what it was doing to you."
"I'm okay" Ralph assured him, "as long as it's over now... as long as I have you." His whisper showed a lack of certainty, and of confidence.
"It's over" Jack assured him. "It's me and you, man" he chuckled softly. "Til the end of the fucking world."
"Or until we crash land on an uninhabited island" Ralph joked cruelly.
"Fuck you" Jack smiled wickedly but intriguingly as he shook his head at the thought.
"Do it then" Ralph challenged, pulling against Jack's neck to close the gap between their lips again. Jack laughed a little against the boy's lips at Ralph's sly comment. He kissed him back feverishly, desperately for a lengthy few minutes, deepening the physical closeness of their bodies with each vital second.
"Jesus, you two!"
Jack and Ralph scrambled apart in a panic at the sound of a third voice in the room. They looked up, a foot or two between them now, at Paige standing with her eyebrows raised and arms folded in the open doorway. She stared down at the two, heavy-breathing, hot, sweaty, kids sitting on the white floor. They stared up at her, dumbfounded, guilty looks on their beat-red faces.
"It isn't what it looks like" Jack finally spoke into the tense, awkward silence.
"Ha!" Paige belted out an intrigued laugh. "Enlighten me then" she challenged, a cruel grin on her face. She was clearly enjoying having caught her brother in such a compromising position.
"I was mad at 'im" Ralph stumbled awkwardly through the words. "I came here to yell at him."
"Yes, I can see just how mad you are at sweet, innocent Jack here" Paige scoffed with a smile, her hope to embarrass them so far a success. She watched as her brother's already bright red face went a shade darker.
"That's the truth, I swear it" Ralph tried to salvage the situation, painfully aware of how badly he was failing.
"Sure, okay. So you just go around kissing everyone before you kill them?" she joked cruelly. She was having too much fun with this, both boys could see.
"No" Ralph's face too turned a shade darker. "It just happened. We didn't realize you—"
It was painful to watch; Ralph's anxiety and inability to come up with a good lie on the spot. Paige finally had enough of making them suffer. She interrupted with a belting laugh, causing both boys to stare horrified at each other and then back at her.
"Jesus, you should see your faces right now" Paige chuckled devilishly. "Relax, I'm glad you're back to being all lovey on each other again. I was starting to think that this was truly over for some no good reason."
Ralph heard Jack release the breath he'd been holding beside him, as he released his own. Paige had always been an ally to them, and Ralph could see that Jack was just about ready to kill her for messing with them.
"But close the front door for Christ's sake" Paige added as she did so herself.
"We were a little distracted" Ralph answered innocently, earning a scolding slap across the arm from Jack.
Paige shook her head disapprovingly at them, but really, they all knew deep down that there wasn't a single person in that room who wasn't happy that the boys were back together again.
Jack stood up off the floor first and followed his sister into the kitchen, Ralph in tow behind. They watched in silence as the girl loaded the leftovers from her dinner into the fridge.
"Do your parents know you left?" Jack turned to Ralph as the thought re-entered his mind.
"I don't know" Ralph shrugged sadly. "They probably wouldn't care either way."
Jack wrapped his arm around Ralph's shoulder, gently rubbing his upper arm. Paige shot Ralph a confused glance, unable to imagine a situation where what he said could possibly make sense given what she knew about Jeffery and Laurie Langley.
"When was the last time you showered?" Jack asked suddenly, finally noticing the distasteful smell of Ralph's clothes. Jack was expecting Ralph to slap him or tell him to screw off but the boy just glanced up as he gave the matter a genuine thought.
"Monday, maybe" Ralph considered, clearly unsure and unconvinced.
"It's Friday!" Paige's eyes went wide with disgust.
"He knows that" Jack shot his sister a silencing glare. "Come on, let me worry about your folks, you just go have a shower, alright?" Jack gently guided Ralph out of the kitchen and back into the front entryway where the grand staircase was.
"You don't have to do that for me" Ralph decided but didn't resist as Jack kept his arm around him, letting the older boy take him upstairs anyway.
"I think I do" Jack declared, tightly pressing his lips together and looking the other way. His decision to let Ralph shower was as much for his own sake as it was for Ralph's.
"That bad, huh?" Ralph chuckled a little, dropping his head in embarrassment.
"A little" Jack lightly laughed with him.
Several hours had passed since Ralph stood in front of his own bathroom mirror, studying his empty, broken reflection, wondering where it had all gone so wrong. Now, he stared at himself in Jack's mirror, the memory of him bandaging the blond boy's hand right here months ago passing through his mind. He studied his strange reflection. He wasn't perfect, despite what Jack claimed to believe. Still Ralph could see a little of the light that had vanished from his eyes resurfacing. His hair was still a tattered mess, his clothes wrinkled and unwashed. The dark blue Outward Bound shirt caught his eye, and he could feel the way it sloppily molded itself into the crevices his sweaty skin from days of constant wear. He still didn't feel like himself, and didn't look like it either. Perhaps it would take a little time for him to regain his own trust, to rebuild his strength, to reclaim his confidence. But that was okay, he decided, as stared into his reflection's eyes. He didn't have to be perfect, he just had to be enough; enough for himself, for his parents, and for Jack. It was all he could do. And for the first time in a long time, Ralph thought that just might be possible.