"It's...Selena."
He said the girl's name directling staring into my eyes. Sa mga matang iyon, I see no regrets of anything he possibly done.
But I still give him the benefit of the doubt. I listen before overthink things again. He's Justin, and I knew him for too long.
Ngayon ko pa ba siya pagdududahan?
I didn't speak or react, I just look at him too. I was hoping he could read my mind that all I ever need is assurance that nothing had happened between them. Gusto kong ipaliwanag niya ang dahilan na gusto kong marinig. Na nagkataon lamang na magkasama sila.
I saw seriousness on his face. And in that very moment, I know that once he opens his mouth to speak...it's gonna be hurt.
"I..." He take a deep breath.
"I knew her since two years ago. Bago pa tayo mag college." He look like his telling a sad love story and I hate it. "...Bago pa siya makilala ni Gio."
Why did I have no idea about this? Palagi kaming magkasama. How I could I never notice he's already eyeing some other girl?
"We started of friends then later on I try to court her."
Of course, you did. I told myself.
Justin is the type of guy who will pursue something he really want. And I think that also apply to people he encounter with.
Nagtataka lamang ako kung bakit pagdating sa akin, laging hindi siya ready.
At ngayong nalaman ko na unang kita niya pa lang noon kay Selena, he already knew she's the one. And that breaks my heart because I've been with him from the very start. Before he even learn what love is.
We grew up together. Yet he still can't see me on those many years we had shared.
"But she rejected me and I don't why. Maybe she's not ready. She didn't give me any explanation."
I stayed silent. I'm out of words to say.
Bago ang lahat ng ito sa akin. Kung ikwento niya ang babaeng iyon ay parang may isang punto sa buhay niya na hindi ko nasaksihan, kung kaya't hindi ko ito alam.
How could I say anything to the person I love, telling me how he met the girl he fell in love with? Should I comfort him for being rejected?
Or should I comfort myself from hurting?
"They moved so I didn't get to see her again. Not until the day, Gio introduced her to us...as his friend." He's talking about the time where Gio introduced her to Justin and Yexel for the first time.
"Una magkaibigan lang sila. That's what he told us. But I was shocked when Gio suddenly introduced her as his date, noong araw na makita natin sila sa coffee shop."
He speaks as if he's so dissapointed.
"Y-You came to her today...."
It wasn't a question.
"Yes. I because I want her to explain herself. I demand answers. Pero hindi niya pa rin iyon ibinigay sa akin. She said I should leave, dahil may trabaho pa siya sa coffee shop."
"But she answers your phone..."
"I left it in the coffee shop. She knew it was mine so she answers it. It was you who called. But she got scared because you're the caller. She thought you're my girlfriend. She didn't want you to think that I'm cheating."
Huminga ako ng malalim. I try to take in all his explanations. But it just continue to break my heart into million pieces.
Why do I have to hear about this?
Why does he have to this honest? He didn't even bother that he's hurting me. He just keep on explaining things I don't want to hear anymore.
"Selena..." He repeated her name again as if it's his new favorite word.
"I..."
Nakikinig lamang ako sa kanya habang siya ay hindi malaman kung itutuloy ba ang sasabihin o hindi. I know he's afraid that I might get hurt. Pero hindi niya alam, nasasaktan na ako habang hindi pa siya nagsasalita.
Patingin tingin siya sa paligid at iniiwasan ang mga mata ko. But in the end, he had no choice but to look at me.
"I...like her..."
I knew it...
I knew it already. I just pretend that I don't.
Noong araw pa lamang na ipinakilala ni Gio sa akin si Selena. Naramdaman ko na may kakaiba kay Justin. Nagbulag bulagan lamang ako sa lahat at umasa na maaaring mali ako.
Na maaaring mali ako na may nagugustuhan na nga siyang iba.
Dahil kilala ko na siya noon pa. At sa mga titig niya pa lang kay Selena nang araw na iyon, alam kong gusto na siya ni Justin.
Alam ko iyon dahil ganoon din ako tumingin sa lalaking ito na nasa harap ko ngayon.
That's the way how I look at him since day one. The look as if you're longing. The look as if you misses that someone even though that person is in front of you. The way you look like you cannot look at somebody else the same way.
That's how I exactly look at Justin. At ganoon niya din tiningnan si Selena nang araw na iyon.
If I can only stop my heart from beating so that it won't hurt anymore. Kahit sandali lang, gusto kong hindi muna masaktan.
I've study hard but no one teaches me on how to deal with a broken heart.
Ramdam ko ang pag-init ng gilid ng mga mata ko. At paunti unti, kahit gusto kong pigilan, tears fall on its own. Ayaw magpapigil ng mga luhang nag uunahan sa pagtulo.
For a second, I forgot how to speak.
Nakatingin lamang ako sa ibaba at iniiwasan na tumingin pa muli sa mga mata ni Justin.
I felt his hand touches my face. He wipe the tears on it. Dahil sa ginawa niya, lalo lang dumami ang luhang tumulo doon. Hanggang sa hindi ko na napigilan.
He pulled me close and hugged me.
"I'm sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya." he said. But I don't think if he's really sorry.
He fell. He have the chance to ignore his growing feelings to her like what he keep on doing to me. But he chose to fell harder. I don't think if that's really worth apologizing for.
Besides, I am not his girlfriend. So technically, he didn't cheat. It's more of a betrayal.
I didn't hug him back but we stayed that way for minutes. And when I get tired of crying, I clear my throat and try to speak anything.
"Justin...Selena's dating Gio..."
"I know...and that's..." I heard him sighed. "that's really fucked up."
His hug gets really tight as if he's hurting too. Kung nasasaktan ako. Nasasaktan din siya. Dahil ang taong gusto namin ay may gustong iba.
I get more sad when I realized one thing.
Why can't we just love the one who loves us? Bakit hindi nalang ako ang mahalin ni Justin? Why does it have to be somebody else?
Justin and I go back to the court after the break to continue the rehearsal. We pretend like nothing happened. And I pretend I don't know him.
I keep my distance even though he's my dance partner. Justin always checks on me every move we make but he didn't say anything again. Ramdam ko ang pag -aamo niya sa akin. He tries to get close to me but I keep on avoiding him.
Hindi niya ako masisisi.
I'm hurt, and I need space to understand myself, to understand us. Kung ano ba talaga kami? At kung ano ba talaga ang mayroon sila ni Selena.
Our friends saw my puffy eyes but I just smile at them.
"Mom and Dad fought upstairs. That's all. Don't worry about me guys." I said hoping they will accept that as an excuse.
Yexel and Gio looked concerned but still chose to believe me. The three girls, Brianna, Gia and Joan, didn't speak anything but I saw how they look at Justin. Maybe they're suspecting that it's his fault.
Binaliwala ko muna sila sa gusto nilang isipin.
I try to rehearse like I am okay. A few more rounds of practice and we're done. I thanked Teacher Jojo for helping us and he asked if we still need to practice tomorrow or did we all get it already.
Everyone said, one more day of practice and we're good. So, we just decided to see each other again next week since it's the only schedule that matches everyone.
"You can practice with your own partners since we already finalize the positions. It's a good way to perfect the dance while we cannot meet together again completely until next week." Teacher Jojo said while we're all seating. "Nice to meet you guys! You did a good job! Well done and keep up the good work! See you next week."
Naunang umalis si Teacher Jojo at mga pinsan ko. Kami na lang ang natira roon ng mga kaibigan ko. We sat down and all of us were silent.
Yexel stand up.
"Ven, I need to go. I have to do something at home." He said.
Sabay namang tumayo ang tatlong babae.
"Sabay na kami sa'yo, Yex." Joan said, followed by Brianna and surprisingly, Gia.
"Pati ikaw, sasabay sa kanila?" Gio asked Gia. "Ibang way ka diba? Sa'kin ka sumabay. Aalis na rin ako." Gio offered. Pero sinenyasan lang siya ni Gia na manatili sa kinatatayuan niya.
"I'm good, thank you. Nakausap ko na si Yex." Gia coldly replied.
"Gio, ako na ang bahala sa kanila. They already asked me a while ago. May dadaanan din ako kina Gia. That's why I'm going her way." Yexel explained.
I saw Gio clenched his jaw.
"Ayaw kang kasama ni Gia, especially sa isang closed vechicle. Baka may humalik sa kanyang lamok." Pagdadabog ni Joan.
Pigil naman ang pagtawa ni Brianna at Yexel. I think Yexel already knew about what happened.
"Shut up freak, uuna na nga ako. Tss!" Tumayo na si Gio at lumapit sa akin.
His face calm down when he looked at me.
"Ven, I'll go ahead too. These people are annoying." He tapped my shoulder as goodbye.
"Take care, Gio. Thanks for today." I said and he just walk away.
Sunod rin na lumapit sa akin si Yexel.
"Girls, I'll just start the engine." Bumaling siya sa akin. "You're okay, Ven?" He whispered.
I nod.
He just touched the top of my head as if he's comforting me.
"Everything will be okay, don't worry." He whispered again. He just waved at Justin who's looking at us the whole time. "Justin, dude! See you at school."
Justin just nod at him.
"Kung may papabanatan ka sakin na nagpaiyak sayo at Justin ang pangalan, sabihin mo lang." Joan said, iyong tipo na hindi rinig ni Justin.
"These guys loves to hurt us. Bakit kaya?" Gia said. She looked so down today just like me. Mukhang galit pa rin siya kay Gio.
"Just tell us when you're ready. I'll leave my line open, just call me if you need anything. We're one call away, Ven." Brianna hugged me.
Hindi rin nagtagal ay kami nalang ni Justin ang natira.
"Ven..."
"Justin...we're okay. You don't have to be guilty or anything." I told him just to shut him up.
I refuse to let him hurt me again by his words. Huwag na lang sana niya dagdagan. I've heard enough.
"Hindi mo naman ako girlfriend, right?"
"But—"
"Justin, I'm tired. Can I rest already? You're going home already right?"
He looked at me as if he's hurt because I'm pushing him away for the first time.
"Right..." he finally gets it now.
Hinatid ko na siya sa labas ngunit hindi ko na siya hinintay umalis. I just say thank you for what he did today for the rehearsal, just like the others. Their participation is something I'm so grateful for. Dahil kahit papaano, nandiyan sila para sa mahalagang araw ng buhay ko.
Justin understand what I'm feeling, kaya hindi na siya nagpumilit makipag-usap. Besides, what he said is enough. Tama na ang pananakit sa araw na ito. I'm tired and exhausted.
Nang papasok na ako sa bahay, nakita kong nakatayo si Vincent sa main door. He's leaning in the door and his hands are on his sweatpants' pocket. I'm surprise to see him at home, a medical student is very rare to have a free time. Kaya't nakakapanibago na nandito siya at walang ginagawa.
Lalagpasan ko na sana siya ng marinig ko siyang magsalita.
"You know what... It's been so long since I had wine..."
I looked at him with a heavy heart.
"Want to join me? Nakakapagod mag-aral eh." Nag-inat pa siya kunwari. "I also think you need it. So come on, let it out to your Kuya."
Akala ko tapos na akong umiyak. Ngunit sa pag-alok niya pa lang ng samahan ko siyang uminom at mag-usap...naalala ko na naman lahat ng nangyari sa amin ni Justin kanina.
Vincent is a type of brother who rarely talks to you. But when he did, he became the most comforting person you'll ever have.
Nandito siya para sa akin when no one else is. Alam na alam niya kung kailan ko kailangan ng karamay.
"I hate you." Nguso ko sa kanya habang pinipigilan ang luha na tumulo sa mga mata ko.
Tinawanan niya ako marahil para sa kanya, mukha na naman akong batang kawawa.
Inakbayan niya ako at ginulo ang buhok ko.
"I hate you too, cry baby." My older brother said and we walk upstairs to drink all our heavy feelings away.