josh's point of view
"wow, that good, huh?"
"it's just different when you love someone that deeply i guess. i've never felt this way before, you know?" i look up from my plate to see hayley looking at me with a soft smile.
"i do. i'm happy for you, j. tyler's great and i think you guys are great together." she smiles a little wider and then points her fork at me. "plus, he works at my favorite restaurant and man, i was craving some of this-" she stops mid sentence, her eyes going wide. "holy shit. joshua, i mean it, do not turn around."
of course, when she says it like that, i have to turn around.
"what do you-"
debby.
my head whips back around to face hayley and i feel myself begin to painc just a little. i don't want to see her. and i don't want her to see me.
hayley seems to read my mind, speaking quietly now. "i don't think she's seen us yet. just keep your head down. when tyler comes to check on us again, we can ask for to-go boxes and just get the hell outta dodge."
"oh my god. they're going to talk. he's going to take her order. i'm gonna throw up."
"hey, it's okay, seriously." she reaches across the table to take one of my hands in hers. "deep breaths. i'll keep an eye over there but it looks like she's doing a pickup anyway. she'll be gone in a minute."
we sit in a tense silence for a moment and i try (but fail) to think about literally anything else.
"he handed her the boxes. she's leaving." she squeezes my hand one more time and then lets go to take a sip of her water while i run a hand down my face.
"jesus."
just a moment later, tyler comes over and sits down next to me.
i rest my head on his shoulder and sigh, but i already feel a little better being close to him.
he wraps an arm around me and kisses the top of my head. it's a strange bit of role-reversal, but i don't mind it.
"hey, j. you alright?"
"he's having a crisis," hayley says.
"what about? is everything okay?" tyler asks, moving his hand up to play with my hair.
hayley looks to me to answer, but i stay quiet. i don't want to say her name.
hayley sighs. "so, the girl that just left with the boxes was, um... that was..." her voice trails off. she doesn't want to say it either.
"oh."
"yeah."
"i mean, i saw the name on the order, i guess i just didn't, um... i thought she went to study abroad or something?"
"she did."
"i don't know why she's back. i don't want to ever see her again. i'm going to hide in my apartment from here on out," i finally speak.
tyler kisses the top of my head again. "josh, it's gonna be okay. i'm sure she's just here for spring break or something. i doubt she's staying permanently," he says, doing his best to reassure me.
"i just checked her socials. apparently, she's only here for a funeral," hayley adds, putting her phone down.
"see? she won't be here long. you won't have to see her," tyler tells me.
i sit up and bury my face in my hands. "i'm sorry."
"for what, babe?" hayley asks.
"i don't know. freaking out?"
"you don't have to apologize for that." tyler rubs my back over my shirt and it doesn't seem so bad anymore.
"come over tonight?"
"i'll be there. do you guys want boxes?"
"yeah, if you don't mind. thank you, sweetheart." i finally move my hands to look at him, small smile on my face.
"thanks, ty," hayley thanks him as well.
"don't thank me. it's my job. i'll be right back," he says, standing to go get our boxes.
"see? it's gonna be fine. we can go back to your apartment and watch a movie. i'll stay with you till ty gets there and we can have a therapy sesh," hayley tells me.
"thank you, h. i appreciate it, really."
tyler comes back and sets the boxes on the table. "here. i'll try and get everything closed up as soon as possible, okay? i'll come over right after."
"i'll leave the door unlocked. i love you." i look up to him and he gives me a soft, sweet smile. i think everything i'll ever need is in those blushed cheeks and pink lips.
"i love you. i'll see you in a few hours," he says, squeezing my shoulder once and then walking away.
hayley scrapes her plate into a box, shaking her head. "dude, the way you're looking at him right now is disgusting. i'm begging you to exit the honeymoon phase immediately," she says, laughing a little at my current state.
"sorry." i sigh with content and put my food into my own box. "i just missed being with someone who actually cares about me, you know? debby had cheated on me multiple times and then up and left the fucking country on a whim. i was devastated for so long. i hated feeling that way. i don't want to feel that way ever again."
"i know, big guy. therapy time when we get home. promise."
the drive back is short and i flop down onto the couch as soon as we get there, my leftovers abandoned in the fridge.
"so," hayley starts. "let's unpack that reaction," she says, sitting in the arm chair with her food in her lap.
"i just felt so... caught off guard. it brought everything up so fast i felt nauseous. it was like seeing a ghost or something."
"what did it bring up so fast? what feelings?"
"i don't know. fear? embarrassment?"
"fear of what?" she presses.
"having to confront her, i guess."
"and why is that scary? you're both in relationships now. what power does she have left over you that would make you scared of her?"
"i'm not sure. i feel like i'm finally over the whole breakup and i've moved on. i'm happy and i don't want it to fall apart like that did. i don't want to let her get to me, but she already has apparently. i mean, you were there. i was miserable all summer."
"if you're letting that relationship bring worry into this one, are you really over it?"
"i think so. i guess maybe i just developed, like... trust issues? but i trust tyler," i try to answer her question, but i'm not quite sure how to articulate my feelings.
"fear and trust can be separate. you can trust him and still be scared."
"i guess."
"and why were you embarrassed?"
"i feel stupid for the way i reacted, and just for the fact that i stayed with her for so long. i feel... pathetic."
"you can't help gut reactions to things, especially not when the reaction is from anxiety. besides, no one was there except me, and i still don't think you're pathetic. leaving even when you want to, or know you should, is still harder than staying. there's nothing wrong with hoping or wanting to be loved or for things to work out."
"i mean, i know, but-"
"no, you don't. and thats okay. you're making progress. you're learning. you're happy now, you're in a relationship with someone you love and that loves you. you look at him like he carved each crater in the moon and he looks at you like no one else exists. you've talked about having a future together. this is big stuff, stuff you never had with her. things are already so different, i don't think there's any possibility of it ending the same way. like, at all."
"you're good at this."
"i'm sure my professors will love to hear that. now, what movie are we watching? because you know my vote is step brothers again."
"fine."
"it's a guaranteed laugh!"
"yeah, yeah, yeah. whatever."
-
tyler walks in right as the credits begin to roll.
"oh. i love this movie," he says, offering a small smile as he closes the door behind himself.
hayley looks at me with a very serious expression. "he has excellent taste, joshua. marry him."
"hey, ty." i ignore hailey and sit up, making room for tyler to sit next to me.
"hey, j. you feeling better?" he asks, taking my hand in his.
"i am, yeah."
"i therapized him," hayley adds, proud smile on her face.
"well, thank you. i appreciate that," he tells her. he looks back to me after, his voice soft. "i'm glad you're feeling alright now."
"i'm sorry about all that." i look down at our hands, still feeling slightly embarrassed by my reaction earlier.
"what are you apologizing for? i can't say i understand, because i've never been through that, but i still think your reaction and your feelings are valid."
"thank you, sweetheart." i squeeze and look up to see hayley standing up and stretching.
"alrighty. since my job here is done, i'm gonna head out. tyler, it was good to see you. josh, it was good to therapize you. i will see you both another time."
she blows us a kiss on her way out the door after we say our goodbyes, leaving me alone with tyler.
"so, do you want to talk about anything..?" he asks, hesitance in his voice but still no judgment.
"i think i'm okay. seeing her just reminds me of how i felt after it all went down. last summer was... terrible. but i didn't freak out because i still have feelings for her or anything, if you were worried about that. i wasn't-"
"i know," he interrupts me. "and you don't have to justify anything to me. i trust you. i trust that you would've told me if you were thinking anything like that," he says.
i'm glad we have a mutual trust, even though i (obviously) still get anxious now and then.
"of course, yeah. thank you. i'm sorry," i say again, mostly out of habit.
"josh." he shakes his head with a small smile. "stop thanking me. and stop apologizing. i'm glad youre okay. i love you."
"i love you more."
and there's that feeling again, that no one will ever make me feel as loved as this. no one will ever be as perfect for me as him.
"hayley asked that we get out of the honeymoon phase. she says we're gross," i tell him, changing the subject to something lighter."
"that's okay. she can say what she wants," he replies, his soft smile growing a little.
"do you wanna go shower and change or anything? i was hoping you would stay here. or, if you want, we could stay at yours. i want to sleep with you."
"again? i dunno, i have work tomorrow morning," he teases, cheeks pink at his own joke.
"nooo, i just want to cuddle with you. i mean, i want to do that again, too, eventually, but you know what i meant. if you have work in the morning though, i can stay there. if that's okay," i ramble a little, caught off guard by his words.
"i know. i'm just messing with you, j. of course it's okay. i do need a shower though, so i'm gonna go do that," he says, finally letting go of my hand to stand up.
"okay. let me like turn my lights off and change. i'll only be a minute if you want to go ahead."
he nods and leans down to give me a kiss, then leaves to get ready for his shower.
it doesn't take me long to get everything settled, and i make sure to lock my door before going to tyler's, locking his behind me as well.
i knock on the bathroom door even though it's not closed all the way. "just letting you know i'm here," i try to speak loud enough that he can hear me over the water.
the door opens enough for tyler to stick his head out. "j, do you want to shower with me? not, like, in a sexual way or anything, just... let me wash your hair for you? you always take care of me. i can take care of you tonight."
i wasn't expecting the offer, but i don't want to turn it down either.
"are you sure?"
"mhm. come on. the water should be warm by now." he opens the door all the way and his cheeks flush pink when he realizes he's got no clothes on while i'm fully dressed.
"i really am okay now, you know," i remind him, pulling my shirt off and leaving it on the bathroom counter.
"i know. but anxiety can still take a lot out of you sometimes, at least in my experience. let me do this for you," he says, his eyes staying on mine while i undress.
he steps in before me and then let's me stand under the water first. he grabs the shampoo and reaches up to wash my hair as he said he would. i bring my hands to his hips and watch his face, his expression focused.
"how are you so good at this?" i ask, completely captivated.
"washing hair? i mean, i have my own," he answers, laughing a little. "what do you mean?"
"i mean at being a boyfriend. being a partner. you're so... just, good. i don't deserve you."
he seems to think about this as he moves to rinse his hands, bringing them up again to cup my face this time. "i never had anyone to take care of me. i had to do it by myself and it's not a good feeling. everyone needs help sometimes. everyone needs to be taken care of now and then. being with you has taught me a lot, including how to let myself be taken care of and how i deserve that. you deserve it too."
i smile at that, leaning down to press my lips to his. he's perfect. he's everything. i don't know how to convey that to him, that he's all i could ever want or need and that no one else has or could ever make me feel this way.
"thank you, tyler. really."
he shakes his head. "stop thanking me. let me love you."
"fine, fine."
we finish showering and then lie down in his bed, one of my arms over his hips and one of his hands playing with my hair.
"i don't want the break to be over. it's so hard pretending i don't want to kiss you all the time," i say, my voice quiet so as not to disturb the peace in the room.
"i know. but there's not much longer until the year is over. we'll be okay."
and i believe him.
(an: this is also not /ominous i don't mean for it to come off that way pls this book is angst and fluff and smut only no fr drama)