Brie slammed her front door. Keke sat in the living room, watching TV, and lifted her head.
"Well, hello. And who's head are we pretending is that door?"
"Deon," spat Brie. She flopped herself into a chair. "Well, not him, but the whole situation."
"What situation?"
"Deon wants us to date."
"Me and him?!"
"No fool. Me and Deon."
"Yeah, ay?" Keke's eyes were glued to the TV.
"Yes."
"And what did you say?" She reached her hand into a nearby bag of nacho chips.
"I said I liked what we had and didn't want it to change."
"Hmm" Keke's voice was unchanged.
"Hmm? That's all you have to say?" Brie was irked that her cousin wasn't even watching her. "And before you respond, at least ack like you wanna talk to me, heifer!"
Keke rolled her eyes and turned to her cousin. "Ok, bitch. I said hmm because of course you'd say something so dumb. You've been crushing on Deon forever and now, homeboy actually wants to be with you? If it were just sex, he'd be out, but this negro is in our place all hours of the day and night. You got a beautiful, black man who is smart, kind, attentive, supporting your whole ass dreams. He and Marcus basically own a damn ranch! All that space and he coming here to spend time with you, for pussy? Nigga could have pussy delivered to the ranch. But he in love with your ass and you outchea like 'and ju don't know' like you some Cam'ron-having, Horse and Carriage muthafucka."
"Ok, Keke! Stop your foolishness, bout 'in love' with me."
"Uh, I said what I said. People fall when they fall. Some people fall in love in 2 days or 2 months. Some work out and some fall apart but they still felt the feeling. HE IN LOVE!"
Keke muttered to herself, "been fucking and talking and doing all the shit that couples do... annoying my damn nerves." She turned back to Brie. "Just because you scared of the feeling, doesn't make it any less real."
Brie cut her eye at her cousin. "I'm not scared of anything. It just doesn't feel right with Deon. It's the same feeling I had with Kevin. I have to trust my gut."
"Sometimes it's your gut and sometimes, it's just gas."
"Ok, Keke," Brie said sarcastically.
"Ugh," grunted Keke. "Foot bottom scum. I never liked that Kevin."
They stayed quiet, both looking at the TV.
"Do you really think I'm scared?" whispered Brie.
"I think that... you doubt yourself, Brie. A lot. You doubted if you made the right decision with foot bottom scum which obviously you did. Now, you're doubting if Deon is a good choice because you feel the same. They're both doubts, yes, but I don't think all doubt is the same so it shouldn't get the same response every time. When it does, when you give all your doubt the same response, that's fear. And don't get me wrong... I doubt myself too. But with you, it's crazy to me because you are so amazing, cuz. You don't even realize how capable you are. I just wish you could let go of that fear. Ever since Aunt Lisa passed..."
Brie felt a low buzz in her forehead that slowly drowned out Keke's words. She cleared her throat.
"Ok cuz. I hear what you're saying but I am fine. I'm fine. And the more I think about this, the more I think Deon and I just need some space. Like you said, we've been together nonstop so maybe a few days of not having any will help him come around. I mean seriously, I shouldn't stress over something that just happened. I'll give him some time."
"Sure. Ignore my advice and do that. Makes more sense." Keke's words were laced with sarcasm.
"Good talk, cuz. I'm going to shower, wash this negative energy off me and then let's have a movie night. Unless you got someone sliding thru soon."
"Bitch, please! You don't see this onesie or these janky braids? I am in." Keke brought a nacho chip up to her mouth. "And I have just the theme. 'Woman who let their fear keep them from true love'."
"Oh, so any one of your favourite Tyler Perry soap operas?"
Keke squealed. "Bitch, are you caught up on 'Sistas'? Hurry up and go bathe. I'm queuing the last episode."
Brie entered the bathroom and shut the door. Soon, she was turning her face to the stream of the shower head. She closed her eyes and stood there a few moments, willing her headache to go away. She hated how her body reacted when people mentioned her mom. They were right in thinking that it still affected her. Brie would never get over losing her mother. She had woken up that day in colour and by the time she got the call, it drained into gray forever. She never wanted to feel that level of pain ever again. She did have feelings for Deon. If she was honest with herself, they were more intense than whatever she had felt for Kevin, and their relationship had been longer than her and Deon's months-capade. But falling harder for someone always meant losing more if it fell apart. And Brie wasn't going to gamble her emotions on the possibility that things could fall apart with Deon.
"You plan on watching from the shower?" Keke's voice, and her pounding fist, floated through the closed bathroom door.
"Ok! I'm coming." Brie pushed the thoughts out of her mind and washed her skin. Forty minutes later, she and Keke were sprawled on the living room couches, cussing at the TV.
"I don't know why I let you drag me into these foolish shows!"
"Because the more you watch, the more you feel better about your life," replied Keke. She reached her hand out for her drink.
Brie smiled in agreement. The couch under her vibrated. She felt around for her phone, sandwiched near her arm. She glanced at the screen and saw a photo of her father sticking his tongue out.
"Hi, Sando."
"Brie, my brie baby." Her dad's booming voice filled her ear. "How you going?"
"I'm good. How's my favourite man?"
"I doing good, although your uncle owes me $40 from poker last night and he ain't pay up yet."
"Won't you see him at the next weekly poker game?"
"Yeah. But if he think he walking up in here without my money, he in for a shock."
"Did you trouble me just to talk about Uncle Henry?"
"No. I wanted to know about our plans tomorrow."
"We don't have any plans tomorrow, daddy."
"Oh. I thought we did."
"No. I'm working tomorrow." The hairs on Brie's neck stood up in concern. "Is everything ok? Because if you need me..."
"Chile, no. I thought we had plans and I call to find out. That's all. I must've been thinking of something else."
"Yeah, maybe."
They exchanged some more small talk before her father hung up the phone.
"Was that my favourite uncle?"
"Yes, it was."
"What he want?"
"Oh nothing. Just to annoy my spirit."
Brie wedged her phone back into the couch cushion and turned back to the show. But her mind was still on her father. It was odd of him to call about plans he couldn't remember. Sando wasn't a forgetful person and he never admitted to forgetting when he did. She felt bad now, blowing off her brother and his concerns. Maybe this is serious. She made mental notes to talk to Marcus and pay closer attention to her dad.
*****
Brie opened the door to her parents' house, a smile pasted on her face. The home's familiar smells catapulted Brie's heart into her ribs. She took several breaths to calm herself. When Brie came home, she felt her mother's presence the most. It wrapped around her limbs, constricting her. She closed the door at the same time that her nephew came barrelling around a corner. He went into hyper overdrive when he saw that the new arrival was his aunt.
"Auntie B! It's my birthday! I'm...I'm—"
Isaiah looked down at his fingers to count his age. She could hear him silently reciting the numbers. He raised a digit each time. 1... 2... 3... 4... His eyes flashed with pride when he arrived at the right number.
"I'm SIX, Auntie B!" He grinned a gap-tooth smile and bounced with excitement.
Brie crouched down to his eye level to catch him in a hug. "You sure are six today!" Mom would've loved this, seeing her grandson grow up. She closed her eyes as she rocked him back and forth.
"Ugh, Auntie? Too tight!" Isaiah wriggled out of her arms.
Brie let go, grinning at him. "Sorry, Zay. Your auntie just missed her favourite nephew. Like a lot. A lot a lot."
Isaiah giggled at his aunt's words. "I missed you too, Auntie B. Mummy said she hadn't seent you in FUREVER and Daddy said—"
"—that you need to stop talking grown people business, Isaiah."
Marcus entered the room, finishing his son's thought. His voice sounded gruff and stern but, in his eyes, shone nothing but love for his boy. Brie straightened to meet her brother's gaze.
"Hi, Marcus."
"Hi, Brie."
Marcus was holding an almost-empty glass and tapped his fingers on its underside. He crouched down to Isaiah. Brie and Marcus had been taught by their parents that children deserved to feel as important as any member of the family. They all instilled that same belief with Isaiah, always talking to him on his level.
"You ready to open your presents?"
"YEA, DADDY! YEA YEA YEA!"
Isaiah hopped about, laughing when Brie joined in.
"Alright. Go tell your mama your Auntie B's here." Marcus straightened and placed his hand affectionately on his son's head.
"OK, Daddy. C'mon, Auntie B!"
Isaiah sped off to give his mom the news. Brie watched her nephew's departure but didn't move.
"Can we talk?"
Marcus took a sip of his drink. "Sure. Everything ok?"
"Yeah. But I'm starting to think you were right about Sando."
Marcus looked at her intently as Brie described the conversation she'd had with their father.
"The other day I stopped by to take him to the doctor and he threw a fit about me showing up. He put the deadbolt on, refused to let me inside the house."
"Well," said Brie, "we need to get him checked out. If he doesn't want to go, we'll drag him."
"Agreed, sis. How about Saturday?"
Brie looked at her brother like he had a third eye. "We can't do it Saturday."
"Why not?"
"It's mom's anniversary."
"I know. But hear me out. It may be the only day that he'll get how worried we are and maybe take going to the doctor seriously."
"No. We are not using the anniversary of our mother's death to guilt trip our father. That day should be spend only honouring her."
Brie's body trembled with fury. Marcus noticed the anger and, worried, he treaded as lightly as he could with his next words.
"Brie, of course we'll honour mom. I just meant he may hear us clearer..."
"I don't care. Not that day."
Brie turned away angrily, ending the conversation. Marcus knew Brie was still dealing with her grief, but the rage he saw in her surprised him. He reached his arm out to stop her departure.
"Wait. Brie, c'mon... stop please. And talk to me. I mean... I'm here. If anyone gets it, you know I do."
"No. You don't."
"How can you say that? To me? She was my mom too," he whispered.
"I know that," Brie responded, exasperated.
"So why say I don't get it?"
"You weren't there, Marcus."
For a brief second, Brie let her mask slip. Marcus saw intense sorrow etched across his sister's face.
"She was feeling pain and I went home. I went home, Marcus. I never offered to take mom to the hospital or urgent care. No, I let her shoo me out the house."
Marcus never felt such pain for his sister. He tried to hug her, but she motioned for him to stay away.
"She had to be found alone, in the bathroom. I let her die in pain."
"Brie. That wasn't your fault."
He watched his sister pull her mask back on. Soon, a bright smile reappeared on her face.
"Forget it. And this isn't the time or place. This is 'Zay's day."
"Brie."
"I'm gonna drop this gift off and find Sando."
Marcus stood there speechless, even after Brie opened the door and walked through to the yard. He could hear people happily calling her name and her voice doling out greetings and salutations. His heart hurt for his sister. Under all her smiles, she blamed herself for something she couldn't control. And she won't let me help her.
"Help me help her, Mom."
Mentally sighing, he looked up to the ceiling, desperately hoping his silent plea reached his mom.
*****
Brie scanned the backyard crowd of children and family. To quiet her mind, she focused on the turn out. Isaiah had wanted a cookout with his whole family for his birthday. And when Marcus told her it was gonna be at the family house, she thought of cancelling. But looking into the eyes of her nephew whose world was simple and pure and saying his Auntie B was avoiding a ghost was selfish. Brie knew she'd do anything for that boy, even deal with her mother's ghost. She just hoped she could get through the day for Isaiah's sake.
She spotted her father over by the dominos table, his mouth moving in disdain. Sando must've sensed his daughter's eyes on him because he searched the crowd and lit up when he saw Brie's face. He waved her over. As she got closer, Brie could hear the loud slam of a domino hitting the table.
"HA! You see that, Mike?!"
Sando puffed out his chest like a peacock. When Brie appeared beside him, he exclaimed in a heavy Trinidadian accent, "Whey papayo! Watch my daughter Brie. All you ain't know I's a good luck maker? Watch she good!"
Brie tried to lean down and kiss her father's cheek, but he was bouncing around like a two-stepping player in the end zone. The other men around the table grumbled and griped their losses. Sando paid them no mind, boasting, and carrying on. She leaned down to whisper in Sando's ear.
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure."
"Wait. Where you going?," said her uncle Mike when Sando stood to leave his seat.
"Mind your own! I have to talk to Brie about something for my grandson's party."
"You should talk about these Dollar Store plastic plates."
The table erupted into laughter. As Sando and Brie took a few steps away, the players were all giving commentary on what Sando should've spent his money on for the party.
"How you doing?"
"I good. I good. How you going?"
Brie opened her mouth to say the lie that she was okay, but it got caught in her throat. Without thinking, she said, "Not so good, Daddy."
"Oh ok. Good. Good."
Brie looked at her father. His eyes were looking off in the distance. She followed his gaze, and, besides her brother, she didn't see anything in Sando's eye line to warrant his silence. She waved her hand in front of Sando's eyes. He snapped back, blinking.
"Huh?"
"What happened, Sando? Where did you go?"
"Uh nothing. Nowhere! I mean, nowhere. Nothing means... nothing."
Brie anxiously stood there, trying not to let her face show how worried she was.
"Brie," shouted uncle Mike, "you my niece but you and your father is two leaf from the same bush. Allyuh done yet? I trying and win back my money tonight!"
Brie couldn't help but laugh, even with her anxiety spinning scenarios of what was happening to her father for whatever. She feigned hurt and, with a "hmph I'm gone", she walked off. She looked back at her dad who looked better than before but still seemed distracted. She wondered how long this party was because she and Marcus driving their father to emergency afterwards was a possibility.
Brie saw Isaiah listening to a squatting Deon. Whatever he said to the boy made his chest expand, and he beamed from ear to ear. Isaiah hugged Deon with such force that the two nearly toppled over. She watched Deon laugh and tighten the loving bear hug. He stood, then Isaiah ran off.
Brie'seyes welled up from watching the two. Deon took his godfather role seriously,which was an admirable quality. It was beautiful seeing a young, black boy socherished by a black man. Isaiah was fortunate to have such a great uncle inhis life. Jesus, I barely been here an hour and I'm ready to cry over Deon?She peeked a glance up at the sky. Ok, mom, she thought sarcastically, Iget the hint. Only her mom would have her thinking of Deon and "admirable"qualities, even from beyond. I need to relax. Brie went searching forthe designated "adult" area.