Mahri's POV:
I didn't stop running or pulling his hand until we were at the restaurant's front door. Quickly, I spun around to face him and kissed him on the cheek, glancing over his shoulder.
"Is that it," I asked, pointing at a tall building, "The hotel you were hiding out in?"
"Yes. Third floor. It should have been one of the emptiest nights of my life, but the thought of you gave me comfort. I imagined what it would be like for us to be here and as I watched couples come and go, I wondered what kind of couple we would be. I sat in that hotel room and imagined you in my arms like we are now. I wondered what you would feel like, what you would smell like, what your lips would taste like." He pauses and kisses my cheek, and a shy smile brushes his lips. "The reality of you is greater than any reality I could imagine. Most people never get the chance to see their dreams fulfilled. I do not take it for granted that you are the fulfillment of mine. There is no way I can deserve this love or life I see for us." He hangs his head low. His smile still holds a little sadness at the memory of who he was and the shame that bears. He shouldn't feel shameful. He is wonderful, incredible. His love for me is overwhelming.
"That night," I begin as I lift his head to meet my eyes, "...was the first night I held out hope that I would meet you someday. Before that, I was afraid that what I felt was unrealistic and that you never gave me much thought. I haven't really had the best of luck in relationships and I never felt like someone understood me before you. I never felt like I deserved any good thing, really. You were the best thing I could think of. That night, I dreamed. I thought about what we would be like as a couple, as partners, as lovers. I imagined the happiness and peace that would accompany being by your side and yet, the reality is so, so much better. You say that you are undeserving, but you have no idea how undeserving I am. You have no idea how wonderful you are. I can't believe that you are here, that we are.."
He interrupts my thoughts with a kiss. This one is passionate and unrelenting. I grab his collar and pull his body close to mine. He searches for my waist and pulls me even closer until there is no space between us. We are frantic, arms moving fast and all over each other's bodies. This is not a romantic moment. This kiss is uncontrolled, sloppy, and electric.
Suddenly, car lights flash on us. We pull apart. Half of me is embarrassed and the other half has no shame and is a little disappointed that he pulled away. Jake is flustered, however. His hands are on my hips, but our bodies are no longer touching, He is breathing deeply, his eyes dark and still locked on mine
"I'm sorry, I..." he begins, I put my finger on his mouth to stop him.
"There is nothing to apologize for." I let him know, rubbing my hand along his cheek. I turn to look one more time at the third floor of the hotel across the street, glad that we got to meet and have this moment.
"Shall we?" he says and opens the door of the restaurant for me. I link my arms through his.
The restaurant is oddly empty but overtly beautiful. Asian lamps and cherry blossoms make the building both inviting and intimate. There is no one inside. That was strange for a Friday.
"Hello, I assume that you are Mr. Muller. We are ready for you." The waiter starts to lead us to a table in the back.
We are directed to a table with one booth, the bench facing the window. Candles and lamps are lit outside and a giant garden and koi pond are open to view. It is simply breathtaking.
"I hope everything is to your specifications?" The waiter asks.
"Absolutely. Thank you so much," Jake responds as we get settled in the booth.
"I never would have expected all of this, it is beautiful and cozy and romantic, but why are there no people in here?"
"I didn't expect this place to be such a perfectly private spot until I walked inside to pick up my order one night. As soon as I saw it, I knew this is where our first date must be. I have imagined it so many times. There are no people here because I rented the restaurant for the night. It is just for us. I am still getting used to a world in which I am free to be out in the open. I want no distractions, so we can do this..." He kisses me full on the lips, his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. At once, he pulls away to let me catch my breath. "...though that might be a dangerous notion considering our earlier behavior." He smiles.
I snuggle close to him and he reaches down to hold my hand, our fingers instantly entwining and his thumb running circles on the back of my hand.
"I thought you knew that you already wooed me? You don't have to work so hard to impress me," I speak, trying to lighten the moment. Something in this room is heavy. Everything between us is almost too much, almost too perfect. I can see my future and a love that I am not sure I can accept.
"I don't know if I will ever believe that. I don't think I can ever do enough to show you the feelings of my heart," he says. "If it makes you feel any better, I am fully enjoying this moment as well. It is one that I needed to have with you. I need you to know that no matter how beautiful a place we are in, no matter how perfect the moment, no matter what is happening in the world around us, you will always be my dream, my forever, my perfect fit."
I can feel my chest tightening, with love, with hope, with something else. I can see myself with him forever. I know this love is real and I know he will care for me in any situation. He has no idea what he is getting himself into. I am difficult, I push people away when things get hard or scary. I speak before I think. I yell before I reason. I am afraid to be loved by someone. I am afraid of so many things involving my heart. I don't trust it to love someone properly. After all that he has been through, he deserves only the utmost love.
I lay my head on his shoulder. We eat and chat and kiss. We kiss and we stare at each other. I am desperately trying to memorize the curves of his face and the dimple that lands on his cheek when I amuse him. I want to log this moment into my memory bank. We are both attempting to learn the contours of each other's faces and bodies. l look out of the window, the lights dance in the glass, glimmering on the koi pond. The staff, while they are very attentive, give us our privacy. I feel as though we are the only two people in the world and truthfully, that is all that I need. But am I ready for it, for this...perfectly perfect life with this perfectly amazing man?
His hand, now resting on my thigh, is tapping on my leg, his energy growing.
He is sitting impossibly close and leans into my ear. He whispers, "You are the culmination of all of the things that I have ever hoped for." He lifts my chin so our eyes meet and he kisses me deeply, tenderly. In this one kiss, I understand the depth of his feeling and the strength of his love.
I try to catch my breath. Am I ready for this? Am I ready for my forever? Is he, really? Will he get to know me more and figure out all of the things that I lack? I don't think I can lose him and if we keep having moments like this, I don't think that I have the strength to walk away or to be walked away from.
His lips move slowly from my mouth to my neck, finding the sweet spot that makes my knees go weak. I feel feverish, heat from that spot moves through my entire body. I have no control over this man and what he does to me, I have no control over my own body or over these feelings. I can't control myself, can't say no to him. I don't want to.
I breathe out and reluctantly pull away.
"You are incredible," I tell him gently.
"You are the one that is incredible. I will never match you." He states, staring into my eyes as his hands roam my back.
Why does he say these things? Does he have any idea how amazing he is? Does he have any idea how not incredible I am?
He is leaning in for another kiss, but I can't handle this right now. There is too much going on in my brain and in my heart.
"Is everything ok?" He asks, almost panicked.
"I'm fine." It isn't exactly a lie. "There is a lot going on in my mind. " I'm just ...this night has been one of the best of my life. "
"Mine too," he says and squeezes my knee. His eyes are locked onto mine. I smile slowly.
We sit there for a few more minutes. I quietly stare out the window, trying to make sense of all of the things in my head. He allows me this time and then scans my face. I don't know if he can sense my stress.
"Excuse me for a moment?" He says.
"Of course." I watch him approach the staff, settling the bill. I put my coat on and I feel a piece of paper in my pocket. It was the note from Jake earlier, the one he had left on the counter. I hadn't taken the time to read it before.
M--
These are not my words, but they speak of my heart.
"There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt: swimming in the ocean while it rains, reading alone in empty libraries, the sea of stars that appear when you are miles away from the neon lights of the city, bars after 2 am, walking in the wilderness, all the phases of the moon, the things we know about the universe, and you." --Beau Taplin
Thank you for being the most breathtaking thing in my world. You surpass any of the other wonders that have been created.
-- J
Jake was headed back toward me with a smile that is broad and bold. I crumple the note back into my pocket. He walks toward me with a swagger filled with a confidence I had never expected.
How can he believe that everything is just going to be fine? I want to believe it all, that we can live in a happy place, and defy all odds and push back against whatever pressure comes our way, but life gets ugly and I have never had anything really stick around when times get rough. I want his faith, his optimism, and his general idea that the fates have brought us together.
Do I believe in fate? Do I believe in a perfect match? I didn't before. I am not sure I will. I am not sure that I don't. But when he gets near me and he puts his hand on my back and I feel my stomach do such delightful things, I have a hard time remembering all of the questions rolling around in my mind. That is the most terrifying thing. It is the most terrifying thing to think that logic can fly out the window. How does one live a life like that?
He kisses my shoulder from behind, the magic of this place, this night, coming to an end.
"You ready?" He asks in a whisper.
I nod. We head to the car, the sky twinkles an invitation to dream a little longer.
I grab his arm and stop him, "Thank you for all of this. It is more than anyone has done for me, it is one of the best moments I will ever have." I reach for his hand. He grabs it and kisses my palm.
"It was selfish on my part if I'm honest. Seeing how beautiful you look, watching the light flicker in your eyes during dinner, and getting to sit so close to you without fear was a treasure. Kissing you, kissing you, is, well, I can't get enough of your kisses. He runs his finger across my lower lip and places a soft kiss there. Tonight won't be the last date, adventure, or evening that we share. I am betting on a lifetime of magical moments such as we had tonight."
He places another sweet kiss on my lips and then opens the car door for me. Ever the gentleman, he makes sure my dress is satisfactorily tucked inside the car before he closes it and gets in on the other side. His words are laced with a promise. A promise of shared memories and of a shared life. I know that I love him. Those words aren't a lie. I have never loved or been loved like this before. I don't know if I can give him what he wants, but I don't know if I can live without him when things eventually go wrong. They always go wrong. These last few days have been incredible, but they can't last. He makes me feel more and want to be more. He thinks I am wonderful. I don't live up to his image of me. I will disappoint him, and like all of the other men in my life, he will walk away.
"We still have a long drive, do you want to get coffee or go straight home?" he says while starting the car.
I am in my brain and don't hear his question.
"Mahri...are you ok? I asked if you wanted coffee and you didn't respond. This concerns me." He smirks.
I look at him quickly and then look away. "I don't need coffee. I just want to go home. This has been a lovely night, the loveliest, but I am tired. I also think I should go to my apartment instead of the cabin." I know this is abrupt after such an amazing night from such a thoughtful and generous man, but I can't stop thinking about all the things that can go wrong and how devastating it will be when it does. For all of his belief in the happiest of futures, I carry all of the realities of pain and heartbreak.
He looks, sad, confused, and a little worried. "Sure, love..." that word stings a little right now, "...whatever you want. I have no expectations of you, but did I do something wrong? I thought we were having a nice evening."
"We were, we are, you did nothing wrong. You are the perfect gentleman and gave me the most... just the best night of my life, but...I just have a lot of things...I can't put words to my thoughts... I.."
He grabs my hand and holds it tightly. "You know you can tell me anything? Do you not trust me?"
"I do trust you, implicitly. I just.. I just.." I lower my eyes, tears forming in the corners of them, I am not going to let them fall.
See, this is what I am talking about. I always screw things up. I never have the right words and now I have made Jake upset. We haven't even been together for a week and I have...
He interrupts my thoughts, his jaw is clenched, but his hand is still holding mine, his finger still running circles on the back of my hand. "Mahri," he says firmly. "I want to know everything about you. I need to know what changed in the last hour. We need to work through this together." His jaw is still tight. "I can't lose you. Please talk to me." His voice is a little dominant, a little demanding, and a little pleading but somehow it is still kind, still gentle. Damn him. He is even more appealing at this moment.
Then I look into his eyes and they are full of sadness, fear, and a little fire. The fact that I have shut down has hurt him. I can't stand knowing this and am trying to stop, but years of self-preservation keeps sending doubts to my weary brain. We are surely doomed and it is my fault. It is always my fault. I think too much.
"Baby," he says trying to soften his voice. It still has an edge. "Tell me now, what is going on?"
"I can't." I put my head down and shake it.
"You can't or you won't?" There's the anger. I knew it was in there. I knew this was all too good to be true.
"I can't. Listen, I know none of this makes sense to you. It has been wonderful, this time with you, but I just can't do this..."
He pulls the car over quickly. It swerves into the gravel and screeches to a stop. He grabs both of my hands and then my cheeks, wiping away the tears, his anger replaced by panic and love.
"You can't do what?"
"This. All of this." I say frantically moving my hands around trying to help him understand. "It's too..."
"NO!" He says. "You will not walk away from me, from this. It is not acceptable." He shakes his head and runs his hands furiously through his hair, "I love you! You love me, at least I thought you did."
"That's just it, I do love you, so much. This is too much. It's only a matter of time before things turn bad and we hurt each other. I don't know what I will do when...Look, I don't have the words to explain this all to you. Can you just take me home?" I ask pointedly.
His eyes are full of tears. I try to brush them away, but he won't allow it. He pushes my hand away, turns in the car seat, and heads back out onto the highway. He doesn't speak for a long time. When he does his words are short and staccato. "I. Am. Just. Supposed. To take you .home. And. Wash away. All of. the Feelings. I have? I'm just supposed. To give up? On us? On you? You are just. done. loving me?"
Truth be told, everyone that I have loved has given up on me. I have never been worth hard work or a shoulder to cry on. I certainly am not worth him. I don't answer him and he doesn't ask any more questions. I put my address into his phone and he drives, staring straight ahead, his jaw tightening and loosening and then tightening again. There is no hand-holding. No touching. No sweet glances or cheeky remarks. The car is cold, and my body shivers. Good. I think to myself. I ended it before we were hurt worse and before I reached the point from which I would be unable to recover.
We make it back to my place, a long and draining drive. Joy has left his eyes and it is my fault. I have hurt both of us, but this is better in the long run. The car stops and I begin to open the door.
"Stay right there," he says firmly, it is the first I have heard him speak for at least half an hour. Then turns back, "Please." He looks into my eyes and tries to find my heart, but I turn away. Walking around the car, he opens the door for me. Why is he still so nice? Why does he have to make this so, so hard?
He walks me to the door. Rather, he walks behind me to my door. Still no touching, still no looking. Still my fault.
He waits until I have gone inside and locked the door before turning toward the car. I watch him walk down my driveway, get into his car and drive away. He never looks back, but the confidence that he wore earlier is completely gone. I have destroyed it.
I turn from the window only when I can no longer see his car. What have I done? I, at once, feel all of the loss and all of the loneliness. I watch the color leave my life. The dam bursts. I cry oceans for the love I have just thrown away. I cry for the heart I have broken. I cry for how cold my world is without him, how I just want his arms around me telling me it will be all right, reminding me that he loves me. I miss him already. This is why I can't do life with him. If it hurts this much after such a short time together, I won't survive a breakup later.
An hour passes and I pull myself off of the couch. I have no right to be sad. This is my fault after all.
I find the note Jake has written me on the floor. I pick it up and place it in the box of my most valued possessions. I can't look at it now, but knowing it exists, knowing that for one moment someone felt that way about me, means more than all of the treasures in all of the universes.
I hear my phone buzz. It is a message from Jake:
It is too cold here without you. It is too empty in this place in my heart without you. You can ask me to do anything except stop loving you. You are all that my heart wants or needs.
I still have hope for us.
Goodnight, my love.
With that, my knees buckle and I drop to the floor, the tears return. This time, I'm afraid they will never stop.