Harry
Nadine and I have our backs rested against the edge of my bed, our knees pulled up to our chest as we sit next to each other. I'm clutching my legs together but she's holding a pregnancy test that reads two positive bars and shows that's she's seven weeks pregnant. I can't stop staring at it. It's ruined my life. That tiny stick that she's holding has ruined my life. I can feel myself beginning to shake. With anger, with hatred, I'm not sure. I'm not sure what I feel at the moment. All I know is that I'm confused.
"But we...we used protection." I remind her, giving her a baffled look.
"I know, but they can break." She shrugs and I frown.
"Did you not think of using those birth pills?"
Nadine gives me a stunned, offended look. "Harry, do you know how many side effects those things have?! Besides, I didn't think I'd need to use them. We were safe in the first place anyway," she reasons and I groan, burying my face in my hands. This just can't be happening. Not now, not with everything going. Not with Louis still in the picture.
Nadine presses her hand against my arm and says, "I'm not asking anything from you. You can be as involved as you want. I can move back to my parents if you want me too."
___
I stare at the ultrasound picture Nadine has sent me. It's from last month and her next scan is due soon, that's why she sent me this one. This next scan isn't just any other scan. It's the day we find out whether we're having a boy or a girl and I know Nadine wants to know for sure what she's having. But I'm not ready. Heck, I'm not even ready to be a dad. I'm not that kind of person. I don't want a family. I don't even want a girlfriend. Loving Nadine should've never have happened. It was a mistake.
What kind of dad would I be anyway? I'm a bad influence, not a good role model at all. My kid won't be able to celebrate Father's Day because I'll never be there. I won't be able to see my baby's first steps. I won't be able to hear their first words. Because I'll be working. For the rest of my life, I'll be working, fighting, killing. My unborn child will have a criminal as a father. I can't live with myself for that.
I hold the scan picture between my fingertips and I sit in the exam same spot, the exact same position as I did when Nadine told me she was pregnant. I suppose it's a bit of déjà vu. The door is pushed open and I'm interrupted of my thoughts and Louis stands in the doorway. He's back from Doncaster, looking as good as always.
"I was gonna order some pizza, do you want some?" He offers and I shake my head. He pauses when he's about to leave.
"Are you okay, Harry? You're shaking." He states and I sigh and pull myself up from the floor.
"I'm going out, don't wait up on me." I instruct him and he nods hesitantly, watching me leave.
I drive to Cassandra's home and park outside. I enter the house and make my way to the basement. There's nobody there. Biting my lip, I head up to Cassandra's office and ask her to hire somebody. She immediately obeys and I go back to waiting on the sofa in the basement.
About forty five minutes later, I'm greeted by what looks like a male model for Hollister. He's dressed in white Calvin Klein briefs, his large hands palming his bulge lightly. He's tanned. Beautiful, sun-kissed golden skin. He's buff and muscular and he has light, feathery brown hair and matching chocolate brown eyes. His lips are a plump pink and his jaws are chiseled into perfection.
"Lie down on the bed." He instructs huskily. Oh, he's Australian. Even better. I do as I'm told lie in the center of the four poster bed, watching him stroll over as he closes the door.
"Remove all your clothes except from your boxers." He instructs and again, I obey.
"Touch yourself." He demands. I reach down to palm myself in my boxers and I groan a little, staring at the red sofa where Niall sit yesterday. I stare at it, thinking how lost and confused he looked as he sat and I thought he was gonna do a runner the minute he saw the room. I think about what I did to him with the ice cube and I groan a little again, resting my head on the mattress. The boy turns round to look at the couch, wondering what I was thinking about.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks and I stare at him, mouth open.
"What are you thinking about?" He repeats, this time a little more demanding.
"N-Niall." I admit with a stutter and I feel a hand swipe across my check. I groan and grimace and look back up at him.
"Forget about him." He replies and I sigh, throwing my head back onto the mattress. This is gonna be a long night.
--
I pace the length of the kitchen floor, my phone in my hand. I'm debating whether to call Nadine or not. Today is the day I find out. Today is the day I find out whether I'm having a boy or a girl. In all honesty, it doesn't seem to matter to me. Because I don't want it. I don't want that thing she's carrying inside her.
She wants me to go with her. I don't want to go but I know that I should.
I end up dialing her number and it takes a few rings for her to pick up.
"Hi, Harry."
"I'll come with you, Nadine. To the appointment." I assure her. I can tell that she's almost beaming at the other side of the line.
"Really? You have no idea how much that means to me."
"I'll pick you up in half an hour." I tell her and end the call. I know it was a bit short and blunt but she needs to get the message. I need to let her know that I'm not always going to be there for her.
I pick her up as decided and take her to the hospital. We're told to wait a few minutes in the maternity patient area where we were met by an awkward silence. There's one or two pregnant couples sitting nearby but they look a lot more happy than we do. I watch a husband talk his wife's belly, cooing fondly as if it's the most precious thing in the world and I can't help but grimace. I sigh and look down at my feet, my hands clasped in my lap.
"So what made you come?" Nadine asks curiously, peering at me.
"It just seemed like the right thing to do." I shrug in reply. Nadine leans back against the plump chair and doesn't say anything after that.
"Nadine Leopold?" A nurse calls and we're up off our seats in seconds. We follow the nurse into the ultrasound room where a curtain is halfway pulled around an examination bed, an sonogram machine sitting next to it.
"Okay, Miss Leopold. If you don't mind lying down on the bed and hiking your top up and inch, we can get started." The nurse instructs and Nadine obliges. I sit down next to her and sonogram screen loads up a fuzzy, black and gray image as the nurse squirts some gel onto Nadine's belly. Nadine was showing, but only by a little bit. The bump was protract over the waist -band of her jeans.
A funny shape started to form on the screen, developing as the shape of a fetus. A head, chest, stomach, hands...toes. I immediately look down, turning my gaze away. I clasp my hands under my chin and press my elbows on the edge of the bed.
"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?" The nurse asks.
"Harry?" Nadine calls and I look up at her. In return, she's giving me a hopeful expression.
"It's up to you." I mumble back and look back down. I can tell she's giving me a look of annoyance and disappointment but I don't care.
"Yes, please." Nadine confirms politely.
There's a short pause before the nurse answers, "You're having a girl." And at that, my eyes shoot upwards. This time, I'm staring at the screen. But I'm still feeling nothing. Nothing but sheer hollowness and spite. How could I dislike something so much that hadn't even been born yet? How could I be so heartless and cold to my - my daughter?
The nurse senses the tension and says, "I'll give you two a moment." And she excuses herself. Nadine and I are left in silence. Again.
"That's your little girl, Harry." She says softly, reaching out for my hand but I pull away.
"I can see that." I reply shortly. She lets out a huff of disapproval.
"Look, if you wanna go just leave. You clearly have somewhere else you wanna be." She remarks and I look up, frowning at her.
"What makes you say that?" I muster.
"You have that look in your eyes."
"What look?"
"Every time you think about someone you care about - or Niall, in this case - you have this particular look. Like a glint in your eyes." She explains and my lips press into a hard line.
"I don't care about blondie." I say defensively and she laughs a little.
"It's okay, Harry. Denial is the first stage to admitting that you do actually care about him." She assures me and I scowl at her.
"You can go. I'll be fine on my own." She reassures me. I smile thankfully at her and head peck her lightly on the cheek before heading outside. Despite what Nadine had just told me, Blondie is the first person I go to. I hesitate a little before I chap his door. I can hear laughing and music coming from the other side of it and it's Zayn who answers. His jaw clenches at the sight of me and he recoils, shying away as he clutches to the door.
"Is he in?" I ask as he knows exactly who I'm talking about.
He steps aside and gestures for me to enter. I do as he says and I find Niall and Liam wrestling and play fighting on the sofa. My eyebrows knot together as I stare at them and when Zayn clears their throat, they pull away from each other. Niall's eyes widen at the sight of me as he tries to compose himself, smoothing down his crumpled clothes. Liam looks smug as he sits on the eve of the sofa, one leg crossed over the other as he stares at his best friend.
"Sorry, Liam bet me in a game of FIFA. That was payback." Niall admits sheepishly and I smirk a little.
"Why are you here?" He asks politely, stepping out of the living room and away from Liam.
"Uh...I need to talk to you." I breath. He nods knowingly and we both head into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He sits at the edge of his bed and pats at the empty space next to him. I chuckle weakly at his gesture and go sit next to him.
"What's up?"
"I'm, uh..." I clear my throat before saying it, "I'm having a girl."
As I thought he'd do, his whole face brightened up and he was beaming. "That's great! Congrat-" I press my finger to his lips, in order to shush him. He gives me a puzzled look, his lips tightened together and I pull my finger back.
"Don't. I don't want any of that." I shake my head, letting out a deep sigh.
He relaxes a little, his eyes softening.
"What do you want, then?" He quizzes and I bite my lip hesitantly.
"Do you mind if I stay here for a couple of days? I don't really wanna be alone right now." I confess and his eyes widen again.
"I thought being alone was your comfort zone." He teases and I laugh a little.
"Just with everything going with Nadine and Louis and Cassandra right now...I don't wanna be alone." I state and he gives me a sympathetic look.
"What about Louis? Don't you and him share a place together?"
"I think he's trying to give me the silent treatment since I made him go to Nadine's...he only talks to me if he really has too." I explain.
"Oh," he says, then adds, "He'll get over it." And I nod in agreement.
"I know."
"Can I ask you a favor?" I ask hesitantly and he nods slowly.
"I want you to help me...y'know, get over this. I want you to help me...feel." I confess and his eyebrows knot together.
"You've never felt anything? At all?"
"The last thing I remember feeling is pain because of what I did to Nadine. I realized I didn't wanna feel anything like that again." I acknowledge and he sighs.
"So it's kind of like turning off your humanity switch." he reasons and I nod in agreement.
"So, I guess what I'm trying to ask is - how does this whole boyfriend thing work out? I've not dated another guy since Louis." I smirk and he rolls his eyes.
"Well, for starters, you could at least remember to learn my own name." he teases and I snigger.
"Right...Neil - is it?" I tease, pretending to look confused and he laughs.
"It's Niall." He confirms and we both laugh.
"Right, Niall." I nod and he beams.
"And there's, um...kissing." he says, nudging my elbow playfully and I laugh again.
"I'm aware of that." I reply and he smiles. I lean into him and peck his lips only this time, he attaches his lips to mine, full on. I cling onto our entwined hands that rest on the bed as I can feel his tongue touching against mine, our lips molding perfectly together. He lets go of our hands and tangles his fingers onto my hair, causing goosebumps to arise on the nape of my neck. I gasp into his mouth, feeling rigid. Bloody hell. How did he do that?
I pull away automatically and his hands rest on his lap as he looks a bit sheepish. There's a knock on the door and Zayn appears in the doorway, staring anxiously at us.
"Dinner's ready." he tells us. With one quick glare toward me, he leaves without another word. Niall and I exchange glances and I follow him out into the kitchen.
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I'm not to sure about this chapter, as I had a bit of writers block. Dedicated to a very dear friend, @kadiebmore as she's been one tough cookie over the past few months. Let me know what you think, feedback would be much appreciated <3 x
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