Chapter 23
Morning After
I woke up with a start. It was followed by a vicious headache, the feeling of dry sand in my throat, and my muscles being sore in places... I shouldn't be sore. And damn it, I feel so warm.
Too warm.
Despite the hammering sensation in my skull, I gingerly opened my eyes and eyes zeroed in on the mess on the floor. My white and fluffy bathrobe was on the floor, same with the heels I wore last night, and clothes... men's clothes.
The warmth around my mid-section tightened. I looked down and saw a very veiny and muscular arm around me. Anxiety started to creep in my chest as I slowly looked back to inspect what the fuck is going on behind me.
I was stunned to see the face of my oldest friend.
My best friend.
Seeing his face triggered the memories of last night, hot, hazy, and full of hunger. I held in a gasp when I remembered his head making a home between my thighs.
Fuck!
No, no, no, noooo...
And then another flash of memory—
Him on top of me, his hips moving... pumping between my legs. His eyes on me were intense and his other hand strumming me, playing me like a fucking fiddle.
Oh, God... no.
I just had sex with my best friend.
Before I could form a plan in my head, his arms around me tightened just as his eyes fluttered open. I held in my breath as I watched him get his bearings. His eyes landed on me and they softened as he smiled at me. "Hey."
"Yap..." was the only thing I could say. Despite my hoarse throat, I managed to swallow my fucking tongue.
He raised his hand to my face and moved away the strands of hair covering my face. "I'm Yap again?" he asked with a soft smile on his lips.
I just stared at him. He's been nothing but Yap to me, all this time. "Huh?" Hindi ko na ba siya dapat tawagin sa pangalan na ni-request niya sa akin noon na itawag sa kanya?
The look of confusion must've been evident on my face. Yap whispered to me, "You called me by my real name last night."
And then I remembered why my throat was hurting. I was screaming 'Storm' just a few hours earlier.
Fuck. "Uhh..." I stared at him with wide eyes. Anong sasabihin ko? We just had sex!
"And you're freaking out."
I moved away from him and sat up, which was a wrong move because I'm still naked—both of us are still fucking naked!
"What did we do?!" I hissed at him as I grabbed the comforter pooling my waist and wrapped it around my body. "What have we done, Yap?"
"Ash..." Yap followed suit and sat up, not caring if his whole naked body was right in front of me.
Umiling ako at lumayo sa kanya. "What happened last night was a mistake."
He looked at me with a huge frown on his face. "A mistake?" he echoed as he grabbed a pillow and put it between his legs. Good! Itago niya 'yan!
"Yes, it's a mistake!" I said as I continued to move away from him. I jumped out of bed and started to look around for my clothes. Shit, nasaan ba ang mga damit ko? Bakit puro damit lang ni Yap nandito sa sahig?
"It wasn't a mistake, Ash," he said as he stood up, iniwan na niya 'yung pillow sa kama at nagsimula nang magbihis. Buti pa siya! Where the fuck are my clothes last night?!
I reminded him why it was a mistake. His fucking girlfriend. "Yap, you have a girlfriend!"
"Hey, calm down." He was standing in front of me, already wearing his pants and handing me a white bathrobe.
Calm down?! How can I calm down?! I don't want to be a third party! I don't want to be that girl best friend na nag-aabang maging single ang best friend niya bago sumalakay! Oh, God. I am even worse. He's still with her!
Muli akong umiling sa kanya bago kinuha ang hawak niyang bathrobe. "I can't deal with this right now."
Pero imbes na suotin ang hawak niyang bathrobe, mas hinigpitan ko pa ang nakabalot sa aking comforter at umupo sa dulo ng kama. Yumuko, pumikit, at nagsimulang huminga nang malalim. Hindi ako makahinga!
"What do you need?" he asked as he sat on his hunches, his concerned face was just below me.
Pumikit ako dahil ayokong makita ang concerned niyang mukha. I shouldn't feel this, we shouldn't have done what we did last night.
"My head hurts. My whole body hurts." My heart fucking hurts... I'm so scared.
I felt his hands gently grab my face. "And your heart?"
I opened my eyes and stared directly at him. "I don't know," I found myself saying to my best friend. But he knows me so well. He knows that this, whatever this is, is eating me alive inside.
He sighed and pressed his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and let myself breathe him in. He whispered, answering for me. "You're confused... and scared."
I nodded, our foreheads still pressed together. "I'm terrified."
"So am I." I opened my eyes again and saw the fear and wariness in his eyes. "We have so many things to talk about. But first we have to get you something to drink and eat."
"I'm not hungry," I said to him. Malayo sa isip ko ang pagkain ngayon, I don't want to eat! Isusuka ko lang 'yun dahil sa anxiety at huilt na kumakain sa sistema ko!
"You're hungover. You have to eat," he said just before his lips met mine. Soft and sweet at first, but it suddenly turned hot, hard, and unyielding. His hand slid up to cup my jaw and neck, holding me in place as he kissed every thought out of my head, leaving me with nothing but a riot of animals—we're way past butterflies at this point—stomping their feet in my stomach.
He pulled back, his eyes on me were fierce. I opened my mouth to ask him a stupid question, but he beat me to it as he pressed a kiss to my lips once again.
"What are we doing?" I asked him after we left my lips alone. We just kissed again, and despite my brain going into overdrive, I can't help but admit to myself that I enjoyed kissing him. I enjoyed his lips moving against mine, his tongue playing with mine, his body doing wicked things to me last night.
"I don't know," he said as he moved away from me and walked straight to the large desk near my bed. "But you really need to eat, Ash. I'm calling room service."
Napatalon ako at tumakbo palapit sa kanya. "No! They can't see us together here!"
"We don't have to let them in," he said as he stared at my naked body. Shit! Nakahubad nga pala ako, why did I drop that fucking comforter? Fuck, I am a huge-ass mess.
"No, no..." Umiling ako at binalikan ang bathrobe na katabi ng binitawan kong comforter. I slipped it on my body and wrapped it tightly around me as I explained to him why. I don't even know if I fucking make sense at this point! "Sir Simon will see the bill. I don't want him to think that I am with someone the morning after."
Oh, God. I'm already dreading seeing them today—fuck! Ngayon 'yung flight namin papuntang New York and I am not in the right state of mind to be a fucking human being today! Oh, God. Is this what they call a breakdown?
Am I having a mental breakdown right now?
"He knows we're close," he countered with a sigh. "He knows I sleep in your apartment, he knows you sleep in my condo."
Umiling ako. Kahit anong pag-ra-rationalize niya, hindi ko pinakinggan. I made up my mind, he needs to go. He needs to vacate this place. Whatever means necessary, he has to leave this room so I could do the right thing.
I stopped flailing around and looked at him. I am going to lie to him again, after being honest with my deepest, darkest secrets last night. I have to lie to him again... I just can't deal with the consequences of my actions last night.
I swallowed a huge gulp and cleared my face with any emotion. "Fine, kakain ako, but please just buy food outside." He knows me, he'll know what I'm planning to do if I show him any emotion that might clue him in on what's brewing inside this fucked-up brain of mine.
He watched me for a while before he sighed. "Okay, fine. If that's important to you, I'll do it. Pero pagbalik ko, mag-uusap tayo."
Hindi ako umimik. I can't find my voice to lie to him again.
Lumapit siya sa akin at muling hinawakan ang mukha ko. "Promise me, Ash."
I couldn't promise him shit so I just let myself kiss him for the last time. "We'll talk," I said after moving away from him. We'll talk when I get back... just not today.
I watched him get his clothes and enter the bathroom to do his business. When he stepped out, he's already dressed.
"We'll talk, okay?" he said as he walked towards me. "Take a shower and clear your mind. We'll get through this together."
We can't. "Yap..."
He kisses me on the forehead. "Don't worry, babe. We'll figure this out."
I just closed my eyes and let him hug me, savoring the last few quiet moments we have.
When the door closed after he stepped out of it, I shot up the bed and sprang into action. I probably have less than an hour to clear the room before he comes back.
I really can't do this.
I can't believe I let myself do what we did last night.
I can't believe I did this.
I don't need him to be with me to figure out what we just did and what the fuck is going to happen.
***
"What the hell is going on, Asher? Have you even showered?" Shea said to me when I jumped inside the SUV she's driving. I called her as soon as Yap left earlier, asking her to whisk me away from this hotel.
"Please just drive," I said to her as I clipped in my seatbelt.
She looked at me with skeptic eyes before she started driving. Akala ko nakaligtas na ako, pero nang makalayo na kami sa hotel ay sunud-sunod na ang mga tanong niya."Asher, you're a mess. We're leaving in four hours and you're like this? What's going on, girl? Where's Yap? Magkasama kayong umalis kagabi, diba?"
I'm too hungover for this. The pounding headache and her incessant questions, paired with the glaring sunlight were just too much for me.
I put my sunnies on and closed my eyes as I told her the truth. "I slept with Yap last night."
"Oh, wow! That's nice!"
I looked at her and glared. "No! It's not!"
He glanced at me briefly before looking back at the road again. "Huh? What? It's not? We're not happy about it? Even though we love him?"
I shook my head. "We don't! He has a girlfriend! And we don't love him!"
"So it was just a one-night-stand?" she gasped. This dramatic bitch...
I glared at her again as I shouted my frustration. "It's not a one-night-stand if it's your best friend, Shea!"
She flashed me a reckless grin. "So mauulit pa? Paano 'yan? Aalis ka papuntang New York?"
Hindi ako umimik at umiwas ng tingin, itinuon ang atensyon sa bintana. Akala ko ay papatahimikin na niya ako pero nagulat ako nang bigla niya akong hampasin sa braso.
"Hoy! Don't tell me you're leaving without him knowing?" Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. "Oh, my God! Ginamit mo ba akong getaway vehicle?! Iniwan mo siya sa hotel?!"
I shook my head. "No. I made him leave. I have a flight at mali-late na ako, okay? I needed to go."
Tumawa siya nang malakas. "Tumakas ka?"
Tinignan ko siya nang masama. Tawanan daw ba ako? "Kung sasabihin ko bang 'oo', titigilan mo na ako?"
Hindi nawala ang nakakalokong ngiti sa mga labi niya. "Did you at least enjoy it?" tanong nito, nang-aasar pa.
Umiwas ulit ako ng tingin. "Yeah. Too much," bulong ko, ngayon lang nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob magsabi ng totoo mula nang magising ako kanina. "Last night, I admitted to him that I've been in love with him for the longest time..."
I looked back at her and saw the grin was gone and was replaced by concern. "Oh, Asher... I know you guys will figure it out."
"Don't worry, babe. We'll figure this out." I heard his voice in my head. I already fucking miss him.
Leaning back on the headrest, I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through my nose to calm myself down. Alam ko sa sarili ko na malapit na akong bumigay. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."
Just like he knew I was on the brink of losing my shit, my phone started ringing. I pushed the red button after seeing my best friend's name.
From: Yappie
Where the fuck are you?!
Asher: Otw to NAIA
Yappie: Are you srsly leaving without us talking?
Asher: I can't do this.
Yappie: You played me.
Asher: I'm sorry.
Yappie: I thought we're going to talk?
Yappie: You promised.
Asher: I didn't.
Yappie: Fuck, Ash. You kissed me to shut me up?
Asher: We'll talk when I get back.
Yappie: You couldn't just tell me that earlier? You really had to play me like that?
My phone started ringing again. Shea and I glanced at each other. "Sasagutin mo ba 'yan?"
I answered her by dropping his call once again. Shea just let out a loud, disappointed sigh.
Yappie: Answer the fucking call.
Asher: I can't.
Yappie: Did I do something wrong? Did I do something you didn't like last night? Did I hurt you?
I felt the backs of my eyes sting and I started sniffing as I typed in my reply to him.
Asher: No, you were great.
So great. The best, even.
Yappie: Then why the fuck are you there and not here?
Asher: I need time to think.
Yappie: We had time to talk kanina. You made me leave.
Asher: We'll talk when I get back.
Yappie: Are you even coming home?
And that text was what broke the dam, the floodgates opened and I started crying so hard. I'm so scared to lose him, yet I pushed him away the first time we made a big step in our relationship. Do we even have a relationship at this point? I know I am acting like a horrible best friend, I know I am the worst.
And he's just the best. He knows... he knows I'm going to put this talk off as much as I can. He's scared that I may not even come back because he knows I operate like that.
He knows that I run away when I can't deal.
Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. I just know what we did was wrong and I made it worse by not talking to him and leaving him in the dust. And I keep on making this harder for the both of us because I just can't let my fears go.
Fuck, wala na akong ginawang tama.
Shea dropped a box of tissue on my lap and gently patted my knee to comfort me. "Thank you."
Asher: I'm really sorry, Storm.