Telling his friends lifted a weight from Jeongguk's shoulders, and so did the ingestion of large amounts of alcohol. But this was still Taehyung's apartment, Taehyung's party, and even if Jimin had probably told him to behave, as he promised he would, Jeongguk still caught too frequent glimpses of him, either drinking somewhere, or dancing in the middle of the living room, or talking to someone, and he hated that his eyes couldn't help but snap up to him every time, like they were magnetically drawn to him.
Jeongguk was getting past tipsy and now veering into comfortably drunk, which was why he was allowing himself to think about Taehyung, for once, instead of squashing the mere idea of him under his mental boots like he usually did.
And it was a good thing he didn't drink more often, too, because the thoughts that roamed his uncensored mind were scary now, in his state of drunkenness; they'd be impossible to stand had he been sober.
The biggest of them, at the forefront of his mind, was that Taehyung was beautiful. It was a truth he desperately tried to crush every time he saw him at the gym, with more or less success, but now, watching him gracefully move from one person to another, dance with a guy, laugh with a girl, dressed in a Gucci blue shirt and large black pants, he couldn't help but fully think it.
Taehyung was beautiful.
A long-forgotten, deep-seated longing was squeezing his heart. For the first time in a month and a half, he was allowing himself to remember how Taehyung used to make his heart stop just by walking into his field of vision, back in high school. The problem was, he was even more beautiful now, seven years later. Jeongguk's eyes could not stand such perfection.
The second thought, less urgent, but still very much there, was that he missed Taehyung. Sure, the guy was a lying and manipulative scumbag. Sure, he'd inflicted him the most painful humiliation of his life, one that had effectively changed him and had deeply altered the way he interacted with others, and his capacity for trust. Sure, Taehyung had hurt him more than he thought he could ever be hurt. But before that, the four months they'd spent together had been the happiest of Jeongguk's life, the funniest; it had been the first time he'd felt complete, understood, and liked.
And although it turned out that it was nothing more than a lie, although almost everything he remembered from that time had soured because of that, sometimes, without warning, a memory would pop up and Jeongguk would feel nostalgic all over again.
And tonight, a lot of memories were popping up. Memories of cuddling in Taehyung's bed when his parents were at work, memories of kissing slowly, for hours, just because they could, and looking into each other's eyes with overflowing tenderness - at least on Jeongguk's part. Memories of heated make-out sessions that ended with their hands in each other's pants. Jeongguk's first sexual experience ever. He had been so glad, back then, that it was with Taehyung. That was the one thing he couldn't bring himself to regret, even when his mind was clouded by hate and resentment.
So many memories.
There was another thought, quieter than the others, but ten times scarier, that even drunk Jeongguk had trouble admitting to himself he was thinking. That thought, he could not, would not voice it, even just mentally.
Which was why he decided to stop staring at him from afar and stand up from where he was sitting on the couch, next to a guy whose name he didn't know, who was chatting about something he didn't understand and had absolutely no interest in.
"Gotta pee", he said, shrugging. The guy looked disappointed, but Jeongguk didn't hear nor cared about his reply. He snatched a bottle of soju on his way.
Taehyung and Jimin's apartment was, obviously, bigger than his, but also bigger than Yoongi and Hoseok's. Jeongguk, snooping around through his alcoholic haze, discovered two bedrooms, one with all the coats from the guests thrown haphazardly on the bed, the other with an unmade bed, weird art posters on the wall and a walk-in closet.
Jeongguk took a longer look than was necessary at Taehyung's room before closing the door and continuing his unashamed exploration. Their bathroom was huge, with white tiles, cream-colored carpets, a bathtub so big two could fit inside, and a full-length mirror.
The kitchen was huge too, with an island in the middle, flanked by high stools on one side, but the best part was the glass door that led to another balcony, offering a different view of the city than the one in the living room, and also, amazingly, empty.
Jeongguk closed the sliding door behind him, deeply inhaling the cold February air and foregoing the two plush-looking armchairs against the wall to lean on the railing. Seoul was beautiful from here too, and he felt a bit more peaceful drinking in the sight of the flickering night lights.
His inner peace lasted a grand total of five minutes, before he heard the door slide and close behind him, and knew, without a doubt, without even knowing how he knew, that it was Taehyung.
Without even bothering to turn, he sighed. "Why? Why can't you ever leave me alone? I'm not asking much, am I?"
"Too much for me," Taehyung replied in a small voice. "I just can't help it. I can't stay away from you."
This time, Jeongguk turned towards him. He looked uneasy, fidgeting, nothing like the confident guy Jeongguk remembered in high school, the one who'd come up to him to strike up a conversation.
"Why?" Jeongguk asked, genuinely dumbfounded. "I keep telling you I don't want you around me. Why don't you get it?"
"I do get it," Taehyung stepped closer, leaning on the railing next to him. "But I can't help it. I'd rather you hate me than you don't see me."
Jeongguk felt his heart jump in his chest. Taehyung was so close he could smell his perfume, and he didn't know if it made him want to puke or swoon.
"Well, congrats, then. You've achieved your goal. I do hate you. And I can't not see you, since you're literally everywhere. Crowding me at my bar, crowding me at my gym, crowding me here even though Jimin told you not to."
"I just want a chance to apologize," Taehyung whispered, wringing his hands. "You never want to hear me out."
"Have you ever stopped and wondered why?" Jeongguk retorted, pushing away from the railing to face him, anger rising again. "Why I don't want to listen to your hypocritical ass? Why would I trust anything that's coming out of your mouth? You've given me no reason to."
"I'm not asking you to trust me," Taehyung replied, turning to him. "I'm just asking you to listen to me. I'm sorry, Jeongguk. I really am. I hurt you and I've regretted it ever since. I regretted it even before you knew."
"Not enough to come clean about it, though," Jeongguk muttered darkly, fists clenching.
"I was going to..."
"Yeah, I think I've heard it somewhere before. You were going to. Well, you didn't, and I had to find out by overhearing you talking with your friend. Do you have any idea what that felt like, Taehyung? Any idea at all?"
"Jeongguk..."
"No, now you listen to me. I was stupid, so you're not entirely to blame. I should have known it was too good to be true. But I was weak, and in love, and I trusted you. At least I learned a valuable lesson that day. I realize now how naïve I was, and I'm giving my trust only to people who deserve it, which is why I only have three friends, but three friends I know will stay with me through thick and thin. So, really, you don't have to apologize, Taehyung. At any rate, you helped me see people more clearly. I do see you. It ain't a great sight."
Jeongguk's hands were shaking. Taehyung's too, judging by the way he was gripping the railing a bit too hard.
"You've changed," he whispered, not looking Jeongguk in the eyes. "Is it so hard to believe that I've changed too? You said you were in love with me. Can't you give me the benefit of the doubt? Can't you at least try?"
"Why would I?" Jeongguk snorted. "Don't you know the saying? Fool me once, shame on you, blah blah. Why would I even try?"
"For Jimin and Yoongi!" Taehyung exclaimed. "Everything would be easier if we weren't at each other's throats every time we're in the same room. We could be friends. Or friendly. Hell, not even. Just neutral is enough. Is that too much to ask?"
Something snapped in Jeongguk. He grabbed Taehyung by the shoulders and pushed him against the wall, on the side of the balcony, before trapping him with both hands on each side of his head. The fresh air had cleared his mind a bit, but not nearly enough for him to stop and consider his actions rationally.
He was so, so close to Taehyung, and his perfume was making him lose his mind. He wanted him.
There it was, the censored truth. The one he couldn't admit even to himself. There it came out, destroying everything on its way.
He wanted him. Desperately. He was going crazy with want.
Taehyung was watching him with wide eyes.
"I don't want to be friends with you," Jeongguk whispered. "I want to fuck you. I want to bite you. I want to ruin you."
Taehyung let out a small gasp, and Jeongguk's gaze fell on his mouth. He just wanted to shut him up, for once. Just a bit of silence.
That was what he told himself when he leaned towards him. That was what he told himself when their lips touched.
But after that, there was no excuse. No excuse for the deflagration in Jeongguk's heart, in his mind, in his stomach. No excuse for the way he hungrily, angrily devoured his mouth, biting his lips, inhaling his scent. No excuse for how he thought Taehyung still felt the same, after all these years, or how he thought it was still the best kiss he'd experienced in years. Seven of them, in fact.
No excuse for how his whole body desperately craved Taehyung when his mind was howling in anger at him. At them both.
When Taehyung slid his hands behind his back, Jeongguk felt like someone had just thrown a bucket of cold water at him. What the fuck was he doing? God, why was he on this balcony kissing the guy he hated the most on the planet?
"Fuck", he stammered, pushing Taehyung back.
Taehyung looked hazy, cheeks red and mouth glistening, half-open. His black locks were obscuring his eyes, but Jeongguk could see that he was staring at him like he couldn't believe it.
That made both of them.
"Fuck", he repeated, before turning away and bolting, not even bothering to get his coat back from Jimin's room, leaving the apartment without anybody noticing.
He didn't stop running until he got home.