June 23rd, 2022
This is where I feel the most free. I come to this garden when I need to forget the world around me and remember who I am. I've never brought anyone here before, not even Zayn, so I don't know exactly what compelled me to take Cassie here. But seeing the grief in her eyes when she opened the door made me feel something I've never felt before and I don't know if there's even a word for it.
This might sound awful, but being around her makes me feel less crazy. Like there's another person that exists with as many demons as me, even if she won't admit it. I never feel like I have the ability to actually make a difference in the life I live, and it feels good to be able to do this for someone, even if it had to be her.
We've been laying in our identical spots on the ground for a long time. It feels like hours, even though it's probably only been thirty minutes if that. Part of me wonders if she's asleep, but right as I have that thought, I feel her shift next to me.
"How long have we been out here?" Her voice sounds rough, like maybe she did end up falling asleep.
"A while," I respond without opening my eyes. I want to get up to show her around more. I've memorized every inch of this place over the years and even though it's all the same flower, it's refreshing to walk around in the endless fields. I just can't bring myself to move yet.
"Thank you, Harry," she says quietly and I hear her shift again next to me. When she speaks next, her voice sounds closer. "I needed this."
I don't respond to her and we sit in silence for a while longer, until I hear her humming something to herself. I can't quite make out what it is, but something about the melody sticks out to me. I listen to her go on for a while, repeating the same tune over and over again. I feel myself drifting but fight to stay awake.
When I open my eyes, squinting at the light above me, she's laid next to me on her side with her arm propping up her head. Storm clouds are slowly moving in over us, but with the late afternoon glow behind her, I can't help but stare at her.
"Your eyes." Really Harry? That's all you can say? "Are blue." Yeah nice save.
She laughs and I think this is the first time she's actually laughed at something I've said directly, even if it was to make fun of me. "They're are indeed blue."
"You're awfully quiet," I point out. I expected her to be more lively once she realized I only had good intentions in taking her here. Since I barged into her apartment a few hours ago, she hasn't been the girl I've slowly come to know and I find myself wanting that part of her back, no matter how much I say it annoys me.
"I feel... relaxed. For once I don't feel the need to fill the silence," she smiles at me.
Oh god, why did that make me feel nauseous, but in a good way? Is there even a good way to feel nauseous?
"Tell me something," I say, propping myself up to face her on the grass.
"Like what?"
"Anything."
She pauses for moment in thought, holding her other hand to her chin. "I miss my best friend."
"Tell me about her."
"Her name is Shaye. We met when we were eight and we've been attached at the hip since. She's loud, a bit obnoxious, very much the kind of person that you either love or hate. Come to think of it, she'd probably get along with Zayn really well," she laughs as she speaks, seemingly just talking out her thoughts exactly like I wanted her to.
"Where is she now?"
A look of uncertainty passes across Cassie's face at that, and she looks down at the grass as she speaks. "She's in Arizona."
"I've never been, what's Arizona like?" I ask.
"Brown, dry, boring. You might die because the person next to you is having a bad day," she says casually, giggling at that. "Maybe you'd be okay there."
"I don't kill just anyone," I smirk at her.
"Jokes aside, Arizona can be okay. The most beautiful sunsets you'll ever see. Mountains in every direction. I lived in the Phoenix area, but Shaye and I used to take a trip to a city called Sedona. Sedona has these huge, gorgeous red rocks that are said to be spiritual. People go there to pray to the red rocks. We would get pretty, uh... spiritual ourselves when we would take our trips." She sits up to sit criss cross next to me, taking the strings of her hoodie in her hands as she speaks.
"What? You just get high and sit on the rocks?" I feel like I'm not picking up whatever she's putting down.
"Something like that," she shrugs.
I sit and think about it for a moment, wondering what that could mean and why she's being so cryptic. They would take spiritual...trips...
"You took mushrooms up there?" It dawns on me suddenly. Wow, I really didn't expect that from her, but it sounds like she's full of surprises.
"Once a year," she nods in confirmation. "It was so good. I can't even explain to you. I miss it. I miss her."
I mentally take note of the new thing I've learned about her, storing it away in the back of my head. "Psychedelic's are the one drug I've never messed with," I admit.
"Wow, Mr. Drug Lord has never taken a trip. I'm shocked. Pussy," she sticks her tongue out playfully.
She has a tongue piercing.
Noted again.
I clear my throat before I speak, trying to wipe off the look I have on my face quickly. "Fuck you," I laugh at her, shoving at her leg.
"Tell me something about you," she says softly as she picks at the grass between us.
I take a moment to think, realizing that she literally knows nothing personal about me, except where I work. What would I want to tell her as the first thing? This suddenly feels like a lot of pressure, even though I know it's not that serious and I'm just overthinking. I mull over my options, my favorite color isn't going to keep the conversation going, and I know I don't want this to end any time soon.
"Um, well I lived in England until I was eleven," I begin, clearing my throat. "It's, uh, really rainy there, but beautiful. It's lot more gray there though. My accent's faded over the years, I kind of miss it."
She laughs again at that. "It's still very much there, don't worry."
"One year, my mum and my sister took me to a restaurant that was sat in the middle of a rose garden for my birthday. It's one of my favorite memories of home. That's what I miss," I add, staring at her hand between us that's created a small pile of grass.
"Where are they now?" she asks cautiously as if she's unsure of the topic. To anyone else, that would be a casual question, but to her it's almost like she doesn't want to assume anything.
Even so, my heartbeat quickens at her question, definitely not wanting to go down that path. My family is something absolutely off limits, and it takes everything in me not to snap at her question.
You can't exactly tell someone the first time you hang out with them that your mom and sister are dead.
"It looks like it's going to rain soon. I still want to walk a bit further through the garden before we leave," I change the subject and avoid her eye contact.
My mood shifts almost completely from the light air I felt earlier, but I try to bottle it up and shove it away until I can be away from Cassie. Deep down, I know she had good intentions. The whole point of this was to get Cassie out of her funk and there is no point in ruining it.
Family is such a sensitive subject for me. My life was good back home, great even. My childhood was one of dreams until my mum died and I was sent to the States to live with my horrid aunt who was so terrible my sister thought she had to kill herself to get away. My twelve year old mind couldn't handle all of the stress, so therefore my aunt could no longer handle me.
That's when I decided I was better off alone. Nothing was permanent, no one would ever be in my life long enough, so what was the point.
We stand up and start walking down one of the rows of flowers. Cassie seems to notice my sudden shift in demeanor, but thankfully doesn't say anything about it. She walks gracefully a few steps ahead of me, smelling flowers as she walks even though this whole area smells the same and nothing changes from flower to flower. I chuckle to myself quietly watching her, almost feeling jealous of the way she's looking at her surroundings. I can see a change in her attitude from earlier today when I demanded she let me in her apartment to now and if anything I at least feel a sense of accomplishment.
Cassie turns around and walks backwards grinning at me and throwing her arms up as she speaks. "Cheer up. We didn't fight today."
I shrug my shoulders. "I can change that, if you'd like."
"Hey, none of that," she scolds me trying to sound playful. "Stop walking for a second."
I look at her in confusion, but still do what she says. I see her reaching for my hand and I freeze up immediately. "What are you doing?"
"Just shut up for a second and let me do something." She grabs my hand and turns to face to her left and motions for me to do the same. We stand side by side and she takes a deep breath, looking straight ahead. "Close your eyes."
"Cassie, why—" I start but she cuts me off before I can finish.
"Shut up. Close your eyes, and take a deep breath."
I roll my eyes but again do what she says, feeling like an idiot.
"I don't understa—"
"God, now who's the one who stop talking," she huffs, but squeezes my hand to show she's still being playful. "Tell me one thing you hear."
"One thing I hear? Uh, fuck I don't know," I stop for a second to find something I can hear to humor her. "I hear... the trees blowing in the wind."
"Good," she praises with a smile in her voice. "Now tell me one thing you smell."
"Easy, the flowers."
She giggles at that and then starts again, "Great, now tell me one thing you taste."
Taste? I taste nothing. Fuck uh, "I taste the... air?"
"Props for being creative, that one doesn't really work for us right now. We're almost done. What's one thing you feel?"
Where is she going with this and why does this sound familiar? I still feel dumb doing this in the middle of a garden.
"I feel... your hand in mine." I think for a second.
"Very good. Last one. Open your eyes."
I look ahead and squint my eyes as I adjust from the previous darkness. I peak over at her to my right seeing her staring straight ahead still. I'm guessing she's about to ask me what I see based on the current pattern.
"What do you see?" She almost whispers.
"I see... the sun shining from behind the clouds," I say, still looking at her.
She lets go of my hand and I swiftly take it back. I don't know what she was trying to achieve with that, but I definitely feel calmer. I've almost completely forgotten about my previous thoughts, the only thing on my mind now is how this is one of the best days I've had in a while, despite my mood change earlier.
"How do you feel?" She asks me with hopeful eyes.
"Good? What was that?" I ask back to her.
"It's a grounding technique. I noticed the wheels spinning in your head, I know what that's like," she says the last part quietly. "I was just trying to bring you back down to earth. Let's have a good rest of the day."
I smile at this, but part of me wonders why the change of heart. I was a complete dick to her at her apartment a few weeks ago when she invited me up to smoke, and I know it's just snowballed from there on her dislike for me. With the drug thing, and the trying to break her door down today, she has no reason to show any ounce of care for me. She's been quieter today and hasn't tried to intentionally push my buttons once.
I have trouble believing she would be nice to me out of the kindness of her heart at this point. Still the gesture was nice and it did help bring me out of the spiral I was going down, for now.
"Thanks. Yeah, let's have a good day," I give her a softer look. "You should forgive Zayn."
She furrows her eyebrows at this, seeming confused at the subject change. "Why?"
"He's a good guy, despite everything. The world has made him rough around the edges, but he's a good friend."
"I'll think about it," she says, but she smiles afterwards, making me think she took my words to heart.
Zayn really is a good guy. He's had it pretty rough, but he could use someone like Cassie. I may not trust her right now, but she could be good for Zayn. Even if she doesn't want to be with him in any other way other than friends.
Suddenly, there's a loud crack of thunder and a bright bolt of lightning that stops us both where we are. The sky opens and it starts pouring down on us, huge raindrops drenching us in seconds.
"Fuck, let's get out of here. I thought we would have more time," I run my hands through my hair, turning around to go back the way we came.
"It's raining Harry!" She yells loudly and I turn back around to see her with her head tilted upwards and her arms spread out.
"I noticed. We also live in Washington, so...," I raise my eyebrow at her childlike attitude.
"I love the rain! I never want to see the sun again!" She puts her head back down to look at me and gets a devilish look in her eye. "I'll race you back to the trail!"
Before I know it, she's sprinting ahead of me. We've taken so many random twists and turns that I'm not sure if she knows how to get back. I run after her, hearing her laugh as she takes more random turns, trying to remember how to get back.
"Where are you going?" I call out. "You're going the wrong way!"
"Keep up! I know where I'm going!"
I catch up to her easily, and put my hand on her shoulder. She stops and looks at me, breathing heavily from her run. We're both completely soaked, I know I can barely see from all the rain in my eyes so I'm sure she feels the same. She attempts to shield her face from the water, putting her hand up over her eyebrows and squinting at me.
Her eyes never falter from that bright blue color and I find myself lost in them as she stares back at me. The rain isn't letting up at all and thunder continuously booms in the background as we stand in a sea of flowers and trees, even further from the trail we originally came from. Neither one of us move from our spots until she takes a step forward and wraps her arms around my waist.
It was so unexpected and I don't hug her back, feeling my fight or flight kick in at the sudden touch. That doesn't stop her as she keeps her arms wound tightly around me as the rain beats down on us.
"Thank you. So much for this Harry," she says loudly over the thunder.
I take my hands and place them on her shoulders, slightly shoving her away and she takes the hint, looking up at me with confusion. She moves her arms back to her sides and looks down at the ground between us.
"Don't touch me," I snap, a bit harshly but I needed to get my point across that I don't do hugs. Holding my hand was pushing it. "Follow me, you don't know where you're going."
She nods and steps aside so I can lead the way out and I shove past her, feeling my cheeks heat up despite the cold and make my way down the row. I can hear her struggling to keep up but I don't look back.
I know I fucked up. We were making so much progress. But maybe it's just not meant to be with us. I don't want hugs or heartfelt words, or any of that shit. Why does everything have to be so intimate with people? This is why I don't make friends.
We finally get out of the maze and the rain let's up to a consistent drizzle as we make our way through the path in the trees back out to the countryside. We have a long fucking walk ahead of us.
June 24th, 2022
Unknown number: listen, i'm sorry about what happened. can we talk?
Cassie has texted me three times since our walk yesterday. Our walk home was awkward and uncomfortable. We didn't even say goodbye. Once we got to the road where we parted ways, she went to speak and I just held my hand up to signal I wasn't in the mood and I just kept on walking, leaving her to walk herself the rest of the way to her apartment.
I haven't even bothered to save her number, but I know it's her because she told me the first time she texted me. I've been fighting the urge to block her, but ignoring her will be fine for now. I had work today and I know she did too. I was half expecting her to show up at Voodoo until Zayn reminded me she has work on Friday's.
So tonight we're going out and as much as I've begged Zayn to go somewhere else, we're unfortunately halfway to Eddie's. It's always been our favorite bar, and I know I can't let some girl ruin that. I have one goal in mind for tonight no matter where we go. My therapy is getting trashed and burying myself in a stranger and that's exactly what I plan to do.
I've decided to dress up a bit for the occasion and I have to stay I'm feeling quite confident in myself. It has nothing to do with the possibility of a certain pink haired girl plaguing my thoughts being there, or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
"Snap out of it," Zayn says, waving his hand at my face. "Why are you so spacey today?"
"I'm not spacey," I reply back, knowing he's right but not willing to admit it.
Yesterday was a really good day. I saw Cassie in a whole new light, but after the mention of my family and her hugging me, I realized that my issues with any sort of emotional or physical meaningful intimacy whether it's platonic or not are going to hold me back every time. Her rambling and her wit are a part of her charm and I find myself wanting to text her to meet us there, despite the simultaneous urge to block her, but it's over powered each time by my own self doubt.
But the only person who has ever showed genuine kindness towards me since I was eleven has been Zayn. She actually took the time to see me and try to understand me with the hesitation in her voice and the grounding thing she did with me. I'm still doubtful that there wasn't some kind of motive, but the feeling I get in my stomach almost doesn't care.
Almost.
"Well get it together, we're going to have fun tonight and you're actually going to participate. No more moody and mysterious Harry, only happy and fun Harry! Okay?" he says sternly as we walk up the steps to the bar.
"Whatever, I'll get us a booth can you just get me whatever you're drinking?" I ask as we walk towards the door. Zayn gives me an enthusiastic thumbs up and I find a booth towards the back of the bar, intentionally choosing one next to a table with two girls laughing. One girl has blonde hair and blue eyes while the other has black hair and dark eyes. I eye the girl with dark hair and as I approach the table, I notice them eye me and I give them a smirk and roll my eyes a little, sliding into the seat and throwing my arm across the back.
"He's cute, you should go talk to him!" One of them whisper yells over the music, but loud enough that I can hear.
"He's so out of my league! Help me out!" the other yells and they giggle at each other.
I see Zayn pop into my view and he slides in across from me with two whiskeys. "We should be getting a round of shots soon too," he says absentmindedly, but then he looks up and realized why I sat here. "Oh, hello."
"Exactly," I give him a look and turn around to the table, attempting to put on the charm. I make eye contact with the dark haired girl and smile. "You ladies want to join us? Next round is on us."
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take a shot every time i say "giggle" LMAO
100 reads!!! amazing!!! i hope you're enjoying so far, thanks for staying patient with me as we build up to the good stuff!!
thanks for reading <3