Chapter twenty-two
Ya Allah, I'm in need of all the good you can provide for me. Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem, Ya Ghafururraheem, please forgive me for all I have done. Ya Allah, please bring me close to you, so close that I cannot get any closer. Ya Allah, please guide ––
"Hafeezah, your phone... oh, you're praying," Khadra entered the room.
I sat on the prayer mat, my hands raised in front of me and my vision blurred with tears. I quickly rubbed my eyes, hoping to wipe away any evidence of crying, without completing my du'as and smiled up at her. If she had noticed, she didn't comment on it. After the incident with Mum, I ran over to Khadra's place. Of course, she wasn't there as she was still picking up stuff from the shops but Khala was and upon seeing her when she opened the door, I thrust myself onto her, finally allowing myself to cry. I was in such an emotional state that I hadn't taken note of her appearance, one where she was ready to go out. Without another word, Khala wrapped her arms around me and lead me to the living room. She waited. And waited until my cries turned into sniffs, just holding me.
"Khala," I croaked, eventually facing her.
"Shh, no it's okay. Let me go get you some water." She wiped my cheeks and got up.
While I was left alone, I circled back to my life at present. After all, this is what my life lead to. I always thought marriage would be my escape; my clear sky after seasons and seasons of thunder and rain but alas when one chapter of a tornado ended, another had begun.
"Here you go," Khala spoke, breaking me out of my trance.
I took the glass out of her hand and could only handle taking a sip before I placed it on the coffee table.
"Khala..." I looked at her apologetically. "I'm so sorry, I don't mean to be such a ––"
"Now missy, what are you apologising for? Now, why don't you just tell me what happened?"
She grabbed my right hand and slowly massaged my palm.
"I...uhm, I..." I didn't know where to begin. From my parents, from when I got married or from when Mum came to stay with us? "I'm sorry."
I lowered my gaze. I'd be frustrated if someone came to me evidently upset and unable to say why. Why would you come to me if you won't tell me what's wrong?
"Hey, hey, it's okay, you know what helps me when I'm upset?" she waited for me to look at her. "Speaking to Allah (SWT). Why don't you go upstairs to Khadra's room and let it all out? She's not home yet."
And that's what I did. I don't know if it was ten minutes or twenty or even forty minutes but I only stopped when Khadra came into the room. She was stripped of all her outerwear; no abaya and no hijab, just a long sleeve top and a pair of jeans. Had she come into her room and changed without me knowing? She must have noticed my questioning mind but somehow misread it too.
"Oh, sorry, I wouldn't have disturbed you but Dula Bhai has been blowing up your phone for ages. He won't stop calling and messaging," she answered.
I had accidently left my phone downstairs before I came into her room earlier. Khadra handed me my phone as it began to ring again. I let it go to voicemail and checked the time. Oh, it had only been six minutes. Why did it feel so much longer?
"When did you get in?" I asked, placing my phone next to me on the prayer mat.
"Only about two minutes ago. Aren't you going to answer that?" She took a seat on her bed.
I wanted to answer, I really did. But the emotions were too raw. I was angry. I was upset. I was in pain. I just needed time.
"I didn't hear you come into the room to change your clothes."
"Oh, I didn't come upstairs. Mum called and told me you were in my room and to leave you to it so I just took everything off downstairs, I had these on underneath already." She pointed to her outfit. "No one's home anyway so it's fine. I wasn't going to disturb you but you have like fifteen missed calls."
"Where's Khala?" I raised an eyebrow. I felt guilty ignoring her about the phone calls but I wasn't ready.
"She was running late to her appointment."
"Oh my gosh, did I stop her?" realisation hit me and the guilt began.
"Don't worry about that." She patted the spot on the bed next to her. "Come here. What happened?"
And I did tell her. I told her what happened after she left with Aaliyah and I told her more. I even told her things she already knew, right down to my childhood, but this time I told her how it all made me feel. Khadra listened without interruption, which was usually very hard for her because she was very expressive
"Allah (SWT) does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear," Khadra quoted a verse from the Qur'an.
"Khadra, can I tell you the truth?"
"Go on..." she prompted.
"I haven't been that good," I admitted, lowering my gaze with shame.
"What do you mean?" She tilted her head, clueless as to what I had meant.
"When people go through hardship, they turn to Allah (SWT), right? I just... I don't know, Khadra, I just felt so disconnected. I wanted to but I just... didn't have the energy to, if that makes sense. I just couldn't be bothered. I lost the whole enjoyment of worshipping Allah (SWT). I prayed because I have to and I, even, sort of, lost interest in reading the Qur'an until I met Aaliyah, to be honest, and that was not much either. Khadra, there was a time, no matter what was happening, I was content, content with the Qadr of Allah (SWT) but it had gotten to the point that I had lost all hope..." I explained, fidgeting with my fingers, refusing to look at her.
"Hafeezah," she sighed but when I didn't look at her even after that, she placed her hands on either side of my face and forced me to look up. "It's not too late."
I shrugged.
"Don't give up."
"I've been trying." She held my gaze.
"Hefeezah, I love you and I'll be damned if we don't both end up in Jannah together!" She stated, flicking my nose. Suddenly she broke out into a smile. "Do you remember when we were little and we were talking about Jannah with your Mum? When she told us that we can have anything we possibly wanted and you said that you're going to ask Allah (SWT) to make your house and all your surroundings out of jelly. Everything will wibble wobble and you can just jump around everywhere and eat everything in your path, even your house. Then when you've eaten it all, Allah (SWT) will just make it for you all over again."
I laughed "Why did I even like jelly that much? And you wanted a 15-foot-tall rabbit that will take you wherever you wanted to go and it was going to help me get to the roof of my house so I could eat that too."
"Why were we such weird kids?" she chuckled, slapping her thigh.
We continued to laugh until a snort came out of my throat, then laughed even harder until my phone rang again.
Eijaz's name flashed across my screen, which dampened my mood again.
"Answer it," Khadra prompted.
"I really don't want to," I moaned.
"It's okay, I'm here. Put it on loudspeaker and if he says anything annoying or upsetting, I will give him a piece of my mind," she encouraged.
I sighed in defeat, she was not going to let this go.
Just as I was about to answer, it stopped.
"I guess I'm too late," I shrugged.
The phone rang again.
"It must be important."
With that, I answered.
I barely managed to greet him on the phone before he spoke.
"Hafeezah, come quick, please! Mum has locked herself in the bathroom and is threatening to take her life, I don't know what to do!" Eijaz begged.
"What?" It wasn't that I didn't hear him, I just didn't know what to do with that information. My heart ached hearing the pain in his voice but I didn't know what to do.
I would be lying if I said I was surprised. I rolled my eyes. What is this woman not capable of?
Khadra gave me a nod, asking me what was going on. I put it on loudspeaker.
"Please, Hafeezah, I'm really worried. I don't know what she'll do to herself. She went in there with a lighter, you know that one we sometimes use to turn the stove on when it doesn't work, and oil." He sounded really desperate.
Khadra's eyes widened with shock.
"What's going on?" She mouthed.
I shrugged.
"Hello? Hafeezah, are you there?"
When I didn't say anything, Khadra snatched her phone from her hand.
"We'll be on our way," she answered before putting the phone down.
She jumped into action.
"I'm going downstairs to get ready. Aaliyah's downstairs, she'll come with us too. You get yourself together and come downstairs," she commanded.
"Khadra, what are you doing?" I asked, incredulously. I didn't want to go.
"Hafeezah, we have to go and help. Witch or no witch." It was obvious she was getting annoyed with me. "Didn't you hear your husband, he's on the verge of a breakdown? Let's go!"
"I..." I trailed off. I had no excuse. I just didn't want to face Mum.
"Oh forget this, no time to gather yourself. Come down now!" Khadra picked up my phone and pulled me up with the other, dragging me downstairs with her.
"She's just being dramatic, I'm sure," I reasoned. I was just tired of all the drama.
"And how do you know for sure?" She was angry now.
When we got downstairs, Aaliyah sat watching TV.
"Aaliyah, come on, Hafeezah's mother-in-law has locked herself in the bathroom and is threatening to kill herself. We need to go there now," Khadra demanded as she put on her abaya and hijab.
Aaliyah immediately jumped up and put on her hijab too. I frowned at the sight. Why was everyone reacting like this? Was I the only one that didn't care? Was I heartless for feeling this way?
I quickly made a du'a to keep Mum safe, scared that my heart really had died and there was no recompense for me to find my way back to Allah (SWT).
~~~
Khadra, Aaliyah, Eijaz and I stood outside the bathroom door, contemplating our next steps after countless knocking and calling out to Mum to come out. Our attempts were futile. All we could hear is Mum ranting from the other side.
"I never thought I would see the day my own son would treat me like this! Did I not carry him for nine months, sacrifice my own life for him and this is what he does? I'm going to kill myself. I have nothing to live for. If he kicks me out, I will die anyway, I might as well do the job now," Mum lamented.
"Mum, please, come out!" Eijaz said, cracks in his voice from the shouts earlier trying to get her out.
"I will not! You're so ungrateful. I should have ended this when I found out I was pregnant with you, then I wouldn't have had to face this day. Oh my life," she wept.
"Amma and Abba are on their way," I mumbled when I saw a text from Amma.
As soon as we arrived, Khadra told me to get in contact with my parents to see if they could help. I called my parents and Khadra called hers. Khala didn't pick up so she called Khalu who eventually picked up.
"Abba said he's going to pick Amma up after her appointment is done and come straight here since she's not picking up his call either," Khadra mentioned, giving us an update.
Eijaz began pacing back and forth along the hallway. His face was etched with worry that he barely paid attention to me.
"Dula Bhai, calm down, she'll be fine," Khadra commented. She took charge of the situation where Eijaz was too emotional, Aaliyah just stood awkwardly in the corner and I didn't know how to react.
"InShaaAllah," he whispered more to himself. I saw as his lips continued to move without words coming out and assumed he was making du'a.
Not long after, Amma and Abba arrived. They knocked and knocked on the door, trying to reason with Mum but to no avail. She continued to state her 'unfortunate circumstance'.
"You will all regret this day when I am no longer here because of your daughter!"
Abba gave me the side eye, screwing at me as if also blaming me for this situation.
"Hafeezah will not cause any more trouble, just come out," Abba made another attempt.
Mum scoffed. "She's made my life a living hell from the moment she entered our lives. It's either her or me!"
"See what you've done!" Abba grumbled at Amma. "This is all your fault for raising a daughter like her."
Although Aaliyah did not speak much, she immediately pulled me into a hug, wrapping her hands around my head as if trying to protect me from those words but the damage was already done.
"They don't mean that," she whispered to me.
"Stop it!" Khadra shouted at everyone. "There's no point in blaming anyone for anything. Let's just work together and get her out of there before she does something to herself."
Eijaz didn't say a word.
Half an hour later, Khala called Khadra saying they were on their way.
When Khala and Khalu eventually came, everyone except for Eijaz went to the living room to come up with a plan.
After several ideas going back and forth, Khalu and Abba came up with one that may just work.
"The bathroom window is open right?"
Khadra went to double-check by walking out the front door and looking up. Sure enough, the window was wide open, it's one of those windows that can open two ways depending on how you twist the handle. This time, it was open fully from the side, the window big enough for a person to climb through.
"Is there a ladder around here?" Khalu asked.
"I don't think so," I commented, almost understanding where this plan was going.
"We have one," Amma chipped in.
"I can quickly go get it," Abba groaned. I could tell he was annoyed that Amma practically volunteered him to go do something.
"Okay good, I'll come with you. We'll have to be really quiet and if we can get the ladder stable up to that window, someone can climb up there. Move the lighter and oil away and open the door. We can deal with everything else later."
And so the plan was put into action straight away.
While Khalu and Abba went to get the ladder, the rest of us went back upstairs. Amma pulled Eijaz away, into Mum's room, to explain the plan and when they returned, his face had a new sense of hope.
Khalu, Khala, Abba, Aaliyah and I were outside, helping to place the ladder against the wall while the others were upstairs, trying to keep Mum distracted and hopefully away from the window. When the ladder was in place, Khalu climbed the ladder. When he was almost at the window, Aaliyah and I decided to join the others upstairs.
In the time it took us to go upstairs, Khalu had already managed to get into the bathroom and there was a lot of commotion coming from inside.
"What's going on?" More than one person yelled, all over each other.
We could hear Khalu talk to Mum and Mum shouting back but because of all the noise from everyone, we couldn't exactly hear what was going on. The bathroom door did unlock eventually and out came a grumpy Mum and proud Khalu.
"All of you, leave me alone! You should have let me kill myself!"
"Mum, I promise, you don't have to go anywhere, just don't do anything to yourself."
My heart sank with disappointment. Where does that leave me, then?