Dear diary,
So... I kissed a boy. Like, I dunno, honestly. It just kind of...happened???
There's a week left for school to start. I'm kinda uneasy and also intimidated, and yeah, mostly nervous I think.
Karina comes over daily. We don't go to her house though, because her older brother is always studying, and he makes angry gestures and speaks something in Russian to her. I'm guessing he doesn't like us creating a mess and dressing up in her mum's clothes. Karina doesn't tell me what he says, but it's pretty obvious, isn't it? He doesn't want me to know what he's saying to her, so he says it in Russian.
I don't know. Siblings are weird.
I don't have one - and moments like these, I'm glad. But mostly, I'm not. I want a sibling, but that's okay now. I can't go all five-year-old mode and ask mum for a sibling. I like her company more anyways.
Karina, as usual, came over today and asked mum if she'd let me go to some get-together they're having. Almost all kids from her middle school are going to the same high school, and they decided to meet up before the year starts. Karina told me she knew a couple of people as well.
Mum was overjoyed, honestly. I get it, I don't step out, but it was pretty obvious by the way she was smiling. She wanted me to go. So I did.
Wore some funky-looking clothes, which were actually Karina's, and we went. Turns out, it was a fest of sorts. Maybe a carnival? Not the one shown in netflix shows (with alcohol and people hooking up) but it was almost like a school fair, just organised by our seniors.
People were having food and enjoying, creating a ruckus and music blasting loud, little stalls where we could buy stuff. It was a little out of my comfort zone, but for some reason, I really liked the vibe.
Karina (who went by Yoonjin as her Korean name) knew more than a couple of people. They were all nice and everything, but one of them mocked my accent. It's not something I can help, I told myself, but it was bugging me on and on.
They asked me where I was from, and I told them that we had moved here from England due to dad's work, and then they told me I'm English so I would be braver than others. No clue how they reached that conclusion?
I honestly didn't know how to respond, so I simply nodded. That was a mistake. They told me to go approach a guy and kiss him to prove that I was "brave". I just did a 'wtf' face because no way in hell was I going to kiss a dude I didn't even know the name of.
I told Karina there was no way I was gonna do it. Like - I get it, I've had boyfriends or whatever before but kissing a stranger is simply beyond me.
Karina told me she could find me a person and ask him to give me a favour because it'll make me look cool in front of the others and no one would bother me. I mean, it felt like a fair deal, because I didn't want to hear them mocking my accent one more time. It was annoying, really. And it would make me look cool also? I don't really remember what my thought process was at that moment, but for whatever reason, I said yes.
I mean... he was kinda cute so maybe he would want to hang out sometime? Probably not but.
Anyway, she took me to this group of dudes and told one of them, "Hey, this is my friend who just moved from England, and she needs some help. Would any of you want to?"
The said dude turned to me and asked me what I needed help with. "I've been told to kiss a stranger so... yeah," I was kinda awkward, but hey, I had like 5 dudes staring at me so I got nervous okay?
The said dude laughed. Like a genuine laugh. Not gonna lie, he looked super cute, eyes all scrunched up and pure joy on his face. Then he said, "I thought you needed help with some random thing but damn," he laughed some more, "Alright, I can help you."
Karina, the weirdo she is, chuckled and exclaimed something I couldn't figure out, and then this dude asked where I wanted to be smooched.
By that time, I wanted it to be done. Like done, finished, kicked out of my brain. So I just pecked him so quickly that he almost missed it. It wasn't even a proper kiss. Just closed lips touching another pair of closed lips. Felt like how kissing a mirror feels. A flat surface.
Then, I pulled Karina by her arm and ran as if someone was gonna bitch slap me.
Another one of my many mistakes was that I looked back at the group of boys, and noticed one's eyes blown wide as if he had just seen something surprising. His eyes were honestly so prominent... and it was unnerving.
Wanna know about another mistake?
I didn't ask for the name of the guy I kissed.
Another?
I think I violated his privacy and it didn't feel very consensual on his side... so I might have to apologise.
And the last one?
I think I should've kissed the friend with the wide starry eyes instead.
–현재
Dear diary,
It's six in the morning. I couldn't sleep the whole night.
The first day of school is this week. High schools here are different from back home. I'll be turning sixteen next month, and I'll graduate at 18. So three more years here, and I'm out of my parent's hair. I cannot wait.
I was thinking about everything in general, and like, I'm so confused. I just don't know what I'll be doing, my future plans, and even ideal college, a dream job or college funds. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do and it's actually eating me up from inside.
I had everything planned, but then we moved here and now I don't even know what opportunities I'm gonna have.
Karina told me that they don't have high school jobs here????? How am I supposed to fund my savings for college? She said that parents usually pay for their kids, and in return, you're supposed to take care of them and live with them till you start your own family. Everything is just new to me.
The actual reason why I couldn't fall asleep is... because of the kiss.
I mean, I don't think it can even be counted as an actual kiss but it was not the most consensual of them all so...
I don't know, I just have a lot of guilt about it. I feel sooooo bad.
Karina also told me that children aren't supposed to swear and be polite here. It's part of the culture.
It's bizarre. I don't reckon I'll be able to be the most humble of them all.
We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted. (I need to stop writing things as if I'm texting someone it's honestly embarrassing)
- 현재? 문현재? (which one looks better? Dad told me I should practice of me using my full name from now on. Help me.)
Dear diary,
Please tell me I am not at fault. I am not at fault. It's not my fault.
It's almost 4 in the morning and I can't fall asleep. I feel like I'm gonna faint.
It really isn't my fault, is it?
I was thinking about the carnival. I can't stop thinking about it. I wanted to tell Mum but I don't think I can. She's gonna get so disappointed in me for not getting the consent of that boy.
My hands are shaking as I am writing.
I asked Karina if it was okay, and she said it was. I'm so scared to go to school tomorrow. What if he files a complaint against me?
I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I hate that we moved. I absolutely don't like how I can't speak properly like a normal human, nor can I read fluently. Kids mock my accent and mum never goes out of the house.
Why did we move here, dear diary? Weren't we happy back home?
Home. I wanna go back home.
I don't like this country.
– 현재.
Dear diary,
Tomorrow is school. The first day. I got a uniform today. It's a blue checkered skirt and a white blouse. Third years get a coat which they have to wear daily. And second years have a tie. I'm not really sure what the first years have. Nothing sounds like a correct answer.
I also got my name tag. I was never fond of my Korean name but it does look good. During dinner, I asked mum if I could use my name instead of the Korean one and she said no because I am Korean and I have a two-syllable name which I should use. My name would be 이사벨. It's kinda funny looking ngl. But we're sticking with 문현재 only. Pity.
Karina doesn't use Karina as her name. For some reason, I thought she wrote her name as 카리나 haha. Her Korean name is Kang Yoonjin. Such a pretty name, just like her.
I AM TERRIFIED BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE BOY BUT ALSO BECAUSE I NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR YOU KNOW WHAT.
Sorry about that, just wanted to get it out.
Dad got me one of those fancy film cameras kids back at home have. It's literally so cool. I clicked one picture with mum and dad, which I'm supposed to send to develop in the studio. I will paste it here :)
I'm having mixed emotions about starting school. I don't want it to be a reality. In my mind, I'm still back at home, in England.
I'm gonna take pills tonight. I don't want to tell mum, because she'll get upset over nothing. I'm just taking a pill to go to bed. Because I need that 8-hour sleep if I wanna be presentable tomorrow.
I have to select subject classes tomorrow as well. Extracurriculars, in addition to the compulsory which is Korean. I know I'm gonna take English, but I don't wanna do maths or social science or Chinese characters or anything else. I know what I want to become when I grow up, and neither of these subjects helps.
Maybe I can take up linguistics and become an English teacher instead? That can be cool.
Dad also said we'll probably go to a Hagwon tomorrow after school. They're basically tuition centres for high schoolers for CSAT preparation. I feel scared.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed, we'll see what happens. Until then, dear diary,
–현재
Dear diary,
I am honestly so tired, but I need to make writing every day a habit.
First things first, I went to school. It wasn't something spectacular. Slightly average. Just went on about our first day, homeroom teachers, subject electives and class president. There's gonna be an election next week, and students are supposed to vote.
Karina asked me if I wanted to hang out with her friend group at a comic book store. I really wanted to go, but I said no because dad wanted us to go to a hagwon. When I came back home, he was busy and said that it would've been okay if I went with my friends. Well, he doesn't know that they're not my friends, but eventually, I need to make friends. Hanging out with Karina's friend group doesn't seem like a bad idea. After all, she's my friend. Maybe her friends would be interested in becoming mine as well.
Both mum and dad were working, so I told them I was going to a park nearby. Cherry blossoms are starting to bloom and I thought it'll be good to go for a walk.
I saw the star-eyed boy in the park. He was walking a fluffy white dog with him. He recognised me and waved at me, so I waved back. By the looks of it, he wanted to approach me, but maybe both of us were too shy to start the conversation.
It was so weird, we were taking a walk around the park together but not exactly together. It doesn't make sense, but like we were walking at the same pace but not really conversing. It was awkward. Very.
The kind of awkward where we both were glancing at one another but not really talking. The silence was thick and felt really weird. But hey, at least I was with someone other than Karina.
Don't get me wrong, I love her very much, but I feel like I need to open up my social circle. I just dunno how to.
Sometimes our gazes, and we shared a small smile each time.
But soon, it was getting dark and I had to go home, so I just waved him goodbye. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. It was a real genuine smile he gave me, showing his teeth. I'm pretty sure I looked like a banshee when I smiled back at him.
I took a picture of the cherry blossoms. And got them developed at a store while coming back home.
I stuck the one I took yesterday on yesterday's page, and I will stick the cherry blossoms at the end of this entry.
If you look closely, you can see the star-eyed boy's tuft of hair peeking in a corner of this picture. Silky smooth black hair.
And I still forgot to ask his name.
Maybe I should just peek at his name tag tomorrow, instead.
But I also kinda wanna talk to him.
–현재
Dear diary,
I found his name.
Jeon Jungkook.
Kinda read it on his name tag. He even smiled at me today, eyes all starry-eyed. Whenever he glanced in my direction during lunch, I wondered if even my eyes looked starry-eyed.
I have to go tho, I'm hiding in a cubicle as I write this. The lunch period will finish in a little while. I'll write more tonight.
–현재
Dear diary,
Guess who else's names I found?
Just one.
Cha Eunwoo.
The boy I kind of kissed at the carnival.
I'm inside the little cubicle in the girls' washroom. And he asked me if I was free this evening.
I kinda panicked seeing him, and so I ran off here. Need to apologise to him, still.
I will today. I will.
–현재.
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author's note:
kinda wanted to make this one a little bigger but i decided that i will separate out diary entries and the present as different chapters from now on so it would be less confusing.
(reminder: jungkook is the one reading hyunjae's diary entries, and if you forgot, they're currently sleeping in the same bed they once used to sleep in every day (because they were married (but they're not anymore (and maybe memories will resurface??? (and jungkook has no clue how much of a clusterfuck he's gotten himself into :D (love to see it honestly))))).
it's WAY past my bedtime and I've had a long day, so please feel free to ask any questions you have in the comments, and I'll answer.
i had something to write about CSATs because i did a lot of research about it, but I'm tired so pls Google it lmao.
"Hagwon" (학원) is the Korean language word for a for-profit private educational institute or school. Therefore, hagwons are essentially private language centres or academies operated like businesses apart from the South Korean public school system. (source: Google) As far as my research goes, a lot of students attend hagwons to improve their scores/grades.
cha eunwoo was actually going to be Jimin (i hate to become that person who uses other celebrities in their fic) but cha eunwoo was specifically mentioned by someone so show yourself (I'm looking at you, moon)
also, another person had asked on my mb and I'd told them that this chapter would be around 4 to 5k-ish, but it's just 2.7k i hope you understand and have a great day/night/dusk/dawn/literally anything else.
byeeeee x
(edit: I'm really not sure if "kiss xyz as a dare" was a thing during everyone's highschool years but it for sure was for mines. they usually targeted immigrants or people who've just moved - for fun. don't ask me lmao.)