Comment. On. The. Picture. Above. Please. I beg.
"I got the job~" Hisoka said as he walked into the Phantom troupe's current base.
"You know already?" Shalnark asked, "Doesn't it take, like, days to find out if you're hired or not?"
He only knows this because he did research. None of the Troupe members have ever had a real job.
"I thought that as well~" Hisoka began shuffling a deck of cards before continuing, "However, they asked me two questions and then hired me on the spot~"
"You threatened them."
"Surprisingly enough, I did not. They seemed quite desperate~"
"Yeah, you definitely threatened them." Phinks scoffed.
"You thinking I need to threaten my way into McDonald's is quite offensive~"
"Hisoka is, for once, telling the truth." Chrollo chimed in, not bothering to look away from his book. "They wouldn't miss the chance to hire a Ronald McDonald wannabe after all."
...
"Are you still upset about me winning Monopoly last night?~"
"You cheated and we all know it. Go fix your makeup or something."
Monopoly is said to ruin relationships. Maybe next time he won't cheat, watching them turn on each other would be a bit more fun.
—Finally, the thing you've all been waiting for! Drumroll please!🥁🥁🥁 Ronald McDonald's first day of working at McDonalds!—
"I'll be showing you how to do things today." Someone said as soon as Hisoka entered the store. Not even letting him set his purse and Gon plushie down.
Hisoka looked towards the direction the voice had come from. Unsurprised to see a teenage girl glaring at him. (I don't do descriptions bitch. Imagine anything from an UwU anime girl to a twenty foot tall octopus with a blender instead of a face. I don't care.) The teenage employee didn't want to be here and made that very clear with their mannerisms.
With a long, and overly dramatic sigh the employee spoke again "Tomorrow you're on your own, so pay some fucking attention."
"Well that's not very professional, is it~" Hisoka purred, leaning down towards the child. They were practically a baby, far to young to be working somewhere as absolutely dangerous as McDonald's.
"I will bite your hand off. I have rabies, so don't test me." The girl stood her ground, much to Hisoka's amusement.
Working here might be fun after all.
...
He takes that back.
The girl—who he still hasn't gotten the name of—had immediately began teaching him the 'proper' way to deal with customers. Managing to stay formal and still add in the minimum amount of snarky commentary needed for a teenage girl.
Which is a lot.
Though, McDonald's customers do have some of the strangest threats. To name of the few things people have yelled at Hisoka today,
"Fucking strawberry chapstick looking motherfucker! Let me into the play place!" -A 30 year old man, who Hisoka is quite sure is more of a pedophile than he is.
"You look like you are born permanently seasick, and was horribly disfigured in world war five." -An 8 year old.
"Not even Jesus Christ himself can save that pointy ass chin of yours. Fucking scalene triangle looking chin. Fucking Doritos looking chin." They didn't stop there, just so you're aware . That went on for the next twenty eight minutes and nineteen seconds. Also, this was from an 11 year old child.
"Michael Jackson pedophile behavior." -67 year old man. Hisoka wouldn't give him his French fries in a bucket.
"I hope you stick your dick in the garbage disposal for shots and giggles, but then some cat named Jinx comes in and turns it on and only 32% of your left testical remains." -A teenager who didn't get an ice cream cone. They face planted the floor and cried for three hours after that, and then a swarm of mice picked her up and carried her away.
"You are the type of person to- oh shit your eyes are pretty, hey sexy mama😍" -A thirteen year old, who then pulled out a ring pop and proposed.
Hisoka's married now.
The narrator would like to cut in and say that the reader can be their mommy or daddy or anything, y'know.. if they want.. (idk what I'm writing)
The manager gave him a raise for getting them a returning customer. And committing marriage fraud at the same time.
Said returning customer always tries to kill him to collect the inheritance. Hisoka doesn't know why they believe a McDonald's employee would have any money to inherit.
"Let me fix your goddamn Ice cream machine before I woman all of your face." -Some guy named Dave, who you are apparently not supposed to let near the ice cream machine at all costs, except on Wednesday afternoons between 3:06-3:12 pm, no earlier and no later.
Hisoka was also warned about the Cult Thursdays. Where cults will come in, rearrange the entire kitchen, repaint the Jesus Christ mural in the men's bathroom, into a slightly sluttier Jesus Christ, and then ritually sacrifice someone behind the deep fryer.
Shalnark, Phinks, and Machi came into the McDonald's to watch Hisoka struggle.
They were very disappointed to see three people fighting for his hand in marriage, and one person begging to, and I quote, "suck his pretty little toes."
They were slightly more entertained to see a different McDonald's employee threaten to face fuck a French fry that fell on the floor.
And even more entertained for the "The Floor Is Mice!" game.
Where someone shouts it, and then a bunch of mice flood the floor, crawling up walls and tables, taking every loose thing (people included) off the floor, and sometimes taking entire tables full of people with them, and then disappearing into the night.
Hisoka told them that was the cleaning crew, and that they're paid in human remains.
When they all, unfortunately Hisoka included, got back to the base, and Chrollo asked them how things went, Shalnark and Phinks looked at each other, and then broke down laughing, until they were crying on the floor.
Even Machi laughed a bit, but was much more stable about it.
Everyone questioned Hisoka on what happened, and all he did was give them a small hum and a shrug.
After Shalnark and Phinks recovered, the troupe asked them what happened, and they giggled a bit but were mostly fine to answer this time.
Until Hisoka whispered something in their ears and they both started cackling and running for high ground like it was the floor is lava or something.
Hisoka just hummed, sitting on a wooden crate, pouring baking soda around him in a large circle around the crate "Just in case"
None of the four, because Machi used her ability to sling shot herself to the ceiling while everyone was distracted with Phinks and Shalnark, touched the floor for the next three hours.
The majority of the troupe agreed that they had to go to McDonald's the next day.
Hisoka also casually slipped into conversation that he got an eight dollar raise, and was now making $7.50 an hour.
While most of the troupe were questioning how he got a raise, Chrollo was questioning if, logically speaking, he should have sex with Hisoka. For the bit.
Oh, did you think anyone would mention the incorrect math? Nope. The only person who knows how to do math in hxh is Knuckle from the Chimera Ant Arc.
Word count: 1345
• Some of these chapters will have decent writing, and then others will be a complete mess that will make even autocorrect cry as it desperately tries to fix my spelling. This just adds to the charm(there is no charm whatsoever)
• I have run across the issue where I wrote half this chapter in like the end of 2022, and half this chapter in 2024 and now I'm tryna make it make sense but it no no work
• Me, logically thinking: proofread chapters, and fic old writing style to new one
Me, remembering what fic this is: "lol, nah, it's already better than they deserve"
Also the Narrator is infected with the Hisoka disease so👍