The next morning I take my sweet time making breakfast. Not ready to face him after what I said to him yesterday. Even if I knew it wasn't bad and he really needed to hear that I'm sure he didn't like it one bit.
Asking for help is never easy, I know it well because I went through something like that not long ago. You think you have everything under control, that you don't need anyone because you are strong enough.
And when someone extends their hand to help you up you act as if you hadn't seen it and try to stand up on your own. But we all need help sometimes and it's when you start to understand it that you get better.
So I won't stop until he understands it.
Putting some french toast over the tray and a coffee I go up to his room.
"Carlos? I brought you breakfast can I come in?" I knock on the door to the best of my ability without letting go of the tray.
Waiting for an answer that doesn't come I notice that I can't hear the sound of the news on tv. He usually watches them in the morning while having breakfast. But this time it's pure silence.
"Carlos?" I knock again but he still doesn't reply. Maybe he is still sleeping but he usually wakes up around this time. "I'm going in, just to make sure everything is okay," I say as I open the door carefully.
To my surprise he is awake. Resting on the bed and watching something on his phone. Which means that he didn't answer because he simply felt like it. I knew he would be upset because of what happened yesterday. Embarrassed that I saw him that way and probably angry about what I said. But I thought he would at least behave as the adult he is.
"Could have answered me back, I thought something might be wrong," I say as calmly as possible and put the food on the table next to his bed.
Once again he doesn't speak, just stares at his phone. Whatever he is watching must be so entertaining.
"Fine, I will go, eat your food at least." I turn around and go towards the door.
"Can you help me remove the bandages?" His sudden and unexpected question makes me stop right in my tracks.
"What?" I turn around a little confused.
"My bandages, I would like to see my leg." He repeats, finally looking at me with a look I hadn't seen before.
I find myself staring at him, still trying to figure out if he is messing with me or is actually serious.
"Yesterday, you said that we all need help sometimes, well, I'm asking now. Could you help me?" He repeats as if he knew I was having trouble believing it.
"Of course." I finally get myself out of the shock and get close to him. "How do you want to do it?"
He looks down at his legs and then back at me. Probably trying to figure out the best way to do this. But I can tell he is having a hard time deciding. Mostly because we both know there's no best way to do this.
"What if I take off the bandages on your right leg first and then you see if you want to continue?" I ask, trying to help him up.
"Yeah okay, do that." He nods slowly.
Smiling at him in the form of an answer I walk to the end of the bed and slowly start to remove the bandages on his right leg.
"What you will see might look a little bad because of the scars but it is healing nicely." I keep removing the bandages all the way to his foot. Not once he looks away but then again this is the "easy" one.
He studies his right leg up and down and then moves to the left one that is still hidden under the bandages.
"You can wait if you aren't ready yet, it's totally fine," I say and he looks back at me.
"I'm ready, remove them." He says firmly.
"Okay." I put my fingers around the bandages on his left leg and take them off really slowly. Making sure I don't hurt him in the slightest.
This time he is not looking as I remove them. His eyes are closed. And the look on his face tells you exactly how hard this is for him. How hard he is trying. How vulnerable he must feel.
"Describe it to me." He says softly. His voice shook a little making my heart ache for him.
"The residual limp is just under the knee, the scar is closed with black stitches, and the area is still inflamed but also healing nicely." I try to explain it as well as possible.
"Thank you." He still doesn't open his eyes.
"If you want to do this alone, I can leave," I add in case he prefers to do this on his own.
"No, please stay." He shakes his head softly.
"Okay." I walk up to him.
Without really thinking it through I put my hand over his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him and feel his shoulders relaxing under my touch.
"I'm here, whenever you are ready," I whisper.
Nodding with his eyes still closed he puts his hands over the bed and closes his fists over the sheets. His shoulders became tense once again. So this time I put my free hand over his own and squat down next to him.
"It's okay," I tell him softly, looking at his troubled expression. "Open them, and look at me first."
Slowly he opens his eyes and looks directly at mine. The difference between them so noticeable, deep blue against deep brown.
And like this, his eyes looked more beautiful than they had ever looked before. Because this time they hold all different kinds of emotions, emotions he doesn't allow himself to feel or show.
"You can do it." I smile and his gaze moves to my lips for just a second before looking down at his leg.
I don't let go of his hand as he stares at the spot where his leg used to be. He looks up and down continuously, starting at his thigh and going down to a little farther from his knee where the stump is. Then he moves from his right leg to the left one. Comparing them. This time his face doesn't give away anything he is thinking.
"I, I still feel my leg." He mutters almost to himself.
"That's called phantom limb sensation, it happens often. No one really knows why it does but they have theories like the brain mixing up signals or trying to adjust to the detachment." I explain as he keeps studying his leg.
"Feeling pain is normal too?" He asks.
"It is, you will feel it for a while." I don't know if I should be the one explaining this to him, I should call Danielle or my dad but I also don't want to leave him.
"How do I stop it?" He keeps asking.
"You can make it better with medication and different forms of therapy." I try to reply as accurately and simply as possible. "My dad or Danielle would probably explain this better, do you want me to call them?"
"No, not yet." He shakes his head and I notice that I still hadn't let go of his hand and that he hadn't moved away from my touch either.
"Okay. Just tell me when you want me to call them." I step back finally letting go of him and making him look between me and his now free hand.
As he keeps staring I think that maybe I shouldn't have touched him, it wasn't professional. Keeping a certain distance from patients is necessary and I had just stepped over that boundary. But no one should go through this alone. And I don't feel embarrassed for trying to comfort him.
"Thank you, Mia." His words stop my overthinking right away. "For staying by my side and making this whole thing easier."
I can tell by the way he says it that he doesn't only mean this exact moment but me taking care of him for these last few weeks. And I can also tell how hard it is for him to say that because he is finally admitting to himself that he needs help.
"There's nothing to thank, I'm happy to help." I don't mention that it is my job to help because by now I think we both know that any other person would have left. If I'm staying it's because of him. Because I actually want to help him.
His gaze softens slightly as he nods in my direction.
"Could you put the bandages back on? I think I have had enough for today." He rests himself against the bed.
"Of course." I walk up to the end of the bed and put some clean bandages over both of his legs. "Done."
"Thank you." He says once more. "I think I need a moment alone now, later I will like you to call your dad so he can explain my options." He takes the forgotten tray filled with breakfast that I had left on his table.
A part of me wishes he would tell me to call Danielle but I understand why he didn't. He probably needs more time and I respect that.
"Okay, I will be in the kitchen. Call me when you need me." I give him one last smile before leaving the room.
Author's note
As always if you are here ty for reading and don't forget to vote!
So here it is, I'm really trying my best with this story and after writing this chapter a few times and finally liking the outcome I think my writers block is slowly disappearing. I'm gonna try to update more often and see if i like the way this is going.
Hope you all liked this chapter bc it's the first one I like in a while lol.
Also I wanted Carlos seeing his leg to come a little later but I didn't know what to write so I had to use this idea now. Hope it's not too fast paced. Tho I don't think so.
Ly all,
Maria