Part 2 to she knew
Normally don't mention word count but its like 5449 😂. So it's long.
Tw:self harm, mental illness
Flashback age 12
I felt someone threw something at me and I picked it up. I looked at the person who threw it and she walked over to me.
"I heard you were an orphan. You don't look like it though... " she mumbled as she looked at me.
"I'm not an orphan, I have parents. "
"They aren't your real ones though are they? I mean you look nothing like your sister. With your blond hair and all. " she took a strand of my hair as she said that.
"I don't even know you so please go. " I pushed her hand away from my hair and threw the paper in the trash before going back to my seat.
The bell rang and it was math class. Never really liked it and I don't think I ever will. I huffed and I caught sight of my hair. I picked up a strand and looked at it. It was blond not as blond as it was when I was younger but blond. And my eyes were green.
I wondered if these were my dads or my moms features. My biological ones...
I let go of my hair and shook it off. It doesn't matter. I have my parents and their my everything. My bio parents are only the ones who gave me life. They didn't raise me so it doesn't matter.
I saw the color drain out of Lizzie's face the second I asked that. She drove for abit more and parked where she could.
She turned to me. "What? "
I sighed and looked ahead. "Why'd you leave me? I didn't really want to know since I didn't care but since your here now I want to know the reason. Since curiosity is getting the best of me. " I said that last sentence with a smile.
"What are you talking about Evelyn. "
"I heard you crying and talking about how she'd never forgive you. How she'd hate you. How it'd be better for her not to know. I'm guessing that her is me since Robbie said my name. So since I know now tell me. "
I turned back to her and looked her dead in the eyes. "Why'd you leave me Elizabeth? "
She didn't say anything. So I talked, "I don't resent you. I mean it's not like I grew up in an abusive household or anything. I have a loving family that supports my dreams enough to send me here. But I just want to know the reason. I mean you aren't broke or anything. And you and Robbie are still married so why? "
She took in a shakey breath and turned forward. She rested her head on the steering wheel and took deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself.
I felt bad. She looked like she was about to burst so I felt bad for asking. I cleared my throat. "It's fine, I'm ganna go take the bus now. " I said and opened the car door but she held onto my arm.
"I'll tell you. " she said her voice shakey.
"I'll tell you the reason. "
2006
Robbie was out so I was alone with Evelyn. My new born, everyone calls her an angel and she really is. She really looks like an angel. But whenever I look at her I want to cry.
I don't know why, I'm supposed to be happy but why am I crying.
I stroked her little hand while I breastfeed her. I could feel my breath start to become shakey but I didn't want that.
I didn't want to cry but I could help it. So tears fell. I cried as I breastfeed my baby. She was staring at me while I cried.
"I'm sorry. " I mumbled. "I'm so sorry... " I said but the tears didn't stop. I kept wiping them as they came down. They weren't in my control anymore.
I put my hand over mouth to silence my sobs. I looked down and Evelyn was still sucking. I was shaking but she was still drinking her milk.
I eventually felt her latch off and I burped her and put her in front of me.
I put my hands over my eyes and stayed like that until I calmed down. I took my hand off my eyes and took deep breaths then looked down at Evelyn.
I put my hand over her chest and felt her tiny heartbeat. I could feel her chest go up and down as well. Up down up down.
I cleared my throat my slowly picked her up and put her in the basinet next to me. I just watched her as she slept.
I layed in bed and put the blanket over me.
I stayed under the blanket. It was warm and closed off so it was dark. I couldn't really breathe much but it was fine since I wasn't suffocating.
I closed my eyes and let sleep take over me slowly...
I opened my eyes once again to cries. I knew it was Evelyn but I didn't want to stand up. I put my hands over my ears but she cried. She cried and cried.
After around 5 minutes guilt took over me and I quickly sat up to see her in her basinet. Her face was all red from crying.
I picked her up and she slowly calmed down. I put my lips on her cheek and gave her a pec.
I didn't know what else to do for her forgiveness. But she probably doesn't even know about what I did. She just cried for someone but I ignored her but she doesn't know that.
"Are you hungry? " I asked and turned to the clock. We slept for around 3 hours so yes it was time to feed her.
I pulled my top down again and let her latch on. I didn't cry this time but I was still sleepy.
Robbie was closer to Evelyn at least it seemed so. He's more active with her he would pick her up and talk to her. He would be the one to wake up at night to feed her the milk I pumped. He seemed more involved. I only cared for her while he was gone during the day like right now. I'm only here because he's gone. Otherwise I'd only stare. I'd just stare at him doing all this.
We both wanted her even though were young so I don't know whats wrong with me. I truly don't know.
●
"I'm home... " Robbie said as he entered the room with a smile. I smiled back.
His eyes went to the basinet next to me and he walked over. He put some alcohol on his hands and slowly picked her up. "Are you okay? " I nodded. He asked this question every time he came home.
He didn't ask about her first like I expect him to. He asks about he. He asks me if I'm okay. I always give him the same answer. That I'm alright.
"And how are you my angel. Were you good to mommy? " he asked Evelyn as he took her hand.
He looked so close to her in this moment. I don't do that with her. All I said to her was that I was sorry.
●
It's been 2 months since Evelyn was born. I feel nothing when I look at her. Which I feel guilty for. I want to feel for her. She's my daughter, I created her and she did nothing wrong but I don't.
I just don't feel anything towards her except for one thing. Guilt. I feel guilty for not loving her, not giving her the love of a mother. Because I can't give it to her.
I feel even more guilty because I didn't breastfeed her last time. Because I couldn't, Robbie had to make her a bottle of formula to feed her.
I feel so guilty...
●
I sat in front of the window as Robbie took care of Evelyn. Like always...
She was 4 months old now and I feel further apart from her then before. I don't breastfeed her anymore. I only pump her her milk or she just uses formula when I don't.
I haven't touched her in a month. I laugh when I think of that but I'm scared of touching her. When Robbie's out even though Im home someone comes to take care of her which makes me even more guilty.
But I'm scared of touching her. I just can't...
I just stare at her from a distance as she's taken care of. It feels and looks like she doesn't have a mother.
I haven't filled the role of a mother towards her for weeks.
I don't feed her, I don't comfort her,I don't talk or take care of her. I don't do anything for her.
All I do is look at her. Just stare at her little body.
She sometimes cried and doesn't shut up. No matter what Robbie or my mom does she doesn't shut up. They would tell me to hold her saying things like she wants and misses her mothers smell and touch.
But I don't want to, I don't...
Then one day Robbie just took one of my shirts from my closet and wrapped it around her. It seemed to fix her non stop cries.
But again, I felt nothing towards her. I was witnessing her love and her longing for me yet I couldn't feel anything towards her.
Robbie eventually made me go to therapy saying he was worried and he wanted me to get better. For myself, for him and for her.
Since as they said, I was living like a porcelain doll. Sitting in the corner and just staring at my surroundings.
I only ate as much as I needed to keep myself alive and slept most of the day. Because I felt tired and time passed quickly when I slept.
So for the sake of Robbie I went but it didn't really do much.
It didn't help at all, they gave me anti depressants to help but it didn't fix the problems between me and her.
All it did was make me feel sick so I stopped taking them.
They asked me everything and my feelings. The therapist that is. I told them how I felt nothing towards her and all that except for one thing.
I haven't said it to anyone nor have I thought about it that much.
I didn't tell them the reasons for me being scared of her. But, when I held her before it sometimes felt like someone was whispering something in my ear or touching me.
Even though there wasn't anyone anywhere. I felt like there was someone there. Someone telling me to do something that would end in the worst possible outcome ever.
The things it would whisper didn't always come when I held Evelyn. When I wasn't holding her it would tell me to do something else as I looked at her.
But I felt like the thing it told me to do while I held her was worse.
I felt guilty hiding this from my therapist and felt like I was making things worse. I would just tell them the same thing every session even though I was having different voices in my head when I looked at her.
Then I did it, I did the thing the voice told me to.
I didn't do anything to Evelyn the first time.
I just woke up one night and went to the bathroom I looked through the drawers and found the scissors.
I took them out of its box and looked at them for a moment.
I chose the best area for what I was about to do so no one would see it.
I wasn't going to do it alot. It only told me to try it. Just try it...
So I chose the under of my arm. The part close to the armpit. It seemed to be the best area. I took out some bandaids so I didn't have blood everywhere after.
I lifted my arm and opened them I held them open and did it.
I could feel it sting as it went through my skin but I didn't really feel bad. It felt nice. But...
I made 2 lines and immediately put them down. I cursed to myself as I realized what I had just done. I could feel the tears collecting as I cleaned and patch it up.
I put the scissors under water and aiped them dry then put them back in its box.
I left the bathroom and saw Robbie feeding Evelyn. I didn't even hear any crying. Was I in there for that long...
He looked at me in the dark and I could see him smile. I just went back to bed and stared at Evelyn as she sucked the bottle.
"Why's she drinking at this time? "
"She feel asleep before I could feed her if you remember. So she was hungry and woke up. " he said and I nodded.
I rubbed my arm as I looked at her. Now that I've done what it wanted me to, to myself. It was her turn.
●
"I need to go to the studio. I'll call your mom and she'll be here in abit okay. " Robbie said as he got ready. I nodded. I left our bedroom and went into the Nursery.
I closed the door and locked the door and just stared at Evelyn who was sitting up. I walked over to her crib and looked down at her.
I stared directly into her big green eyes. For the first time in weeks I reached down to pick her up.
I saw one of my tops in the corner of her crib as I did.
I just looked at her for a moment as she was in my arms.
I stroked her head. I took alittle bit of her sent in and kissed her little cheek.
I didn't notice I was crying until I saw one of my tears drop onto her head.
I wiped my tears away and smiled. "I'm sorry... " I mumbled.
I took her arm and squeezed it. I squeezed it harder and I heard her whine. I squeezed it harder until she started to cry.
I heard footsteps but I didn't stop. I just squeezed her arm like I was squeezing out a very hard lemon.
Just squeeze. She cried even louder but she didn't move. She just screamed. "Lizzie! " I heard Robbie yell as he banged on the door.
"Lizzie! " he yelled again. I could hear him start to hit the door.
By the time the door flung open. Evelyn was crying her eyes out and tears were just going down my face.
I didn't make a sound and just squeezed her arm until Robbie snatched her off me.
I looked at him as he comforted Evelyn and looked at her arm.
It was red and was starting to form a bruise. I heard a sob leave my mouth which made me feel guilty for what I've done.
I did something so cruel. So cruel.
"After that day, I was confined to my room. They tried to make me better but I always either cried or just cried silently while I tried to hurt you when I saw you.
When I didn't get better you went to our friends we met a year or so back. They were in a different place but Robbie didn't have the heart to divorce me and he wanted you to be loved and cared for while still being in his reach.
I got into a psych ward for around a month. Because since you were gone all I did was try and harm myself. So Robbie couldn't leave me alone.
After staying there for a month and alot of therapy I got better.
Of course the scars didn't leave my body but I got better. I still have flashbacks of those moments when I hear a baby cry though.
By the time I got better you were around 1 years old. You were happy and saw them as your mom and dad at that point. I didn't want to ruin your life by taking you back.
And I was still scared of hurting you even though I was better. So we just let you be with them.
They would send updates like vidoes and pictures. They would write stuff about you.
We were happy when we saw you happy. So it wasn't Robbie's fault that we gave you away. I was the sole reason."
I didn't say a word as she talked. I was shocked and saddened. I was sad that she had to suffer.
I understood her so I didn't blame her for what she did to me. I mean I'm fine aren't I.
"I'm truly sorry Evelyn. " she said again.
"I'm just going to take the bus. Thank you for telling me. " I said and got out the car.
●
"Evelyn! " I heard someone yell and I looked up from my foot. "You've been in the same position for 5 minutes. " she said and I looked at my feet to see that I'm still holding the ribbons.
"Ah yes. " I said and quickly put it around my foot. "Seriously what's with you today. "
"Nothing, I'll warm up then. " I said and stood up. I just practiced until the sun went down. I was still at the studio until 11pm.
I didn't feel like going home. But I couldn't stay at the studio all night.
It's not a hotel, so I walked to the bus stop and went home.
I opened the door the downstairs was empty. It was dark.
I took my shoes off and went upstairs. I could see light coming through the crack on Lizzie and Robbie's door.
I walked over to it and saw Lizzie sitting on her bed with a box of medicine. Robbie didn't seem to be home.
She sighed and put the medicine box on the bedside table.
I opened her door and she looked up at me. "Aren't you going to take them? " I asked.
She turned to look at them then turned back to me. "I will." She said and I nodded. "Then, take them please. "
She chuckled and nodded. She took out 2 pills and swolled them and opened her mouth. "Goodnight Ev. " she said afterwards and I nodded.
"Goodnight." I went to my room and put my bag down and went into the bathroom.
I filled the bath up and went in after it was full. I just sat in there in silence.
The water was hot, it was nice and relaxing. I got out after the water went cold and dried my body off.
I went in bed and just rolled around in it. I was tired but I couldn't sleep for the death of me. My pills had ran out to so I'm done.
I sat up and took my phone with me. I headed to Lizzie's room remembering what she said while we, talked about the reasons.
Maybe that would help. I don't care, I just want to sleep.
I opened the door and saw her sleeping figure. I bit my lip and turned to her closet then looked back at her. I walked in and closed the door.
I slowly walked over to her bed and sat on it. I got under the duvet and touched her top.
I got closer and I got a hint of her scent. It was nice and comforting in a way. I just held onto her top and put my phone on the bedside table. I closed my eyes and slowly but surely I fell asleep.
●
I opened my eyes to the damn sun hitting them. I hate when this happens. I looked around and saw Lizzie in her closet. She got out as she was putting her top on. "Good morning. " she said with a smile. Her eyes were abit puffy and red. Maybe it's because I slept here.
Or maybe its something else. Who knows. "Morning, sorry for sleeping here. I just couldn't sleep and I had ran out of my pills. " I said sitting up.
"It's okay. "
"I didn't ask but where's Robbie?"
"Ah he's on tour. " she said which confused me. "He's part of a band and their on tour. " she said and I nodded.
Band... "I see, I'll head to my room then. "
"Shall we chat. You didn't eat dinner or anything yesterday right. You must be hungry. "
I shook my head. "I'm not hungry, it's fine. "
"But you should eat. Eating so little isn't healthy for you. "
I laughed "Your acting like mom acts, she used to scold me so much for not eating enough. " I looked up at her face with a smile but noticed a sad expression on her face.
I didn't mean to sadden her. I was just...
"I'm sorry. " I said. "You didn't do anything wrong, and your moms right eating so little isn't healthy. So how about we have breakfast together. "
I nodded. "Sure let's eat together. "
By the time I went downstairs I could see Lizzie making some pancakes. I sat down in front of the plate that had 3 pancakes on them.
She put the last one on her plate and sat down as well. We ate in silence.
After I finished I just went back upstairs to get my backpack. "I'll be off to school now. " I said as I went downstairs.
I put my shoes on without even doing the lace and left.
I walked to the bus stop and sat on it. I crouched down and did my laces and thought about what to do.
●
It's been 2 weeks since Lizzie told me the reason. It's been awkward. She didn't ask me to talk and just waited. Robbie was finally back from his tour and we all sat in the living room as I asked them to.
I sat across fron them and eyed them.
"So as you both now know. I know the truth and I've thought about what to do. I don't resent you. Especially Lizzie, I don't resent you at all. I get it I understand. But as you both said I have a family. I have a loving mother and father. I have a sister that I love even though we fight. So I'd still like to be with them. But I don't want you both to be erased from my life either.
I'd like to give you both a chance at it. I bet you'd both be wonderful. After this is all finished I'll probably be shipped to another country again. Because I worked my ass off for it. But while I'm here.
I hope we can all be a big happy family. I mean having 2 dads and 2 moms would be really fun. "
They both cried though Lizzie cried more. I smiled as they hugged me tight. It was nice and comforting.
●
"To your work? " I asked Lizzie as she put her hair up in a bun. She nodded.
"Well since you switched to homeschooling and don't have practice today how about you come see me work. You've already went with your dad to his studio so suppose its my turn. "
I smiled "Sure sounds fun. I'd rather come with you then die of boredom anyway. "
Like that we were out. We were on our way to where Lizzie worked. I've asked what she does for a living but she just smiled. I mean for all I know she could be a drug dealer or a mafia queen or something.
But we went to place full of trailers and cars. It looked like a set and it clicked.
She could be a director or an actress. Like someone famous.
My friends tell me I live under a rock since I know nothing and thats true. I truly don't know anything. When I'm on my phone I look at my practices to see any minor mistakes or any mistakes.
I listen to music watch shit about my classes or just watch anything that comes in front of me. I don't have social media. I mean I do but it just sits there and I only go on to like the posts my friends post.
"Are you an actor? " I asked and she nodded.
"Are you like big?"
She laughed "have you ever heard of like marvel or something. " she asked as she put her hands on my shoulders.
I shrugged, "I saw some billboards and my friends would talk about it at times but I never really watched or payed attention to it."
"Well, I play a character in those movies. So were here to film darling. " she said as she started walking forward.
"So are you like, famous? Should I get your autograph and sell it or your clothes." I said with a smile.
She giggled "Suppose. But let's not sell my shirts baby. "
we both laughed as we walked over to her trailer. There was a lady standing in front and Lizzie walked ahead of my to talk to her.
"Say hi hunny. "
"Hi, I'm Evelyn. " I said and reached my hand out. She shook it "I'm Elizabeth's manager nice to meet you Evelyn. Elizabeth, their ready for you to come. " she said and she walked away.
"As you can see I am needed, Uh you can walk around or you can sit in my trailer. Of course you can come with me as well. "
I looked around and decided to walk around.
She told me to call her when I'm bored or when I need something and I started to wander around.
I stumbled across the area where a bunch of people were sitting. I could see some actors as well since they were in costume and had makeup on. Like fake blood.
"Excuse me. " someone suddenly said behind me which made me flinch. I turned around and was greeted by a man who was uh. Red...
"Hi I'm sorry I'm just looking around. Uh my um... " I got stuck mid sentence since I didn't know how to introduce Lizzie.
I felt like if I said auntie it would make her feel sad. But I wasn't ready to say mom either. "I'm wit-"
"Evelyn! " I heard Lizzie's voice ahead and I looked over and saw her in a red suit. "I'm with her. " I said pointing towards her and the man turned around.
"Lizzie."
"Yes, uh this is Evelyn, she's our... She's our friends daughter. She's here for school and she's staying at our house and wanted to come. "
The man nodded and smiled. "Nice to meet you Evelyn. I'm Paul. " he said in a British accent which was cool.
I've always liked the British accent.
"Yes, he plays a robot and my characters lover. " Lizzie said.
"Well he technically isn-"
"Well he is a synthezoid my bad. " Lizzie cut him off.
"Your characters inlove with a robot?" I asked and she nodded.
I just nodded with a hmm. "Elizabeth, Paul! " They yelled behind us.
"Ev, we need to go film now. My chairs right around the corner and you can sit there just be quite okay hun. " she said and I nodded.
I looked around for her chair and found it, I walked over and sat on it and watched everyone. It seemed like a dramatic scene. Paul was crying. Lizzie was crying.
But later on after Lizzie's shots were done she was just smiling behind rhe scenes while Paul died again.
It was funny honesty. And I felt like this is kind of like spoilers isn't it. Oh well, I don't watch anything anyway. I don't even know their characters name. The only ones I know are captain America, iron man and spider man.
And a few more since I see them on kids clothes.
●
After Lizzie was finished. She got out of costume and makeup and we were going back home.
●
It was currently 2 am and I couldn't sleep like always. I didn't want to take a pill even though I got a refill. So I took one of my cardigans and went downstairs.
I unlocked the garden door and went outside and sat on the glass like last time. I looked up and just stared at the sky. The dark and pretty sky.
"Evelyn? " I heard a voice say behind me after while and I looked back to see Lizzie.
"What are you doing here at this hour? " she asked as she walked over to me.
"I couldn't sleep. And the sky is pretty, its comforting out here. " I said with a smile before looking back up.
I heard a sigh and then she sat beside me. We both looked up in silence before I broke it. "And why are you here? " I asked.
"I came to get water. " she said and I nodded.
I leaned onto her shoulder which shocked her but she didn't say anything.
"Hey, thank you for everything. Truly, I hope you don't blame yourself because of what happened in the past. You would've been a great mom Liz. So don't blame yourself for such things."
She giggled. "I won't hunny. "
"You don't do anything to yourself now right? " I asked.
"I stopped years ago. I'm all healthy now, I just take medicine for percussion. "
"Taking medicine doesn't mean your fully better but I'm glad your okay now. "
I said lifting my head from her shoulder. "Can I see? " I asked. She unzipped her hoodie revealing the shirt under. She lifted the sleeve abit to reveal a row of cuts.
Some fainter then others. And some more apparent. They were all close together.
A part of me felt guilty for it. Because if I hadn't been born she wouldn't have had such a mental sickness. And her body wouldn't have such scars.
But I wasn't going to say that to her.
I looked back up at her and smiled. I hugged her and took her scent in. And she was warm.
"I love you... " I said. It wa true I truly did love her.
Even though we've only known each other for afew months I love her and wish the best for her.
I want her to be happy and forget all the painful events that happened in the past.
Everything that resulted in scars in her heart. I want my mom to be the happiest person in the word because she deserves it.
I pulled away and looked her in the eyes with a smile. "Let's pretend like what I'm about to say is my first word okay. "
She nodded.
"I love you mommy. " I said with eyes that started to fill with tears. And she laughed as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"I love you to baby. " she said and hugged me again.
At this exact moment I knew that I wouldn't ever be able to live away from them again.
2 years laterr
I walked out and looked around for mommy. I went to my moms and now I'm at my mommy's. Lizzie's..
I spotted them and lifted my hand.
"Mom! " I yelled as I ran towards them with my bags dragging behind me.
I hugged both mom and dad so tight. "I missed you both so so so much! " I said with a smile.
"We missed you to hunny. Oh you've grown so much. " mom said as she pushed some hair out my face.
"And have you lost weight. You look like you've lost weight since we last saw you at your performance. "
"Oh come on mommy. Mom already told me these things."
"Well were both mothers and were right."
"Yes your mothers are right. " dad added.
I just laughed.
I got in between them and dad held onto my bags as we walked to the luggage pick up.
"Your staying for 5 months right. " said said to confirm.
"Yup! I'm here for 5 months then I go back. So let's spend as much time together. Dad I hope you don't have anything to produce and dear mother. Let's hope you don't have any projects. Sorry for your fans and all but I need my parents. "
They both laughed and confirmed that they kept their schedules completely empty for me.
I was happy mom was happy and dad was happy. Even my other family is happy. We all miss each other but we love it when were together.
Finished 😎 actually had no idea on how to end this lmao.