Pain.
What is pain? What does pain mean? Where does he comes from? What triggers it?
Pain, an unpleasant feeling or sensation. Whether it is caused physically or psychologically, it leaves a lasting mark in both areas.
When we fall and hurt ourselves, we get to know that pain and, at best, pay attention to our surroundings. This pain can spread differently. From a burning, a stinging to a numbness. We cry, scream, despair or play strong. We suffer. We need help.
Emotional pain can be treated just like physical pain. Injuries that lie deep within us are treated extensively with a specialist trained person.
But there are also pains that cannot be treated. There is pain that you have to live with, because the medicine of the time cannot heal it, or because the emotional pain is too strong, or the human brain processes things differently than we usually assume.
The brain is still unrecognized in so many areas. What can we do? How is everything entangled? Where are our memories? What happens when memories overlap? What happens when you no longer recognize reality? What happens when everything goes numb? What happens when you lose yourself?
Pain is such a broad concept. Everyone feels and feels differently.
And what about fear? What is fear? Does fear come from the pain?
Is it fear that alarms us because we don't want to feel pain.
Fear. Be afraid of something. Restless nervous actions up to the isolation of certain stimuli.
Fear is something that comes when you already know the coming pain. We don't want pain. Fear is an instinct that helps us survive.
Fear, pain, suffering.
Bucky saw that expression. He saw fear. He felt it in the air. He saw it in Tony's eyes.
Bucky felt the pain. His cheek was still glowing from Steve's punch. But compared to what normal people were feeling, Bucky could handle it. They were both Super Soldiers. Bucky could take it. It would be nothing from anyone else. But Steve was like him and Steve was angry.
But Tony? Tony doesn't. Tony felt fear. Afraid of the pain. Bucky recognized that.
It broke his heart.What pain triggered such fear in Tony.Tony was rigid, shaking, trembling internally.
Bucky couldn't cheer him up, much as he wanted to. He didn't know how. What should he do. He couldn't get to him. Before he could reach his hand, Tony was Stark again.Stark straightened and turned away from Bucky.
But before Bucky walked through the lab and probably left forever, there was one more thing he wanted to tell him. He wanted Tony to know he would be there for him. Always. But what if he bothered him instead of helping him.
With his words, he might lose him forever. How selfish of him, Bucky thought. But he did it anyway.
With heavy steps and holding his breath, he left the workshop.
Should that be it?
His cheek was still burning but Bucky pushed it away. This pain would go away. He took the elevator up to the living area. No sign of Steve. No noise to be heard.
It was restlessly quiet. It was uncomfortable. it was lonely.
Bucky knocked gently on Steve's door. "Stevie? Listen buddy, that just...I know I should have held me back, not just because of the story at the past. You know in this old russian base. It's because of You and Tony. Do you hear? I'm sorry... Steve?"
Bucky opened the door, expecting another fist to hit his face, but there was no one there. Even worse - everything was gone. His things were all gone. He was gone.
"Steve, that's not you," Bucky whispered into the room, hoping Steve could still hear him.
It wasn't right to run from it. That wasn't a solution. Steve wasn't that kind of person. He ran towards the people. No matter how big and strong they are. No matter how loudly they opened their mouths, Steve rebuked them. They all. Even if he had suffered from it.
But something was different this time. What if he can't forgive himself. What if he can't face himself.
What happened... happened. Nothing can change that.
And as much as Bucky would like to remember everything about Siberia, he can't. From the moment Iron Man shot his arm off to the moment Steve picked him up off the ground, it was all gone. He looked blurry at the cold concrete floor and heard a loud bang. But he didn't know what had happened between them. Steve didn't talk to him about it. Neither in Wakanda nor after.
Steve closed himself off. Above all. Even in front of his oldest best friend.
That wasn't Steve. He wasn't really like that, Bucky knew.
But not only Steve was different than usual, Bucky was too and so was Tony.
If you can believe the stories. He was different before he became Iron Man. Before he became an Avenger. Before he pulled into a fight against Captain America. Before he came back from Siberia. He was different. A little more each time. And each time something more of him was missing.
Steve was different too. He had lost so much. His time, his friends, his past life. But what prevented him from starting a new life?
Each of you has seen things, done things, lost people. Each of you had your own pack to carry. Great responsibility towards his country, the world and his own life.
Each of them felt fear, pain and suffering. But maybe also hope?
Bucky sat down on Steve's cleaned bed. There was nothing personal about it anymore. It was like a regular bed. Ready for the next guest. Like in a hotel. Nothing left behind. As if no one had ever touched it.
Bucky leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees, and buried his face.
What had he done? Was it wrong?
No! It felt right. If only for a blink of an eye. Bucky had to try. He wanted that kind of relationship with Tony. He had confessed that to him before.
But Steve's reaction brought not only a slight smile to Bucky's face but also shock, fear and pain in Tony.
Bucky wanted to draw out Steve's fighting spirit. But that's not why he kissed Tony. It was because he really liked him. It was because he really wanted him. It was because he really wanted to be with him.
But everything turned out differently. As always. That was life.
Bucky never wanted to fall off the train. He never wanted to be kidnapped by Hydra. He never wanted to be a killer. But now he is here. Has experienced all this and needs to move one. He must. For himself. For the world. For the hope of a better future. And for Steve. For Tony.
Steve brought out something in Tony that scared him. Even Bucky was afraid of how Tony react to Steves behavior. What had Steve done to him?
Bucky recognized the fear in Tony's eyes. He had seen this many times in the eyes of his victims. He had seen the fear in Tony's father and mother. He felt her pain. Each. He feels the pain deep in his chest for every life he took. And there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was keep going, doing better. Save as many lives as possible.
A knock on the door frame pulled him out of his circle of thoughts and for a brief moment Bucky looked hopefully towards the open door. But with just one look, he immediately sat back, his excitement fading. But his heart was still pounding loudly in his chest. Who was he expecting at the door?
The brown-haired boy in his blue hoodie, with a white shirt peeking out, stood worried at the door. His eyes wandered around the room.
Bucky sighed heavily. He liked the boy. He was like a younger version of Tony. Only without a sharp tongue, he thought.
Peter was very important to Tony. And so he wanted to take Peter into his heart as well. That wasn't difficult for him either. Despite the angry looks at the beginning and the cynical sentences he made towards Bucky, Peter was just adorable in his own way.
He was fully behind Tony. Indeed, he liked him. He looked up at him. Bucky could understand that very well. He even endorsed it.
At least someone who didn't hurt Tony. Someone Tony can count on.
But what was the boy doing up here? Even before Bucky could ask, Peter answered his inner question.
"Mr. Stark works hard in his workshop and doesn't want to be disturbed. At least that's what FRIDAY told me. It looks like he locked himself in the lab. Isn't the first time to be honest." Peter reported with his head bowed.
Peter cautiously entered the empty room and ran a hand over the empty desk that Steve had been using until recently.
"I knew something was going to happen. That's why I was so against it."
Peter looked around melancholy."They say you should be careful what you wish for."
He liked Steve and he hated him. He wanted to be in this avengers family. But they were split and Tony broken.
The room was the same as before. Steve disappeared so quickly and yet nothing in this room showed any chaos. Nothing was messed up. Everything was in the right place. Everything that seemed to have no personal value.
Peter noticed an open drawer and opened it. Curious, he took out a forgotten sketchbook and leafed through it without showing Bucky.
"FRIDAY told me I would find Mr. Barnes in Steve's former quarters. I didn't want to believe it at first...but it's really empty."
Peter closed the sketchbook.
"So he really left." He sighed sadly.
"Didn't even leave a note,. Bucky added, disappointed.
"What happened?" The boy looked intently at Bucky with his innocent brown eyes.
But the ex-sergeant did not know how to answer. He wanted to be honest. No lies, no games, no other me. Just Bucky. What was left of James Buchanan Barnes and the Winter Soldier. Just him as he is here right now.
"I kissed him. Steve saw it and hit me on the ground. I think...Tony got terrified."
"Did you hurt him?"
"NO! Never again!" Bucky replied sternly to himself.
"Did he hurt him?" Peter asked in a slightly angry voice.
"No. Not at that moment. He left after Tony tried to stop him."
"Do you like him?"
Bucky pulled himself off the bed, stood up, approached Peter and looked down at him intently."Yes I do. I really do."
"Then make sure he doesn't hurt him. Please." Peter placed the sketchbook in Bucky's metallic hand.
"Mr. Stark has been through so much and still got up again and again. I don't know what happened in Siberia, but it changed so many things. I know that despite everything, he will always stand by him. Please help him."
Bucky looked at the boy in confusion. Trying to follow his words.
"If you really like him, help him. I want Mr. Stark to be able to laugh again."
The rain pounded against the window panes. The cloudy sky turned the large room into a gloomy grey.
Peter shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his hoodie and bowed his head in shyness.
"A friend once told me that even if things had turned out differently, deep down you are who you are. You love who you love. That's sucks. Sometimes. Mr. Stark is a good man. And even if his experiences had been different, he certainly would have become the great person he is now."
"I know that." Bucky smiled. In the short time that he was allowed to get to know him, he could see it quite clearly. Care for the world, love for his friends, hope to reunite his family.
Peter looked out the window, which only gave a blurry view of the outside world.
"Do you think you would feel the same way about him if you hadn't woken up? I mean...you as the Winter Soldier?"
Peter didn't know exactly how to put it, he thought about how to finish his sentence. It was an odd question and Bucky didn't know what was going on with that boy at that moment.
Peter shook his head shyly. "Oh forget it. What if's and all that... after all, it's useless."
Bucky gingerly put his hand on Peter's shoulder and turned him around.
"Honestly...I don't know. But if your friend is right. Then I'm sure I would like Stark too. The way he is"
"What do I do, if I find this Wade Wilson from our world and he doesn't see me like the other one do?" Peter started to sob.
Something was weighing heavily on the boys shoulder and Bucky was perhaps the only one who could be there for him right now. Instead of Tony. For Tony. For Peter.
Bucky hugged the boy tightly. He didn't know how to take Peter's words, but he knew he needed comfort.
"Is Wade the friend who told you that?"
Peter nodded, buried his face deep in Bucky's chest. The boy seemed so fragile at that moment. He'd had to fight him before and he had to admit how incredibly agile, fast and clever he was. The boy alone managed to stop the Soldier. And as strong and innocent as he was, he believed his soul needed protection.
"Why would Wade say something like that?"
Bucky tried to be empathetic, but first he had to try to understand what was troubling the boy in his arms. Solving other people's problems wasn't his top forte. But in the old days, he believed, when Steve was smaller and more delicate, he certainly could. Now so many things are different. But he wanted to help Peter.
"What exactly do you mean when you say Wade Wilson from this world and Wade Wilson from another?"
Peter shook his head.
"Can't you tell me?"
Peter mumbled something into Bucky's shirt. But the boy pressed himself so against him that Bucky couldn't understand him along with his sobs. The tall, clumsy man grabbed Peter's shoulders and tried to pull him away from him. Peter reluctantly took a step back, avoiding Bucky's eyes.
"Wade...so that man in the red and black suit...well he...he's from...another world."
"From another planet?" Bucky asked, unsure.
"No..." Peter continued to sob and tears ran down his face. Bucky wiped the tears from his cheeks with his warm human hand.
"He's from another reality." Peter's tears seemed unstoppable. "And he has to go back. He can't stay here, he said. There might be a Wade here in our World too, one like him. One, who may not have become like him right now, he said. One like him that maybe...just maybe...too..." Peter paused. He couldn't finish his sentence and leaned against Bucky's chest again.
What should he do? Peter seemed so helpless. But one thing was clear to Bucky, he had to stand by him. Help him. At least now and here and if that meant just hugging him all day long. Just be with him.
He put the sketchbook on the table and sat down with Peter on the cleaned bed
They sat there for some time until Peter's sobs stopped. Exhausted from his tears.
"Yeah, I think so," Bucky said after some thought.
Peter looked up questionably.
"I firmly believe that deep down we are the same person. It doesn't matter from which world. Even if I were still the Winter Soldier. Surely I would admire Stark as much as I do now. Even if this Wade were different and he got to know you, he would definitely like you too. I want to believe in it. So you believe in it too. Believe in him, if he means as much to you. Everything will be fine for sure."
Undoubtedly, Peter was just adorable. How could anyone not see the sparkle and kindness in him.
The taller dark haired man's words warmed Peter's heart. And he felt a glimmer of hope. Even if Wade disappeared and the other Wade appeared in front of him, he would give everything to get to know him again. With all his quirks, all his ironic sayings, all his jokes and all his problems. He would try everything to make him crazy to the spider like the current Wade does.
But as soon as Bucky looked into the boy's hopeful eyes, he immediately felt uneasy. His head is spinning back and forth. What exactly does that mean, another reality.
"Peter...?" Bucky asked the boy in a serious voice, trying to slightly push him away. He felt a certain fear rise up inside him. The fear of a coming threat.
"What exactly do you mean by another reality? Where is this Wade from? What does that mean?"
Startled and slightly nervous, Peter fiddled with the hem of his hoodie.
"I don't really know either. But this is was he told me. His world is different. It may look similar to ours, but things are different. There are people, superheroes, who don't exist here or don't exist yet. It could be some kind of time space transport he went through. He said he only remembers falling through something and suddenly waking up here. I don't know anymore either." Peter paused for a moment and tried to put the fragments together for himself, until a possible realization emerged in him. "Could this be the beginning of a threat?" Peter asked worried.
"Possibly," Bucky agreed. "Listen, can you bring your friend over here? We need to talk to him about it. Preferably with Tony."
"I can try." Peter took his phone out of his pocket and looked for the unknown number that called him once. "But what about Mr. Stark?" Peter gasped, alarmed.
Tony wasn't in good shape. He hid in his workshop and nothing seemed to get near him. But for what was to come he needed a clear head. For what was possibly to come, he needed Tony's brilliant mind.
"I'll take care of that. Don't worry about that. You get Wade over here and I'll get Tony out of there."
Peter nodded emphatically, put his phone to his ear and left the room.
Bucky saw the sketchbook lying on the table. Peter's words were still ringing in his ears. Save him.
Looking through the pages, it quickly became clear what Bucky already knew. But now he had it in black and white. What would happen if he gave it to Tony. What would become of them? What would that mean for Bucky and Tony?
But maybe that's never the point. Maybe it wasn't about winning Tony over. It's just about finding each other again. Together with everyone again. And that's only possible with Steve and Tony. Maybe this all was just to open their eyes.
And even more important than that was being able to work together again. To be able to rely on each other again.
Bucky made a the decision with a heavy heart.
It was clear that he would probably never have a chance. Not just because Tony was spending more time with Steve in the past, or they met when they were on the same page, or because Steve didn't kill Tony's parents.
But because something connected them. Because something was just between them that they couldn't see themselves or didn't want to see. From the start.
Not because of Howard Stark. Not because of Peggy Carter. Not because of the Avengers.
But simply because they were who they were.
Bucky had to open their eyes. There was no other way.
He was to blame for this discord. He was to blame for their fight. He was to blame for this breakup. He was to blame for their reunion and he had broken them up again.
Squinting his eyes and clenching his fleshly fist, he left the soulless room.
He had to show him. Whatever Tony decided, he had to see it. He had to understand it, otherwise he couldn't continue. Don't finish with his pain.
Tony needed to get rid of this shadow hanging over him. Shake it loose, rip it off. Turn to the light. Find his smile back.
He had to fight that fear. Ease the pain.
Bucky would stand by him. At any time with every fiber.
But only Tony himself could fight it together with Steve.
They had to be ready. Both would have to open up their heart for that. There was no other way.
Bucky would show him.
The forgotten sketchbook that held Steve's heart.
His whole world.