He waited for a moment as her words sank in. His gaze faltered to the ground before he lifted them up to meet with hers, "We are not close to each other that we carry each other's secrets, Ruh." He bent towards her ears and whispered. However, the word he used to call her was enough to say otherwise. A smile twitched the corner of her mouth but Ayat straightened it before he could see it.
Taking a step back and pushing him by his chest, her eyes fell on the silver chain that went deeper beneath his kurta, tugging closer to his heart, "Your pendent says otherwise." She could see the outlines of his round shaped resin locket from above his dress. This was the game– this was the dangerous game they had brought upon themselves. To feel and then to ignore.
His jaw ticked for the second time, announcing that he neared his defeat. He could accept defeat from her because she was all that mattered, "The bracelet-'' He stopped.
He stopped because he couldn't continue with his words, for he knew they would betray him. The anguish he felt at that moment was even more torturous than what he went through in the past. The feeling of not being able to hold his love when he could see her eyes speak the language of love poisoned his soul. It was slowly killing him. What was to happen when he told her about all those he learned and fled with? What was to happen when he would tell him that her parents were dead? What was to happen when he told her that the man she presumed to be dead was very much alive? What was to happen when she would know all those years she spent alone mourning were in vain. She would end her or she would end the world.
"Ruh," A strained whisper left his mouth as he stepped closer, holding her elbows to keep her from recoiling and pulling her closer to his chest. He held her. He held her closer to his heart as it throbbed from inside its cage, it beat loudly that even Ayat could feel it against her chest, "Oh Ruh,"
His breath was now ragged and shaky, he was trembling against her. Resting her head against the side of his face, Ayat spread her arms around his back and clutched the cloth of his kurta. No matter the distance, no matter the consuming feeling, no matter the ache, they needed each other. They needed each other to melt so they could reform more lethal than before, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept repeating the same words until she pulled out of his hold, having enough of it.
She then stepped closer, tracing the strand of hair astray on his forehead and pushing it back only did she cup his face and dared to look into his eyes, "What is it, Yazdan?"
"What is it that you're so bent on hiding from me?"
That was when Fayd got back to his senses and suddenly her touch burned his skin. He pulled away from her and breathed hard. This ache he felt at that moment would swallow him one day. He closed his eyes shut to stop the tears from flowing down. How was he going to live after betraying the only woman he loved all his life? When she was the only person he thought in times of tortures and agony, when they ambushed him, when they almost killed him.
His hand instinctively rested over his chest, punching at it and coughing– he coughed for more air to fill his lungs. And it was when he realized that the paper he had balled in his fist was no longer there. His eyes flew open and raked all over the ground but then a chuckle– a dry chuckle retrieved his attention on her, "Ayat no!" He warned as he got closer to her in careful steps.
"Guess, I've already read it, " She stopped, her face burning all of a sudden, "This was my bait to lure you in, Fayd Malik, but I didn't know it was this deep." She hurled the paper away from her grasp.
"What are you doing? Why are you doing this to me? I trusted you. I, of all people, trusted you!" The accusation in her voice was like the glass that cut through his skin. A glass that he tore away from his skin after having it stuck on his hand for hours. The pain he felt then and the pain he felt now were very much alike.
"Open your mouth and speak up. Defend yourself, don't stand still, Fayd Yazdan Malik, your silence is scarring me." She pleaded. She had made him her prayer. Him and everything about him became her prayers. She didn't want to name the feeling she had felt since she found out and she was only getting close to naming it and this was not the time she wanted it to come at her.
"I will do the honor." Their faces shot up to the direction where the voice arose from. The blood in his veins dried after having seen him there, for whenever he opened his mouth, he only brought pain to him.
"Who are you?" Ayat asked.
"Khalid sahb nahi," Fayd roared, getting ready to lunge at him. Khalid sahb had already ruined so many things for Fayd but ruining things with Ayat would be his own doing. He knew that– he, with his whole existence, knew that but he wanted someone to blame his fate with. He wanted someone to take blame for whatever that was happening with him.
"She deserves to know, Fayd." The older man smiled as though it was no big thing.
"You don't deserve to tell her." Fayd grinded his jaws together as rage started to flow through his veins, obscuring his mind and putting a blind before his eyes. This was the Fayd Huzaifa feared– the one with an underlying beast.
"Neither do you."
"You put me in this. You!" He blamed Khalid sahb. He was the only person he could blame now that Adil was gone.
"Okay then tell her that her parents are never coming back, that they are dead." Fayd opened his mouth only to shut it back as he took a brief glance at the lady of his heart. She staggered back and composed herself when he reached for help. She looked up at him with questions, with tears that still lingered in the corners of her eyes.
"Tell her that her father killed himself a day after his wife's demise. Tell her that you know all of it. Tell her that the one with threats was hired." Fayd was losing it and the beast that lurked in him was slowly crawling out his skin. His body trembled with anger, his eyes red and teary, sweat beading on his face, veins popping out.
"Who are you?" But before Fayd could stride at him, Ayat held him back by his hands.
"I thought you'd figure it out since I'm standing in your cousin's wedding venue. I have been a very close friend to the Wajdani twins." And that was the last bullet he shot at their direction before he made his way back to the banquet.
And when her grip around his wrist loosened, he lost it and launched himself to the ground on knees. He wanted to cry. He wanted to wail. He wanted to scream. He wanted to let it go. The cause of his pain was her and the betrayal he had done to her. Never in the course did he think it would hurt so much. He escaped to escape this pain but it was now caging him. He brought his hands to his face and cried. Cold fingers were placed over his fingers, taking them away from his face.
She had kneeled in front of him. The tears now drenching her tinted cheeks and her maroon lips. She cried. She cried because she realized that she held love for the man that betrayed her, her trust and her love. The day Ayat Wajdani realized her love for him was the day she learnt he betrayed her in the worst ways possible. And by the looks of it, she could tell it was not it.
"There's more to it, isn't it?" She asked. Her voice, as soft as butter and fragile as bubbles.
He croaked out another cry, "Mujhe maaf kardo."
This was what he asked for when he asked her to forgive him when he would fall on knees in front of her. But the thing was, she too had fallen on her knees for him. The things– the odd things that love made them do. The zardosi work on her dress chafed the insides of her palm as she clutched it tightly in her fist. She wanted to reach out to him to wipe his tears, to caress his hair, to trace his cheek, to hide away in his arms and even though he was only a few inches away, he felt worlds apart– like he was made for her but not for this world. Like he would be hers but not in this world.
"Hazar khoon maaf, dhoka nahi." The chain of her bracelet entangled with her dress as she rubbed the insides of her wrist to stop feeling hot.
Fayd didn't meet her eyes but scooted closer taking her hand in his as he focused on detaching the bracelet from her intricately designed outfit, "Jaanta hon."
"You don't have an excuse, do you?"
"No." He mumbled slowly because he hadn't had one. He might use his job for an excuse but deciding to keep things from her wasn't required, it was his choice. He chose it.
Ayat pulled her hand back from his hold, "You will clean up this mess."
Taken aback, Fayd looked up at her, "What?"
"I understand it was your choice to hide my secrets from me which are ugly by the way, but I have doubts on something. You help me know it, you're forgiven and can part ways from me."
"Help you with what? You already have a handful of people who went behind your back and did you dirty."
Shit. He regretted his words quite immediately after seeing her face morphing into something he had witnessed when he met her in the cafeteria– when she was yelling at the employees. He had pushed the wrong button, he could say.
"Remind me to never be kind to a random kid in the park," She said, rising on her feet. The night was going to be hurtful, she knew at least that much the moment he sat in the middle and played the piano, "Remind me to never trust again, Fayd Malik." Grabbing her purse from the ground, she exhaled, trying to let go of what stabbed her heart.
"You've done me enough, however, I need you to do one last thing for me." And in that moment, they burned in the fire he ignited. A fire that was unnecessarily kindled. A fire that crept into their senses. A fire that would reduce them to ashes.
"Why have you kept your scar a secret?" She voiced her thoughts. Her eyes lining the long scar and by the time she voiced them, he was already on his feet and getting ready to leave from there. He had asked for forgiveness because he was wrong but he wouldn't go around telling people about the tales of his survival and look weak. He had done enough for an entire lifetime.
"Keeping everything in secret is literally what I do for a living." He snapped. His behavior, getting out of hand.
"We have come far from that, Yazdan." She deadpanned.
It left him with a chuckle, "If I can hide your secrets from you, I can certainly hide mine, don't you think?" The cut– everything behind the scar was a secret because it entwined with outrageous words he could never stand with. He wasn't ashamed to hide it from others, he wasn't interested in repeating the words either. He would rather be buried than to repeat what he had been told by a group of dominant white teenagers.
~
"That's not fair, aapi!" Faryal whined to her elder sister as she returned the card to the stack to pick a new one. Daniya looked at her sister as she threw her card back on the table, leaning against the chair. Fayd, being the most uninterested of all, placed the cards on the table, getting ready to leave. After the ceremony was over and the couple was sent to their room, Faryal felt like playing a game since everyone she had grown up with was present there and Ayat being the addition.
"All is fair because I can't do this anymore, I am dead tired." Daniya got up from her chair to leave when Faryal tugged her wrist– trying to look innocent so she would sit back.
"Chobees saal ki ho Faryal, bachi na bano. Ham sab ne kaam pe jaana hai subah." Faryal's face as well as the hand that tugged her sister fell.
"Daniya." Fayd stressed on her name, showing his displeasure. Daniya spared him a look for a split second and turned her gaze back to her sister.
"Fine, play something else." She slumped on her chair, rolling her eyes at Fayd.
Ayat found the relationship between the Wajdani kids and Malik kids amusing. Sure, they grew up in the shades of each other but it still felt so new, she, too, had grown up with Asher but in the end she only fell in love with him. The relationship between them was so real.
"Okay I'll start. Literature!" Faryal jumped on the chance she got.
Huzaifa was quick to respond, "Shakespeare. Urdu."
"Ghazal, food." Ahsan clapped his thigh excitedly, remembering the time when they all would come together to play it at his home during winter breaks only for his mother's kahwa.
"McDonald's. Thrift store." It was Daniya's turn
"Samara." Samara– Fayd's younger sister widened her eyes to the shape of balls, knowing the meaning behind Farhan's words. They continued playing for three more rounds and Fayd remained absentminded for the entire time. His fingers drawing circles in his seat, clearly unconcerned about anything else.
Ayat was there– Ayat was still there even after he walked out on her and that bugged him considering the fact that it was not her usual behavior, she would have clawed at him for doing so to her. She was surprisingly calm, taking part in the game as though nothing had happened between them a few hours ago, munching on treats every now and then.
He looked down, withdrawing his hands to his lap and clenching them together. The noise had been drawled out from the room and everything around him was gone leaving him and his thoughts alone. In his thoughts, he was thinking about the ways he would confess. In his thoughts, he was thinking about how they could have at least remained friends if he hadn't messed up. In his thoughts, he was raking his brain to get answers for what she told him earlier. She didn't need his help for anything. He had resolved everything.
He had told to not worry about Abbas anymore and that he wouldn't bother her again. He had someone go behind Abbas before he returned to America and tipped him off so he wouldn't say a word about hiring. He had burned everything regarding the investigation the evening he went to meet her. As he was leaving, he made sure he left nothing behind and Khalid sahb was the last person he thought would ruin it for him. When his mother almost forced him to attend his own friend's wedding, he didn't think Ayat would be there for she once told him about how she didn't want to do anything with her chacha's family. He had gone to the very extent where he laid his self respect at Isaa's feet while begging him to keep Khalid sahb away from Ayat's life.
"Qurbat!" Farhan passed his word to Samara who was thinking of it. For a person who barely knew the meaning of it, she really tried to come up with something when,
"Ruh," Fayd replied, distracted, drilling everyone's curiosity. The giggles and laughs died down as they stared at him cluelessly, excluding only one from them. The one that did know the meaning behind his almost cryptic words curled her fist under the table. He was making it hard for her after denouncing what they almost had.
He came back to reality when he accidentally gazed at his younger sister who looked back at him in disbelief. Her brother was never into such things. Her brother rarely even opened his mouth at home and when he did, he ranted logical shit, "Really, akhi?"
He didn't get a chance to say back to her when they heard a chair screech and a familiar fragrance thinned. Ayat was now walking away to avoid his reply to his sister and that was the moment he realised to get it straight. So what if they were going to seperate ways after he was done with whatever, she would still live in heart only he wouldn't accept to marry anyone like last time. He would spend the rest of his life looking after her affairs from far away.
Her maroon dupatta trailed behind her now that she got rid of her heels and walked barefoot in the house. The trailing of her dupatta made way for him as he slowly followed her out. She was meaning to sit alone for a while and he knew he was overstepping but he– they needed that at that moment. Nothing was going to be okay if he kept stretching it. She told him to clean his mess and so he would.
Ayat sat near the bay window, her hands resting over her knees as she heaved a heavy sigh and stared blankly into whatever was ahead her eyes. She had been hurting throughout the evening. She fell in love when she thought she wouldn't. She fell in love with the boy she met in her early age– the boy who had always lived in the back of her heart, in a place where only loved ones were allowed. She fell in love and hadn't seen a way to soar back up. She was breaking because betrayal was not in her list. How was she the only one to be betrayed by everyone she loved? Was her fate that cursed?
She winced when the weight of jhumka pulled her earlobes resulting her in removing them and placing them aside. She wanted peace, she wanted to reach out to the breeze that surpassed the defeat and had been dancing since. She wanted to reach out the dead leaves on the trees.
Spring is already here? She wondered because in the end of the day, she could only wonder about the changes.
And then a weight shifted behind her and a silhouette followed, his forest green kurta coming into her sight. His spice and wood scent gradually creeping in her nostrils. The tip of his nose had turned red, making the spot on it look more prominent than before. She wanted to laugh at the details she had of him. His hair all over his face and his eyes, bereft of moisture. This was the Fayd that lived in America, much drier than the one from Pakistan. His shoulders sagged as he dropped to his knees in front of her. This time not to apologize but to comfort her.
He took her hands from her knees and cupped his own face, closing his eyes. Ayat could feel his breath going shallow and his silence muttering more truths and less lies, "Kya karogi agar main tumse kahun main tumhe pasand karta hon?"
"Jahan ham khare hain wahan muhabbat izhar karne ke liye koi jagah nahi rahi, Yazdan. Waise bhi muhabbat me dhoke nahi hote."
"Muhabbat toh apne me hi ek dhoka hai." The shivering in his voice was so palpable.
"Dhoke ko dhoke se maarte hain, agar main yeh cheez aazma lun toh?" A tear so hot fell over the tip of her fingers and his grip around her hand tightened.
"Har saza, aziyat aur hijrat. Sab manzur hai mujhe." That's how she knew he would be contended with life or death if she was the one to give it to him.
▪︎
❝Ujale apni yaadon ko hamare saath rehne do
Na jaane kis gali me zindagi ki shaam ho jaye.❞