Mamihlapinatapei
(Yaghan)
noun
A non-verbal exchange between two people who both desire to initiate something but are hesitant to act on it.
"I would've never recognized Curtis without all that hair," I murmur to myself, following Rathi to the kitchen.
"Were did you see him before?" she asks.
I shrug. "Only on the record covers."
"So you checked him out." She shoves a bundle of cilantro at my chest, slamming shut the fridge she just pulled it out of.
I shrug, catching the greens shortly from falling to the kitchen floor.
"We haven't talked in a while. Catch me up." She levels me with a glare. "And do not bullshit me. You're a bad liar."
I hold that little bundle as if it might overflow in my arms. It doesn't and I busy myself by plucking a mushy looking stem out of the bunch. "Went to Minjerribah for the junior qualifier. Emma did well. She-"
"I know that."
"Right," I drawl, setting the cilantro down on a cutting board.
"Did he go with you?"
"Who?"
"Santa," my friend huffs with exasperation. "Mason of course."
I focus hard on my cutting task. "Mmh-hmm."
"What happened between you two?"
Well, where do I start? Oh yeah, after three – almost four – years of not wanting to date and feeling nothing for guys, I met this cocky, sexy guitarist at the airport. In the matter of only a couple months, he blazed an irreversible path into my life and we kissed when I was drunk one night, kickstarting everything. He offered me a frenemies-with-benefits situation I agreed to before he went down on me only a day later and shattered my world. Then, about a week or so ago, we had amazing sex followed by a mental freak-out by yours truly which we talked about, agreeing on not being able to keep things casual between us. So, we went on one date, during which I felt all the right things – all the butterflies and tingles and shivers. And now we're dating for real and I strongly believe that I'm falling in love with him. Oh, and he dry-humped me into another orgasmic dimension just this morning. So, to cut it short – I'm lost.
I stare at the green stems and leaves in front of me like they're able to provide me with the proper words to explain all this to her. "Uh, we- we are-" I begin, stutter-stumbling over my thoughts.
"Could you fetch two limes for me?" Rathi interrupts, already stirring various ingredients in sizzling coconut oil.
Sighing, I turn to grab the fruits from the bowl. It's indescribable what happened between Mason and me. It's all going so fast, but I'm not scared anymore. He tolerates and accepts, even welcomes, my flaws as well as my inhibitions. He knows that I can't and won't forget Samir. He's always going to be a part of me and my life and thoughts because he is my past, and Mason even wants me to remember him. What level of trust and understanding does one need to have to blanket this...? I don't even know a word to describe that emotion.
I lift my gaze and spot Mason across the room, his blueish greys already on me. His lip is tipped up on one side and one arm splays along the back of the sofa as he brings the lip of his energy drink to his mouth.
Everything inside me pulls incredibly tight. How did I get so freaking lucky with him?
He hesitates, lowering the can again and instead rolling his bottom lip through his teeth, smirking harder as if he can't wait to see me naked again.
Well, that feeling is mutual.
My thighs clench. And when Curtis kicks Mason's shin and he yelps with a colorful curse, I spin back to Rathi. "We had sex," I blurt with wide eyes, shocked by myself and having no clue why and how that little action in the living room triggered my outburst.
Rathi's hand forgoes the knife she was reaching for. Thank God, I don't need to call an ambulance. "What?" she whisper-yells.
I whimper and sound exactly like Baby when she feels she's been starved for too long.
Rathi abandons her cooking and instead tackles me with a tight embrace. "Oh, my God! How did it happen? When? Where?"
I wince. "A little over a week ago." My ears are burning, but I try to give a small smile. It's forced and feels clipped. I don't want her to make a big deal out of it. At least not a bigger one than it already is. I'm usually not the heart of a conversation centered in or around the bedroom.
"You're not messing with me, are you?" She grabs me by the shoulders, needing to lift her arms since I'm taller. "That would be..."
I cross my arm over my front and scratch the inside of my elbow, shaking my head. "I'm not messing with you."
Rathi squeals again, apparently her new favorite form of expressing excitement. "This is- wow! I don't have the right words right now. I feel like I got struck by lightning. I need a moment to process this."
"I feel the same. Believe me."
"I'm still on the you kissed a few times level of knowledge." She presses two fingers to each side of her temples. "When did it become so... so intense?"
"Around the time we went ziplining." I conveniently leave out the part where he ate me out.
Rathi giggles. "And it all went... I don't wanna say down-hill, but it went-" she makes an upward swoosh-motion with her hand "-somewhere from there?"
"Yeah."
"Gradually?"
"Kind of."
"Huh." Her brows fly up, meeting her hairline. "From New Year's till now isn't very long."
Don't I know that. Everything's new, fast and intense. Too much sometimes.
"And now?"
I sigh, buying myself some time. "Now-"
"Something's burning," someone calls from the living room.
Rathi jumps, turning around to stir whatever heavenly smelling dish she's preparing that is now giving off a little smoke. "Shoot! Give me a second."
This gives me some time to think about how to put everything that's happened into words. I want to share, confide in my friend and have her have a share in my newly found infatuation with Mr wild-hair-and-smug-grin America.
How do I say this without sounding corny? And why is this so hard? Talking to Mason about this was so much easier.
When Rathi turns back to me again, giving me all her attention and a nod, I fight back the urge to stall this conversation further and finally say, "We're together."
Simple, yet sufficient, I applaud myself while another squeal flies out of Rathi's mouth when she tackles me again and her arms swing around my neck, squeezing. "I'm so happy for you!" She squeezes me once more before pulling back and holding me at arm's length, grinning from ear to ear. "I can see the wheels turning in your head. Why is that?"
"I just-" I groan. "I just didn't think I'd ever feel like this again?"
"Happy?"
In love, I think.
"No. I don't know, jittery." Is what I say. It comes out as a question.
"But you are happy?"
My bottom lip finds its way between my teeth to stifle a stupid smitten smile while my face warms. And it's not from the humidity in the kitchen. "Yes."
"Then that's the butterflies, honey. Young love." She squeezes my shoulder encouragingly, reaching over to stir the pot spiritedly. "It's a good thing, too. I thought you were only lusting after some hot American Thor stuff." I grimace and Rathi continues giggling. "But this is even better. You're cute together. You deserve happiness and fun, and he really seems to care for you."
I nod, but my brows pull together and Rathi only needs to take one look at my weary expression to know that I need a break to this conversation. She makes a little noise, smiling at me while her head tilts to the left before checking on her pot.
Mason really does care about me, showing me all the time that he wants to be with me no matter how much emotional gravel I load off on his shoulders, no matter how vulnerable I present myself. He's never given me a reason to doubt his intentions with me. It's amazing to see how different a person can be from the first impression you had about them to when you really get to know them.
Of course change is involved too. But that's mutual. He has to learn how to go slow and how to be in a relationship, and I have to learn how to allow and accept romantic feelings again while staying true to myself.
"Riley?!" Danny bellows from the living room. Sailing to the kitchen island with wide eyes, he plants his hands on the counter.
"What's up?" I fetch a bowl for the cut-up cilantro and start putting it inside.
"Are you two together?"
"What?" I ask despite having understood him perfectly.
Mason's hot on Danny's heels, coming to a screeching stop before crashing into his back. His face is the imprint of worry, morphing into an apologetic one.
"You and Mason. Are you, or are you not, an item? Because this bastard won't tell me." He thumbs in Mason's direction over his shoulder, pulling his brows impossibly tight.
My mouth pops open and I feel the flush rise from where my heart starts beating wildly in my chest up my neck and to my cheeks. It doesn't help that Mason rounds the island, moves behind me and snakes his arm around my middle, squeezing my hip in a bolstering way.
I swallow but it doesn't work properly because my mouth is dry. "Yes," I breathe, "we are."
"Boyfriend and girlfriend," Mason supplies proudly, pulling my rigid form closer to his warm body.
There's a beat of silence. A long freaking beat of silence. And I hold my breath for whatever impending storm is about to rain down on us. I didn't want to hide anything from Danny. He deserves to know. But I don't like being put on the spot either. And I can't read his expression. Is he mad?
But then Danny huffs, rolls his eyes and moves to snag an alcohol free beer from the fridge. "And you couldn't just tell me that before?" He points his bottle at Mason.
"We wanted to tell you together." He shrugs.
Danny shakes his head. "You're crazy." I see the little glint of something undecipherable in his eyes before he blinks it away and swings his long arms around the two of us for a group hug. The cold glass of the bottle on my arm makes me jump.
My eyes fall shut and Mason groans next to me, still not being the biggest fan of hugs when it's not me giving them.
Rathi makes an 'aw' sound and Curtis hollers something about having it figured out first from his spot on the sofa.
"You okay?" I ask Danny when he pulls back.
"Sure, yeah. This is good. This is great." He gives us a wide gin, then kisses the top of my head. "I'm happy for you guys."
I don't totally believe him. This must be weird and hard for him. We've been friends for so long, I've been his brother's other half even longer. And he's been Mason's buddy for a long time too. And now everything's shifting.
"Danny-" I start, getting cut off by Curtis clearing his throat and approaching our little party in the kitchen with puffed shoulders.
"I figured it out first," he repeats.
"We all heard it the first time," Rathi swivels and pushes a bunch of clanky silverware into his chest. "Go set the table, superstar."
~~~
Mason accompanies me to my truck when the sun has already set. It's late. Too late. We ate, laughed and interrogated Curtis about his newly established life as a cowboy and ranch hand on his family's nemesis' farm. He became suspiciously bashful when talking about his boss and his daughter. He doesn't need the money from working there – that's how he could take weeks off and come to Australia – but despite the tension between the two families and the hard work he has to put in, he loves jobbing there.
I can't believe how relaxed the atmosphere was. Mason wrapped his strong arm around my shoulders, my waist or his hand around my knee whenever I was close enough to him. He couldn't stop touching me and it all felt so natural and familiar. Nothing felt off or awkward or stiff or strange.
Rathi kept giggling the entire evening while Danny didn't pay the fact his friend is involved with his late brother's widow. And I deeply hope that he doesn't feel irked about it on the inside either. But for now, I take the lightness of how he took things.
Mason opens the passenger door for Baby to hop in and carefully shuts it to not jam her tail before sliding his hand to the back of my neck. He spins us and wedges me between his body and the cold metal of my truck.
His lips peck the corner of my mouth. "You okay?"
"Yeah."
"You sure?" The tip of his nose brushes over my cheek to my ear and I lose focus for a moment. He has to nudge me again.
"Mmh-hmm, I'm sure. It's just so real now. Official, now that pretty much everyone knows," I breathe, placing my hands on his waist and sneaking them under his t-shirt to feel his warm skin. "It's..."
"Scary?" he adds when I trail off.
The little puff of air against my neck lets me shiver. "Yeah," I admit, my eyes falling shut.
He kisses my jaw, moving his face back to mine so he can look at me properly. "For me too."
My eyes ping-pong between his. "Really?"
"Yeah. I never had a serious relationship, but I wanna do it right the first time. No practice round, no backsies, Riley. I want to be the man."
I can't help but smile and tickle his sides lightly until his forehead drops to mine. "Well, you're doing a good job as boyfriend so far."
"Oh yeah?" He brushes his nose over the bridge of mine and squeezes the back of my neck.
"Yeah."
"Damn, I knew I'd be an amazing boyfriend."
Smiling, I bring my arms around his torso, hauling him even closer to hide my silly giggle-snort in the fabric of his shirt.
"Are you busy the next couple days?" he asks over my head.
"I think so. Why?"
"I wanna show Curtis around a bit. Give him the tour, the highlights of Connor Head, you know?"
"You like this town, don't you?" I tease.
He sighs and dips his head to kiss me once. "I do. I admit it. But I like you more."
My heart stutters at his words.
He kisses me again. Once. Twice. Three times before he huff-groans and takes a step back and my arms involuntarily drop to my side. "Okay, get outta' here before I jump in that truck too."