Jeongguk, when he was still Gukkie to Taehyung, had been the cutest, most adorable thing Taehyung had ever had the good fortune of laying his eyes on.
At sixteen, he'd been in his first year of high school while Taehyung, nearing eighteen, was in his last. Despite having an adorable baby face that made girls swoon and big black doe eyes constantly wide open, despite being naturally talented at sports and, generally speaking, at everything he tried his hand at, high schooler Jeonggukie was painfully, cripplingly shy. As a result, landing fresh from seaside Busan in a massive city where he didn't know anyone, thanks to his dad being transferred to Seoul for his job, he was having a hard time making friends.
Whenever Taehyung caught sight of him, he was always alone, looking nervously at the groups of people that passed him by, eating on his own in a remote corner of the schoolyard, or tensing up whenever someone was walking too close to him. Those were the details Taehyung remembered about Jeonggukie, but the biggest, most unforgettable one, was the massive crush the boy harbored for him.
It was obvious to practically everyone in the school that Jeon Jeongguk was completely gone for Kim Taehyung. As soon as his sunbae passed him by in a hallway, or stood next to him waiting to buy his lunch, or barely looked in his general direction, Jeongguk immediately turned crimson, or dropped something, or both.
The first few times, Taehyung didn't think much about it, but once, Jeongguk dropped his library card and Taehyung tried (try being the operative word here) handing it back to him. He dropped it in the cafeteria while grabbing his money to pay for his two samgak gimbap and tea bottle, just as Taehyung was passing by.
The place was packed with students -in other words, the whole school had a ringside seat to see Jeongguk completely freeze when Taehyung extended his hand holding the card while saying, "Hey, kid, you dropped this". He stood there, motionless, face beet-red, gaping at Taehyung, eyes as wide as saucers, until Taehyung lost patience, took two steps forward, and shoved the card in Jeongguk's uniform vest pocket before walking away with a wink.
After that, he paid attention to him and quickly noticed that Jeongguk's gaze was following him wherever he went, trying to be discreet but failing spectacularly. It was a bit bewildering, but mostly, Taehyung thought it was endearing, having these beautiful doe eyes continuously searching for him, admiration and adoration so clearly written over his cute face.
Now, though, there was no trace of admiration or adoration left, and the beautiful doe eyes were very carefully ensuring that they didn't meet Taehyung's, scanning everything and everyone in the room except him.
Taehyung, truthfully, had had a bad feeling when Jimin had told him that Yoongi was having a party at his place on Saturday. He hadn't dared ask if Jeongguk was going to be there, first because he didn't want Jimin to suspect anything was amiss, and secondly because of course Jeongguk was going to be there, being one of Yoongi's closest friends.
But he had chosen to brush it off, because he stupidly thought that being in the bigger space of an apartment's living room, instead of being confined around a table in a tiny, crowded bar, would give him some leeway, so to speak, in order not to bump into Jeongguk too often.
Unfortunately, it turned out the living room wasn't that big, and there was no surrounding chatter nor loud music and thumping basses to drown their voices, and, worst of all, Jeongguk wasn't alone.
Taehyung wasn't an idiot. He knew it was very unlikely for someone like Jeongguk to be single, because he was like a wet dream. Especially tonight, black hair styled in soft waves, dressed in tight black jeans ripped at the knees and a black button-up shirt with yellowish dots, sleeves rolled at the elbows.
He was stunning, and of course he had to have someone in his life, but it had pierced Taehyung's heart all the same when, half an hour earlier, he had made his entrance in Yoongi and Hoseok's apartment, a stranger in tow, and had announced to a stunned audience, "Hi guys, this is my boyfriend, Eunwoo."
It wasn't like Taehyung was expecting to revive the flame that had burned seven years ago between him and Jeongguk. He'd doused it with enough water that it probably couldn't come back to life even with gasoline.
And yet, here he was, stealing glances at Jeongguk and at his equally gorgeous boyfriend, feeling like he was walking at the edge of a very deep chasm, a big lump in his throat and a sickening feeling lodged deep in his stomach.
What's wrong with me? I haven't seen him in years and now I'm feeling all possessive about him.
The answer to that question was far too scary to examine it closely, so Taehyung didn't. Because if he did, then he'd be forced to admit that one encounter was all it took for him, after seven years, to fall back in love with Jeongguk, and that was impossible, wasn't it?
I'm such, such an idiot.
It didn't help that Jeongguk was behaving very differently tonight than last Saturday. Tonight, he was smiling, talking, laughing with his boyfriend and his friends, and being generally charming. Taehyung was almost missing the glaring and dirty looks, because being hated still felt a bit better than being so completely ignored. Even when he entered the conversation to reply to something Jeongguk had said, his ex-boyfriend never looked at him, never acknowledged his words, and, in fact, acted like Taehyung was completely invisible to him.
Taehyung had always done his utmost to never be invisible to anyone, so it hit especially hard when coming from someone he still loved esteemed so much.
Was there a way to salvage this, whatever it was? Having Jeongguk back in his life was something he'd never thought he'd get to have. But now with their two groups of friends seemingly merging for good, it looked like they were both here to stay, and maybe the tension would ease up a little if he plucked up the courage to apologize.
But he couldn't do it in front of so many people, and getting Jeongguk alone wasn't easy. Yoongi, Seokjin and Namjoon would sometimes go on the balcony to have a cigarette, Jimin would go with them even if he didn't smoke, and Hoseok regularly went to the kitchen to fetch food or drinks, but Jeongguk and Eunwoo were the only ones who didn't move an inch from where they were seated on the sofa, sickeningly close to one another.
Taehyung had to admit, even if reluctantly, that the two of them made a beautiful couple. They smiled at each other, talked, laughed in quiet voices, and were generally cute together. Taehyung, watching them, continuously felt like his heart was silently breaking. Seeing them like that made him remember how, once upon a time, he was the one sitting next to Jeongguk, whispering secret nothings to him, laughing quietly with him, and sharing smitten looks. God, was he missing those times.
The only thing he could find solace in was the fact that, while Eunwoo was clearly very much in love with his boyfriend, Jeongguk, for his part, didn't really look head over heels for him. He didn't stare at him like he was the eighth wonder of the world, the way he used to stare at Taehyung when they were young.
But then again, it hadn't stopped Taehyung from breaking Jeongguk's heart, and Eunwoo had a clean record in that matter, so, more points to him.
Finally, an opportunity arose, when Jeongguk got up to go to the toilet. Eunwoo was chatting with Seokjin and Hoseok, Yoongi and Namjoon were on the balcony, and Jimin was somewhere in the apartment. No one would notice.
Discreetly, he rose and headed to the bathroom, timing his approach so that he'd bump into Jeongguk when the other would make his way back to the living room.
And Taehyung was good at timing things.
When Jeongguk saw him standing right in front of him, Taehyung noticed his jaw snap shut and his eyes grow cold. He sidestepped to walk right by Taehyung, obviously not wanting to engage in a conversation, but Taehyung grabbed his wrist and forced him to turn towards him.
"Look, Jeongguk..."
Jeongguk stared at his hand, eyebrows raised in incredulity, and his face clearly gave away what he was thinking. What the hell do you think you're doing right now?
"I just..." Taehyung started. "I just wanted to..."
But before he could say anything else, Jeongguk jerked his arm free, looking so profoundly disgusted with him that Taehyung felt his stomach clench and his throat close. Without even bothering to reply, Jeongguk turned around and quickly walked away, rubbing at his wrist as if to erase the sensation of Taehyung touching it.
Left alone in the quiet hallway, Taehyung leaned against the wall, letting out a sigh, and threw his head back, bumping it repeatedly against the hard surface. "Fuck!"
"Tae? What was that?"
Taehyung almost jumped out of his skin. Looking around, he saw Jimin, standing in the doorway leading to the kitchen, looking at him with a confused expression. When Taehyung didn't reply, he took three steps toward him.
"Taehyung?"
Taehyung shook his head. He didn't want to talk, didn't even think he could, with the giant lump that was lodged in his throat, and he feared that if he tried to anyway, he would start crying. Jimin, sensing something was wrong, gently grabbed him by the shoulders and rubbed his upper arms, eyeing him but saying nothing, letting Taehyung quietly sniffle until he felt like he was able to use his vocal cords again.
"It's okay," he said in a low, husky voice. "It's nothing."
"It's obviously something," Jimin replied, concerned.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"All right, Taehyungie", Jimin said in a placating tone. "That's ok. Want to hide in the kitchen for a bit before going back there?"
"Yes, please", Taehyung immediately replied, feeling relieved.
And so this was how he found himself sitting on the kitchen floor, head on Jimin's shoulder, staring into space, silently dreading going back to the living room.
Luckily (or not), when he finally gathered the courage to get up, about half an hour later, and went back to their friends, Jeongguk and Eunwoo had already vamoosed.
"Oh yeah," Hoseok explained when Jimin asked, "they were tired, so they took their leave. Said to say goodbye."
Taehyung couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief, earning a curious look from Jimin.
Not that his departure made any of it easier. It looked like apologizing to Jeongguk would be even harder than he thought.