"I'm sorry about your girlfriend." I admitted.
His eyes snapped to mine with anger.
"You're sorry? I'm sorry."
"Wait, why are we sorry?" I asked.
"I don't know. I guess because she made us both feel really shitty and she's not my girlfriend so don't call her that."
I slipped into the seat opposite him and he sat up, toying with his lower lip like he felt nervous.
"How many guys have you been with Millie?" I felt my words choke up before I even went to say anything.
"That's a really personal question." I answered, feeling awkward. He sat up to look at me.
"Too personal?"
"How many people have I had sex with or how many people have I done stuff with?"
"Sex." River confirmed what he meant.
"Just one person and it was awkward as fuck, I'm trying to suppress the memory." I laughed.
"Awkward?"
"Well yeah, isn't everyones first time awkward?"
"Yeah I guess so." He fiddled with the napkin holder clasp. "Could you tell me about it?"
I blew out a raspberry with my lips, where to even begin with that guy?
"It was with this tourist. He came for the summer and we hung out for a day on the beach, he was really nice to me and when people are nice to me I just give them everything."
I laughed awkwardly, I definitely shouldn't have overshared that.
"Wow, you really went in on yourself there." He laughed uncomfortably too.
"So my therapist used to say I never got enough love as a child and now when someone treats me even remotely well I crave it and throw myself at them. All in."
I shook my head and face palmed myself, this was an awkward conversation in general and I was digging a hole, making everything so much worse.
"I don't know why I just told you that, that is so embarrassing. Anyway this guy, he treated me like I was the only girl in the world for one day and I hooked up with him. It was terrible, I got sand in my ass and everything was gritty. It hurt.
We met up again, the next night and the night after that and basically every night for two weeks. The sex never got any better.
He got really offended by that. I think he took it personally, like believed he was bad at sex. He said some really mean things to me, got violent and thankfully I didn't see him again."
"What a shithead." I nodded in agreement.
"I never wanted to try with anyone else after that. So that's me, clearly you've never had sex with Monique but have you ever... at all?"
"No, I've never had sex. How would I have sex if I can't be touched?"
Suddenly, I realised what this was, he wanted my advice.
"I don't know, easily?" I answered.
"Easily?" He repeated in a high pitched voice. "How would I have sex easily? Don't get me wrong, I want to do it, like so fucking badly I do. I just can't."
"I don't know why you think you can't, there's so many different ways you could have sex and not even have the touching as a factor."
"Millie, if you think your first-time story was awkward, mine would be tragic. I don't want to put myself through the humiliation and besides nothing is private at this school, I could be weird and then everyone knows."
I laughed, "Weird?"
"I could freak out."
"River, you're not that bad with the touching." His eyebrows soared in surprise, clearly he disagreed with me.
"I mean, you are." I counteracted. "But you can tolerate touch in some areas. I can touch your shoulders, more so your left than your right. Your arms are totally free to roam. I can't go lower than your collar bone, definitely nowhere near your ribs and your belly button is questionable territory."
He blinked at me, absorbing all of that. He looked truly astonished and lost for words so I continued talking.
"So having sex wouldn't really be a huge issue for you where the touching is concerned, just explain the No-go areas to your partner first and she wouldn't even attempt to touch you there. It will be totally fine. And hey, you know what? People are into kinks these days. If you get scared just tie her hands up and pretend it's bondage play."
"I can't believe you paid attention to me enough to know all of that."
I smiled shyly, I have been paying attention.
"My body, it's disgusting though. You expect me to turn someone on with this?" He gestured down to his torso.
"Hey, I'm not gonna stand here and inflate your ego. You're far from disgusting River, you want to have sex with someone? Go for it."
"Yeah, I don't think I'm ready to be that brave yet." He yawned and then rubbed his eyes. "What do you want me to do because I'm tired, I've had a shit day and I want to go to bed."
"Rodeo day is meant to be fun."
"Well forgive me for not finding it that way." He stood up and took over my sweeping duties.
"You're not forgiven. You didn't have fun because you didn't allow yourself to have fun. You're different around your friends you know? Quieter."
"I can't be like them. I can't do stupid stuff. Laying low, being reserved in nature is how I've survived. I'm a loner Millie, I won't draw attention to myself by dancing like an idiot and speaking so confidently."
"But there's no one here." I stood up and gestured around the empty room. "So, dance with me." I hit play on the music, turning the volume down to normal standards.
"There's always someone watching." I laughed, that was next level paranoia.
"You can't dance, why don't you just say that?"
"I can dance."
I started the steps, there was no line of dancers next to me but I kept up the correct formation as if there were.
"Okay, maybe I can't dance like that but I'm not stupid, I know how to dance."
"I can teach you the steps." His eyes gleamed as he watched me. "Come on, just one song. I can tell you want to join me."
"And you won't touch me?"
"I won't ever touch you without your permission River."
"Because —"
"I won't ever touch you without your permission, come on!"
"Okay fine. Show me the stupid dance moves." He walked over to me and stood next to me, watching my feet. Slowly he copied my moves as I explained them step by step.
"Got it?"
"Yeah."
"You wanna see it again?"
"No, I got it. Play the music."
The song restarted and I danced. He however, tripped over his feet and was always five steps behind me. I laughed at him.
"Now spin, faster. Faster. Spin!"
I held my hat as I spun round and round in a circle. He grabbed my waist and pulled me into him, stopping me from spinning. I gasped as I fell into his arms, almost touching him but I stopped my hands just in time.
"What are you doing?" He held the small of my back, pressing my body into his as he danced with me.
"Your dance is lame, dancing shouldn't have controlled, learned steps. Just listen to the music and move your body." He spun me out and pulled me back.
"I don't know where to put my hands on you." I held them really awkwardly just out by my side like a penguin. Thankfully he laughed.
"You literally just listed all of my no-go zones. Over my shoulder is fine." I lifted them, draping them over his shoulders and clasping them behind his neck. "My belly button for the record is off limits."
Our dance wasn't slow per say, but it was touchy. For him at least. He held my body close, shimmying against his. Those hands of his roamed up my sides, they touched my ass. Then he turned me to face away from him and he held my front, his hand resting against my ribcage.
"Relax." His smooth words tickled my ear. "This time, we're just dancing."
I gulped, "where did you learn to dance like this?"
"From the sidelines."
"You're good." Unexpectedly he turned me to face him again and I put my hands on his chest to steady myself.
"And now, we're done." He backed away from me.
"Sorry I just—"
"I know." He made his way into the back and I followed him, watching as he pulled off his leather pants and swapped them for the sweatpants he kept in his locker.
Mindlessly I played with the equestrian whip, flicking it back and forth against my palm.
"You need a ride home or are you going by horse?"
"A ride home would be greatly appreciated."