Violet and I became close. She was always with me, wherever I was. She became attached to me, like a stray dog that was given a name by someone, that's why it treated that person as its owner and began to follow them anywhere.
Most of the time, we were always together, doing missions from EL Ordre. They would give us the same missions kaya mas napapadalas na magkasama kami. I had no problem with that as Violet and I made a great team.
But because we were always together, Violet noticed the difference in me. She noticed my condition no matter how hard I tried to hide it. No matter how my alters helped me hide it. Violet still noticed those little changes that she knew weren't my personality.
I knew it would happen. She was a great agent. Of course, mapapansin n'ya talaga iyon.
So, I had no other choice but to tell her the truth. That I had a condition called DID.
"That's scary, Gray..."
That was the first thing she'd ever said after I told her everything. Nasa mga mata ang takot at... isa pang emosyon na hindi ko na ulit gugustuhin pang makita sa ibang tao kapag nalaman nila ang tungkol sa sitwasyon ko.
She looked disgusted.
That was when I realized that... Ah... I really was different from other people. I wasn't normal. No matter what I would do, I would never be normal.
Of course, she'd be disgusted. Other people would be disgusted too. And I decided that I would never tell anyone about my condition again.
Ayokong... pandirihan nila ako. Ayokong makita ulit ang ganoong emosyon sa iba.
Fuck... I don't like this. I hate this. Why am I different? Why am I not normal?
"No wonder you kept it a secret. People would find it funny and ridiculous," Violet said. "Am I the only one who knew about this?"
I nodded. I felt so cold. It was my first time telling anyone about this.
I was thankful, though, that she took me seriously. It took a lot of courage to admit it.
Ayoko sanang malaman din n'ya. But she already noticed it. Baka mapagkamalan n'ya akong baliw o weird kung hindi ko pa sasabihin sa kanya ang totoo. I figured that it was her anyway. She would believe me. And I was so glad that she did.
"That's why you don't let yourself get attached to other people even though you are so friendly. There's that wall that you put up around yourself."
I almost chuckled. Kahit 'yon pala ay nahalata n'ya.
"But yes... That's a good move. Don't let yourself get attached to people other than me. If they found out about your condition, they would get scared and stay away from you," she said as if giving me advice. "To be honest, Gray... You look crazy whenever an alter front. It was really scary."
I know... I could understand. Ganoon din naman ang naramdaman ko nu'ng mapansin ko ang mga kakaiba sa 'kin. It was frightening as hell. Ako pa nga lang natatakot na, paano pa kaya ang ibang tao?
That was one of the reasons why I've been keeping from other people. Ayokong matakot sila sa 'kin. There's nothing scary about me. About my alters. They're good... I also like talking to them too.
But then... The thought of alters living in my mind. The sudden change of personality whenever an alter front, for other people, would be frightening.
Kaya kahit na may galit ako kay Kuya Hunter na palagi s'yang wala, kahit na may tampo ako sa kanya na hindi n'ya ako nadadamayan sa mga panahong kailangang-kailangan ko s'ya... There were times that I would be glad that he's not here.
He would definitely notice it. Kahit anong tago ko pa. Mapapansin n'ya ang tungkol sa kondisyon ko.
Hindi ko gustong isipin kung ano'ng magiging reaksyon n'ya sa oras na malaman n'ya ang tungkol doon.
"Now that you know about my condition... Would you stay away from me now, too?" I asked.
I was scared of what her answer would be. Pakiramdam ko, nakasalalay sa isasagot n'ya ang magiging reaksyon ng ibang tao kapag nalaman din nila ang tungkol sa 'kin. I knew there would be a time when other people would notice it too. Kahit anong tago pa ang gawin ko.
Gadriel, Shielder, and James were good. Nagkakasundo-sundo kami. But then... There was Zeno.
Violet gave me a soft smile. Her eyes twinkled. Bago pa s'ya magsalita ay nakita ko na ang sagot sa mga mata n'ya.
"Of course not, Gray... I won't stay away from you. I would never leave you over this."
I tried to swallow in the emotions that wanted to burst out of my chest. Pero nahirapan ako dahil naramdaman ko ang bikig sa lalamunan ko. Nahalata ni Violet ang pinipigilan kong emosyon.
She reached out and put a hand on my cheeks. My eyes watered when I felt the warmth of her palm. I leaned my face onto her palm more as she caressed my cheek gently with her thumb.
"I'm the only one who will be able to accept you, Gray... Others wouldn't understand you. They wouldn't understand how people are living in your brain and you can even talk to them. I'm the only one who can," she said. "But I am more than enough for you, right? You will be satisfied with me."
I stared at her.
"Kahit si Kuya... Hindi n'ya ako maiintindihan?"
Violet looked at me. There was pity in her eyes.
"He won't, Gray... I'm sure of that."
Nasaktan ako roon.
"Why? He's my brother... He promised he would take care of me."
"But he left you. He already left you before, what more if he finds out about your condition?" she said. "He never took care of you. He definitely won't take care of you with your condition."
Halo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko. What Violet said actually made sense. Umalis si Kuya noon, nang hindi n'ya alam ang tungkol sa kondisyon ko. Paniguradong hindi n'ya rin ako aalagaan kapag nalaman n'ya ang tungkol doon.
With how people think, with how judgmental people are... There weren't many who would understand my situation. There weren't many who would stay with someone like me.
Tama si Violet. Baka nga s'ya lang ang makatanggap sa 'kin.
I was so glad that I met her. I was so thankful that she was here.
"You don't have to worry about anything, Gray... I'm here." She smiled as she leaned in and brushed her lips lightly with mine. Halos hindi ko maramdaman iyon. "I will give you everything. I'll protect you. Always."
I smiled at her and closed my eyes when she gave me a full kiss this time.
I'm glad I found someone, the only one who could accept me.
I began teaching Violet some Tagalog words. Boy, it was so hard! Alam ko namang hindi madaling matuto ng pangalawang lenggwahe. But damn... With Violet? Nauubos palagi ang mahabang pasensya ko sa tuwing tinuturuan ko s'ya.
But it was all that I could do. She stayed with me. Tinupad n'ya ang sinabi n'ya. She was the only person who stayed with me after everything.
"I hate your alters, Gray," she suddenly said one time.
Napatingin ako sa kanya. Napatigil sa pagtuturo ng Tagalog words na ilang minuto n'ya nang pinag-aaralan.
"I hate them. They're stealing your time. Even your body."
I took a deep breath.
"They're not bad, Lyrae... I'm actually friends with them. Tinutulungan nila ako. Sila 'yung nakakausap ko nu'ng mga panahong takot na takot ako sa nangyayari sa 'kin."
"But they are the reason why you have that condition, right?"
"No... It was because of the trauma I experienced."
She let out an exasperated sigh.
"What I mean is... If they're not there, you won't be having a hard time. You will be normal."
"But I am normal."
She let out a chuckle. As if I just said something ridiculous.
"No, you're not. There's something wrong with your brain. Those alters are your crazy part. You look crazy whenever they're fronting. They're making you look insane."
Wala akong masabi roon. I always tell myself that I am normal. That I could be normal. That I could live normally even if I have alters.
Pero nagbago iyon dahil sa mga sinasabi ni Violet. This is what other people think. This is what other people would think.
"But even if you're like that, I still accept you, Gray..." Violet said softly. "Unlike your brother, I will never leave."
I stopped talking with my alters after that. Gadriel and James were still writing in the journal, still trying to talk to me, but I never answered them again.
Shielder was still helping me with my missions with EL Ordre. Only blocking me with those missions he might've thought would be a trigger to me. To my trauma.
It always pissed me when that happened. Naaalala ko ang sinabi ni Violet. Na ninanakaw ng mga alter ang kung ano'ng dapat sa 'kin.
I was glad that Violet was always there with me. Tinutulungan n'ya ako. Pati ang mga problema ko nang dahil sa kagagawan ng mga alter ko.
But my alters didn't think that way.
Gadriel: I think it would be best for you if you'll stop hanging out with that Violet, Gray... She's not good for you.
James: I don't like her too.
Zeno: I fucking hate that bitch.
Ma lalo lang lumala ang galit ko dahil sa mga nabasa kong 'yon. Ah... I hate them. Si Violet na nga lang ang taong kayang tumanggap sa 'kin, pipigilan pa nila ang pagiging malapit namin? Sila naman ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako matatanggap ng iba.
After that, I threw the journal away. Para hindi ko na ulit sila makausap pa.
Pinagpatuloy ko ang makikipaglapit kay Violet. I noticed her feelings for me. And that actually made me look up to her.
She was still willing to accept... to love someone like me.
I think that was what pissed Zeno off. I could feel his pent-up anger. He was becoming madder and madder.
Kaya nang may isang nagalit na customer sa 'kin sa club 'cause he caught his girlfriend flirting with me, nang maghamon s'ya ng suntukan, sumabog na ang pinipigilang galit ni Zeno.
I saw how he threw alcohol on the walls as the people tried to get out of the place while the fire alarm was blaring. It was Zeno who triggered the alarm. Pero wala akong magawa. Wala akong magawa nang sunugin n'ya ang buong club.
"This is where you always hang out with that bitch, Grayson... I hope the time you spent with her will lessen now. I really fucking hate that bitch."
The whole club was burnt. Walang nasaktan dahil bago pa sinunog ni Zeno ang club ay naglabasan na ang mga tao dahil sa tunog ng fire alarm. And Zeno just wanted to burn the club.
Dahil ano? Dahil doon kami madalas na magkita ni Violet? If he thinks that we would be separated from what he did, then he's wrong.
Wala na akong planong lumayo pa kay Violet. Sa nag-iisang taong kayang tumanggap sa 'kin.
"See? I told you. Your alters are not good news," Violet said when I told her what Zeno did. "Damn, I hate them so much. They're not good for you, Gray..."
Violet helped me clean up Zeno's mess. She helped me cover up what he did. And because of guilt, I decided to buy the club when I heard that the owner didn't want to build it back up again.
Ah... I hate Zeno. I hate my alters. I hate my condition.
Kung sana... Kung sana naging normal na tao na lang ako.
Sana wala na lang ang mga alter ko.
I want to get rid of them. They're like parasites living inside my head.
Kuya hunter finally came back and stayed in the Philippines because of Artemis. Sa wakas, hindi na naging torpe si Kuya.
I was slightly annoyed with that. I got... jealous. Ang tagal ko na s'yang pinapabalik, pero hindi n'ya ginawa. Sa ibang tao n'ya pa nahanap ang rason para manatili na sa Pilipinas.
But still... I was glad. Makakasama ko na rin si Kuya.
Plus, I knew Artemis. I knew how much she loved my brother. Wala akong maipipintas sa kanya.
Pinabantayan s'ya sa 'kin ni Kuya noon. I know she's a great person even if she was a brat at times na madalas inirereklamo pa sa 'kin ni Apollo noon.
It wasn't only Artemis that I had to watch at times. Even Fatima, Kuya Creed's girl.
Now that I remember, there was a time when I had to watch V too.
I became the babysitter of the EL Ordre's girls, huh?
Hindi pa nga ako nagkakaroon ng girlfriend pero girlfriend ng iba nagagawa ko nang bantayan.
"You know, I think you should be the King," Violet said one time while we were on a stakeout mission. "You're better than the rest of the EL Ordre. Even your hacking skills are better than L and Tracer. You could also invent some devices that could help the EL Ordre, especially with their security."
She leaned in to whisper in my ear.
"If it isn't because of you, then the EL Ordre would be nothing."
Hindi ako nagsalita. Hindi na rin ako nagkaroon ng chance na makapagsalita as we already got the signal to move. But what she said lingered in my mind.
She was right though. My computer skills were better than Kuya L and Kuya Hunter. Pero hindi ko ginagamit. Hinahayaan ko lang sila. Mas sa security ng bawat myembro ang naging task ko and as a backup on a field mission.
Why is it... that Violet always said the right thing?
But then, I didn't even want to become a King. Ginustong kong mapasali sa EL Ordre para tulungan si Kuya. Lalo na sa paghahanap sa pumatay sa mga magulang namin.
And then the day finally came. The day when we finally found the location of the Red Faction's Rook. The one who killed my parents.
Naiwan si Kuya sa hideout. Kami nina Kuya Aius, Kuya Archer, Kuya L, Kuya Viper at Violet ang sumugod sa location na na-track ni Kuya L.
Kuya was even hesitant that he would just stay at the hideout while I would be on the field. Kumalma lang s'ya nang sabihin ni Kuya Aius na s'ya ang magiging sniper para mabantayan ako ni Kuya Archer.
It actually pissed me off. Hanggang ngayon pa rin pala ay walang tiwala sa akin si Kuya. Sa palagay n'ya ba ay hindi ko kayang protektahan ang sarili ko?
No... I shouldn't mind it. I should just focus on my mission. Ang tagal naming hinintay ang pagkakataon na 'to.
After this... Maybe... Maybe I would finally be with my Kuya peacefully. Kahit na maraming mission pa ang ibigay sa akin ng EL Ordre, pakiramdam ko ay kakayanin ko ang lahat.
What if... What if I tell Kuya about my condition too? Daanin ko na lang sa biro? O kahit hindi direkta man. Para malaman ko kung anong magiging reaksyon n'ya kung sakali.
Artemis made him a better man. I saw how he got his strength from her. Then maybe... He could accept me too despite my condition.
Alright... Sige... Susubukan ko. After all, he is my brother. Mabait si Kuya. Naaalala ko pa ngang hindi s'ya nagagalit sa 'kin kahit ano pang pang-aasar ko at kahit gaano pa katigas ang ulo ko.
If this mission would be a success, then I'll tell him about it.
We got to the location. It was an abandoned building. Si Kuya Aius lang ang nahiwalay dahil nasa ibang lugar as he was the sniper.
Noong una, tahimik ang paligid. I thought that they made a mistake with the location again. But then I sensed something was off. Alam kong naramdaman din iyon ng mga kasama ko. They were on their guard too
Then I heard something. As if the air was cut off dahil sa mabilis na bagay na dumaan. After that, I felt something pierce my chest.
"Shielder!"
I didn't have any time to react. I suddenly felt numbness throughout my entire body. I couldn't breathe. I suddenly felt cold. Halos hindi ko na maramdaman ang pagtama ng panibagong bala sa balikat ko. Napaluhod ako sa lupa.
How...? I've been shot but... Why can't I move?
Then... enemies came out of nowhere. They outnumbered us. Pinapaulanan din nila ng bala ang ibang mga kasama ko. They all tried to take cover against the pillars but I saw Kuya Viper get shot too.
"Sasabog ang buong lugar na 'to sa loob ng isang minuto!" I heard one of the enemies say. "Hayaan n'yo na ang lalaking 'to kundi, lahat tayo mamamatay dito!"
Fuck.
I had no idea what's happening anymore. Unti-unti nang nanlalabo ang paningin ko. Wala na rin akong marinig.
"Asa kang gagawin namin ang sinabi mo!" I heard Kuya Archer say.
"Hayaan n'yong patayin namin s'ya at hindi namin kayong tumakas! S'ya lang ang gusto naming patayin!"
"Ang dami mong dada!" Kuya Archer tried to shoot that enemy pero pinaulanan ulit sila ng mga bala.
Ah, shit... Still as dumbass as ever.
"Go... Kuya Archer," I tried to get up, placing myself in between them and the enemies. I was hoping that I could help them escape.
It was me that they wanted.
It was a trap.
"Shielder!" rinig ko ang pagtutol sa boses ni Kuya Archer.
I glared at him. Dammit! May bomba nga raw!
"Go!"
Nagpaulan ulit ng mga bala ang kalaban at ilan ang tumama sa likod ko. Napaluhod ulit ako sa lupa. I saw Kuya Archer hesitated pero nang muli silang barilin ng mga kalaban ay wala nang nagawa kundi ang umatras.
"Let's go back!" I heard Violet say.
"Dammit! Hindi pwedeng iwan si Shielder dito!"
I know Kuya Archer wanted to save me. But he couldn't reach me. Ang pinatataguan n'ya ay malayo sa kung nasaan ako. Babarilin din s'ya ng mga kalaban bago pa s'ya makalapit sa 'kin.
There was no other way. Maraming kalaban. May ilang nabaril din nila pero hindi talaga kakayanin. Alam nila 'yon. Hindi ko rin alam kung totoong may bomba nga but... There's no reason that the enemies would lie about that.
"Let's go back, Archer..." I heard Kuya L say. He helped Viper up. "There's nothing we could do anymore!"
"Go back, Archer! Let's go back!" Itinulak pa ni Violet si Kuya Archer.
Another gunshot pierced my body pero dahil namanhid na ako ay hindi ko na alam kung saan iyon tumama. Napahiga na ako sa lupa.
"Fuck!" Kuya Archer cursed. "Fucking dammit!"
I saw him look at me one last time. His expression full was of regret and guilt before he turned and walked away, leaving me.
Ah... They did leave me to die.
Is this how I would die?
Mukhang hindi ko na masasabi kay Kuya ang tungkol sa kondisyon ko. Mukhang hindi na kami magkakasam ni Kuya talaga.
Sa nanlalabong paningin ay nakita ko ang isang pamilyar na mukha na lumuhod sa tapat ko. It was him. Iyong ex-boyfriend ni Artemis na nakikita kong palagi n'yang kasama noon.
I looked at him. He looked at me with pity and regret. Then, slowly, he reached out and put a hand over my eyes, finally blinding my sight.
"Sleep, for now, Gray."
That was the last thing I heard before darkness consumed me.