The changes happening in me became more intense after Kuya Hunter left again. Mas lumala ang mga napapansin kong kakaibang nangyayari sa 'kin that it started to frustrate me so much.
It was so frustrating. It became scarier too. Mas dumami ang mga araw na lumilipas na wala man lang akong naalala sa kung anong nangyari sa araw na 'yon. Although there were times that it would only be a few hours or even a few minutes but still... It was scary.
Minsan, hindi lang isang araw ang lilipas na wala akong naaalala. Umaabot pa ng tatlong araw. And that was what scares me the most.
I was sure that something weird and frightening was happening to me.
May mga bagay na bigla na lang din lumilitaw sa kwarto ko. Things I knew that weren't mine and I didn't even buy. I was worried that they were from other people and I just took them without their permission.
What if I stole those things?
Ilang beses ko ring napansing wala sa dating pinalalagyan ko ang mga bagay at nakikita ko sila sa ibang pwesto. I asked Nanay Flor about it. But, ever since the day I told her to put my things back where they belonged if she cleaned my room, Nanay Flor has made certain that she did so.
Because of that, I sometimes overthink things.
What if... I'm killing people with those days I couldn't even remember what I was doing? What if... I'm a serial killer and those things I've found that weren't mine were from my victims?
Marahas akong napailing.
No. That wouldn't be possible. I was just overthinking things.
"James, hijo, maaari ba kitang makausap?" salubong sa akin ni Nanay Flor isang araw pag-uwi ko galing school.
I looked at her. She had a serious expression on her face. But I could also tell that she was worried about something based on the look in her eyes.
I blinked. Maya-maya ay napatango na rin.
"Sige po, ano po 'yun?"
Nakita ko pa ang pag-aalangan sa mukha ni Nanay Flor which just confused me even more. But she looked at me and she might've realized that I just got home from school.
"Magbihis ka na muna. Pagkatapos do'n tayo sa hapag."
I nodded even if I was still confused. Mabilis akong umakyat sa kwarto para magbihis. I just took a plain shirt and cotton shorts. Habang nagbibihis ako ay hindi ko maiwasang isipin kung anong gustong sabihin sa 'kin ni Nanay Flor.
Hindi kaya... napapansin n'ya na rin ang nangyayari sa 'kin?
I got nervous. No, please... I wouldn't want that. It was... embarrassing. Natatakot akong baka kung ano'ng isipin din sa 'kin ni Nanay Flor.
Kaya tuloy habang pababa ako ay sobra-sobra ang kaba ko. Lalo pa nang makita ko si Nanay Flor na seryoso ang mukha habang nakaupo na sa dining table. Umupo ako sa harap n'ya. I tried to act as casually as I can.
"Ano pong pag-uusapan natin, Nanay Flor?" lakas-loob kong tanong.
She was hesitant at first. I could tell. Pero bumuntong-hininga rin at may inilapag sa ibabaw ng table.
"Nakita ko 'to sa damitan mo, James..."
Tiningnan ko ang nasa ibabaw ng lamesa. I frowned when I didn't recognize what it was. It was a box of some kind of product. Kinuha ko iyon at binasa para malaman kung ano'ng laman. Napanganga ako nang mabas kung ano 'yon.
Condoms...
"Ano— Na—" Napatingin ako kay Nanay Flor sa nanlalaking mga mata. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng sasabihin ko!
"Ayos lang naman sa 'kin, hijo..." sabi ni Nanay Flor nang hindi pa rin ako makahagilap ng kung ano'ng tamang sasabihin. "Pero hindi ba't napakabata mo pa para sa bagay na iyan? Ano na lang ang sasabihin ng kapatid mo kapag nalaman n'ya 'to?"
Doon ako mas lalong nataranta.
"Hindi po sa 'kin 'to!" Binitiwan ko pa ang box na parang kasalanang mahawakan iyon.
"Sa damitan mo 'yan nakalagay."
Marahas akong umiling.
"Hindi po talaga sa 'kin 'yan."
"Alangan namang sa 'kin 'yan, hijo?" Tumawa pa si Nanay Flor na parang pinapagaan ang sitwasyon para sa 'kin.
"Hindi ko po alam kung pa'no napunta 'yan sa damitan ko. Pero hindi po talaga sa 'kin 'yan. Hindi pa po ako nakikipag-sex, Nanay Flor! Virgin pa po ako! Promise!"
"Ay! Dios mio! Ang batang 'to!" Napahawak pa si Nanay Flor sa dibdib n'ya na parang naeeskandalo. Pagkatapos ay bumuntong-hininga. "Wala namang problema, hijo Hindi mo kailangang mahiya. Pero sana sa pagtuntong mo na lang ng hustong edad. Aba'y menor de edad ka pa lang, eh."
"I'm telling the truth, Nanay Flor..." I frustratedly said.
"O s'ya, sige... Hayaan mo at hindi ko na lang sasabihin sa Kuya mo ang bagay na 'to. Pero sana'y maging responsable ka, James, at isipin mo ang sinabi ko."
Tumayo na si Nanay Flor para ihanda ang pagkain ko. Naiwan akong nakaupo sa lamesa na hindi alam kung ano'ng mararamdaman.
I was frustrated. So, fucking frustrated that I want to cry. Hindi naniniwala si Nanay Flor sa sinabi ko. She thought I was just denying things she thought I did because I was embarrassed.
Pero totoo ang sinabi ko. Hindi sa 'kin ang box ng condom na 'yon. I never bought it. Wala rin naman akong paggagamitan no'n. I was a virgin, dammit. Ni wala nga akong girlfriend!
Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling 'yon. Hindi ko alam kung paanong napunta iyon sa damitan ko kaya nakita ni Nanay Flor. Walang ibang pumapasok sa loob ng kwarto ko, ako lang at si Nanay Flor.
Damn it... What happening to me is getting out of hand now. Ang akala ni Nanay Flor ay nagsisinungaling ako.
I balled my fist. I was starting to get mad. Pero hindi ko alam kung saan. Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako dapat magalit.
Kanino pa ba? Edi sa kapatid mo. He's not here when you need him. He's always not there for you.
Shut up...
Why? He abandoned you, Gray... When he should've been there for you. He's your only family.
"I said shut up," mariin kong sabi.
"Ano kamo, James?"
Nagulat ako at pabiglang nag-angat ng tingin kay Nanay Flor na napatigil sa paghahanda. There was a frown on her face. Pero mukha namang hindi n'ya narinig nang malinaw ang sinabi ko. So, I just smiled at her and shook my head.
"Wala po." Hinawakan ko ang tyan ko. "Nagugutom na po ako."
"Ah, sige. 'Eto na nga."
Nang tumalikod ulit si Nanay Flor para ituloy ang paghahanda ng pagkain ko ay agad na nabura ang ngiti ko.
What the hell is happening to me?
Nang tumuntong ako ng college ay mas lalo pang lumala ang nangyayari sa 'kin. I got even more busy with my studies. Madalas ay wala akong tulog. I was tired all the time.
And there was one thing that happened and frustrated the hell out of me. I almost lost control of my anger.
It was a hell week. My busy life got even busier. Ang daming ginagawa. sumabay pa ang mga exam. Wala na akong oras para matulog at magpahinga.
And then, there was one time when I finally got to rest. Sa buong weekened ay wala akong kailangang gawin. But I know the week after that would be hell again.
I slept on Friday night, thinking I wouldn't need to get up early the next day. Finally, makakatulog na rin ako nang mahaba.
But I was surprised when Nanay Flor woke me up early the next day.
"James, hijo! Bumangon ka na!"
I groaned in my sleep. Inabot ko ang unan at tinakpan ang ulo ko.
"Aba't 'tong batang 'to," I heard Nanay Flor mumble. "Gumising ka na! Mali-late ka na!"
"Wala po akong pasok," I said. My voice was husky from sleep.
"Anong wala?" Naramdaman kong hinampas ni Nanay Flor ang hita ko. "Nakahanda na ang almusal mo.
Pero hindi ako gumalaw. I was starting to get pissed. Wala naman akong pasok kaya bakit n'ya 'ko ginigising?
"James!"
Nanay Flor yanked the pillow away from me. Hinampas ulit ako sa hita. Hindi ko na naitago ang inis ko nang tingnan ko s'ya at umupo.
"Wala po akong pasok, Nanay Flor!" inis kong sabi. I was so damn tired! I need sleep!
"Hindi ba't sabi mo'y exam week n'yo pa rin? Lunes na Lunes, James!"
I frowned. Hindi yata at si Nanay Flor pa ang kulang sa tulog.
"Sabado ngayon, Nanay Flor..."
"Anong Sabado? Lunes na ngayon, hijo!"
Marahas kong naihilamos ang isang kamay sa mukha ko. I was so damn pissed right now I was not in the mood for pranks!
"Friday po kahapon. Kaya Sabado ngayon," paliwanag ko. "Nanay Flor... Gusto ko pa pong matulog. Ngayon na lang ulit ako nagkaroon ng oras para magpahinga."
Si Nanay Flor naman ang napakunot ang noo.
"James, hijo... Dumaan na ang Sabado at Linggo. Lunes na ngayon."
I groaned in frustration. Inis na inis na ako. Pagod at inaantok pa. Gusto ko na lang maiyak sa halo-halong nararamdaman.
"It's Saturday, Nanay Flor..."
"Tinatamad ka lang yata, eh."
I had to gather all my strength just to not direct all my frustrations right now at her. I just didn't like what she said.
Napaiyak na ako.
"Hindi po ako tinatamad. I just want to continue my sleep."
Nanay Flor sighed. Tinitigan n'ya ako. Mukhang naaawa pa sa 'kin.
"Alam kong pagod ka, hijo. Hahayaan naman kitang lumiban kahit isang beses sa klase para makapagpahinga ka. Pero ang sabi mo nga'y importante rin ang linggong 'to dahil exam week n'yo."
"Opo... Pero sa Lunes pa po."
"Lunes na nga ngayon, hijo," sabi ni Nanay Flor na mukhang nauubusan na rin ng pasensya sa 'kin. "S'ya, sige. Hahayaan na muna kita at mukhang hindi ka pa nahihimasmasan. Pero bumaba ka na pagkatapos. Nakahanda na ang almusal mo."
Umalis na si Nanay Flor pagkatapos noon at naiwan akong mag-isa sa kwarto. Naiwan akong sobrang naiinis at naiiyak sa sobrang frustration na nararamdaman ko.
Damn it... I don't want to look at my phone to confirm what day it was today. I don't want it to be Monday. I was still so damn fucking tired.
Fuck... I don't like this. I don't like what's happening to me.
I wanted to rest. I wanted to sleep. I want my weekends back.
It felt like those seconds, minutes, hours, and days were just robbed from me. Sa 'kin 'yon, eh... Araw 'yon ng pahinga ko. Bakit kailangang nakawin ng kung sino?
What the hell is happening to me?
That was when I decided to do something. I wanted to know what was actually happening to me. I wanted to know why this was happening to me. Why me? And what was I doing with those hours and those days I couldn't remember that passed suddenly?
I set up surveillance cameras in my room and around the house. I personalized it so that no one would suspect it. I don't know. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay parang may nakakaalam ng ginagawa ko. I connected it to my phone and laptop so I would have copies of what was being recorded in case someone deleted them.
At first, there wasn't anything unusual. It took weeks before that strange thing happened again. Ang akala ko nga ay tumigil na. But when it happened again, when I woke up and realized a day had passed again without me knowing, saka ko pinanood ang nangyari sa surveillance tapes.
What I watched confused me and scared me even more. I saw myself getting out of bed like usual. Pero nang bumangon ako ay agad akong humarap sa salamin. I stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror for a while before going into the bathroom to take a bath.
Hindi lang 'yon, nakita ko rin ang sarili kong bumaba at kumain ng pagkaing inihanda ni Nanay Flor. We talked for a while but I couldn't hear anything. Mukhang walang napansing kakaiba si Nanay Flor dahil nakangiti pa s'ya habang nakikipag-usap sa 'kin. I was acting like myself too.
But I knew, only I knew that it wasn't me. Wala akong natatandaang ginawa ko noong araw na 'yon. Hindi ko matandaan kung anong pinag-usapan namin ni Nanay Flor. Hindi ko matandaan na gumising ako nang araw na 'yon.
And it was scaring the shit out of me. Bakit wala akong maalala? Bakit... Bakit pakiramdamn ko hindi naman ako ang taong nagising nang araw na 'yon?
It was as if someone was using my body.
Natigilan ako... Was that it? Was someone really using my body?
"Hindi ba at sinasapian ang gano'n, hijo?" Nanay Flor said when I asked her about it. Pero hindi ko pinalabas na nangyayari sa 'kin ang bagay na 'yon. I just asked her as if I was curious.
"Sina... Sinasapian po?
She nodded.
"'Pag ganoong may ibang gumagamit ng katawan, sinasapian 'yon. Ginagamit ng demonyo ang katawan nila."
I... couldn't really say anything about that. I don't know if I should believe it. Was a demon really using my body?
Pero hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong nangyayari sa 'kin. And this was the first idea that was given to me.
"Ano pong dapat gawin kapag ganoon?" I asked.
Napatigil si Nanay Flor sa paghuhugas ng plato para mag-isip.
"Pumunta sa pari?" hindi sigurado n'yang sagot at pagkatapos ay marahas na umiling. "Ewan ko, hijo. Wala naman talaga akong alam sa mga sapi-sapi na 'yan. Sa horror movies ko lang sila nalalaman."
Mas lalo akong natigilan doon. Horro movies... Ibig sabihin, nakakatakot nga talaga ang nangyayari sa 'kin.
What if Nanay Flor knew that it was happening to me? What if anyone knew about this? Matatakot sila... Sa sarili ko nga mismo ay natatakot din ako.
Shit... People would get afraid of me
I don't want this... I hate what's happening to me.
Ginawa ko ang sinabi ni Nanay Flor. Nagpunta ako sa isang malaking simbahan at kinausap ang pari roon. But the priest told me that I wasn't being possessed. That it wasn't my case at all. May mga palatandaan daw kasi and he said while he was talking to me, I didn't even react like how a possessed person would react. I think he did some kind of test already without me being aware of it.
"Manalangin at manalig ka sa Panginoon, hijo..." the priest said. "Matutulungan ka Niya sa kung anumang nangyayari sa 'yo. Mabait ang Diyos sa sinumang naniniwala at nananalig sa Kanya."
"Iyon po ba ang dapat kong gawin para matigil na kung anong nangyayari sa 'kin?" I asked, sounding desperate.
The priest smiled at me.
"Isuko mo ang sarili mo sa Panginoon. Hindi man Niya ibigay sa 'yo nang direkta ang sagot na hinahanap mo sa problema mo, pero magbibigay S'ya ng tulong sa iyo sa iba mang paraan. Sa maliit na bagay man na ikaw mismo ay hindi mo mapapansin. Iyon ang paraan Niya para sabihing 'wag kang susuko sa pagsubok. At para malaman mong hindi ka Niya pababayaan."
I really couldn't understand that. Pero ginawa ko ang sinabi ng pari. I wasn't really a religious person. But I started to pray. I started to beg Him to stop what was happening to me. I was willing to do anything para matapos na ang kung ano mang nangyayari sa 'kin.
But... It didn't stop. Mas lumala pa. Mas naging nakakatakot pa.
Some people would suddenly approach me and would talk to me as if I knew them. Kapag tinatanong ko kung sino sila, they would get offended. Mabilis daw akong makalimot. Especially those girls who claimed that they were my girlfriend.
But I've never met them. I never knew them. But they would tell me things about me. Ako raw mismo ang nagsabi noon sa kanila.
Some would even show me photos when I was with them. Iyon ang patunay na nakilala nga nila ako. At ganoon ako sa kanila.
But it wasn't me. Hindi ako 'yon.
Fuck... Ayoko nang ganito. Pakiramdam ko, nababaliw na ako.
And when I couldn't take it anymore, I finally called Kuya Hunter.
"Gray...? What's up?" he asked. Iyon kasi ang unang beses na tumawag ako sa kanya nang hindi na hinihintay ang tawag n'ya.
Hindi kaagad ako nakapagsalita.
What's up? Ano nga ba'ng meron? Ano ba'ng sasabihin ko? I don't know where to start.
"Kumusta na, Kuya?" I asked instead. "Any news about the one who killed our parents?"
I heard Kuya sigh from the other line.
"No luck, Gray... There's no progress. It's frustrating to me. Ilang taon na akong naghahanap pero wala pa rin akong nakukuhang balita."
I could even hear his frustration in his voice. He sounded tired too. Mas lalo akong nawalan ng lakas ng loob na sabihin sa kanya kung ano'ng nangyayari sa 'kin.
He already had a lot on his plates. Marami na s'yang inaalala. Ayoko nang dumagdag.
"But don't worry, Gray. I'm doing the best I can. Mahahanap din natin ang gumawa noon sa mga magulang natin."
"I can help, Kuya..." I offered.
"No, it's okay. I can do this."
Inaasahan ko na naman iyon kahit bago ko pa ialok ang tulong ko. He always refused. He liked to do things on his own.
Maybe I should do that too? Ayoko nang dagdagan ang problema ni Kuya.
I heard Kuya sigh again.
"How about you?" he asked. "How are you, Gray..."
Ilang sandali akong hindi nakapagsalita. I really want to tell him. I wanted him to come home. To be with me. Kasi natatakot na talaga ako. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.
It was frightening, so frightening to face this all alone.
Pero maiistorbo ko si Kuya. I don't want to be a bother.
"I'm okay... With school and stuff."
There was silence. Hindi ko kaagad narinig ang pagsasalita ni Kuya. Hindi ko rin sinubukang magsalita. I don't want him to notice that there was a problem. Na alam kong iniisip n'ya na dahil ito ang unang beses na ako mismo ang tumawag sa kanya.
I know Kuya Hunter would know it. He would notice it in my voice. Kaya tumahimik na lang ako.
"Gray... You know that I'm always here for you, right?"
My eyes watered. I bit my lower lip. Imbes na gumaan ang loob ko, mas nainis at mas nasaktan pa ako sa sinabi n'ya.
Your brother's a liar. If what he said is true, then why isn't he here right now? Why isn't he with you?
I know... Iyon din ang tanong ko. He's always saying that. He wanted me to rely on him. Pero palagi naman s'yang wala.
Why aren't you even here right now, with me, Kuya...?
I wanted to ask him that. But I couldn't. So, I just secretly buried it in my chest.
I took a deep breath.
"Yeah... Thanks, Kuya."
Mabilis kong ibinaba ang telepono pagkatapos noon. He might notice that something was really wrong with that as I always bid him goodbye, but I couldn't take it anymore.
Tumitig ako sa telepono. Pain in my chest was starting to intensify as the second passed.
Then, as if all the strength left me, as if I couldn't take it anymore... My tears fell. One by one. Nagtuloy-tuloy iyon hanggang sa mapahikbi ako.
I cried silently. I cried all alone.
Alone as always.