{A Song About Love - Jake Bugg}
...But out there in the future, maybe you're the rainbow, there's no song without love, with your eyes shut you cry in your bed...
----
June 7th
As the days and weeks blended into each other, I found myself lost in the haze of happiness outside of the walls where my parents ruled my life. Elliot and I spent countless evenings together, and our dance lessons continued under the starlit sky.
Bodhi, like the peacemaker of the family, kept my secret from Mom and Dad, who most nights believed me to be in bed early instead of with Elliot. I hated lying to them, and I hated feeling this anger towards them -- they are my parents after all -- but everything was changing.
My eyes were somehow tinted with a new colour of reality I had never seen before, and the image of my life under my parents' guidance did not seem like something I wanted anymore. I wanted success, just as they did for me, but I hated feeling pushed into a life of suits, and business-like Bodhi was. Maybe rebelling in my own small way, though some may think petty and immature, was the only way for me to breathe deeply enough to see the world with my own view.
The closer I came to life outside of my parents' domain, the more returning to them became harder and harder as my lies seemed to pile on top of each other. Benjamin and I were pushed together; our parents whisper in our ears as they forced us into each other's company. We ate together in the ballroom, surrounded by chandeliers and cloth laden tables, with our families every night without fail. Each night I would watch Elliot in the distance, his uniform distinguishing him from the crowds of suits and dresses. We feigned total ignorance, as though we were strangers, except for small glances now and then, but the ballroom felt like an ocean each night, and we survived on opposing shores. I longed for the day I could swim to him freely without the threat of being pulled back by the tide.
----
"Stop it. You're practically drooling," Bodhi grinned at me.
I kicked him under the table of the ballroom as our family dined on the cloth laden tables of the light sparkled room with the Beaumonts on what had been the hottest day on record. All summer, the sun had brightened the earth and as extra ice had been filled to cool the drinks of the guests.
Elliot too was called in for extra waiting staff for the evening. He had taken a few days off, promising to hang out again as soon as he returned. I guess the shock of seeing him again made me stare.
"I was not drooling," I retaliated, perhaps a little too loudly as I turned suddenly to see Benjamin tucking heartily into his salad.
My lungs quickly deflated with relief, and I tried to calm myself from blowing my cover with Benjamin, when Elliot's blue crystal eyes met mine for a moment, his lips tilting up to one side in a silent hello I'd want to hear a thousand times.
"I'd like to propose a toast," Tim, adorned in his crisp suit, raised his champagne glass as we all responded by mirroring his action, raising our own glasses. Benjamin turned his head to look at me, his smile wide and friendly as we held on for Tim's words. "To families and friends. May we always remain this close, even when the summer ends."
"And to the hope of growing even closer," Mom winked at me from across the table, her eyes dancing between myself and Benjamin who sat on my right-hand side, his beaming grin never wavering even as he heard my Mother's insinuation.
I feigned a slight nodding grin, trying to ignore her.
"Oh, don't look now," Bodhi interjected. "Here comes lover boy."
A few of the table guests, including myself, looked up to see Elliot approaching the table, but only had heard Bodhi's sarcastic remarks, I hoped. At the same time, I smoothed down my dress and tried not to let the burning heat in my cheeks resemble anything other than a flush from the weather.
"Would any of you require some fresh drinks?"
"No, Elliot," Benjamin said curtly, almost cutting him off mid-sentence, yet his eyes were looking at me, the smile gone. "That will be all."
I tore my eyes away from Elliot to see Benjamin's grip on his ice watertight, making his knuckles blank white. I couldn't look for too long without becoming more uncomfortable than I already was, my breathing beginning to become jagged and uneven. Elliot's jaw tensed suddenly as he heard Benjamin's reply, his eyes closed as though he was trying to remain calm.
"Actually," I blurted out. "I'll have a fresh ice water please, Elliot."
I smiled widely at him, my head held high in defiance to most of those around me. Bodhi quickly caught on and joined me in my stance against the blatant ignorance of those at our table.
"I'll have a beer please, mate." He nodded in his direction, smiling slightly.
Bodhi hardly ever smiled, and so I squeezed his arm under the table to say thank you for making an effort to support me.
There was a gnawing feeling in my mind, as though something was eating away at me, and the more I thought about how my parents and the Beaumonts had treated Elliot, the angrier and more agitated I became. Was it because I was just now realising how detached our family was from the rest of the people around us, the regular holidaymakers who my parents walked past without a hello or even a smile? Was it simply that I hated the way they treated someone I cared for, while they wouldn't give him a second of their time as he was only trying to assist them, I would have jumped at the chance to get to know him.
With that sudden rush of confidence now within him, Elliot left our table with a smile on his face to retrieve our drinks.
"You really are remarkable," Benjamin took of a drink of his champagne, scoffing slightly to himself.
"I'm sorry?" I replied.
His tone had a razor-sharp edge that I neither liked nor wished to put up with.
"Nothing. I'm just shocked that you can be so kind to perfect strangers. He's here to serve us, not to strike up a casual conversation." My parents continued to eat, but I had suddenly lost my appetite.
"Everyone starts as strangers," I said quietly. "It's called having manners to be kind to someone who is serving you. Maybe you missed the memo."
"You don't want to give him ideas above his station, Avalina."
With every word, I watched as Benjamin's perfect exterior eroded before me, and I was left with a person I neither recognised nor liked. He seemed desperate for me to see Elliot the way he did, for whatever reason or excuse he may have had, but I couldn't.
The accusation that Elliot would be some 'low-life' who would take advantage of anyone who gave him the slightest bit of attention made me angrier. I was trying to keep calm, but maybe it was all the lying, or maybe it was the tension that always seemed to exist between my parents, or maybe it was just the heat, but I was ready to explode.
"Oh, I get it. You're only unhappy because I was nice to the staff. Pardon me, Your Highness."
"Avalina!" Dad quickly lifted his eyes. "I apologise she is just over-tired. It's the heat."
Dad shot me a death glare that slumped me back in my seat. The only time he looked up at me all night was because his precious promotion was at stake as Benjamin and I bickered back and forth. Still, I hated seeing my Dad look at me like that, so I sat back in my chair, hoping to fade into the wallpaper or disappear entirely.
"It's perfectly alright," Benjamin smiled to my Dad. "I can't help but feel that having such a kind-hearted daughter must give you so much strife. It's usually the kind girls who are so easily led astray." Benjamin discreetly gestured to Elliot, who was fortunately oblivious, as he returned with our drinks.
He placed my ice water in front of me, leaning over to collect my empty glass, his familiar cologne warm and comforting. I thanked him quietly for my drink, as Benjamin's eyes narrowed in on his target. He was trying to pull me away from Elliot, but all his actions were doing was pushing me away from himself.
I liked being near Elliot. It felt safe and comfortable, while I felt I was walking on eggshells with my parents. I couldn't do anything right by them anymore. My smile soon returned. I watched Elliot's graceful frame stretch to retrieve empty glasses. Mom and Dad stared on in perturbation at him, affronted by his presence, their plates empty and their eyes locked on to Elliot, as Benjamin's twisted words indoctrinated their minds.
"Tell me, Elliot." Mom began, concern etched into her voice. "How is life as a waiter?"
Bodhi shot me a look that I had known to mean only one thing. Stormy seas were ahead.
----
After gruelling minutes of Mom and Dad interrogating Elliot, while he tried to feign a reason to leave the table, as he shuffled on his feet, fidgeting with the empty glasses. I felt like jabbing my eyes with my salad fork, to save myself the torture of listening to my Mother's conversation with Elliot unfold before me.
"So, once your employment here ends after Summer, what do you plan on doing?" Her tone was dripping in a venomous passivity that I had only ever heard once before, towards Dad. It was terrifying to encounter.
"I want to dance. I was trained when I was younger, but I want to continue. I'm hoping my wages and tips here will be enough to get me through school. If not, then who knows."
It was like watching a horror film you watch through your fingers as they shield your eyes. You're horrified, yet are unable to look away. After a while, Mom unlatched her claws from Elliot, giving him a chance to escape. As he left us, his eyes looked back to me, and I shook my head apologetically.
"I guess not everyone understands that not all dreams come true. Still, better not kick a man when he is down, eh?" Tim laughed as he sipped his champagne again.
That was it. I snapped.
"I'm sorry. I'm not feeling well. Excuse me," I stood, throwing my napkin down as I exited the room, hastily saying goodnight to those at the table.
I could hear Bodhi standing up after me, ready to walk out and make sure I was okay, but Mom's voice permeated the room.
"Sit down, Bodhi." She snapped.
The footsteps stopped, and I knew I was alone.
How could I be related to people who saw themselves as so morally, mentally and economically 'superior' to everyone else? Why did I have to associate myself with such apathetic people who could not ever see themselves in anyone else's shoes unless they were designer? When did my parents, the people I loved the most, become these distorted versions I no longer recognised?
"Avalina," Dad's voice lurked behind me as he caught up with me outside the ballroom, the warm night air leaving no breeze to cool down with.
"If you're going to lecture me, can we please not do it here?"
I gripped the metal railing, holding myself steady. I was emotional, angry, confused. I wanted to turn around and tell my Dad that I loved him, and I wanted to tell him that it would all be okay, that I could continue this charade with Benjamin, who seemed to mirror every aspect of his Father. But it won't.
"Why can't you understand how important this summer is to me? To this entire family? Is it so hard for you to comprehend?" He looked as exhausted as I felt. His eyes were ringed with darkness, and his hand seemed to shake from exhaustion.
"Understand it? Of course, I do!" This emotion was all coming out as anger, no matter how hard I wanted to curb it and make him see how strained our family has become. "It's all I ever hear you talk about. I understand the pressure you've put on me; trust me. I get it."
It was all tumbling out of my mouth in some angry fit of honesty. I was sick of being a puppet for my Dad to succeed.
"You are my daughter. You do as you are told. I am your father. You respect me." His condescending tone made my blood boil.
He never used to be like this.
"If you acted like a Dad, maybe I'd show you some respect." He took a few steps back as my words hit him like a runaway train.
I watch the words sink in as he became as stony and detached as ever and I held in the shame as he turned to leave.
"I don't even know who you are anymore." He held his jaw, sighing audibly as though his last thread of patience had finally snapped. "You will make it up the Beaumonts tomorrow. Until then.." His voice cracked slightly. "Go home to the cabin. I don't want to speak to you right now. " He turned away, leaving me on the patio, as I allowed the tears to flow.
My heart had been torn by finally expressing what I'd never been able to say, and it all came out wrong.
----
"Ava?" Elliot walked over the gravel path near his cabin where I had been sitting for a little while, unsure of where else to go.
My cardigan was draped over my shoulders, stained with mascara tears. He knelt before me on the small step near his door, running his hands over my arms, warming them. He looked like he didn't know what to do or say to make it all better. Nothing could.
I had walked there swirling in a blur of emotions, waiting for him to return. I didn't want to go home, and the guilt inside me was eating me up. I wanted him to tell me it was all going to be okay.
"Ell--" I tried to say his name, but only a sob followed.
"Hey, what is it? What's wrong?" He tilted my chin up so that I could meet his worried eyes.
"I had a f-fight with m-my Dad. He doesn't want me near h-him. I didn't know where else to go."
Before I even finished my sentence, I was crying again. He bundled me into his arms, rocking me gently to calm me. His breathing was steady, but from the tears rising in his own eyes which he quickly dispersed, he hated seeing me like this too.
"Shhh. It's all going to be okay, remember?" He pulled away, facing me again as he wiped away my tears. I was calming slightly, but my chest felt heavy, and my heart hurt.
"Can I stay here tonight?" My answer came in the form of a hug and his lips brushing my forehead.
"Of course."
----