Written: 11/15/22
Word Count: 1,673
Two weeks after living with Kakashi Hatake, I encountered his first night terror.
I burst awake, my senses immediately more alert than I usually was when I first opened my eyes. I looked around, knowing something loud had woken me up, but not remembering what kind of noise it was.
Sitting up in my bed, I observed my surroundings, straining my hearing to detect the slightest noise.
Where did it come from?
Where would it come from next?
It was still dark, so I could only see the barest of shadows lit through my thick curtains by the streetlamp sitting at one end of the driveway.
Another thud—the cadence of something moving close by—sent shivers skittering down my arms. The noise came from behind me, the sound barricaded by the walls.
My eyes widened as I realized.
Kakashi.
Anxiety gripped me in its clutches, making me question what to do next. Did I get up and see what's going on out there? What if I saw something I'm not supposed to?
Would I be more bothersome if I went out there to see what had happened?
Embarrassingly, there was one deciding factor that finally pushed me out of my sleep-warmed sheets, and that was the fact I didn't have to get up for work later. It was one of my blessed two days off in the week, so it didn't matter if I lost out on some sleep.
I slid my legs from the covers first, the sound breaking a deep creak from the old mattress.
Padding to my room's door with quiet socks, I held the door knob tight, spinning it slow enough that it hardly spun at all. If I didn't, I knew the loose thing might rattle its old, burnished metal straight into the night.
I didn't want whatever had made that sudden thumping noise to know I was awake.
Luckily, my door was the old kind with the burnished gold metal, thick enough to turn only slightly and move the door's inner mechanisms.
Or, however doors worked.
The oven's faint light that illuminated the peeling, flowery wallpaper stretched across only this one wall glowed an eerie orange. It was the kind of dim orange that was similar to the streetlamp outside—the one source of light for the complex's entire driveway.
I walked down my tiny hall fitted with the other bedroom and the tiny bathroom at the very end. The noise had come from behind my headboard, which could only mean one thing.
It came from Kakashi's room.
I hesitated outside of his closed door, wondering what to do next. I didn't want to wake the man if he was sleeping deeply, but I knew that no ordinary movement could have made a noise that intense.
Slowly, I tapped at the door with my middle knuckle. Rapping twice, I called out in a quiet voice, "Um, Kakashi? Are—is—is everything okay in there?"
I waited, anxiety peaked in my throat. It hadn't been such a daredevil move, but it was still past my comfort zone. Calling out to a handsome man in his room made my throat clench and my fingers tremble where they sat against the door.
After an entire minute of silence, I could wait no longer. Clearing my throat, I tried again. Louder, this time. "Kakashi? Are you okay? I heard a sound—"
Another thud came, nearly surprising my bladder into an impromptu introduction. I flew back in shock, my shoulders pinging painfully against the wall behind me. Tired, anxious, and now bruised, I felt tears burn at my eyes.
Such a stupid feeling, but my discomfort was real. I couldn't help what I couldn't help.
Wallowing in self-hatred, I curled my hands into fists at my side. Their tensed trembling eased my sudden burst of anger, and the tears fell away as quickly as they'd appeared.
That apathy thing is a bitch, I swear.
I blew out a breath, trying to remember the exact noise. Could there possibly be an intruder? Could Kakashi be in trouble in any way?
I nearly snorted to myself at the prospect. After years of living here—two of them completely alone—I'd never had a break-in. What poor, unfortunate soul would have the kind of shitty luck to break into a place that had nothing of extreme worth...and worse, come face-to-face with Kakashi Hatake, asleep in his borrowed bed?
Shaking my head, I cleared it of useless thoughts. I'm not sure an intruder wouldn't be making any noise if they were still conscious. Going up against Kakashi ought to make some noise.
I mean, it's not like professional spies would be the intruders.
This wasn't some fantasy land, despite the fact I was now roommates with a famous ninja from an anime.
But if it couldn't be an intruder, then what could it be? Could Kakashi be training?
But then, why didn't he respond when I called out to him? He didn't have any earphones to listen to music while working out.
Then, I remembered.
Night terrors.
My throat suddenly felt extremely parched as the reality of the situation dampened the anxiety running through me. It was like a blast of cold wind, bringing me right back down to earth.
Kakashi experienced night terrors where he dreamed about killing Rin, accidentally, in a failed mission.
Near the end of Shippuden, there had been a special set of episodes dedicated to Kakashi's life as an Anbu, before he'd met Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. Kakashi, driven mad with guilt and grief, could only throw himself into his missions and become more and more of a hardened killer, thriving only in darkness. He didn't go out with his friends, he didn't date anyone. Heck, he didn't even read those damn Makeout Paradise books in his spare time.
But he did have nightmares. Rin, impaling herself on his lightning blade as a self-sacrifice to keep her out of the Hidden Mist Village's clutches, often caused him to wake up in a frenzy, as depicted in the show. The fear, guilt, and terror followed him every night, while every day was filled with ruthless decisions made by a cold-blooded killer.
I had been horrified the first time I'd watched those episodes. I'd really been looking forward to seeing Kakashi's life before he became a teacher, but I'd been unprepared for the sadness that had followed on his heels, constantly haunting him.
It all became clear to me then. The kids had brought Kakashi back into the light. Though he'd still had Guy, Asuma, and Kurenai caring for him, he'd been so sucked into the darkness plaguing him that he hadn't been able to see it. It wasn't until he'd met the kids that he dared to dream of the future, and it wasn't until the Fourth Great Shinobi War that Kakashi had been able to confront the worst memories living inside of his soul, finding the path forward to peace within himself.
Even with all the knowledge I had of his affliction, there was nothing I could do to stop it. If I did a quick Google search on how to support him, I'm sure I would find contradictory methods because every case is unique.
If I walked in there, he might be in a lucid dreaming state and mistake me for one of the Hidden Mist ninjas trying to capture Rin. Keeping my distance would also be wrong because Kakashi was making a lot of noise—what if he accidentally hurt himself in there, and I stood here, doing nothing?
And if I opened that door, trying to call out to him, there was no guarantee he would wake up.
But what if he did?
What could I possibly say?
What words could I use to make any of the emotions plaguing him even a little bit better?
But... My thoughts stopped me cold, and I felt my sharp intake of breath.
What if I did nothing at all, and he learned that I'd stood out here, purposefully doing nothing? How would I ever be able to look him in the eye again?
I have to try. Dammit, Gracie, get yourself together right this instant. Just for a second, just for one goddamn minute, stop thinking about yourself and actually try to help someone.
If you blunder, then whatever. At least you tried, right? Nobody can fault you for trying...but they can fault you for doing nothing.
Resolve and self-hatred warred their way through my chest, now feeling bruised at the mental gymnastics in my mind. I steeled myself as best I could, already regretting everything I was about to do.
I knew I was going to say something stupid again...if I could get the man to wake up at all.
Weren't ninjas supposed to be light sleepers? How has Kakashi not woken up yet?
Realizing I didn't know if the man in question was still asleep or not, I quickly opened the door, revealing the low-rise bed smushed close to the left wall, just like in my room. Unlike my room, however, there weren't any curtains or blinds and the space was jammed with things I hadn't gotten around to dealing with yet.
You know how life accumulates boxes of meaningless garbage?
Kakashi was nowhere in sight, and my heart plummeted straight to my toes. I froze, unsure if I should step inside. The idea of an intruder seemed a lot more possible right now.
He'd spent most of the past few nights patrolling or on the couch watching Naruto. What if he wasn't even in the apartment right now, and this really was an intruder?
But I swore I heard him say he wasn't planning to be out long tonight...So shouldn't he be back by now?
A flailing arm flashed up and out of sight on the far side of the ground covered by the bed.
I swear, I jumped almost high enough to bump my head against the doorway that tall people like Kakashi casually brushed under everytime they moved.
"Ka–kashi?"