"Lian!! Lian!!"
"LIAN!!"
I almost jolted awake, who the fuck is annoying me this early in the morning?
"YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF DRESSED YOUNG MAN!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT'S THE TIME?"
It's mom of course who else it would be? i mean it's not like i have any friends.
"Mom, can you please like not shout at like 6 in morning?" i replied as I forced myself out of bed. There is something about normal that pisses me off so much, the same old crap every fucking day, such a mediocre routine i have to follow every fucking day just so i can prove to others that I am educated? What a joke. Well isn't it too early in the morning to even ponder over such nonsense but i can't seem to help it when I have practically all the time in the world.
"Lian, aren't Feng Xin and Mu Qing going to pick you up in the morning?"
"Please spare me the horror mother, i prefer not to begin my day with their nonsensical crap."
"I thought you guys were friends?"
"we're not okay? So i'll be taking my leave now." i replied.
"Lian, at least greet your dad before leaving, have you even had a decent conversation with him in the past week?"
For some reason i happen to hurt a bit from that question, for i had almost forgotten about his existence I mean what's there to remember someone who isn't free enough to spend time with his only son, who am i even kidding i bet he doesn't even know my age. It's always the more appropriate option to not have any expectations, it always leads to disappointment.
"The day he is able to tell my correct age, i might consider it." I couldn't help but notice the melancholy on my mother's face as she registers my answer but i wish to ignore it. I move forward to give her a soft hug and proceed to leave for school. "I'll see you in the evening mum, take care."
The breeze is unpleasantly pleasant today, the way i walk under the clouds of my doubts, the silent noise of the cars, as i walk past hundreds of stories left unheard, i wonder if one day i would be able to walk past the silence, the unbearable silence, certainly what I have is freedom with nobody to question me, nobody to have expectations to, nobody to listen, but do I really want it? Even if i do i would never show it for i have always encountered anguish in return, i would never make the same mistakes twice, never stand in the same waters again.
I found myself taking a different route to school today, not the usual, the unusual. It was the longer route, i would always prefer the shortcuts in that way i can reach early, i wouldn't have to be dragged in crowds of rats or be asked a million questions by the teachers. But today i couldn't care less, i kept on walking, walking past the scenery of withered flowers, overbearing sun, is it even sunny? I couldn't focus. It was cloudy, all of it was cloudy, i can't decipher what I feel today, Loneliness? Sadness? Grief? Indifference? i don't know. But i knew the bench, that empty bench across the park, was calling out to me, an inanimate object calling out to me? interpret it however you wish but i knew it was.
I kept my bag which felt too heavy today, maybe it's just my emotions weighing down my sanity. In moment of inescapable silence, i chose music, the thought of choosing the perfect song for this imperfect moment was calming. I found myself listening to stray kids' silent cry, it just felt the right song, I don't have even the slight intension to listen to anyone's silent cry but maybe just maybe if i listen to my cry for help, i just might be able to help myself.
it just felt so unreal, me possibly skipping classes, sitting in this remote park, listening to this band, it felt so unlike me but so like me at the same time? At that moment thousand questions rose from the grave of my heart. I close my eyes, i see me, that 10 year old me, he's laughing at me, no, he's smiling. I ask him,"why are you laughing at me?" he doesn't respond, he laughs again. He is a child how could his voice hold such disgust? Is he disgusted at me?
"Are you laughing at me?"
"look at you, you are dirty."
Quickly i dust off any dirt off me as if it was visible. "it's not dirt on you, it's you who's dirty."
"why do you think that?" Just before he is about to answer me, a tear fell from my barren eyes. I just silently cried, i didn't sob or wimp, just let that feeling of disgust sink in. How long has it been since i've begun to hate myself to this extent, maybe that day, i do not know.
Just in that moment, i hear something, it's faint, it's unbearably faint but it's still audible to me, as if someone is speaking with me, not physically but through me? The voice is subtle, it's soft, it's comforting, it feels as if how a home is supposed to feel.
"gege."
i tremble at the word, i do not know why or who is saying it, but for some weird reason I do not question it. Just then.
"Lian." I turned back and see him.
"You, what are you doing here?"
In that moment I realize my cheeks were still damp with tears, then it hit me, that someone had seen me cry, this is one thing i never wanted anyone to see, even in my nightmares, nobody is allowed to see me cry except for myself. Nobody.
I feel disgusted, vulnerable, i feel his pitiful eyes looking at me, i don't need your pity, throw it away, i don't need anyone. I think but i find myself wiping my tears away on a whim.
"Well, I always take this route to school and i happen to see you, what's the harm in approaching you?" Hua Cheng asks.
"I told you, I'm not interested in associating myself with you. Stay away from me." I reply with visible anger in my eyes, for some reason I happen to always get furious when this guy confronts me. It's something about him i dislike.
"Xie Lian, Something about you, i just can't seem to keep my distance." he says as he slowly pierces his crimson eyes right though my soul. His eyes, his unusual crimson eyes, how could they hold such anguish in them.
"Well then control your horny self, i don't have time for your bullshit this early in the morning." I say as I move my gaze away from his, practically rushing to escape him.
"Is that stray kids you are listening to?"
No fucking way, how does this fucker know stray kids, fuck now i need to acknowledge his good taste in music. Fuck this. (stay in the building bitches)
"Well i prefer Red lights over any of their tracks." Hua Cheng says as his smile turns into a wicked smirk. This fucker.
"I knew you were a horny fucker, well now that you have wasted my time, i shall take my leave." Only if he didn't interrupted me a billion times.
"Are you seriously going to walk to school?" he asks.
"No shit sherlock, now if your annoying ass will stop interrupting me every two seconds it would be much appreciated." I was going to leave but then he holds my hand, this bitch.
"Excuse you? What the hell do you think you are doing?" I say as i break myself out of his grip.
"Let me drive you to school, it's faster that way." Hua Cheng replies as he crosses his arms.
"No, thank you, I'm well enough to walk to school."
"Well school is 30 minutes away from here by car and if you decide to walk all the way it would take you 50 minutes to say the least and if you get late , you're gonna get detention again, would you prefer that?"
Fuck, he made some decent arguments, i don't want to get detention again, if i do i would have to deal with those good for nothing rats again. Oh well.
"Why are you trying to act all sweet? What's your true motive? I really couldn't care for your little act here."
Instead of answering me, he slowly walks towards me, i couldn't help but notice his tall built, his almost satiny black hair, his deep crimson eyes, as much as i hate to admit it, he is a handsome man.
He slowly lifts my chin allowing me to face his eyes, his touch, i've never felt such a gentle touch.
"I'm not acting sweet, i care for you."
This sentence was almost hard to register, it might be first time i've ever heard someone say that they care for me, but i knew it was all an act, i won't let him get to me or so i thought.
"Why do you care for me?" i couldn't help but ask.
"Because it's you."