POV: Vance TW: Drugs, not eating, self hatred
'Ow, fuck!' I think and I sit up scratching my neck. 'What the fuck happened. Oh.' Guilt runs through my mind and I feel like crying at my poor choices last night. I don't cry even though I can feel the tears picking at my eyes. I wipe my eyes, but don't think twice before quickly cheeking my pockets for the cocaine I know I brought last night.
I cheek both my pockets and don't know how to feel when there's nothing in them. My eyes widen as I get up as quick as I can with my ribs and back hurting like hell, I remember last night and think of how happy, how carefree I was. I wanna feel that again. I look at the ground and spot a little bag staring back at me. I pick it up.
I see a nearby park and basically run towards it. There are kids at the park but I could care less. This is the rich part of town and I don't even remember how I got here, but I'm guessing by running because my legs hurt like hell when I do a light jod towards the park.
I see an old lady holding a hardcover book and walk over to her.
"Um, excuse me," She looks at me and smiles. I'm surprised. "Are you new to town?" I ask, "Oh, no. I'm just visiting, what'd you say your name was, sweetheart?" I look at her face for a second before realising she's not joking, "Vance Hopper, miss" I put on my best good boy act on before asking. "May I use your book for just a minute?. There's a fly over at my bench and its annoying me, I just wanna use your book to swat it away.
"Oh, of course sweetheart." She puts the bookmark in her book and passes it to me, I smile at her for just a moment before walking away to a bench a little away from the playground bit of the park.
Once I reach the bench I had never even sat at I pretend to try to hit a fly. And why she's not looking I do three quick lines on the book before dusting the excess off with my palm and continuing to pretend hit a fly. I then walk back over to the lady whom gave me the book. "Thank you" I hate smiling, just got to keep the act up for a little while longer. "Of its fine, don't even worry about it, I needed a break from reading anyway". When I pass the book back I can tell she was lying because she spends no time getting back to reading whatever she was reading. She's so interested she doesn't even question when I don't walk back to the bench.
I walk and walk, still having no idea where I am. (Again I'm on the rich side of town and have clue where I am.) I walk past a town pool that I've never been to, only heard of from the popular kids at school. I then walk in till I see a laundry place I had to go to wash my clothes when me and my dad broke the old washing machine while fighting. He had slammed me into the machine so hard it stopped working.
I know where I am. I'm not close to home. its still almost a forty-five minute walk." As I keep walking a see a town hall and read the time, its probably one of the only useful things I've learnt while going to school my whole life, the clock reads 7:43 AM.I'm lucky its so early in the morning, I have to meet up with the boys at 9:30 AM to hangout.
As I'm halfway home I notice a certain house. Michael, Michael moved here at the peak of my addiction when he was getting clean from Alcohol. He only pissed in the fucking cup if I promised I try to get better. As I'm about to walk past I remember whose house I'm going to. Bruce's. His mum probably knows more about me then he does, she's going to know somethings wrong with me, even when I act even the slightest bit happy she drug tests me. I know she means good but it gets a little annoying. I walk up the steps and softly knock on the wooden door.
While I wait patiently for the door to open I think of what to say. 'I'm sorry I couldn't stay clean but can you piss in a cup for me? Also don't tell anyone, thanks' like that would just be an asshole move.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts as the door opens, and Michael reveals himself at the door looking happy as ever. I've been going to Michael's every week he helps me try to stay clean. His smile grows at the sight of me. "Hello, Vance. its not Friday yet, is it?" he seams not to sure of himself. "No its only Wednesday, I just wanted to see if we can talk?" I let one tear fall from my eye but hold the others in as I wipe it away.
His smile is replaced with a sad one. "Sure come in, and tell me what's happened"
He offers me a cup of tea and I kindly decline. We both sit down tea-less, "so how've you been?" I ask. I regret coming here. I don't even regret what I did, he's going to so disappointed and that's worse then any guilt that comes my way. Disappointment kills people.
"I've been good thank you, but you and me both know were not here to talk about my life so, what's got you down?"
I spill. I tell him everything that's happened last night and what I did this morning, I tell him I would like for him to pee in a cup so I can keep my secret hidden. I tell him about the voices and urges and how they made me fell, I tell him their why I relapsed, why I couldn't take it anymore. I tell him sorry over and over after almost every sentence, and I tell him I don't regret relapsing. The whole time he just sits there and listens to me.
"I'm just not as strong as you." I put my head down in shame and for the first time since I started talking he speaks. "Vance, a lot of people with addiction don't get better, don't say that your not strong enough because you are. A lot of people don't make it this far, and like how you told me you don't feel bad, you might not right now but when you get sober." He looks away from my face and I can tell he's crying. "You'll hate yourself for weeks." He doesn't seem to want to tell me more so I don't ask him to. We just sit for about thirty seconds in quietness.
Michael stands up and walks to the bathroom. 'He doesn't want me here." As I'm about to walk to the front door he hands me a plastic container with his pee in it, I've never been such a hugger but at this moment I guess I am because I jump straight into his arms chucking my arms around he neck. he hugs me back. The hug only lasted about ten seconds but It was meaningful.
"Let me drop you home?" Michael asks pulling away from the hug a bit. I don't say anything but nod my head.
We listened to music the whole way to my house and share a quick hug before I get out and walk I side to see my dad passed out on the couch, beer from his hand dripping on the floor, 'looks like he just got to sleep.'
After I checked the time on the microwave I walk back to my room and even thought I'm still high I snort three more lines, with the container of pee on my desk.
I wipe my nose and breath in 3 times before betting dressed. I put on loose jeans and a baggy t-shirt. I make sure to strap the container to my thigh so it stays warm, I then fix up my hair and sneak into my dads room for some more drugs. I only get a big bag of weed because I've still got like three line of coke left. 'how the fuck does he afford this shit?' I ask myself while I chuck the weed under my bed.
I grab a jumper and make my way to Bruce's house.
Last time I cheeked the time it was 8:45 AM which means its probably 9:00 AM now. Were all meeting up at 9:30 though. The walk to Bruce's is fifteen minutes so I'm in no rush. Instead I just walk slower and light a cigarette, If I wasn't high right now I'd probably already be at Bruce's, or overthinking about talking to him.
I don't know why but for the past couple weeks its like I cant stop looking at Bruce when we hangout.
When I arrived at Bruce's house I see Robin, Finney and Bruce sitting outside, I was smoking my fifth cigarette for the walk and it only had a little left so I take a couple long drags with my back facing the boys so they don't see, I then chuck the fucker on the ground and rub it out with my foot.
I walk up to Bruce's house and Robin's the first one to notice me. "Sup cunt" he yells before Misses Yamada runs out to scold him, I chuckle and walk up the steps and when she turns around. "Oh, Vance" she then basically runs towards me and wraps me in a hug, once again not a hugger but I hug her back anyway.
"Have you been smoking?" she asks but I've already got a lie for that question, "nah, was talking to dad before I came" but she quick to ask another question, "just talking?" yep she knows about that to, I put my hands on her shoulders "just talking."
I go and take a seat next to Bruce and get comfortable and try to hide the limp in my body that I cant physically feel because of the drugs, but Misses Yamada notices, I can tell by the way she looks at me but she doesn't say anything, "Are you hungry boys?" she asks, everyone replies with "yes" or a nod of the head but I don't move. Just thinking about food makes me feel sick to my stomach.
The boys all start a convocation and Billy and Griffin join when they come through the front door. I didn't even know they were here.
About twenty minutes later Misses Yamada calls us inside and, oh shit. Pizza. We all go and sit in the lounge room. I don't feel hungry and that's a good thing, right?.
Everyone got paper plates and had got either one or two slices. I just sat there staring at the boxes of pizza, one of them had already been half gone laying on people plates.
Misses Yamada walks in and notices me staring at the boxes. "Are you going to eat, Vance?" She asks, "nah I ate before I came" I lied, "you sure? There's plenty of pizza" she seems unsure if I'm lying or not but she must of bought it because she takes a seat next to me and scoops up her own slice of pizza setting it on her paper plate.
After a little time goes by while everyone is still eating, I sneak my way to the bathroom. Locking the door behind me. I get the powder out of my pocket and pour the last of the contents on the counter next to the sink, I line them up with a business card I stole from the table in the lounge room and put my hair in a shitty low bun before snorting the white powdery magic. It doesn't feel like enough, I pick up the tiny bag and try to pour more onto the counter but nothing comes out I then put the bag up to my face opening the bag as I wide as I can and putting my tongue inside trying to get enough coke in my mouth. Then.
POV: Bruce
"You think Vance is acting a little weird?" Robin asks, me Billy and Griffin just stare not having a clue what he was going on about. "Yeah first he lied about smoking when Linda asked" Finney questioned "he probably didn't wanna get caught" I say. "And why was he limping?" Finney askes to himself but Robin beats him to answering it, "it might be his dad" 'what?' I look at Billy and Griffin and they look just as surprised as I do. I think Robin and Finney forgot the rest of us were there. "He wasn't eating either, but then again he said he ate earlier, I just don't know if I trust him on that."
Then I remember.
"Well he seemed strange when I went for my walk this morning" everyone looks at me. "How was he acting?" Robin asks, "Well he wasn't really awake. At least I don't think so." I pause "he was sleeping on some random persons front yard, on the rich side of town to, probably an hours walk from his house"
Robin and Finney look at each other, their eyes widened as something hit them. Robin runs to the bathroom and knocks on the door, while Finney goes to the kitchen to get my mum, I try my best to listen to what my mum and Finney are talking about but for some reason all I here is "drugs" or "relapsed" but I probably heard wrong.
POV: Vance
"Come on dude" Robin yells from the other side of the door. He continues knocking I wipe the excess coke from the counter and flush the toilet while I put the empty bag in my pocket I unlock the door and leave, but It looks like Robin wants to say something. "What?" He walks in and says "Linda wants you to take a drug test" "if you cant tell I just went to the toilet dickhead."
About an hour later Linda (Misses Yamada) comes over to me "sweety can you take a drug test?" I get up and slowly walk to the bathroom "yeah sure but I'm going home after."
We do the whole drug test thing and turns out I'm "sober"
I then say my goodbyes and pat Bruce's back before starting to walk home.
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