Thiiiiiiiiis...........
Was an impuls
Please don't hurt me.
It's not very long but you kind of get an idea of where I'm going with this story.
Maybe.
Omfg I don't know anymore.
Enjoy (I'm sorry).
_________________________
In your dreams, you keep coming back to the same scenario.
You are surrounded by white sand, in an endless landscape with only thin white trees spread across the sand dunes. Above you is a dark sky with a lonely moon. Not a star in sight. When you look down you are closer to the ground than usual. Your legs and arms are shorter and you fingers are shorter and stubby.
Your a child again.
You sit down in the sand and starts playing with it, not realizing a humongous creature approaching you. It has a lizard like appearance and roars when it's right behind you. Your eyes widen as you turn around.
You scream. Your voice is higher, it's the scream of a child. You crawl backwards but the lizard like monster is faster and toys with you by nibbling at your feet. Tears pour down your cheeks as a new scream pierces through the air.
But it's not yours.
You shake frantically and cover your eyes with your small hands. And you continue to sit like that until you realize that you can't hear the sound of the monsters feet dragging through the sand. So you look up. And you are met by the most beautiful of blue eyes one can ever imagine.
You reach out to touch the new strange creature standing in front of you. But it growls and backs away from you, turning around to leave. So you start crying again. And you continue to do so until you feel a soft nudge on your cheek.
It's back again, making a purring sound and you smile and cups it's big head to get a better look at its eyes. Without knowing why you laugh. It's a innocent giggle, making the creatures eyes grow wider.
"Beautiful" you say and trace the black lines under the rich blue eyes. You start to pet it along its cheek and it grunts satisfied. When it lays down in front of you, a giant cloud of sand flies up into the air and you giggle again. It snarls and you continue to pet it, for gods know how long.
And that's when you wake up.
________________________
"Focus Y/N", says Ulquiorra standing a couple of meters away from you.
Right now you are fighting a middle ranked arrancar, who's name you don't even remember. So that Lord Aizen can evaluate you progress. You dodge his blows with ease, but you can already hear your pulls pounding in your ears and sweat starting to form on you forehead.
You can't keep this up forever.
"Come on! Kill her!" Cheers other arrancars, sitting along the walls of the thrown room. This time when he raises his sword you dance around him and stabs him in his shoulder with your sword.
You were given your sword as a gift from Aizen himself, in the beginning of your training. It's as long as your arm, and is straight except in the tip where it has a slight curve. One side is dull and made for blocking while the others so sharp you get cut when you touch it. And that's how it got its name: Sectis*
The arrancar roars as Sectis slits the skin and blood splatters on the floor, making it slippery. You spin your blade around in your hand, flicking your wrist sending the blood flying through the air.
The arrancar charges towards you again. With a swift blow you leave a deep cut in his hand, making him drop his sword. Next you cut him two more times, one above each knee.
He falls over, kneeling in front of you. You feel disgusted.
"Well done Y/N, I see all the training have given results", says Aizen looking down on you. You put your sword back in its sheath again, getting ready to leave.
"Y/N, you are not finished yet", you stop and turn around slowly, unsure of what he means.
"He is clearly not of any use to me anymore, you are to dispose of him", his words makes your entire body freeze.
"Immediately", his glare is so intense you have to look away.
Is this another test?
You look at the hunched over arrancar, he's shaking and bleeding a lot. There is no question, if you were in his place he would not hesitate on killing you.
But no matter how hard you try, you can only barely pull your sword out again. But you can't even lift it anymore.
"Y/N, that was an direct order from
Aizen-sama, you have no right to refuse", Ulquiorras voice is sharp as a knife.
"So follow through with it".
You can't. It has been hard for you to fight from the beginning, but you manage through thinking that it's in self defense. But to kill? Kan you really just end a life?
The answers no. No you can't.
"No", you say and stares into the floor that has been dyed red.
"Excuse me?" Says Ulquiorra and takes a step towards you.
"I refuse" you say and stares right into Aizens cold brown eyes. His face is emotionless. Until he raises his chin and looks down at you with despise and disappointment.
"Is that so", you jump when you hear his voice right behind you.
"To bad you do not have the privilege of refusing my orders" his mouth is just beside your ear as he whispers, making every hair on your body stand up:
"Just because you are soft", he grips your arm so tight you whimper in pain. You can feel him smiling. He pulls back from you, but not letting go of your arm.
"Grimmjow" he speaks and loud footsteps echo in the dead quiet room. The sixth espada doesn't even look at you.
"Yes?" He says and stands beside Aizen, his voice is loaded with irritation.
"I have a new job for you", Aizen says and takes a few steps away from you, letting go of your arm.
"You will continue her training in combat, and you will teach her how to respect her authorities, and what happens when she doesn't" Aizen looks at Grimmjow with a glare.
"But most important" the world stops spinning as you already know what he is about to say.
"You will force that innocence out of her, and show her how to kill merciless. Starting now". You look over your shoulder, seeing your new mentor with a cruel grin across his face. You don't even know who you are most afraid of anymore. Him, or Aizen.
"Better get started then" he says and takes a hold of the hand that's still gripping your sword. You try squirming away but he grips your hand so tight you don't have any other choice than to stand still, letting him raise your sword till its high over the arrancars head.
"Please no" you whisper and desperately shake your head.
"Don't make me do this is beg you" you say to Aizen, watching you closely. He only smiles when he sees the tears rolling town your cheeks and your pleading voice.
"You'll do it at three" Grimmjow says close to your ear.
"One" he says and grips your hand even tighter around the sword.
"No!"you try pulling away as much as you can, not caring anymore if someone thinks that you are "soft" or "weak".
"Two" this time he says it right into your ear, making you advert your face away from him, closing your eyes.
"Oh god please no" you whisper as a last plead and looks into the eyes of the arrancar. He looks back at you with eyes filled with fear and suffering. And you can't stop thinking that you did this to him. It's your fault.
"Three".
The sword meets no resistance as it cuts deep into the body. The second Grimmjow lets go of your hand you jump backwards, the sword still buried into the dead body. Chock, fills your body and you can't even breath anymore.
You did this.
You killed a man.
_______________________
You swear at him. Until you voice is weak and wheezing. You desperately try punching him when he carries you out of the thrown room, like a sac of potatoes.
He only laughs at you. And continues walking.
You are woken taken out of your thoughts when you hear the sound of a door closing. You collect the little power that you have left in your body and manages to break free from him, landing on the cold hard floor.
"Throwing stunts like that will get you killed, sweetheart" Grimmjow says as he closes the door and locks it. You look around. It's a big room. It's spacious and a dim moonlight shines through a window above a humongous bed. The bed cheats are rolled up and the bed cover is laying on the floor. The room is filled with a thick and smokey smell, making you feel a little dizzy.
Grimmjow turns to look at you. Like really look at you. He examines every part of your body with his piercing blue eyes, no shame at all. Then he reaches out and grabs your hand, the one he almost crushed a minute ago.
"Is anything broken?", he asks and studies your slightly purple fingers.
You answer by slapping him across his face.
You press your hand against your chest and backs away from him. A red mark is starting to form on his cheek.
"YOU" he hisses with so much anger you take a step back.
"Need to calm the fuck down" he says, so calm but so furious you take yet another step back. He turns his head to look at you. His chest raises and he breaths rapidly. You start stepping further away from him but in a second he catches you and holds you still by your shoulders.
"Let me go" you murmur and look away from him, new tears falling from your face.
"No listen to me", he says and tries to find your eyes. He lets one of your shoulders go to grip your face, forcing you to look at him.
"I'm trying to keep you safe"
"You made me kill a man", you hiss, a wave of hate and disgust washes through you, turning you into something else.
"I HAD TO", he shouts at you. You fight your way out of his grip. Stepping away from him.
"You, had to", he runs a hand through his spiky hair. And turns away from you, his shoulders pulled up.
"Since when-", you slur on your words and have to start over again.
"Since when did you care-" you stutter, hugging yourself tightly. You don't hear him walk up to you. But you can feel his presence right behind you. You try taking deep breaths, but fail and you feel your vision becoming blurry.
"About me?" When you turn around you stare right into his chest. He quickly wraps his arms around you and lifts you of the ground.
"Stop!" You shout, kicking and punching with a new found energy.
"Let my down you idiot!".
He doesn't.
Instead you feel him laying down on the bed, hugging you so tight you barely can move. You keep insulting him for who knows how long. Until he rolls over to his side and rests his chin on top of your head, still holding you close to him.
"Grimmjow", you plead, feeling the wave of feelings in the back of your throat.
"Let me go" you sob, feeling as if you are about to break. It's a matter of seconds before you really do. You don't want him to see that.
"Nope" he murmurs and chuckles, you can feel how it resonates in his chest.
"Please". It's quiet for a while. You carefully look up at him. Only to find him staring out into thin air, as if he were somewhere else.
"No".
And that's when you can't anymore. You break, every bone every cell in your body breaks. At least that's what it feels like anyway. You don't even realize you are taking. You can't here what you are saying but it feels like the second you stop you will go insane. So you don't.
You pray. Even though you aren't religious. You beg the man you killed for forgiveness. Countless times. You cry. In the end you just lay there, shaking. Muttering mindlessly.
Why did he force you to do that? Why did he have to die? Can you ever forgive yourself? The answers no, obviously.
"Hey", you look up again, meeting his eyes.
Blue eyes. Calm eyes.
"You asked why I would protect you", he lets go of you, and for a second you want to ask him to stay. But you don't, of course.
"The thing is, I've always done it", he stands up looking away from you.
"You just don't know it yet". And the second after that.
He's gone.
*Sectis is Latin and means "cut" or to 'be' cut