Once they said it, they haven't stopped saying it. He loves Zhan. He does. Yibo's never been the type to believe you can fall in love but he has. He undoubtedly has.
He wonders if that makes it worse. If loving Zhan as much as he does, is going to ruin him even more. He doesn't see how it couldn't. He's been thinking about it a lot and as much as he feels that he's grown and made progress mentally, he's not sure if he'll be able to deal with losing Zhan as well as he would like to.
It's not an easy thing, is it? Losing someone you love. Someone, you've barely spent any time without. Someone who doesn't deserve to die, especially in the way Zhan is. It's all just very overwhelming to think about.
It all hit Yibo like a train. It's all going to happen in two months. That's a short amount of time to deal with their death. He barely has anytime to prepare himself. If one even can prepare themselves for something like this.
Yibo wonders if maybe he should've just kept his emotions out of it. If maybe he should've just stayed like a brother to Zhan. Would that be better? Maybe Zhan does need him in another way, but as blunt as it is, he's going to be gone soon anyway.
Yibo thinks maybe it's selfish to be second-guessing letting himself fall in love with Zhan, he's only thinking about how it would be easier for him if he didn't and not at all how it affects Zhan. He's human
though, and humans are selfish.
He's not sure what he would do if there was a magic button that he could press for this never to happen. He loves Zhan and he enjoys having him in his life, but at what cost?
What good is it doing either of them to have this relationship? Yes, it's going to make the end of Zhan's life better, but he'll be gone in two months, and then what does it matter to him?
In the end. Yibo knows he wouldn't take it back, he knows that in his heart, being with Zhan until the end, or rather his end is what he cares about the most. He's okay with the collateral damage it will cause him as long as Zhan's happy.
"Life just, when you're young you see it as this huge thing, this thing that's so much greater than yourself. I mean -it is greater than you or me but we're so small you know?"
Zhan nods, his head resting on Yibo's lap this time, as Yibo plays with his curls. "Yeah."
"It's just so crazy to me that we're so attached to ourselves and who we are, just for it to end. We let ourselves fall into this obsession of being 'Yibo' or being 'Zhan ' or whatever but, for what?" Yibo says, feeling like maybe philosophy is what he should be studying instead of being a chef.
"I've thought about that. Like how much of an impact can one person truly make? And what is the likeliness of you being someone who truly is remembered," Zhan adds.
"Exactly. What is the point? It's just one giant cycle. The circle of life I suppose
"It kinda makes me feel a little better. Like in fifty years, probably less, all of the bad stuff I've done will be forgotten."
"You haven't done a lot of bad stuff. Zhan ge.
"I just mean how people get so stuck on the littlest things. Feel guilt over practically nothing, wasting the time that they do have, for those things to be forgotten in the end. To not have mattered."
Yibo sighs. "It's hard to think about. There's no conclusion, no satisfaction."
"The things you talk about in an eight by eight cell really can change your life, Zhan says jokingly.
Yibo laughs, smiling, even more, when he looks down at Zhan who's looking up at him in the fondest way.
"I love you, you know?"
Zhan's eyes turn from having adoration sparkling in them to being filled with a deep, thoughtful look. "Why would you want to love someone who's already gone, Babe?"
Yibo looks at Zhan, his hand resting on his chest, feeling as it rises and falls. "I didn't choose to, but I do, and now I'll just have to accept that my heart will be shattered."
Zhan doesn't say anything. His eyes break away from Yibo and he shakes his head just a bit.
"Hey," Yibo says, putting his hand gently on the side of Zhan's face. "I want to. I want to love you."
Yibo leans down as Zhan uses his elbow to prop himself up, their lips colliding in a kiss that feels all too wonderful yet heart-wrenching at the same time. Yibo didn't know how much he really wanted Zhan
until now. The burning feeling in his heart, spread through his entire body.
Zhan twists his hips so that he's lingering above Yibo now, one leg over both of his, the intensity of their passion building between them.
They both effortlessly move so that Yibo laying more than sitting up, Zhan still hovering above him. Their kisses grow fierier and fierier as they both let
themselves fall into the blissful captivity of desire.
Their craving for each other shows as they eagerly tug at each other's clothes, their breaths becoming heavier and hungrier. Yibo tugs on the end of Zhan's t-shirt, dragging it over Zhan's toned torso, stumbling as he gets distracted by Zhan's wandering hands.
Soft moans escape from Yibo's lips as Zhan quite shamelessly teases Yibo through his jeans. Jolts of what felt like electricity raced through his entire body.
Yibo manages to focus enough to quickly pull Zhan's shirt off and toss it to the floor, finding himself in awe of how stunning Zhan looks. He takes a moment to run his hand over Zhan's chest, feeling the soft skin under his fingers.
Zhan looks down and watches as Yibo runs his fingers over him, leaving a trail of heat as he does so. Zhan really can't comprehend how beautiful Yibo is. He's everything.
Yibo looks up at Zhan, licking his lips and blinking. "God, you're hot."
Zhan's lips break into a smile, he bites the inside of his lip as he gazes over Yibo's body. Yibo's eyes close as Zhan slowly slides his shirt up, running his fingers along his sides as he does so. Yibo helps Zhan takes it off all the way and throws it to the side.
"Says you." Zhan glides downwards, attaching his lips to Yibo's chest, leaving a trail of warm kisses down to the waist of his jeans.
Zhan flicks his eyes up to Yibo as if he's asking if it's okay to go further. Yibo nods and Zhan starts to unbutton his pants. Yibo lifts his hips as Zhan slides them off of his legs, adding them to the growing pile of clothes on the floor.
Yibo's so caught up in the rush that he forgets completely about the fact that anyone could just walk in on them. When he glances at the door though, to see the slim crack dividing it and the wall. It turns him on even more. The risk, it's thrilling.
A gasp involuntarily escapes from Yibo as Zhan unexpectedly mouths at the bulge under his boxers. He can feel the smirk spread across Zhan's lips as they continue to tease him.
Yibo tangles his hand in Zhan's hair, the curls engulfing his fingers. Zhan looks up to Yibo again, curling a finger under the band of his boxers and pulling it. Yibo nods again and lets Zhan slide them off.
After Yibo was completely unclothed, Zhan slides his gray sweats off, leaving only him in his boxers, that even for prison quality, still looks so good on him. Yibo eyes the bulge in them, finding himself hazy and overwhelmed with lust at the size of it.
Zhan sees the hunger in Yibo's eyes and tries to satisfy them by leaning up and kissing him, quite roughly, while brushing against his cock causing Yibo's lips to part and his head to tilt back.
Zhan pulls away, moving back down so that his mouth is just centimeters away from what Yibo wants him so desperately to touch. Yibo's never felt this blissed out before. During anything at all. It's almost as if he has no control over his body and how he feels. He can't help how weak Zhan makes him.
Zhan licks his lips before gliding his tongue along the underside of Yibo's cock. Yibo lets out a moan that's almost too loud. He covers his mouth with the back of his hand, knowing very well that he won't be able to stay quiet enough if he doesn't.
Zhan sucks at the tip a few times, taking his time with it, not wanting to rush anything. He wants to remember every bit of it. How Yibo tastes, the sounds he makes, the feeling of him inside his mouth.
Yibo patiently waits, not wanting to rush either. As hard as it is to hold on and not beg Zhan to get on with it, Yibo knows how important this moment is to Zhan and also to himself, he doesn't want to take it for granted. They won't be able to do it anymore in a short amount of time.
Zhan pulls away, using his hand to spread his spit as a lubricant. Yibo clenches his jaw, his eyes squeezed shut as he bites at the skin on the back of his hand.
Zhan finally takes the length of him in, savoring the way it feels. The weight on his tongue, the way it feels for his lips to slowly suck up and down, and the feeling of Yibo hitting the back of his throat.
"Zhan ge.." Yibo breathes, gripping his hair a bit tighter.
The warm feeling of Zhan's mouth sent him into overdrive. The pit in his stomach grew and became more of an intense feeling, like a ball of fire spinning behind his belly button.
Zhan again takes his time in edging Yibo on, clear that his goal isn't just to finish but to enjoy everything along the way. Yibo tries hard to hang on, he tries to let Zhan enjoy it but the pleasure is just so much.
The feeling of Zhan's tongue made little movements inside his mouth, added to the feeling even more. The feeling of his throat tightening and the feeling of his hand occasionally aiding him in his effort to coax Yibo to the edge even further.
He's not sure if there could be much more until he stumbles over. He feels himself slipping.
Yibo's soft moans seem to be heard despite his hand covering his mouth. It's music to Zhan's ears. A sound he'd listen to forever if he could.
"Zhan ge, I'm like, really close," Yibo pushes out, finding himself struggling to speak in an even tone.
Zhan pulls away and looks up at Yibo, jerking him off at a faster pace than before.
"Oh my god," Yibo says, gripping the bed sheet that's on the bed.
Zhan leans up and kisses Yibo, feeling his lips part and close as he reaches his high. Yibo moans against Zhan's soft lips, not being able to open his eyes or even really control his movements as the overstimulation takes over his body.
His breaths turn into gasps as he's unable to focus on kissing Zhan any longer. It's almost impossible for him to hold back the moans that are so desperately trying to pass his lips.
A few more strokes and Yibo is unable to hold on any longer. He throws his head back as he reaches his high, cuming on Zhan's hand and his stomach.
When he's finally able to open his eyes, Yibo is met with the sight of Zhan smirking. Yibo looks down at his stomach and Zhan's hand.
"How do we clean that?" Yibo asks.
Zhan chuckles. "We can use my inner shirt, Hold On."
Zhan gets up and walks over and grabs his inner t-shirt that's from the floor. He throws it over to Yibo who wipes himself off and sits up.
"Hand me my clothes please," he says, Zhan tossed him his shirt and pants too.
After Yibo has his clothes on, him and Zhan climbs back on the bed. "I promise you I will return the favor, but we don't have time today," Yibo says apologetically.
Zhan shakes his head with a smile. "Don't worry about it."
"I feel bad."
Zhan leans in and gives Yibo a short but sweet kiss. "Don't. Trust me, I enjoyed this more than you could imagine.
"Well, for what it's worth, it's the best I've ever had," Yibo says, kissing Zhan one more time before he has to go.