Michael
Faye and I, we kinda took some time off. Things got a little awkward after what happened the other night. What we did, it was a moment of weakness. She was right about that. We hit the rock bottom, causing us to engage in a consensual deed.
Just almost.
We just shared the bed the whole night that even though she let me hugged her tightly to give comfort, it still felt like we were miles and miles away from one another.
I just buried myself in the studio again, experimenting with the magic. At least, for this little time, I was at peace. Music took me to a beautiful place where I can relax and forget everything even just for a while.
The night was at its peak and I can't sleep. I was not trying to sleep anyway. My mind was full of thoughts that I can't just sleep away. My long silence caused me to have a dry throat so I went to the kitchen to quench my thirst and at the same time, to have some walk.
"Janet?"
"Hey, Mike!"
With my knitted eyebrows and surprised look, I acknowledged my sister's presence in the kitchen as I prepared my much needed drink. She just looked at me with her wide smiles and twinkling eyes.
The woman was drunk.
"Are you drunk? Why are you drunk?"
"We are just having some girls' night." She gestured, massaging her temples. "I should get back."
I arched my brows as she tried to leave the kitchen. She invited her friends in this damn house without me knowing? It was not really a problem but a little warning sign would be great so I will not be surprised if I bump into someone.
Janet stopped for a little while and I saw her scratching her eyes. I was not offering my help and just amused myself by watching her struggle instead.
"Mike?"
"Yeah?" I answered and she switched her gaze back to me.
"Can you help us? Naomie and I are too drunk."
"Naomie is here?" I asked and she nodded.
Why these girls were not saying anything to me? I was that busy? I was just in my room most of the time.
"Help you about what?" I followed up since she didn't speak again.
"You know very well that these past few weeks were stressing as hell and sorry for what happened." She started and I just listened. They already knew the news but I did not have any idea about her words. "A night out would be fun and don't worry that's why we are here. It's safer and we need some peace and quiet so I hope you don't mind."
"Not a problem." I whispered. "So what's the need for help?"
"We're too drunk to move." She confessed and I really can tell. "She's a mess right now and we can't carry her to her room. We're just gonna roll like sacks of potatoes."
"Who's a mess?" I questioned, cutting her chuckles.
"Faith."
"Faye?" I repeated. "She's here too? You didn't tell me?"
"I thought you know?" Janet furrowed her brows.
"How would I know?" I scoffed, a little irritated. "She didn't tell me. Who else?"
"Just the three of us." She claimed. "We invited her for a shopping spree. I know, things are a little harsh so we agreed to a night out. Don't be mad."
"I'm not mad." I answered, changing my atmosphere. Mad? No. Worried? Maybe. "Just..." I let out some air before looking at my sister. "Is it bad? Take me there."
"Not really. She is drunk so obviously, she is out of her mind. We're just in the clubhouse. I'm sorry. I didn't expect that she'll melt like the ice caps."
I calmed myself because I should trust my sisters on this. I was thankful that they were just in the clubhouse and not in a noisy and flashy bar in town.
My worries died down a little when I got a sight of her. She was sitting across Naomie and she was just like the normal Faye. She was smiling widely while having a talk with my sister but then, her gestures and twinkling eyes told me that she was really drunk just like what Janet had said.
"Ooh..." She teased while resting her temple on her fist as I followed Janet. "I thought you'll just gonna freshen up. Why did you bring a handsome man with you? Where did you get him? Is he for me? You're too generous. I know I'm single but you don't need to. And don't slap it at me, that I'm single."
Faye eyed me like a hawk after laughing hysterically. Can she even recognize me?
"He is your Tarzan, Faith. I hope you don't mind." Janet answered and settled beside Naomie.
Faye switched her gaze back to me after sharing a meaningful look with Janet. I maintained a respectable distance from her.
"No, he is not." She giggled. "Tarzan is in New York."
Where did she get that idea? On the news?
"Oh. No, honey. He is right there." Naomie pointed at me but Faye ignored it.
"I don't care... When it comes to that brother of yours, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe." She said and buried her face on her arms which were resting on the table.
She remained silent to the point that it was safe to assume that she fell asleep but we all knew that she was not sleeping. I took the opportunity to sit beside her.
"Faye, let's go to your room. You're drunk." I said as softly as possible. My fingers brushed her hair too.
She remained silent and motionless.
"Faye?"
"You're so annoying..." She breathed before she moved.
And then, and then...
She kissed me. She cupped my cheeks while kissing me deeply. I heard the gasps from my sisters and I was in shock to absorb the event.
"That feels good, pumpkin." She smiled, tapping my cheeks after giving me a deep but brief kiss. "What am I saying again?"
Her attention came back to my sisters as if she didn't kiss me in front of them.
"Faye—"
"Shut up. Back away." She barked and gave me her own glass of alcohol. "Drink this and be quiet. And don't call me Faye. You're not my Tarzan, handsome stranger."
I raised both of my hands and played along. I backed away and gave her space as she talked with my sisters again. I just crossed my arms while sitting in the corner, waiting for something to happen.
"I don't know why you two dragged me into this. Now, I can't shut up. All you can hear from me is how shitty my life is. And most importantly, my endless rants about your brothers. Take note, that's plural. Brothers."
Faye laughed again and my sisters joined her. These women, I can't understand them.
"Of course, like what I said earlier, I will not say anything about the details of my sex life because you don't wanna hear it. That's for sure." Her voice was so cheerful and loud. "But it sounds terrible. I fucked it up. I had sex with the other one and I had sex with the other one too. Whenever I am thinking about it, my head is spinning. It's not a bad thing because it is consensual and we're goddamn adults and it happened at different times but still, I fucked it up."
Faye got quiet and then she pursued, "Why Jesse and I are not together anymore?"
"Because you said that you're being unfair." Janet answered.
"And you're hurting him." Naomie added.
"Oh yeah... That's true though. I love him but he told me that I love someone more. Gia said that to me too." Faye commented, resting her cheek on her palm. "She asked me if it occurred to me. That maybe, I fell in love with two people without me really knowing about it."
"I don't know if it is possible or maybe, I just have these buried feelings for someone even before I surrendered and decided to see the future with Jesse. That, I can see, as possible." Faye explained and her audience just listened. "But I really love him. Can you tell him that? Tell him that I love him. I want him to know that. I truly love him. I didn't do it just because I feel alone and lonely. I love him. Please, tell him that."
Her words pierced my heart. She really do love him and what did I do? I ruined their relationship. I didn't mean it but still, I was a huge part of this mess.
"I didn't mean to hurt him. All he does is to love me and protect me, making sure that I am always safe and happy." Faye's voice cracked and she wiped her tears. She was crying again. "He never made me cry. He helped me to improve and become better. He gave me strength and courage. Everything. He gave me everything but what did I do? I gave him pain. And now, we are over. I know, I asked for it because we both know it but it never dawned at me."
"Oh God..." She prayed. "We broke up. We broke up."
Janet held her hand as Faye tried to smile despite her tears. Naomie also gave me a concerned glance but I just shrugged it away.
"I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry." Naomie comforted her.
"Still, I'm hurting him. I'm hurting Michael too. I pushed him away. It took me weeks before giving him the news about our baby. Can you tell him that? That I'm sorry?"
"Of course, sweetie. We'll tell him." Naomie played along even though I was just here.
"Tell him that I'm sorry because we are in this mess. We already talked but, I still can't absorb everything. We lost our baby and got each other's back as always. But it is different now." She wiped her tears and I stared on the ground because the pain was emerging again. "We are now binded by our angel baby that's why we can understand each other. My Tarzan is in pain too but he is always thinking about me. He is always looking after me. But who is looking out for him?"
Several tears escaped from her eyes again and it pained me. My eyes were also starting to sting but I diverted my attention to something else. I was listening but I did not want to look.
"I am trying to check on him but he is just flashing his charming smiles so he can assure me that he is fine. I know that he is not. I am not fine. He lost his baby too so he's not fine either." She added, letting her tears to flow. "But he is not saying everything to me because he doesn't want to add himself to my long list of heavy thinkings. I can't get myself together so he excludes himself already."
"I want to take care of him. And it is hurting me too, seeing him that way. I didn't tell him right away and now, we are both suffering. I know, he is still blaming himself for it even though I said that it is not his fault. I blamed myself too but he told me that I should not do that. That I should stop blaming myself because no one wanted this to happen. I believe him... I believe him."
She cried in silence, hearing some of her uncontrolled sobs. My sisters just comforted her as Faye tried to hold her emotions. I was being a pro in here myself too.
"Can you see something that I don't?" Faye asked her fellow. "Am I really in love with him but I just don't know it? Or maybe, I'm just afraid to admit it? Because, people say that when you found a true friend, don't let them go so maybe, I just stick with friendship. Because I was frightened of the idea that falling in love with my friend will just give me a major heartache. And I don't want that. We are in a cute friendship bubble and I don't wanna ruin it."
She wiped her tears and stopped crying. Her eyes were swollen and red but she managed to calm her breathings. She asked a question but she didn't let my sisters to answer.
"Can I confess something?"
"Yes. Of course." Janet replied.
"Rain..." Faye whispered, switching her gaze on her playing fingers. "I gave our baby a name. Rain."
Rain? She gave our baby a name?
"We had this moment. Michael and I. In Spain." She narrated, smiling faintly. "The night was beautiful. It was very beautiful. It is still clear in my head. We were in the seaside, having a some kind of drama. Then this clouds started to form, covering the wonderful stars."
"I remember, I was crying back then. I don't know exactly why but I did cry. In his arms. And then, it started to rain but Michael didn't let go of me. He said that he will just let go of me if I stop from crying. He was so playful and cheery and I still laughed even if my heart was aching. And I admired the rain..."
"It was so beautiful, I promise. Raining, it is actually a common event but that night, it hit differently. Maybe the rain covered my real emotions. Or maybe, the rain in Spain was just beautiful." She chuckled, trying to sound strong and convincing.
"That was the first thing that popped inside my head. Rain. I call our angel baby, Rain. It's gender neutral since we didn't have the chance to know about the sex, let alone the pregnancy itself."
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. It was too much for her. Our baby had a name. Rain. It was so beautiful.
"I called our baby, Rain. Baby Rain." She spoke again and her voice cracked. I saw Naomie and Janet's quick glance at me but I just gestured that I was okay.
"That's the first name that came inside my head. That wonderful rainy night in Spain. Dark clouds. It was raining but there were twinkling stars. The night was so beautiful so I named our baby after that. A blessing from above. A miracle."
A blessing. A miracle. A gift.
A tear escaped from my eye and I wiped it right away.
"Should I tell it to Michael? That I gave our baby a name? I don't know if it is a good idea but I really gave our baby a name." She said, her voice full of concern. "Maybe it's too much? I didn't tell him about it. Should I tell him?"
Janet looked at me, confirming the news if I didn't know about it. I shook my head to send my answer. Faye didn't tell me about it. Now that I learned about it, it made me happy. Our baby had a name. She should be proud.
"Faith, of course. Tell him." Janet answered her inquiry. "He will love it, I'm sure."
Faye smiled widely. It was great to see that smile that I found myself mimicking the gesture.
"I honestly believe that, that was the special night. It was the night that we received the blessing. Not really the conception because maybe it happened days after but I have this feeling that it was the perfect night for it to happen. The night was so beautiful and then we witnessed a twilight. Everything was beautiful."
"I didn't know what to feel about twilights anymore. Michael and I saw it in Spain. Jesse and I saw it too the same moment our relationship became official. Maybe, it is a curse. Twilight is a curse."
Faye covered her face with her palms. Her breathings were relaxed so she was just calming herself. There was a lot that happened as if we already spent a year. It was just months.
"I'm just waiting..." Faye spoke again and my attention switched as I watched her from afar. "I'm just waiting for him to say something. Michael. I'm just waiting..."
"Waiting for...?" Naomie asked because Faye idled.
"That night in Spain before we made our baby," She chuckled, putting humor in her words. "when we were on the seaside, I asked him if there was anything, any reason, not to give Jesse and I a shot because I was planning to try when I get back. He answered the other path that was why Jesse and I happened."
I chewed my bottom lip.
"He told me that I deserved someone who is like this and like that blah blah blah without knowing that he was actually describing himself. I was so confused that time that maybe I just fell in love with the idea and not with the person. That was why I asked him because I was not sure. I didn't tell him that because there was a huge chance that the feeling was not mutual."
Faye, it is mutual.
"I mean, his world is different. I understand that completely and I just realized that, it hurts me. It hurts me that he didn't even try. I know that he just want to protect me but, he just let me go. He didn't say anything. He is too kind-hearted so he stepped back. We just decided to leave everything in London and I'm not sure if the unspoken feelings were left in there too."
I closed my eyes again especially when Naomie and Janet stared at me. I didn't know about Faye but my feelings, I was so sure that I didn't leave them in London. It was still with me. I also knew that I was a complete ass for doing the wrong decisions in the past.
I should have fought.
Only if I was not a coward back then, maybe we were in a different situation now.
"I was afraid. Frightened. I have this alien feelings and I don't know what to do with it. When it comes to Michael, I can't draw the line. I don't know if I'm starting to see him romantically or I just became too dependent on him that even the slightest gesture is normal for us. Everything is normal that there is no line anymore."
"Michael gave me everything too. He is more than enough and worthy. He is really that man. But just like what I said, I can't draw the line. The only thing that kept us sane back then was that, I was like his platonic girlfriend and he was my platonic boyfriend. We were like in a relationship that everyone was just waiting to happen in reality. We were hanging out like lovers but we were not lovers and it was normal for us. Normal... But we also crossed that line and we let lust to overcome. It was not platonic anymore..."
Faye pursed her lips and closed her eyes to calm herself and then, she giggled shyly as she stared back to her friends. Her smiles, it was like she was convincing herself to something.
"We crossed the line..." She whispered. "I have no regrets about it. I don't know if that upgrade in our connection is a good or bad thing but I do know that, those times were the good ones. And the sex," She became shy again. "I'm sorry for saying this to both of you because he is your brother but, the sex was great. Always great."
My sisters smiled and I didn't try to meet their gazes. I was glad that Faye was not sharing the details. It was too explicit for all of us to hear.
"We were in a platonic friendship but maybe, it was not platonic because one of us has this hidden or buried desire for romance and then, we got crazy and jumped to friends with benefits because the moment felt right that I don't know anymore if I'm falling in love for real or I'm just imagining things. Maybe, I just strongly believe in some things but the truth is, I just don't know what I truly feel. I don't know what I feel when it comes to him..."
Faye got quiet for a quick second before she pursued the narration.
"But it's different now. I'm in love with Jesse but it is still completely different when I'm with Michael." Precious tears fell again. "The familiarity with Michael is so strong that is why he knows how to make me feel better without even trying. I can just hear his voice or he can just sit beside me. Everything is better after that."
"When it comes to Michael, I'm a mess." Her voice cracked again. "I can be mad at him, be angry at him, be furious at him but still at the end of the day, I want his comfort. He can hurt my feelings but he is the only one who can cure me. I can be lost but he is the one who can help me to find my way back. I can be crazy but he is keeping me sane. I don't know if I'm making any sense but that's how it works."
"Maybe, I really see him in a different way but I can't admit it. These emotions are new to me. I've never experienced this before. With Michael, I can't differentiate romance and friendship because it feels the same but with Jesse, it is easier because the intention is always romantic and it feels light and easy. It is a cute bubble. Just happiness. I'm happy with him..."
She let her tears to fall as we engulfed in silence again. She wept in silence but her sufferings were evident.
She was happy with Jesse but when it came to me, she was confused. She was having serious doubts when it comes to me. There was pain and confusions.
I'm sorry, Faye. I'm sorry if I can't give you the life that you deserve. I'm sorry if life is difficult when it comes to me. I'm sorry if I'm causing you all the pain that one can't imagine. I'm sorry if I'm making you cry. I'm sorry if I'm making you sad.
You deserve the goodness of this life, Faye. I'm sorry if I can't give that to you but I assure you, my feelings are true and genuine. This heart, this heart beats for you.
"Everything is too much and I can't handle it. I am a mess. I am damaged. My baggages are piling up. I'm just thankful that your brothers are great people and they know better than to fight just because of a girl." She humored but her cries were still ongoing. "I don't deserve Jesse. I don't deserve Michael. I don't deserve all of you."
Faye lost it. She broke down again that was why Naomie and Janet ran to her right away.
"We lost our baby and I'm so sad and hurt..." Her eyes were like waterfall. "Michael and I had a baby. We had a baby..."
My sisters comforted her but she was not calming down. I didn't want to intrude because the comfort from fellow sisters was different but it was too much just to watch her like that so I took their places.
"Hey..." I whispered. I fixed her hair and wiped her tears. "I'm here... Don't cry. It's okay..."
"They keep on falling..." She cried but melted in my arms.
"Let it out. It'll feel better afterwards." I assured while kissing her hair and hugging her tightly. "I'm not going anywhere. You have me. You have us. We're not gonna leave you. We're here for you."
No one spoke a word and I waited patiently until her cries died down. I convinced her to call the night off and my sisters trusted her care to me.
Faye became the usual drunk person again and not muttered anything about the situation. We reached her room after several attempts of sleeping on the floor. The only problem was that, she kept on kissing me randomly while I was guiding her. She didn't want me to carry her so I walked with her.
Now, she was clinging to me like a tarsier and she was not giving my skin a break. I was trying to stop her but she was so strong and persistent so I kept myself together and not engaged with her flirtings.
"Faye, come on." I asked for her cooperation as I tried to put her on bed.
It was a success but she locked me with her limbs, leaving me to hover on top of her. She was smiling sweetly while examining my features. Faye kissed me again but me not kissing her back, was not a problem to her.
And then, she spoke and I lost it.
"Make love to me. Please..." She pleaded as her eyes started to get intense. "Make love to me."
"Faye. You're drunk. Stop this."
"I'm giving consent. Come on. Let's do this. Make love to me. I'm ready. I'm not bleeding anymore. Please..."
"Faye, no." I tried to free myself but to no avail. "You are drunk."
I did not use extra force because it will hurt her. I kept on giving her comfort even though she was playing too much. She was still asking but I had a firm decision.
"Faye, please just let me go. Come on. You don't want this."
"I want you..."
"Think about it again when you're not drunk anymore."
She sighed deeply and her grips loosened. Her beautiful eyes were staring at me and then, she cupped my cheeks.
"I'm sorry that we need to end things, love. I'm sorry if we broke up."
Wait. What?
"I'm sorry. But I love you, I swear. Love, I'm sorry..."
Okay? She thought that I was Jesse?
God, this was so painful.
"I'm really sorry for hurting you, love."
"That's okay. Don't blame yourself." I pretended.
"You really are a great man. Too bad, I'm not with you anymore."
"Just have a rest, Faye."
She let me go so I managed to help her settle on her bed. I made sure that she was comfortable and the smile on her face while closing her eyes was a cute gesture.
"Thank you, love." She murmured and her sleepy brown eyes met mine.
Love. I was still her love and not her Tarzan. Her drunk self saw me as Jesse. Still Jesse...
"You're welcome." I smiled and kissed her forehead. "Have some sleep, okay? Sweet dreams."
She nodded and closed her eyes to prepare to sleep. She didn't say anything more so I watched her for a few more seconds before I decided to leave the room. Staying in here was not a good idea. I will just check on her from time to time.
But even before I can leave the room, I got stuck in the doorway because she spoke, causing me to look at her.
"Hey..." She whispered in a sleepy voice while staring through me. "I love you..."
I blinked several times because of her sweet words. My heart jumped even though those words were not meant for me.
It was for Jesse.
Maybe, that was their thing. Saying I love you before going to sleep. It was a habit.
Was it a drunk truth?
I had no words. This was my punishment for letting her choose someone else. My punishment for not fighting my love for her.
We stared at each other for like ten seconds. For sure, she was waiting for my answer but I just can't pretend and say the words to her. I just can't... Not when she thought that I was the person she called love.
Thankfully, she closed her eyes and settled to sleep. I took the chance to leave the room right away, not waiting for my beating heart to fail me.