⛔️Please read: I know some of you were a bit upset with how I made Yoohyeon the character that ends up cheating on the reader, so I edited the earlier chapters and gave the character a generic name instead (Olivia). I totally get disliking Yoohyeon being depicted as the villain in stories like this, it hurts me to read about any of the members doing anything awful to the reader. I only initially used her name because I wanted a face claim that you'd all know for the character, but I took her out for the sake of our well-being 😌
Finally getting some closure from Sua was relieving, but I knew we still had a long way to go before our relationship was completely repaired. I still had plenty of unanswered questions to ask her, including the kiss and the whole Olivia situation. I had been so caught up in my emotions that night that I didn't even think to ask for an explanation for either. Maybe her earlier warnings about Olivia being a bad person were genuine after all. As for the kiss part, maybe she was just caught up in the moment and didn't know what else to do to make me listen. Either way, I couldn't focus on that right now.
Before we went our separate ways that night, Sua agreed it'd be best for us to take some time apart so that I could think things over before deciding how I wanted to move on from there. I had a feeling the road ahead would be long and hard, but I knew we were both willing to make things work in spite of that. Even if that meant starting from scratch like the day we first met and working our way back to how close we were a year ago. Or at least something near it, because I knew it'd never really be the same again.
The rest of that night I spent rehearsing what I wanted to say to Olivia while fighting hard to keep myself from spiraling into a full mental breakdown. Talking with Sua had obviously been emotionally taxing, but at least my problems with her served as a distraction from my problems with Olivia. Though it was only temporary, and that became very clear when the heartbreak started to settle in. Maybe we didn't have quite the bond Sua and I did, but Olivia had been there for me when she wasn't. She was beside me when I needed someone the most and, even if she didn't really love me, I'd never be able to forget that. She was the only thing that kept me from losing myself completely.
All of that made it almost impossible confronting her. I wanted to believe that she really was as good as I thought she was all along and that my mind was playing tricks on me the night I caught her behind the gym with that guy. So I almost gave her the benefit of the doubt when she acted surprised. But then she got angry at me for accusing her, saying that I didn't really see what I thought I saw and that I was making things up. That night was the first time she ever raised her voice at me. It wasn't until some reflecting afterwards when I realized that was also likely the first time I had seen the real Olivia. The first time she had shown me who she truly was. I used to think the possessive thing she had going on was attractive, but when she clung to me before I could walk away, still begging me to stay after lying straight to my face, I finally recognized it for what it truly was. Toxic. Whether she loved me or not, she was still desperate not to lose one of the only good things in her life, even knowing she didn't deserve it.
I still don't know if this made the breakup better or worse than if she had simply fallen out of love with me. On one hand, I dodged a bullet by finding out who she really was before committing to anything further, but, on the other, I lost the only source of happiness I had. The crushing reality that all of those happy memories we made together might've been fabricated convinced me this outcome was worse. Much worse. Because now on top of the heartbreak, I felt embarrassed, naive, stupid for even being heartbroken over a love that probably never existed in the first place.
When I got back home that night, the impending breakdown was impossible to avoid. It hurt like hell and the days following were nothing short of torture. Seeing her face every day at school would instantly cause all my emotions to resurface in one excruciating rush. It certainly didn't help when she started going out with the guy she cheated on me with. She really had no shame or remorse, one day gaslighting me into thinking there was nothing between them only to turn around and date him not even a week later.
It made me wonder how I ever could've possibly believed she was a good person. How I didn't see past her boldfaced lies. They were so obvious to me now. I always knew she was too good to be true. I just wish I had listened to Sua before it was too late.
2 weeks later...
"I'm sorry," I broke the silence of the night air, gazing up at the colorful canvas of stars smeared across the sky. Sua was laying next to me on the blanket we placed over the grass, eyes only leaving the beautiful spectacle above to glance over at me once the words left my mouth. Slowly and cautiously we started to piece together the broken shards of our relationship into whatever hideous, makeshift mess it was now. Still, it was something and something was better than nothing.
"For what?" she asked quietly. I noticed she tended to do that lately. Talk softly, cautiously. It was unlike her usual boisterous manner. I had a feeling she was just afraid to say the wrong thing and ruin the fragile bond we built, forcing us to start from scratch all over again. Or worse, destroy every last trace of it completely. All it told me though was that she cared.
"That day when you tried to tell me about Olivia," I said, my jaw clenching at the bitter feeling her name evoked. "I was so angry at you, I just instantly assumed you were trying to tear our relationship apart." A sigh left my lips. "I should've listened to you."
In my peripheral I could see the small woman shaking her head. "I should be the one apologizing. I gave you absolutely no reason to believe me," she said, the guilt still evident in her voice. "I should've been straightforward with you from the very beginning instead of taking my anger out on her... on you." Her last two words wavered. It made me wonder how much she had been beating herself up inside these past few weeks. Knowing her, I'd guess a lot.
"How did you figure it out?" I asked the question I'd been dying to ever since that day.
She hesitated. "Are you sure you want me to tell you?"
I turned to face her, recognizing the foreign yet familiar look in her eyes. There was a caring sensitivity behind them that told me she was still trying to protect me. She knew she had a lot of making up to do in that department. "No, but I need to hear it," I admitted, rolling back over to stare up at the constellations. "Or else I'll go insane not knowing."
Sua stayed silent for a moment, not making an effort to refuse. Even if she wanted to, she didn't feel she had a right to. "I saw her with him every now and then around school," she started, still careful with her words as if not to set me off. "They'd always be so close, touching each other and laughing." My heart started racing and I tried hard not to get upset at the images my mind made up of them together. Her smile, leaning in to touch his arm. His cocky smirk creeping onto his lips when he made her laugh. "I didn't know for sure that anything was actually happening, until..." Sua paused, swallowing her nerves.
"Until what, Sua?" I wasn't angry at her, but my tone of voice didn't exactly give the impression otherwise.
The black-haired woman took a deep breath before continuing. "Until I saw them leave the guys locker room together," she said as softly as the context allowed her. As much as I thought I was finally getting over her, the revelation still stung like salt in a fresh wound. "And I could've imagined it, but it looked like..." Sua sighed, as if regretting admitting all of this to me. "It looked like she had a hickey on her neck."
My sadness was rapidly overshadowed by anger and I sat up abruptly, letting out a short sarcastic laugh. "Of course," I muttered, shaking my head at the memory of her putting makeup on her neck. I hadn't asked her about it then, thinking I was ridiculous for assuming the worst. Olivia probably would've said that exact thing had I mentioned it to her anyways. "When was this?" I asked, looking over my shoulder at Sua.
She kept eye contact, gauging my expression with a sympathetic look. "I don't know, exactly," she replied, though I was unconvinced. Knowing her she probably kept track of the exact date, or at least close to it. "Maybe a few months ago?" She cringed when she saw the hurt flash across my eyes.
I turned to face back towards the overlook of the cliff and scoffed, shifting my jaw and hanging my head to stare at the dirt on the ground in front of me. After realizing the kind of person Olivia was, I guess this really shouldn't have been a surprise. But it was. Because I trusted her. She told me that I was the only one she loved and I believed her. Now I knew it really was all just a lie.
"I tried to warn you again," Sua spoke suddenly. Her words almost made me angry, until she added, "The night of your basketball game." I stayed quiet, growing more regretful by the minute. "I saw them..." she hesitated again before deciding it was no worse than what she'd already told me, "kissing, outside, near the end of the game. When I went back inside, you were already gone." A sour taste crawled up my tongue, making my gut twist uneasily as everything fell into place. "I wanted to warn you, before you found them," she said sadly. "But I was too late."
Only the sound of the nature surrounding us could be heard for a full minute after she spoke.
"I'm sorry," Sua whispered and a tear finally slid down my cheek. I knew this one wasn't apologizing for something she did, but for the hurt Olivia had caused me. That almost made it worse.
It was all so unfair. And the fact that Sua was trying to protect me all along, even if it was in her own messed-up way, was making me even more conflicted. I didn't know who to hate, who to blame, whether to feel guilty or angry or both or neither. The problem is, we all were to blame. But I still loved Sua and I didn't want to have to blame her anymore.
"I know," I sniffled and didn't push her away this time when she went to rest her head on my shoulder. Even though it didn't bring as much comfort as it used to, it still made me feel less alone. Maybe it wasn't much, but at least it was a step in the right direction.
A month later...
The days until graduation were ticking down slowly, and with it, the time we had to make a decision about our future. As I anxiously awaited the responses to my college applications, I found myself wondering where Sua would end up. I'd hoped, after all this, she wouldn't give up and stay working with her family like they wanted her to. There's no way she could. But I couldn't know for sure until we talked about it. Though most of what we talked about lately seemed to avoid the difficult topics... until tonight.
We met up at the cliff again like we had so many times before. It was our designated meeting place now given the fact that I couldn't go to her house without the threat of being murdered by her bigoted father and she was too afraid of being caught at my house in case my parents decided to mention her visit to hers. Even so, we didn't mind the escape.
Our night started out like normal, talking about mindless things, trying to get close again. It almost felt like old times and I had to admit that her company put my mind at ease. I don't think I realized it until recently, but she had done a lot to help me start moving past Olivia. Part of it was just the familiarity and comfort of her presence, but the other came from her obvious and sometimes over-exaggerated effort to make everything up to me. She was extra caring and attentive, waiting on me hand and foot, whereas the old Sua would've told me to go do everything myself. She was also overly sweet and reassuring, always reminding me that nothing was ever really my fault. I had done everything because I thought it was the right thing to do. And, of course, she remained overly apologetic no matter how many times I tried to forgive her.
This new Sua was an odd adjustment, to say the least. But, strangely enough, it felt even more genuine than the old. She was determined to show me how much she wanted this to work and gain my trust again, so she never hid anything. Never held anything back. This newfound, often blunt, honesty was quick to manifest itself in a flirtatious way. Though hesitant at first, the more we grew comfortable joking with each other again, the more she let her compliments flow freely. I initially took them as jokes, but it didn't take me long to understand that they were likely things she wanted to say all this time. And, now that I had figured that out, her next one had heat crawling up my neck.
We had just finished arguing over something, and now that Sua's loud playfulness had finally returned with our growing comfort around each other, that meant her getting the final word by jumping on top of me and grabbing at my skin. After our laughing fit, we were both breathless by the end of it, panting and staring at each other with ridiculous smiles. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this careless and happy, the fluttering in my heart an almost alien sensation to me now. I'd forgotten how effortlessly Sua always used to make me feel this way.
I wondered what was going on in her mind as I watch her smile slowly fade. Her eyes were still glued to mine and I felt a shift in the air between us, my own lips straightening. Looking up at her uncharacteristically serious expression, I got deja vu. I was taken back to when we were 15 again and she was pinning me to the ground, making my heart drum to an unfamiliar rhythm while neither of us dared to understand the lingering emotions between us. It had happened on a few occasions following, but always ended in awkward laughter and one of us shoving the other away. This time though, Sua seemed to have a different idea.
"You're pretty," she whispered suddenly and, almost immediately after she caught my eyebrows raising in shock, she blushed in embarrassment as if she only then realized she'd said it out loud.
"What?" I laughed awkwardly, not knowing how to carry myself or even begin to decipher why her compliment seemed to raise my body heat about ten degrees higher.
She got off of my lap and sat up, facing me. Her humiliation appeared to be put on the back burner when a thought popped into her mind. "Can I tell you something?" she asked cautiously.
I slowly raised myself up into a sitting position, slightly weirded out by her abrupt change in demeanor. "Sure?" I furrowed my eyebrows, growing more confused when she broke eye contact to stare in the distance, grabbing at her pants. She always used to do that whenever she got nervous, even when she was a little kid.
"I wasn't completely honest when I told you what happened the night I stopped talking to you," Sua said, avoiding my eyes.
I really never tried to assume the worst before having the full context, but it was a habit at this point and I couldn't deny that her admission scared me. We had finally started to build our trust back again, and here she goes admitting that, after everything she's done, she still chose to lie to me.
"What do you mean you weren't completely honest?" I said lowly, not hiding the disapproval in my voice. How did Sua, the most unserious person I had ever met, unintentionally end up becoming the most emotionally manipulative person in my life?
"I didn't tell you the full truth about what I said to my parents," she explained, catching a glimpse of my face before looking away again.
Now I was confused. What did that have to do with anything? All I could to was stare at her, waiting for her to continue.
"I said that I told my dad I'd never be capable of loving a man," she reiterated, pausing for a moment after. Her eyes searched the horizon and I couldn't tell if she was trying to figure out what to say or attempting to find the courage to actually say it. "But, I also confessed to them that I wanted to be with someone," she said uneasily.
Someone? Who else was she close with? The girl across the street? She only ever mentioned her a few times. But it was always in a positive context. Maybe she was closer to her than I thought. Or was it my lab partner from our science class in 9th grade? The one who had piercings and tattoos and always wore a leather jacket. I always suspected Sua had a crush on her with how often I'd catch her staring over at us. What was her name again? Soy- Siyeo-
"The only reason he threatened you is because I told them I was in love with you," Sua blurted out all at once.
My eyes blew wide, the confession hitting me like a punch to the gut. That was the absolute last thing I expected to come out of her mouth. Ever.
"It was so stupid, I never should've said anything," she rambled on, probably mistaking my silence for anger.
I was having trouble deciding which emotion to feel out of the endless ones fighting for dominance in my mind. "Wait, wait, back up," I cut her off before she could confuse me any further. She closed her mouth, eyes darting over to me nervously. "I'm still just stuck on that first part." I closed my eyes, massaging my temples like it might magically stop the headache I now had forming from how overwhelming all of this was. "Why would you say that to them?"
When I opened them again, Sua's cheeks were pink under the moonlight as she looked over at me with the shyest expression I had ever seen on her face. She appeared so small and vulnerable in that moment, as if my reaction would make or break her. Her eyes were unsure, yet held a glint of hope and looked about two seconds from darting away again. Still, she forced them to stay locked with mine and I finally realized she wasn't joking. She hadn't just said that to mess with me. She was serious. Maybe as serious as she had ever been in her entire life.
"Oh," I mumbled, one eyebrow twitching up in surprise while my eyes scanned over her features, a blush now forming on my cheeks.
"Yeah," she replied, an embarrassed smile gracing her lips.
As if my mind had just started to function properly, the memory of her lips on mine that night in the parking lot flashed before my eyes. 'I don't hate you.' It only now occurred to me that this was a confession. Sure it seemed obvious now, but I've had about a million other things to focus on since then. Solving the mystery of Sua's undying love for me wasn't ever really on the top of my list of priorities. Actually, it wasn't on there at all considering I had no idea it existed until this very moment.
"So that's why you..." I trailed off, strangely growing nervous at the prospect of her liking me more than a friend.
"Kissed you?" she offered, watching as I swallowed thickly and barely managed to nod my head. "Yeah." She looked down to mess with her pant legs. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking." Her jaw clenched. "I just felt like I was gonna lose you for good that night and I didn't know what else to do."
I sighed, scooting closer to her and placing my hand on top of hers to stop her fidgeting. She looked up at me. "I wish you would've just told me all of this before." I frowned. She was trying to handle so much of this on her own and it hurt me the more she revealed everything she'd been dealing with. Even though I didn't know what to say, or what to feel—especially what to feel—I still wanted her to lean on me when things were bothering her. That's all I ever wanted and I wish I had made that clearer from the start.
"I wanted to, but I was scared," she admitted, looking back down to play with my fingers. "You were the only one I had," she mumbled, rubbing her thumb across the back of my hand. "And I felt like I couldn't talk to you about liking girls because you were the one who opened my eyes to that." My heart fluttered unexpectedly. I was the one who made her realize she liked girls?
"You really like me, huh?" I teased, suddenly feeling a boost of confidence.
When she looked up to see the smirk on my face, she groaned and shoved my shoulder. "Shut up," she tried to act angry, but we both ended up laughing. Seeing Sua this shy around me was really messing with my emotions. Why did she have to be so cute?
As our laughter died down, I caught her staring at me like she always did. She had that same look in her eyes that I never could place. But now, I finally recognized it. She loved me. She wanted me. And, now that I thought about it, she'd been looking at me like that since before I could remember. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me, finally realizing how blind I've been to what was right in front of me all along.
Sua started inching closer to me and I was abruptly pulled from my thoughts to frantically place a hand on her cheek. Her face turned white as a ghost when she processed the fact that I was doing it to stop her from kissing me. "Hey, no," I held onto the back of her neck when she tried to back away. She sat there frozen, helpless and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry," she said for what had to be the millionth time, but this one felt the worst.
"No, please, I'm sorry," I leaned in, pressing my forehead to hers when I noticed her eyes turning glassy. I wanted to give her what she wanted. I really did. But I wasn't sure yet that I wanted it myself. This was the first time the thought of being with her ever even crossed my mind. I haven't had time to figure out how I felt about it yet. On top of that, my breakup was still relatively fresh and I wasn't sure diving into a whole new—insanely more complicated—relationship was a good idea right now.
"It's too soon," I whispered, instantly regretting it when a tear fell from her eye. "I just- I need some time, that's all," I tried to reassure her, using the pad of my thumb to wipe the teardrop from her face in a panic. "Hey, look at me," I said softly. My heart dropped when I got a glimpse at her puffy eyes and pitiful pout. "I promise you this isn't a no, okay?" She gazed up at me sadly, another tear falling. I kissed it from her cheek and let my lips linger on her skin there for a moment before backing away. "Just let me think it over," I whispered, giving her another kiss on the opposite cheek. "Okay?" I asked, looking back into her eyes.
She sniffled, her nose scrunching in a way that made my heart melt. Without saying anything, she nodded weakly. I smiled sadly and pulled her in for a hug. She clung to the back of my shirt and I was almost certain she'd never want to let go. I didn't mind though as long as it brought her comfort. I already felt nauseous with guilt knowing I might be the one that finally breaks her. Is this how she felt the past year?
There's no way I could live with it, so I hoped I'd end up making the right decision. Or at least one that Sua would someday learn to accept.