It's another Friday and waking up every morning and counting down hurt so much. Cheng's number isn't reachable. "I don't know if I should hope or not, or even discuss it with Zhan ge." since I am going to see him today.
I wish it was a dream and I would wake up one morning and find myself wrapped in Zhan ge's arm. "I just wish it was a horrible nightmare".
I get dressed and walked out of our one-bedroom apartment. I tried moving out of this place, but I can't bring myself to. This place is the only place full of happy moments of Zhan ge.
As Mr. Han dropped me in front of the prison, I feel an ache in my heart as I walk through security thinking of Zhan ge. The one that isn't painful but like the feeling is so heavy, it puts pressure on it. I feel the butterflies in my tummy and the tingles in my fingers, all of which I didn't think existed as I approach the visitor's room.
I slowly walk inside and lie in bed, trying to control my tears.
"Wang" Zhan ge calls my name as he walks in. I didn't even hear him knock on the door.
"Zhan ge" I smile at him as he lay beside me on the bed.
Should I tell him about Cheng or not? I think while laying with Zhan ge, talking about things like what existence itself is.
"But if space is always expanding, doesn't it has to expand into something?" Zhan ge asked.
"Wait. Yeah."
"Also you know how like we have a conscious right? Well what would there be if existence wasn't a thing? If nothing existed?"
"I think of a black void." I responded.
"But that's a black void. Not nothing. There can't ever be anything but because we're aware of consciousness, there has to be total unconsciousness. Like how without light, there isn't dark and if only one existed we would know that there's anything else."
I ran what Zhan ge said, over in my head a few times. "Right. Like if total unconsciousness didn't exist, we wouldn't be aware of consciousness at all."
"But wait-what about how like if you have an apple or something, there isn't an opposite."
"No apple. We know what it feels like to not have an apple in our hands but if we always had an apple in our hands, we wouldn't know what no apple felt like."
"But we can think of like what if we didn't have a hand," Zhan ge says, genuinely thinking very deeply about it.
Some people don't have hands. If we lived in a universe where no hands weren't a thing, we'd be unaware, but everything exists. It's like how we know shrimp can see colors we can't, yet we can't imagine those colors no matter what." I explain, almost too easy.
"I feel like you think about this a lot." Zhan ge says, barely being able to keep up.
"Oh I do," I answer, drawing a rocket ship with my finger on Zhan ge's chest.
"Hey," Zhan ge says, rolling over so that we are both laying on our sides facing each other. "I'm glad you exist"
I smile, the excited and happy type of tingles running through my body. "I'm glad you exist too, Zhan ge."
"Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, Zhan ge says. He says it playfully but it still makes my heart hurt.
"Stop, I'll cry," I say, half-jokingly.
"Don't cry my heart can't take it. Can you reincarnate into a star?" Zhan ge asks.
"Uh, I think so but I couldn't tell you for sure.
Zhan ge nods. He grabs my hand and intertwined our fingers. "Okay, how about this, after I'm gone, go outside and the first star you see will be me, okay?"
I give another smile, the idea ripping my heart apart, both in a good and bad way. I feel my throat start to knot this time and when I speak it comes out a little broken. "Okay."
I'm not sure why the universe would be so cruel. Putting Zhan ge in my life like this. Making me fall so hard, so fast, and taking him away from me. It's torture.
I stare at Zhan ge, neither of us saying anything for the moment, we just trying
to soak up as much of it as we possibly can.
"You're really pretty, you know," Zhan ge says, breaking the quietness.
"So are you. Maybe not pretty, that's more soft, isn't it? Beautiful, maybe."
His gaze shifts down to my lips and back. I notice this and instinctively do the same. Neither of us tries to fight it as we both drift closer together, the already small space between us becoming nonexistent.
As our lips collide, I shift so that I'm propped up on one elbow as the other hand rests gently on Zhan ge's jawline. The kiss grows deeper as we move so that Zhan ge is sitting up and I'm straddling his lap.
The whole time I just can't get enough. It's intoxicating, really. My head feels dizzy, it's a high, but at the same time, I can't help but let the thought of it not lasting forever slip its way into my mind.
It's a long kiss, a good kiss. One that I think is probably best. I can feel the desperation in Zhan ge.
It's a good kind of desperation, the kind that causes me to feed off of it, probably giving just as much as Zhan ge is. Passion and desperation mixed to create one hell of a combination.
Zhan ge let out small moans and shit it was so fucking hot, god how I've missed his soft moans and voice. His kiss is unbelievable, and his touch is unforgettable, but my love for him is undeniable!
After a little while there's a few short kisses at the end before we pull away, Zhan ge's eyes open after mine, slowly almost as if he's waking up from a dream.
I smile, not being able to resist it. "I liked that," I said.
Zhan ge smiles back, his heart probably beating just as fast as mine as his hands are draped around my waist. "Yeah, me too." It's not the first time we have kissed but this one felt different and I wanted more. But I'm not sure if Zhan ge is ready for that now so Instead I climb off of him and sit beside him, resting my head on his shoulder.
"I really don't deserve you," Zhan ge says.
"That's not true, and you deserve so much more too," I tell him. I wish there was a way to make him feel the way I do when he says these things.
"I can't believe that it happened you know? Like what are the odds?"
"Of us meeting the way we did?" I ask. Zhan ge nods.
"Honestly, part of me wishes it didn't," Zhan ge says, but before I can sit up he continues. "For your sake. For me, I get to have you until the day I die, literally. You, you have to deal with the aftermath."
"I'm okay with it. I'm not gonna act like I'm not going to be sad or anything. It'll affect me for sure, but it's okay," I said, trying to assure him.
"You say that, and I don't doubt that you're strong enough and stuff, it's just like the fact that you have to be sad at all, you know?"
"I mean, there's nothing you or I can do about it now. I love you, I'm pretty sure you love me, and that's all there is to it. We just are in a very unfortunate circumstance." Zhan ge sighs.
"I guess, yeah. Maybe one day you can come to be a star with me."
I give a sad chuckle. "I wouldn't want anything else."
Zhan ge, have you tried looking for your mom and sister? I asked out of the blue.
Zhan ge almost choked on his saliva. Hmm, I... I... Did... A few years ago. I got an address. I went there several times but meet no one. I sent a couple of letters to the house but got no reply so I moved on. He sighed, I could see the hurt clearly in his eyes.
I'm sorry, I just wanted to... It's okay Wang, that was why I didn't tell you then. I wasn't expecting anything from her though. Zhan ge said cutting me off. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke again. "I'm glad I have you." he squeezed me close.
"I'm glad I have you too. I whispered and kissed him.
Zhan ge, Cheng is not reachable and I'm beginning to get worried. I breathe out.
Wang, Cheng is trying and I'm not going to hold anything against him. I just don't want to raise my hopes. I've come to terms with my new reality and I don't want you to hope right now, Wang. "Let's just cherish the moment, please." Zhan ge said, holding back his tears.
I'm sorry, I whispered.
It's okay big baby. We cuddled for the entire time and I didn't know how long I slept. Until Zhan ge woke me up.
Wang, it's time. I don't want the guard knocking on us all the time. I'll see you tomorrow, okay baby?
Okay, I mumbled.
He hugged me with a few short kisses and I opened the door only to see the guard waiting outside.
He cuffed Zhan ge and took him away, while another guard walked me out in the opposite direction.