Labis labis na dagundong ang nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko habang hindi ko magawang alisin ang mga mata ko sa nanlilisik na mga mata ni Apollo. His forehead were so creased I know it doesn't mean any other thing but trouble. Suminghap ako at wala nang planong gumalaw ngunit naramdaman ko ang pag hawak ni Tyson sa kaliwang kamay ko at ang marahan niyang pag-hila sa'kin pabalik sakaniya.
"B." He hoarsely called. Mabilis ko siyang nilingon at nakitang lasing lang siyang naka-titig sa'kin. Ni wala man lang bahid ng kaba ang mukha niya! Shit, Tyson!
Mabilis kong ibinalik ang tingin kay Kuya na umiigting na ang panga sa nakikita. I shook my head in defense.
"Kuya. Uh—"
"What the fuck are you doing, Echiverri?" Malutong na sabi ni Kuya. Medyo kumulot rin ang dila niya kaya napansin kong naka-inom rin ang gago. Ugh! Did he just come home from a night out, too? Sa lahat ng oras bakit sabay pa kaming umuwi? At sakto pang hinatid ako ni Tyson. Sana dun na lang ako umuwi sa bahay niya! Nang sa ganun si Mommy lang ang makakalaban ko. Pero ito? Si Apollo? He's my worst nightmare!
I heard Tyson's chuckle.
"Bro." Aniya. Mariin akong napapikit sa sobrang inis. Hayop ka, Ty! Ba't ka ngumingisi diyan eh galit na galit na yung Kuya ko!
"Huwag mo akong bino-bro gago, anong ginagawa mo sa kapatid ko? Tang ina." Umabante si Apollo kaya halos himatayin ako sa kaba. Mabilis akong pumagitna sakanila. Shit! Parehong lasing ang mga lalaking ito! Baka mag jumbagan at matamaan ako! Yung barbie forehead ko! Baka ma dislocate at lumipat sa kaliwang sentido!
"More like, anong ginagawa namin?" Ani Tyson sa mapanuksong tono. Lumingon na ako sakaniya at inis siyang hinampas sa dibdib.
"Tyson! Ano ba? Tumigil ka." Mariin kong sita. Dinungaw lang ako ng mapupungay niyang mga mata at mas lalong ngumisi. Why do I feel like he's enjoying this? Hindi naman siya ganito kanina, ah? Halos magmakaawa na ito kanina para kausapin ko lang, tas ngayon parang gustong makipag-laro! Tyson and his moods!
"Tang ina, kilala kita Tyson. Huwag ang kapatid ko!" Tinulak ni Kuya ang kaliwang dibdib ni Tyson kaya napa-sigaw ako.
"Kuya, please! Don't make a scene! Nasa harap lang tayo ng bahay, please." Hinihingal kong sabi habang inaabante ko naman ang katawan ko papunta sakaniya para hindi siya tuluyang maka-lapit kay Tyson.
"And you! How dare you keep this from me? Why do you always involve yourself with problematic men, huh? I'll tell Daddy on you!" Hasik niya sa mukha ko. Agad akong umiling.
"Kuya, please! Ikikwento ko naman, eh! Kuya—"
"Hah, as if you are not problematic yourself, Apollo. You can't even own up to poor Claire." Kibo ni Tyson sa likod. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at kitang kita ko ang pag-dilim ng mukha ni Kuya.
"Tyson!" Sigaw ko. Hindi ko napag-handaan nang lumipad ako sa gilid dahil sa lakas ng pag-tulak sa'kin ni Kuya. Mabilis akong lumingon at nakita ang malakas na pag sapak ni Kuya sa mukha ni Tyson. Kinwelyuhan niya ito pagkatapos at ipiniid sa sasakyan nito. Hindi gumalaw o gumanti si Tyson at tamad lang na hinayaan si Kuya.
"Kuya, ano ba? Tumigil ka nga! Pareho lang kayong lasing ano ba!" Sigaw ko at lumapit sakanila. Hinampas hampas ko ang likod niya at hinihila palayo kay Tyson.
"You don't know shit, Echiverri!"
"You don't know shit, too, brother." Paos na sabi ni Tyson.
Mas lalo kong hinila palayo ang damit ni Apollo na halos ma punit na ito. Ang tibay tibay niya na hindi ko man lang siya magalaw palayo kay Tyson. Walang ginagawa si Tyson pero alam na alam kong sa oras na seryosohin niya si Kuya ay baka lumipad pa itong kapatid ko sa gate namin. I perfectly know how strong Tyson is! Shit!
"Tama na, Kuya! Ano ba? Gusto mo ba talagang magising sina Mommy at Daddy?"
"Oo tang ina 'pag 'di ka lumayo sa lalaking ito! Hiwalayan mo 'to sinasabi ko sa'yo—"
Hindi natapos ni Apollo ang sinasabi nang sinikmurahan siya ni Tyson. Natumba si Kuya sa semento at napa-yuko. Tumili ako at mabilis na humarang kay Tyson nang akmang susugurin niya pa ulit ang kapatid ko.
"Ty, no! That's my brother! Ty!"
"What the fuck? Don't press my buttons dickhead!" Parang kidlat na boses ni Tyson. Parang iyong boses niya noong una pa lamang kaming nagkikita.
"Ty, please stop! Get in the car now!" Tinulak ko siya ngunit nanlilisik lamang na naka-tutok ang mga mata niya sa Kuya ko sa likod.
"Don't listen to him, please. Now get in the car, I'll see you tomorrow." Bulong ko sakaniya upang pakalmahin siya. Shit! Bigla na lang siyang sumabog!
"No, you don't listen to him! Subukan mo, Apple, tang ina subukan mo lang!" Bulyaw niya. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig niya. Agad akong umiling.
"Hindi, hindi. Ssshh." I cupped his face. I felt the clenching of his jaws against my soft palms. Hahalikan ko na sana siya ngunit malakas akong hinila ni Apollo palayo sakaniya. Tyson cursed.
"Tang ina mong gago ka, sa lahat ng pwede mong paglaruan kapatid ko pa! Kung sira na buhay mo huwag mong damayin ang sa kapatid ko!" Dinuro ni Apollo si Tyson.
"Apollo, stop it! Pumasok na tayo!"
"Apple? Apollo?" Tinig mula sa likod namin. Nahintakutan akong napalingon at nakitang si Nang Lupe pala. Bagong gising ang mukha at naka-daster lamang.
"Anong nangyayari?" Anito at tuluyang lumabas ng gate. Lumapit ito sa amin at tiningnan kami pa-isa isa.
"Wala, Nang. Pakipasok nalang si Apple sa loob." Ani Kuya at tinulak ako patungo kay Nang Lupe. Umiling ako at sinamaan siya ng titig.
"Sabay tayo, Apollo." Mariin kong sabi. Matigas akong tiningnan ni Apollo pero nakipag laban ako. Baka magpatuloy lang sa pagsusuntukan ang dalawang ito kapag iniwan.
Tiningnan ni Apollo si Tyson ng isa pang beses bago galit at mabilis na pumasok ng bahay. Kinabahan ako dahil baka gisingin niya sina Mommy at Daddy upang mag-sumbong. Labis na nga ang kaba ko nang nagising si Nang Lupe, ano pa kaya't yung mga magulang na namin.
"Day, anong nangyari?" Ani Nang Lupe. Hindi ako nakasagot at naiiyak na lamang na lumingon kay Tyson na mariin lang na naka-tutok sa akin ang mga mata. Akmang lalapit na ako nang umiling siya.
"No. You get inside now. I'll fetch you up tomorrow." Aniya sa mahinahong tono. Napa-iyak ako at umiling. His jaw clenched.
"I don't want to kill your brother. Get inside."
Napa-singhap si Nang Lupe nang narinig iyon at nagpa-panic na hinila ako papasok ng bahay na para bang papatayin kami ni Tyson. Inis na lamang akong nag-pahid ng luha.
Nang nakapasok ng bahay ay naabutan naming sumusuka si Apollo sa lababo ng kusina. Alam kong na-trigger ang pagsusuka niya dahil sa sikmurang ginawa ni Tyson. Parang lumuwa lahat ng na-inom niya.
Kahit gustong gusto ko man siyang komprontahin ay nanaig pa rin ang takot sa akin. Takot ng reyalidad na nahuli niya kami at panigurado bukas na bukas ay sasabog ang balitang ito sa mga magulang namin. Kaya hindi na ako lumapit pa sakaniya at umakyat na lamang. Alam kong may tanong sa isipan si Nang Lupe ngunit ipagbubukas ko na lamang ang kwento.
"Matutulog na ako, Nang." Pagod kong sabi nang hindi lumilingon at mabilis na umakyat ng hagdanan.
I felt so drained when I got inside my room. It was a very long and exhausting night. I was already emotionally exhausted when I fetched Tyson up from the club. Akala ko'y giginhawa na ang pakiramdam ko nang nagka-ayos kami nung hinatid niya ako pauwi ngunit dumagdag pa talaga si Apollo.
I honestly don't know how to feel or to even react. Hindi ako naiiyak. Anxious, yes. I know that I got myself into a trouble and there's nothing I could do but to face it. Tomorrow.
I mean, if I really think about it, there's nothing I should be afraid and worried about being with Tyson. I can get to any relationship I want just like anybody else. I don't even know why I am even hiding this relationship from my family. All I know is that, subconsciously, there are factors that made me do it and feel about it.
Firstly, my father's homophobia. Especially that he's well connected to the Echiverri's and the idea of him learning that his transgender kid is fucking with his colleague's son is a heart attack for him. He's so much concerned and focused on impressing the people in his industry that he cannot afford to have me embarrass him.
Secondly, Apollo's unhealthy display of protectiveness. Plus, his subtle paranoia about me getting involved with Tyson. I first noticed that when he first learned that I already met Tyson back in Tagaytay. He may never verbally warned me about Tyson but I always knew that he's the one he would never ever let get near me.
Lastly, I know for myself that what Tyson and I have now are really not yet that final. I am aware that I kind of just have been fooling myself about us but I also am aware that a single 'Let's date, then.' from him is not enough to solidify whatever we have right now. I know that we are pretty still in a somewhat mutual understanding and fuck buddy stage and he just likes to sugarcoat it with the idea that we're exclusively dating just so he won't have to suffer seeing me get away with him and cook for other boys. His jealousy is so intense that he would probably fake asking me to marry him just so he could gate keep me. And yes, sadly, I still fall for that.
And I know that's why, despite of forcing myself into the idea that there's nothing to be afraid of, I still couldn't get myself to actually care less about it. Kasi alam ko, lalo na dahil sa pangatlong dahilan, na kaya ko rin ayaw munang malaman ng lahat lalo ng pamilya ko ay dahil hinihintay ko ring maging sigurado na si Tyson sa akin. Sa amin. Dahil sa oras na malaman ng pamilya ko, susunod din roon ang pagkakaalam ng ibang tao. Not that his friends do not know about us now. Pero iyong lahat ng taong nakakakilala sakaniya at sa pamilya niya ang tinutukoy ko.
I smiled bitterly at my ceiling. Despite my very strong personality, I am still so weak. Despite how much I try to empower myself and have pride, I still am so scared of embarrassing the people I love just because of my gender identity and all the stigmas that come along with it.
Nakatulog ako sa sobra sobrang pag-iisip. I wasn't even able to change my clothes. I feel so dirty and I hurriedly threw myself to the bathroom.
Habang nagpapa-tuyo ng buhok sa harap ng vanity mirror ko at nag-aapply ng konting make up ay pinapakiramdaman ko ang ingay sa labas ng kwarto ko. It's eight twenty five in the morning and my parents should be up already kanina pa. I am already anticipating a loud bang on my door but nothing came up just yet. I anxiously did my light make up.
I don't know what to do today. Next week pa ang balik skwela at wala naman kaming usapan ni Tyson kagabi tungkol ngayong araw. He just said he'll fetch me up pero wala rin akong natanggap na text mula sakaniya kaya baka tulog pa iyon. He was so drunk.
When I finished doing my face, my hair is already dry. I sat and busied on my phone and look for something to do today. Gusto kong takasan ang gulong paparating sa bahay na ito.
Should I text Kobi and Jade? Inaasikaso pa rin ba nila iyong isang subject nila? Bakit kung kailan ako free eh 'tsaka naman sila busy? We all used to have very flexible schedules until college. Grr.
I was swiping fast through instagram stories when I caught Claire's. It was a picture of her outside the registrar's office. Nasa school ang bruha? I replied to her story.
Me: hoy nasa school ka?
Mabilis naman siyang nakapag-reply kaya tumayo na ako at kumuha ng maisusuot. Claire it is, then.
Claire: yup. business ads only. at baket?
Me: gusto kong gumala. tulog pa si ty.
Claire: omg nag inuman sila kagabi diba? di ka na nag reply after i send you nikko's post. what happened?
Nilagay ko muna ang phone ko sa bed at isinuot ang wide leg denim pants na nakuha ko sa closet. Agad akong nag-type pagkatapos.
Me: ayun sinugod ko. di nagpaalam eh. just giving him the same energy lol.
Claire: bitch as you should! u should get even with him. tulog pa no? halika dito sa school, patapos na ko sa docs ko then sama tayo sa rockwell.
I put on on a white crop tank top. I smiled. My always go to friend.
Me: gaga ayoko na makipag away dun nakakapagod. pero sige pupunta ako.
Claire: jk haha takot din ako kay ty. sige bilisan mo tapos mag iwan ka ng text sakaniya para walang gulo.
Nag-suot ako ng manipis na gold necklace at gold loop earrings. Hinati ko lang ang buhok ko sa gitna at inipit ang sa magkabilang dulo sa magkabilang teynga ko. I then wore my white Skechers and white shoulder bag.
Dahan-dahan akong bumababa sa hagdanan at nakikiramdam. Nang walang narinig na anumang ingay ay tuluyan na akong bumaba. I felt so relieved when I successfully got to our living room without any traces of my family. Dali dali akong tumawid ng sala upang makalabas na nang biglang may tumawag sa akin mula sa kusina.
"Apple!" Dad's voice thundered. I felt extreme chills all over my body and I immediately felt nauseous. Jusko!
Lumingon ako sa kaliwa ko kung saan naroroon ang kusina at nakitang naroroon silang tatlo nina Mommy at Kuya. Kumakain sa maliit naming kitchen island. I saw Kuya grimacing at me while Mommy's giving me an intriguing look. Ang hindi ko inaasahan ay ang naka-ngising si Daddy.
"Halika! Join us." Aniya. I could feel my knees trembling as I slowly walked towards them. I don't know why my body is reacting like this and I couldn't even control it. This is way worse than what I have imagined it would be.
"Sit, Apple. Tell me about it." Ani Daddy. Naguguluhan akong umupo katabi ni Mommy. Kaharap namin silang dalawa ni Kuya. Si Kuya ang nasa harapan ko talaga. Galit at naka-taas ang kilay.
Why is Daddy so hyped up? Bakit hindi siya galit? Halatang sinabi na ni Kuya pero bakit ganito?
"Speak up. How did you manage to get the young Echiverri? Unbelievable!" He was so amused. Mamula mula pa ang mukha sa sobrang mangha at galak. Agad akong nakaramdam ng mali. This feels off. I want to be happy that he's not mad but I know there's more to it.
"Dad..." I stammered.
"Come on! The heir to the Echiverri's generational wealth. And a promising civil engineer in the making at that!" He exclaimed.
Oh... I see.
"You're overwhelming your child, Ariel." Si Mommy. Umiling si Daddy at sumubo ng pagkain.
"I'm not! I'm just asking. If there is overwhelming here, it is the Echiverris. Definitely not us." Tumawa si Daddy. I couldn't even speak up.
"Stop it, Dad. I told you. That bastard is a trouble. Ayokong madikit iyon sa kapatid ko!" Halos muntikan nang tumaas ang boses ni Kuya. Just by the look of him, kanina pa siya frustrated. His face is so red. I can imagine him expecting to have the same rage from Dad when he broke the news to him but instead he got this. Not that I prefer Dad to really be angry but it also feels so wrong getting this reaction from him. His agenda is showing it's so pathetic.
"And so what Apollo Noli? It is not always just about that. You have to look at the bigger picture." Aniya at ibinalik sa akin ang tingin. He then pointed his finger at me.
"And that's what I have always been telling you, Apple Neone. The connections. The importance of connections. That man will be big and that's what matters." He seriously said. I don't know what to feel. Wow.
Padabog na ibinaba ni Kuya ang kutsara niya at umalis. Daddy shook his head and drank from his coffee. He smiled at Mommy.
"Must be the paintings, huh?" He joked.
A stab in my heart if I may say. Whatever he was saying may be confusing but that one is not. What does he mean by that? That I only was able to get Tyson because of my paintings? That as his child, he never believes that I am capable of making someone love me as a person? Is that how extreme his homophobia is?
Napatulala ako sa lamesa. I wasn't even able to say anything. If anyone here is overwhelmed, it is him. He was overwhelmed by his embarrassing ambitions that he really did not even wait for me to answer him and share about it. Kasi sa una pa lang, hindi naman talaga siya interesado. He has his own agenda that he was disguising as an interest.
"Apple, you should eat." Ani Mommy nang tumayo na si Daddy at may tinawagan. I watched him stand near the window and talk to someone in a business like tone.
"Sa school na, My. I'm running late." Sabi ko kahit nagugutom talaga ako.
"Bakit? Balik klase niyo na ba?"
"Hindi. Next week pa. May ipapasang documents lang ako." I lied. Mommy is the only one bearable in this family. But her nonchalance also hurts sometimes.
"Oh, sige. Bibigyan kita ng pera. At eto, mag baon ka nito. Are you going to see Tyson? You should give him some." Aniya at tinuro ang baked sushi sa hapag. Natatakam nga ako roon kaya tumango ako. She smiled.
"Mag kwento ka na lang kung komportable ka na. Pag pasensyahan mo na ang Daddy mo. He's just really fascinated with old money people. You know he's not one." Her smile turned bittersweet. Parang may kamay na humawak sa puso ko at kahit papaano'y nabawasan ang tampo ko kay Daddy. Bagay na nakakainis dahil hindi dapat parating ganoon.
Lumapit si Nang Lupe at ibinigay sa akin ang lunch box ni Tyson. Ang alam niya'y akin ito pero hindi nila alam na naging kay Tyson na ito kalaunan. Niramihan ko ang baked sushi dahil takam na takam ako.
Hinatid ako ni Mommy palabas ng gate at binigyan din ng pera. Hindi ko na nakita si Daddy kaya pilit ko na lamang na isinawalang bahala. Nag-tipa na lamang ako ng text para kay Tyson.
Me:
Ty, I'm going to school today. On my way. Nagpapa-sama si Claire mag-submit ng documents. Saglit lang to tapos didiretso ako diyan sayo. Love you.
Pagkarating ko ng school ay maingay na nakikipag-usapan si Claire sa mga kaibigan niya sa isang kiosk. Mostly, hindi ko kilala. May iilang lalaking nakaka-laro ni Tyson na taga business ad kaya nahiya ako.
"Apple! Ang tagal mo! Tapos na ako halika na." Aniya sa kalagitnaan ng pakikipag-chikahan niya sa dalawang babaeng kapareha niya ng program. Nagsilingunan tuloy sila kaya nahiya ako. Nang nakalapit ay dinampot niya na ang bag niya at tumayo.
"I'll go na girls. My sis in law is here na." She said in a very conyo accent. Nameywang na lamang ako at umirap. Ano pa nga ba, I'd rather deal with Claire than rot in our house.
Eksaherada akong bineso ni Claire nang nakalapit sa akin at hinila na ako. Her left arm is wrapped around my right arm as we walk.
"Saan ba tayo? Mag Aura nalang kaya tayo? Or Greenbelt?" Buga niya sa gilid ng mukha ko.
"Aba ewan ko sa'yo! Librehin mo'ko ng pamper." Pagtataray ko. At oo, mang dedelinsya tayo sa chaka today.
"Wala sa usapan iyan, ah! Hmp. Pero sige, total ako naman nag-aya. Ayain mo rin ako sa susunod." Aniya at papalapit na kami sa car park. She's leading me there so maybe she's brought a car.
"Ayain kitang suntukan gusto mo." Sabi ko. Tumawa siya.
"Yucks, super lalaki! Don't be like that." Aniya. Natawa na rin ako. Oo nga naman.
"Mag coffee shop tayo after kasi ichi-chika mo sa akin ang ganap niyo ni Ty lately! Iyan na bayad mo." She giggled. Mosang talaga 'tong chararat na 'to.
"Ay shit! Yung PSA ko!" Biglang tumigil si Claire kaya natigil rin ako sa paglalakad. Kumalas siya sa'kin at sinapo ang noo.
"Huh?"
"Yung PSA ko nasali ko roon sa folder ng documents ko. Tara, balik muna tayo sa registrar." Aniya. Umirap ako.
"Nubayan! Tara bilisin natin. Kaloka hah! Kakapagod maglakad." Reklamo ko pero hinila na rin siya pabalik para matapos na. Mabibilis ang lakad namin ni Claire kaya nakabalik agad kami after five minutes. Naka-yuko siyang nakikipag-usap dun sa maliit na butas ng registrar. Pinanood ko lamang siya habang parang nahihirapan siyang makipag-deal sa registrar. I smirked.
Kinuha ko ang phone ko nang na-bored kakahintay. Namilog ang mga mata ko nang nakitang may dalawang missed calls galing kay Tyson. At 45 minutes ago na! Shit!
Agad agad kong dinial ang number niya. Ilang ring na ang lumipas pero hindi naman siya sumasagot kaya nag tipa na lamang ako ng text.
Me:
Ty? What is it? Nasa school na ako with Claire. Papunta na kaming SM Aura. Lilibre niya ako pamper at merienda tapos punta na ako sayo. May lakad ka ba? Please tell me.
"Bakla, tara." Biglang sulpot ni Claire sa gilid.
"Si Ty tumawag. 'Di ko nasagot." Sabi ko at tinurn off ang silent mode ng phone. Tanga.
"Oh? Nagpaalam ka naman, 'diba? 'Pag yun nagalit tas damay ako pagbabayarin kita ng ililibre ko sa'yo." Aniya. Pabiro ko siyang tinamaan ng siko ko.
"Oo naman! Takot ko lang, noh."
Pabalik na kami sa carpark habang naglilitanya si Claire tungkol sa hirap niyang makipag-usap dun sa registrar. Medyo hindi raw kasi niya naririnig yung sinasabi ng ginang.
Hinahayaan ko lang si Claire magdaldal habang papalapit na kami sa carpark ngunit natigilan ako nang mahagip ng mata ko ang lalaking kaka-baba lang ng puting Mazda 3.
"Nate." Utas ko.
Natigilan si Claire at tumingin sa'kin nang kunot ang noo at sinundan rin kalaunan kung saan ako naka-titig. She gasped.
"Omg, Nate! You're late! Kanina pa kami tapos mag process. Ba't ngayon ka lang?" Sabi ni Claire at iniwan ako upang lapitan si Nate.
Nate smiled at her pero pabalik-balik yung tingin niya sa akin. Shit! Ba't 'di ko naalalang business ad din pala 'tong si Nate!
Biglang sumulpot sa isipan ko si Tyson ngunit agad ko iyong iwinaksi. Since that day, I've always wanted to talk to him and apologize. And Tyson never gave me that opportunity. Kaya ngayon, kukunin ko na itong pagkakataon na ito. I'll deal with Tyson later on. The chance to apologize and actually do it is basic human decency.
Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sakanila. May sinasabi pa si Claire pero yung mga mata ni Nate ay hindi maalis sa akin.
"Nate..." I awkwardly called. He smiled.
"Apple." He politely called back. Aww.
Natigil si Claire at lumingon sa akin. Sandaling kumunot ang noo ngunit agad ding nakuha. She grinned excitedly.
"Sa car lang ako, Aps. Iyong puting Geely." Turo niya sa sasakyang nasa unahan pa. I nodded. Claire never disappoints.
Mabilis kaming iniwan ni Claire at nang kaming dalawa na lamang ay napa-kamot siya sa batok niya at ngumisi. Shit. Ang awkward. And we're in the middle of the fucking carpark! The same area where Tyson just showed up on the day of his game!
"Kamusta." Aniya. I felt my cheeks burned because of the humiliation of what I did to him before.
"I'm sorry, Nate. I'm so sorry." Sabi ko at pinaglaruan ang mga daliri ko. I'm sweating. I saw him smirked.
"What? I'm asking you how are you. It's been a while." Aniya. Gosh! I know he knows what I mean. He's just way too kind to acknowledge it and make me feel more guilty.
"No... really. Nate, I'm so sorry." Napayuko ako. I didn't even get the chance to send him even just a text message after that. It was plain rude and mannerless.
I heard him sighed. Napa-tingala ulit ako sakaniya at nakita ang namumungay niyang mga mata. May lungkot at panghihinayang sa mga mata niya kahit naka-ngiti pa rin siyang naka-titig sa akin.
"It's fine... I... I understand. I heard." Aniya. Parang nilukot ang puso ko. Nate is so pure and he doesn't deserve all the cruelness in this world.
"I heard about you two. Echiverri, right?" He smiled at me. My lips shook. Shit.
Napa-yuko ulit ako at tumango na lamang. I heard him chuckle.
"Don't be sorry, silly. I was still able to eat that day. Though, I kind of always wondered what food was that and what it would've tasted like..."
Napa-tingin ako sakaniya. His face is now serious as he look straight into my eyes.
"Every night."
Napa-higpit ang kapit ko sa paper bag na dala. Guilt washed all over me and when I was about to say sorry again, a loud and rough screeching of tires against the cemented floor broke the peacefulness around us.
Sabay kaming napa-lingon at halos iwan ako ng kaluluwa ko nang makitang ang itim na Raptor ni Ty ang huminto sa gilid namin. The door opened harshly and it revealed his scowling face. Agad akong napa-abante dahil yung posisyon ng paglalakad niya ay sumusugod.
"Ty." I called when I noticed that he cannot see me in front of him because his eyes are too focused on Nate who's behind me. Shit! Jusko.
"Pamper, huh? With this lame fucking ass?" His jaws clenched so much as he speak while his eyes are never leaving Nate.
"We were about too! Claire is here. S-she's in the car. T-there." I pointed to Claire's car and I saw her worriedly looking at us over her window. Her hand is covering her gaping mouth.
"Oh yeah?" Maangas niyang sabi at swabe akong iwinaksi sa gilid. It was not rough but it was enough to gain reaction from Nate.
"Hey!" Ani Nate at nag-aaalalang tumingin sa akin. I shook my head at him to let him know that I'm okay. I'm more worried about him now.
No, no, please! Not again! Wala na akong ibang dinulot kay Nate kundi abala at gulo! Shit!
"You're worried, huh? Worried for somebody else's girl? How about you stay the fuck away from Apple and mind your own little lame ass games." Dinuro ni Tyson si Nate kaya natataranta ko siyang hinila paatras.
"Ty!" Sigaw ni Claire mula sa sasakyan niya. Oh, gosh! Help me!
"You can't treat your girl like that. And yes, I am staying away. I have been. Had I not been doing that, I am for sure your competition." Ani Nate sa seryoso ngunit malumanay na boses. I gasped.
Sumigaw ako nang kinwelyuhan ni Tyson si Nate. Napa-tili rin si Claire kaya sumigaw na ako sakaniya.
"Claire, ano ba!"
I pulled Tyson's muffled polo shirt but he's too strong I couldn't even move him for an inch away.
"Tang ina, tinatakot mo ba ako? You will only be my competition if you're in an octagon cage with me you motherfucker." Tinutulak ni Tyson si Nate paatras habang kinikwelyuhan niya ito. Hinampas ko na ang likod niya sa sobrang takot.
"Ty, please! Stop it!" I cried. Narinig ko ang takbo ni Claire palapit sa amin.
"How did the food meant to be given to me and stole it tasted like, huh? Looks like something not a winning party would do against a lame ass opponent like me." Nate smirked. I screamed when he immediately was pinned down the floor. Sobrang lakas nang pagkaka-tumba niya na sigurado akong tumama ang ulo niya sa sahig.
"Tyson, shit! Fucking stop it!" Claire screamed. Hinila niya ang kwelyo ni Tyson mula sa likod habang hinihila ko naman ang kaliwang braso niya.
"Tang ina kang gago ka!" Tyson's voice thundered. Akmang susuntok pa siya ngunit nasakal na siya ng pag-hila ni Claire sa kwelyo niya mula sa likod. Napa-upo siya. Agad kong nakita ang naka-sapo sa mukha niyang si Nate. Naka-ngiwi at tinatakpan ang kaliwang parte ng mukha. Oh my gosh.
Agad siyang dinaluhan ni Claire at agad ko ring iwinaksi muna ang atensyon mula kay Nate. I pulled Tyson up pero malakas niya lang na hinawi ang mga kamay ko at tumayo. Nang naka-tayo ay marahas akong hinila patungo sa likuran niya at dinuro sina Claire at Nate.
"Magpakita ka ulit sa'kin at lulumpuhin kita!" He roared. I felt my tears just now. I was so caught up with the fear of seeing Tyson hurt Nate.
"The fuck, bro?" Mga tinig na paparating. Nakita kong iyon iyong mga lalaking taga business ad na nakakalaro ni Tyson sa basketball. Gulat silang naka-tutok sa naka-higang si Nate.
Hindi na sumagot si Ty at marahas na akong hinila papuntang sasakyan niya. He pushed me in the car like a sack of rice. Nagpupuyos na umikot at pumasok na rin. Halos magiba na naman ang pinto ng Raptor niya sa sobrang lakas ng pagkaka-sara. This reminds me so much of the night he destroyed this very same car.
"Ano putang ina! Speak up!" He shouted. Napa-sigaw ako nang mabilis niyang pinaharurot ang sasakyan nang hindi pa man ako nakakapag-seat belt. Natataranta kong sinuot iyon habang tahimik na umiiyak. Traumatized.
"Sinabi ko na sa'yo, Apple. Sinabi ko na, 'diba? Ba't ang tigas niyang ulo mo? Ano bang problema mo?!" Sigaw niya. Pumikit ako at huminga ng malalim kahit nahihirapan. May umuusbong na galit sa loob ko pero nasasapawan pa rin iyon ng takot at sakit.
"And who told you that you can just go out without my permission? And with Claire?! Alam mong ayaw kong sumasama ka sa babaeng yun! Tang ina wala nang ibang hatid kundi gulo!" Patuloy niya. I want to tell him that he's the one who brings trouble so bad but I couldn't do it. As always.
"Ni hindi mo man lang hinintay na magising ako at mag-reply?! Ni hindi ka maka-hintay kung papayag ba ako o hindi? Tapos hindi ka sasagot sa tawag ko? Bakit? Dahil kausap mo na yung lalaking yun? Hah?!" He maliciously probed. Fuck!
"Oo! Hindi ako maka-hintay sa permiso mo dahil gustong gusto ko nang umalis sa bahay! My parents already know about us and I can't bear to stay there with my father who's fascination about your wealth is to the sky! And Apollo's mad at me! Please, Ty! Hindi lang ikaw ang nasa relasyong ito! Nandito rin ako! Isipin mo rin naman ako!" I lost it.
Napa-takip ako sa mukha ko matapos ko siyang masigawan din. I already expected a harsher rebuttal from him but silence enveloped us. Tanging ang mas lalong bumibilis lamang na pagpapatakbo niya ang nararamdaman ko.
"Fuck. Just the sight of you two together makes me see fucking red." He said under his heavy breath. Pinunasan ko ang pisngi ko at tumingin sakaniya.
The first thing I saw was his pitch black eyes. It was so dark I couldn't see his pupils anymore. His eyes are watery but the blackness of his irises do not have a single shine on it. It was so black it reminded me of the times when I caught his eyes just like that before. It's almost as if he's... hurting.
Akmang aabutin ko na ang mukha niya ngunit galit niya lamang na iniwas ang tingin at hinubad ang seat belt niya. Hindi ko napansing nasa basement na pala kami ng tower ng penthouse niya. The car died down.
"Baba." Matigas niyang sabi at malakas na isinara ang pinto. Halos mabingi ako kaya napa-sapo ako sa magkabilang teynga ko. Another batch of tears streamed down my cheeks. Oh, gosh. He's so toxic.
Bumukas yung pinto ko at naamoy ko agad siya. Pinunasan ko agad ang mga luha at walang kibong bumaba at nilagpasan siya. Nag-lakad ako patungong elevator habang dala-dala pa rin ang paper bag na ang laman ay ang lunch box niya.
"Hintayin mo ako." Mariing sabi niya at ni-lock ang sasakyan niya. Maingay itong tumunog. Hindi ako sumagot. I swear, this anger inside me is something I've never felt before especially towards him. Dati ay tampo lamang ang nakakaya ko sakaniya ngunit ngayon ay nagawa ko nang makaramdam ng purong galit.
Poor Nate! He doesn't deserve that at all! I hate how Tyson always just think about himself! He was so inconsiderate! And rude! Nate was not even doing anything wrong. It's not right to harass someone like that just because you're jealous. Jealousy has never been a sensible reason to justify bad things you commit because of it.
Bumukas ang elevator at nauna akong pumasok. Nakita kong naglalakad pa si Tyson ngunit umakma nang magsasara ang elevator kaya malakas siyang nag-mura.
"I said fucking wait for me! B!" His voice thundered. Hinampas niya ang pinto ng elevator kaya bumukas ulit ito. Tumabi ako sa gilid at hindi siya tiningnan. Mas lalong nadadagdagan ang galit ko. I don't want to burst out. My shouting at him earlier was the early sign of it. I don't want to farther it.
Katahimikan ang namayani sa loob ng elevator habang inaangat kami nito sa tuktok. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang titig niya sa akin ngunit hindi ako nagpa-tinag.
Nang nakarating sa palapag niya'y nauna akong lumabas ngunit dinakip na ng matigas niyang kamay ang kanang braso ko.
"I'll lose it now. I damn swear." He warned. Nag-iwas lang ako ng tingin at hinayaan siyang akayin ako papasok ng bahay niya.
Nang naka-pasok ay nauna na akong lisanin ang hallway niya dahil pinag-pipindot niya na naman ulit iyong remote niya sa pinto. Lock them all you want. I don't care.
"Oh yeah? Now giving me the cold and silent treatment after I caught you red handed?" Patuya niyang sabi habang naka-sunod na rin sa akin matapos niyang e-lock ang pinto.
"Please, stop it, Ty! I did nothing wrong! I talked to him so I can apologize! I did not even know he was there! Pero nung nakita namin siya ni Claire, bilang tao alam kong kailangan kong humingi ng tawad man lang!" I wasn't able to help myself and cried again.
"Why do you feel the need to apologize, then? What was he to you? Are you that obligated to apologize to a man you're not accountable for?" He spat.
"It's my conscience telling me to do so, Ty! It's telling me to do it after I left him hanging and without a word because of you! Because I chose you over him!" I broke down. Kitang kita ko ang pag-dilim ng mukha niya lalo. Oh, gosh. This man will be the death of me.
"You fucking what? What did you just say?" Lumapit siya sa akin. Hindi ako sumagot. Ngayon ko lang napansin na naka polo shirt lamang siya at black sweat pants. Parang hindi na nag-palit ng damit at sumugod na agad sa school pagkagising niya.
"Chose me over him? Did you love that asshole?"
"No, Ty! No. Argh! Wala akong minahal kundi ikaw ano ba! Bawasan mo naman iyang pagka-seloso mo kahit konti nang hindi ka nakaka-sakit ng ibang tao!"
"Not when there's a lame asshole out there, blatantly saying he's my competition! Tang ina, makita ko lang talaga ulit iyong-"
"For God's sake, Ty, spare Nate! He doesn't deserve being attacked like that!"
"And you think your man deserves to be threatened? Is that it?" He cut me off. I gasped. Ang mukha niya'y namumula ngunit ang mga mata'y nanatiling madilim. My heart ached so much at what he said.
Because for the first time in our relationship, umamin siya sa tunay niyang nararamdaman. Tigagal akong napa-titig sakaniya.
"A-are you saying—"
Hindi niya ako hinayaang matapos at tinalikuran lamang ako. Nag-lakad siya patungong kusina at narinig ko ang marahas niyang pag-galaw sa mga baso niya roon. I heard the sound of an opened bottle and I knew he ran to his vice for comfort.
Pagod akong napa-upo sa couch niya. Ipinatong ko ang paper bag sa center table at nag-punas ng mga luha. Narinig ko ang mga yapak niyang pabalik at nang nag-angat ako ng tingin ay hubad baro na siya. Hawak hawak ang basong punong-puno ng madilim na inumin. Not his usual beer. But a strong whisky or rhum this time.
Nang nakalapit sa akin ay ipinatong niya ang inumin niya sa center table katabi ng paper bag. Kunot noo niyang kinuha iyon at inilabas ang lunch box. Binuksan niya iyon. He looked at me with his knitted brows.
"No. It's for you. Our lunch. I told you pupunta ako dito pagkatapos namin mag pamper." Inunahan ko na siya dahil alam kong iba ang nasa utak niya. His jealousy towards Nate almost seems like he's insecure about the latter. And I don't know why. I don't know why when I am pathetically so in love with him.
Ilang segundo kaming nagka-titigan bago ako pagod na huminga at nag-iwas ng tingin. Tumayo ako at dinampot ang shoulder bag ko. Nanlalata akong pumasok sa kwarto niya at napa-higa sa kama.
Pumasok ulit sa isip ko kung gaano ka kawawa si Nate kanina. Na bagok yung ulo niya sa semento! Naiiyak ako ulit sa sobrang awa. Hindi ako maka get over. Seeing Tyson beat a stranger up in his cage fight is one thing, but seeing him beating someone I personally know is another. Plus, he just recently punched my brother too. And I can't seem to ever forgive him for that.
Tumayo ako at napag-desisyunang uuwi na. Ayoko munang manatili rito dahil wala lamang kaming patutunguhan. Galit siya at galit rin ako. Galit ako pero hindi sarado ang isipan ko. Siya, oo. Kaya mas mabuting huwag muna kaming mag-kita. I'm new to being this mad towards him and I don't want to be mad because I love him. Pero pakiramdam ko'y kailangan niyang malaman na nagkamali siya at ang manatili rito at magpaka martyr sakaniya gaya ng lagi kong ginagawa ay hindi makaka-tulong sa pagpapa-tunay ng punto ko.
I am and will always be a martyr for him. But not today, at least. I can't take what he just did. He needs to know he's wrong and I need to make him see my point.
Lumabas ako at naabutan siyang tahimik at tulalang umiinom ng alak. Lantad ang katawan at tattoos. Umiwas ako ng tingin at hindi hinayaang maakit. Dire-diretso kong tinahak ang hallway patungo sa pinto niya. I instantly saw the remote laying on top of the coffee table in the middle of his hallway.
"Saan ka pupunta?" Naaalarmang tinig niya. Hindi ako sumagot at pinindot ang unlock button ng remote. Tumunog ang pinto.
"Shit. B, saan ka pupunta? Anong ginagawa mo?" Natataranta niyang sabi. Mabilis niya akong naabutan bago ko pa man mahawakan ang door knob kaya nag-pumiglas ako ng yakapin niya ako. I instantly inhaled his very addicting natural manly scent.
"I wanna go home. I need to rest, Tyson. Let me go." I sternly said. I saw how his face paled.
"No, no. No, Buttercup. You stay here. You rest here." Mabilis siyang umiiling-iling. Natataranta.
"I can't have that here. Excuse me,"
"No, B..." He tried to mask his fear with anger but his voice broke.
"I'm tired. Let me go."
Napa-pikit ako nang mahigpit niya akong niyakap. Higpit na higpit na hindi na ako halos maka-hinga. I felt his body tremble. He buried his face on my neck and shook his head.
"I'm sorry." He murmured on the sensitive part of my neck. Nanindig lahat ng balahibo ko. Napa-tingala ako kasabay nang pag-tulo ng luha sa kaliwang mata ko.
"I'm sorry, B... Dito ka lang."
Nanghina ang buong katawan ko. Parang ang lahat nang naipon kong lakas ng loob at galit sakaniya ay biglang nag-laho. Tang ina. Ganito tayo, eh. Ang bilis makuha.
Hindi ako sumagot kahit na kuhang-kuha niya na naman ulit ako. Hindi ako sumagot dahil gusto ko pang kumapit man lang kahit papaano at manindigan. At naramdaman niya iyon kaya mas lalong nataranta.
"Please, I'm sorry." His head rose up from my neck and the door suddenly opened. Pareho kaming napa-tingin doon at halos maging gulay ang mga tuhod ko sa nakita.
Naka-tayo si Engineer Teorico sa bungad ng pintuan at gulat na gulat sa naabutan. He's probably heard what Tyson said too. Itinulak ko si Tyson ngunit tila bakal siyang naka-yakap pa rin sa akin.
Dahan-dahang lumuwag ang mukha ni Engineer Teorico at tumaas ang kilay. He then smirked.
"Throwing a tantrum again, huh?"