Its about the halloween episode in season 6. Mayas thoughts and how she is definatly not well.
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And then the radiator blew. Within seconds the entire ferris wheel shock to the core and i lost grip. My feet were dangeling in the air, i only held on with one hand looking down at the darkness beneath me. I could hear myself scream, but just then everything seemed to slow down. While hanging there, time seemed to fade and everyting seemed to go in slow motion. Exept the thoughts in my head. Or maybe they were so fast, the world seems so slow in comparison. I didn't know.
'thats your chance. Just let got.'one voice said softly. 'Its easy. And noones gonna suspect a thing. You just fell.' Right. Right. I could just let go. 'Don't let go. Are you stupid. You climbed the ferris wheel, so if you fall its entirely your fault.'another voice said louder, the last three words sounding a lot like my dad. 'You couldn't have known the radiator blew.'the soft voice wispered. 'Noones gonna accuse you, because you couln't have known the radiator would blow.'Yes. Yeah. I couldn't. I need to let go. The darkness beneath me looked welcoming, soft, like i could rest for once. I am so tired. But this tired could not be cured by sleeping. This was much deeper. 'Just let go. Its going to be fine.'the soft voice said. Yeah. Yeah. But than a thought sliped into my mind. Carina. I saw her face. Heard her voice. 'Come home, bambina.'I remebered the state she was in, after her brother had died. I can not let her go through that again. 'Just let go. Its going to be fine. You can rest, if you let go.'The voice grew louder and louder, not soft anymore, screaming at me. 'Let go' 'Bambina, I love you, Be save.'Carinas Voice again. I need to decide. I wasn't going to die, if i let go. Was i? But i can not add to Carinas pain. "No. Ahhh." i yelled loudly. And my feet found the ladder again. The slowmotion ended. Everything was back to the usually fast and chaotic scene. And i fell into work mode agian.
When we came back to the station my thoughts were spiraling. My foot hurt with every step. And the voices grew louder and louder. 'You should have just let go.'the soft voice yelled at me. 'It was good you didn't. You saved that family. You nearly died there aswell, but you saved them. 'a third voice chimed in.'Yeah, but you didn't did you.'the first voice, now not soft at all anymore, yelled. 'You didn't do it, did you? Die? You are so weak.' Chilles ran down my spine. "Yeah, Okay Bishop. Let me take a look at that ankle." Warren said and ripped me out of my trance. "I am fine, Warren. It just needs to be walked off." "That is not how this works, you know that." Ben said as Ruiz walked past me. "That was the stupidest thing you pulled. You know that." "We saved their lives." "You could have stayed, where you were and directed us. Just like you were Vic and Trav. You wanted to be a Hero and it was dumb as hell." 'You didn't want to be a hero.'The third voice said. 'You didn't know, how much longer you could stop yourself from letting go of the ladder.''Yeah. You shouldn't have done that.'the first voice said.'You shoud have just let go. Noone yells at an injured or dead.'I shoud have just let go. The i wouldn't be here. I could rest and... "Bishop's worked five shifts in a row. Thats 120 hours with barely any rest. She is killing herself to prove she has a spot on this team." 'Killing? He knows. He can't know.'the voice that sounded to much like my father chimed in. 'Killing yourself would be weak. They can't know you are weak.'"I'm fine, Ruiz. We saved that family." "Maya, Your wife might be pregnant. You could be someones mom right now. And yet you are pulling cowboy crap, like you got a death wish.' Bam. He know or does he? 'Please. Help me. Stop me.'a tiny voice said weakly in the back of my head. 'I need help.''Wrong.'my fathers voice chimed in.'You don't need help. And you are so weak for even thinking that.''Look. Now you regret not having let go.' the first voice said. My brain raced around these thoughts louder and louder, even as Becket threatend to send me back to the academy, they didn't stop.
I went upstairs, to grab some water. My head hurt and my vision was blurry. I didn't even see Carina at first. "You know i might be pregnant." She said and because i didn't understand her acusticly i asked "What?" She smiled at me. And for one second the thoughts were quiet. "I'm hungry all day, i can't stop eating. I think its a good sign." "Yeah." I said. Falling back into the spiral of my thoughts. 'you are not worth her, she has been through enough. Don't burden her. You are such a burden.' "Are you okay?" Carina said. "Yeah. Just tirsty and tired. I'ma.. I'ma go shower and then i'll come home." I said. It felt good. Although i knew that it is going to be so painfull. At work i can fall into the atomatic work mode. I act and react and i don't feel. But when i am at home, my thoughts spiral. My every move is criticised by the thoughts in my head. "Yeah, Bambina, you should sleep at home, in bed with me." She looked so sad. So desperat. I didn't want to look into her eyes anymore, so i kissed her and left.
I didn't bother getting out of my clothes. They needed to be washed anyway. I sat there the warm water running down. The thoughts in my head grew louder. Yelling at me. For not letting go, when i had the chance. For not keeping eyes forewared. For causing Carina so much pain. For being so weak. So weak.
I took of my shoe and my sock. My ankle was a little swolen, but not blue. It hurt a lot though. How could i have been so stupid, that drop wasn't even 4 feet high. Theoretically i knew that i should have it X-rayed, but practically i would never do that. It would prove my weakness. 'yeah. You are so stupid, can't even jump of a tiny step.' 'Everyone is going to laugh at you.' 'See, you did get hurt. Why didn't you just let go, when you could.' They grew louder and louder and louder. And i couldn't hold it anymore. I cryed. Tears streaming down my cheaks. I rested my head in my hands and sobbed uncontrolably. I felt so alone. So alone with noone exept the voices. But whilst crying one voice grew louder. The tiny one. The one i can hear when people suspect something. 'help me. Get help. You don't have to be feeling like this.'