Thua had watched as everyone had raised their hands, their placards, and shouted their slogans, participating in their protests with all the might they each possessed. Everyone around him was full of energy, smiling, angry, and giving it all to what they thought was required for their right.
Protest to be allowed to be oneself.
It had been the right crowd, the right place for Thua to have been at.
Except...
Thua collects his passport and smiles at the Immigration officer at the counter and heads out. Even though he has lived all his life in Thailand, the sudden temperature difference is making him sweat buckets. He walks slowly, in no hurry to collect his bag, and looks around. He sees a family buy duty-free foreign chocolates and looks away. He had no one to buy for anyway. There is no one to appreciate them anyway.
He takes his jacket off unable to continue tolerating the sweat sticking to him and holds it on one arm.
Thua turns off the Airplane mode and waits for the cell network to catch on. He heads over to the Baggage Claim area.
Swarms of people from several International flights are gathered around the same couple of belts. Thua's flight from the Netherlands via Berlin was delayed by several hours. Just like many other flights due to the torrential rainfall.
Thua heads straight to the assigned belt and waits for his luggage.
It is another fifteen minutes before his bag shows up. As he is about to pick it up, someone roughly grabs the bag next to his and knocks his hand away in the process. Annoyed, Thua looks up but his bag is sliding away. Hurrying to catch his bag, he almost trips over his handbag. Thankfully, a fellow co-passenger stops his bag for him. She says, "People are quite rude these days."
Thua thanks her and turns around to give the rude guy an annoyed glare but he is nowhere to be seen.
Instead, in the crowd under the Exit sign, he thinks he sees a familiar face. His heart skips in his chest and Thua holds onto his bag a little tighter.
It cannot be Kan because Khanlong moved out of the country years ago.
But they are in an airport...?
Thua shakes his head.
He laughs at his younger self. Somehow the foolish kid in him still imagines seeing Kan around. Still hopeful.
*
Despite having been angry at the other boy... despite all the disappointment and anger towards himself, Thua had hoped that Kan would have stepped forward and come clean about it. That he would have been honest for once and admitted.
That he would have looked Thua in the eyes and said...
*
Thua disposes of the now empty water bottle into a trash can after crushing it and looks for a sitting area to settle down in. The Lounges are full. Hundreds of people are stranded in the airport due to rain. They have to wait till sunrise at least and even then maybe some more. He is happy to wait.
He scrolled through his phone and a text from Wat popped up on the screen. It is from a few hours ago.
Have you reached?
There were several missed calls from Namo and Nammone. Just one from Ayan.
Text when you reach.
Does he mean Thailand? His home?
Thua scrolls past them and opens his family group chat. His parents have spammed it with stickers and one-liners in the case of his stepdad. He smiles at the screen. He sends just one text
Call me when you're up. I will be at the airport only. Don't worry.
There is no reply as expected. He presses the Lock button and finally sits down at one of the remaining seats. He places his luggage all around him and drapes his jacket over one of the handles. He puts his glasses back on and pulls out one of the journals he had borrowed from the National Library before leaving for his trip.
He reclines in his seat and reopens the page he had last left on.
*
As one year after the other had passed, Thua's anger had simmered down to a place where the confusing amalgamation of emotions that smacked him internally from time to time and made him periodically hate himself and hate Kan had simply dissipated.
It had only left in its place one wish. To hear Kan tell him sorry.
Thua would have gone back to being friends with him. He could have let him go from his heart. He would have moved on.
When finally Thua had stopped hiding in his books and escaping with the excuse of being busy due to his medical field, he had gotten to know that even Kan's older circle of friends was not in touch with him.
That while the fake Bruce Wayne account still existed to date, Kan Khanlong's account had disappeared one nondescript day.
*
Thua squeezes his eyes shut as they smart from the dim lighting. He shuts his journal and places it on his lap.
He decides to go to bed as soon as he reaches home once he has met his parents.
He hears one pair of footsteps moving closer to him.
Thua removes his glasses and presses his thumbs against his eyebrows. The pain is searing.
The footsteps stop.
"Hey."
Thua opens his eyes, startled. No one should be here to pick him up.
He shoves his glass onto his face and blinks his eyes rapidly as they sit crookedly on his face.
In front of him is a face Thua had given up on being able to see again in person.
Kan.
*
It was mid-semester back then when Wat told him as they had sat huddled in a booth at his neighbourhood pub.
"I talked to his parents," Wat had tried to whisper.
"Whose parents?" Thua had asked, blinking owlishly.
"Kan's..."
"...."
Wat had mistaken the silence for permission to continue.
"His mother looked surprised when I -I told her that 're not in touch with 'im."
Thua had held himself still, refusing to let his body betray his feelings.
"I-" Wat had continued, "I don't understand. Why h- he left... without telling us. Weren't we friends?"
*
Kan has a bag slung over his shoulder, his rippling arm muscles standing out against the background. If back in their High School Kan was beginning to gain muscles, now he is jacked up.
"Hello?" He repeats awkwardly.
Thua clears his throat and says, "Hey..."
He really is here.
Thua's mind is blank.
"Nice to see you again?" Kan says and pulls on the strap of the bag again.
"Yeah." Thua gives a jerk of his head as a nod.
"How're you doing?"
"I am alright." Thua looks down at the journal in his hand, squeezes his eyes shut, and then looks up. "You?"
"I am okay too."
Thua doesn't know what to say further.
They keep catching each other's eyes and looking away despite being right in front of each other.
Kan then laughs. "I didn't think I could go back to being so awkward again."
Thua looks at him surprised. It is the closest to any kind of acknowledgment of their shared history.
Kan licks his lips in apparent nervousness and takes a step back. "Just saw you from there and thought would come to say hi. Anyway, will leave you to your novel."
"It's a journal."
He thinks Kan checks him out as his eyes scan him up and down and then he is turning around and leaving.
All those days and months Thua had been hoping, had been waiting to hear a word from Kan. To hear anything.
Now he is here and is leaving and Thua doesn't know how to stop him.
Thua has never known how to hold Kan back; to get him to stop and be next to him.
*
Bruce Wayne had started texting him one day and then kept going. He had seemed invested in Thua's well-being in a way Thua cannot recall even his parents being. He always asked 'how are you' 'was that ok' 'are you happy with that' or just asked him about his day. He was always excited to know about the most mundane things in Thua's day.
It had been too good to be true.
For a moment there Thua had forgotten that Bruce Wayne was only ever an alter ego in fiction. The other half of the person was just as true for their identity as Bruce Wayne and that they had to remain separated for a reason.
Almost from the beginning of their conversations, Thua had guessed it was Kan. Some of the things Bruce Wayne had known about him or his activities was too detailed to have been a coincidence.
Kan had never been a good liar.
Not when he had pretended to be angry at the kids making fun of them instead of the actual reason that bothered him.
Not when he had said he had slept the night (and not remembered their kiss.)
And, especially, not when he had said they were still good friends while not being able to look into Thua's eyes and accept they hadn't even been just friends in years.
*
Only two hours have passed. Thua is bored but his heart has been beating in its cage rapidly.
He has been texting Wat and Namo to update his position. The forecast is such that he may be able to leave by seven in the morning. His mother calls suddenly saying she's awake and has been unable to sleep worried for her son.
Ayan promises to meet him the same weekend. Presently, he is at Akk's village.
Thua's friends from college also text him on seeing his status. His cousins whom he had been visiting in Europe are texting him constantly to know his current location.
He has to repeatedly text everyone he is fine for now in the airport.
He sits up, stretching his arms.
Thua considers napping for some time.
His stomach is rumbling a bit, hungry but he cannot leave his seat on the chance that someone else might take it.
Thua looks around. The crowd is bustling with old and young people alike. The glass walls of the airport building do nothing to hide the thunderous noise and crackling lighting.
Thua watches the view outside from his seat, the static noise in his mind just as loud.
As
he continues to look outside, he notices the reflection of a person get clearer as he comes closer.
Thua turns around to see Kan coming towards him with two cups of coffee in his hand.
"Coffee?" Kan asks, lifting his eyebrows and extending one forward.
"Oh," Thua takes it. It is black like he has always liked it. "Thank you."
"You can sit here." The person next to Thua interjects suddenly and smiles at Kan. "I'm leaving now."
The stranger collects her bags and leaves.
Thua slides onto her seat and Kan takes his.
The scent of rain is marred by a very faint woody smell followed by fresh coffee.
Thua peers at Kan's cup and is surprised to see it is black too.
"Since when do you drink it black?" He can't help but ask.
Kan looks down at his disposable cup and then looks at Thua equally surprised. "I guess, I got used to it."
Oh.
Kan never drank his coffee without milk and lots of sugar.
"Does it have no sugar either?"
Kan looks at him through the corner of his eyes and gives an amused look. "Only a little."
"..."
What do they talk about now?
Kan picks up the journal he had put over his bag and checks the title. "Medical Science, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Your parents aren't in that field."
"No. It's by my choice."
Thua can't help but feel small next to the man. Kan is in a muscle top so his arms are bare and he sits with his leg spread, straddling the seat. His thighs are muscular as well and his jeans are straining. Thua wonders if his distraction and occupation for more reasons than one are obvious to the other man.
Back in Suppalo, Thua had liked Kan even when he had been skinny. But once after he started going to the gym if he was apparently hot, then now Kan is ...
Thua sips his coffee.
"So, how have you been? You were on a trip?"
"Yeah... Visiting cousins."
"In F-" Kan begins before abruptly stopping. "I always thought medical students were always too busy to do so."
Thua glances at him. "I have taken a year-long break to decide what I want to do next."
Kan turns around in his seat completely to face him. "What, really?"
Thua looks down at his cup, conscious. "Yeah."
"That's pretty cool."
"Is it?"
"Yeah."
"Well, not everyone agrees."
"Screw them."
Thua smiles over his cup.
"Mae doesn't understand it that much but Dad convinced her so..."
"He is Dad now, huh?"
Thua blinks at Kan, confused. Then he gets it. "We are very different people and we both realised that we think similarly and want the same things in a lot of matters."
"Ah."
"He is a bit rough but he is nice to my mother."
"To you?"
"To me as well."
"Good to know."
"What about you?" Thua asks like the well-mannered boy he is but he wants to retract that question.
"What about me?"
"How have you been? What are you doing?"
"Did undergrads. Then worked for a bit. Then left said job and went around travelling. Did some Volunteer work." He takes a pause and then asks, "Is it weird to say I'm still figuring it out at this age?"
"You're just twenty-four. So am I. I don't think it is wrong. Or, weird."
"So are you not happy with your medical degree? Your six - five years should be over, right?"
"Six," Thua corrects him. "Yeah, graduated a couple of months ago."
"Oh, congratulations!" He smiles and it makes Thua squeeze his empty cup a little harder. Kan is handsome. Especially, with the way the tuft of hair is naturally falling over his forehead. Back in school, he always had hair gel or some product in it.
"Thank you."
"Then what do you want to figure out?"
"If I want to do Master's or Ph.D.... Which area of specialisation would be the most beneficial to me."
"I see..." Kan says frowning. "But doesn't college help you with that?"
"Not... exactly. Not with what I want."
"And, what do you want?" Kan asks, interested, leaning towards him.
Thua watches his face searchingly. This man's words finally match the conversation he had with his alias Bruce Wayne. He might as well be talking as Bruce Wayne. Is it because he doesn't care now about the pretense? Is it because this is what he is now? Because the Kan Khanlong later in their friendship spent a lot of effort in pretending that he wasn't interested in Thua's life whatsoever. Not even casually.
If you had once asked this question, I would have said you.
Thua subtly tries to lean away from Kan confused by the way he is suddenly feeling like his eighteen-year-old self in front of him.
"I want to serve my community and I want to figure out which specialisation could help me do that best."
"Your community? You mean your province?"
Thua shakes his head slightly. "I mean the LGBTQ+ community."
"Oh."
Thua thinks Kan will jerk away or makes excuses to leave but instead he laughs good-naturedly.
"You're still like that, huh?"
"Wh-"
"Always wanting to help people. Being kind. It is not enough that you're going to work in a field that by profession helps the needy out. You've to go the extra mile."
"Well, there are a lot of people who still refuse to treat us or, misdiagnose us or, simply, don't understand our problems due to lack of awareness despite requiring it by profession," Thua says curtly.
"I know. I'm just saying it is nice to know that you haven't changed that much. You're still kind and willing to help people out."
"I wouldn't say that..." Thua is unsure how to take the compliment. He always was nice to Kan. So he says, "I was nice to you. You just mistook it for everyone else."
Kan watches him with a slight smile on his lips and drains the rest of his coffee.
"Just because everyone is 'in the community' doesn't mean all of us will come forward to give back to it."
"I think, a lot of people have to deal with a lot of shit in life already so if they're not able to do anything like this then we shouldn't hold it against them."
"True but the truth is many of us are selfish and would rather hide even when we don't have to. And, to help anyone else we would have to admit to ourselves first that we need it ourselves."
Thua is a bit stunned.
Kan nonchalantly plucks the used cup from his hand and stands up. "Let me go dispose these off. Do you want something to eat?"
"Uh..."
"If I find anything nice, I'll get it."
"Okay."
Thua watches till Kan disappears into the crowd.
*
Bruce Wayne" had agreed to join him at the protest the World Remembers group had organised outside Suppalo's premises.
Thua had been excited for more than one reason. He was going to publicly protest against his school's authorities. He was going to meet and "learn" who Bruce Wayne was. Except, he had always known who it was so it had been a big deal to know that Kan finally was going to come forward and admit to Thua it was him (and maybe about the kiss at Akk's place.)
Thua had had a fitful night's sleep, anxious and excited.
He had woken up early and hadn't been able to stop smiling when Bruce Wayne texted him
See you later
Not even several minutes later, Kan had texted from his number.
Be careful
Oh, Thua had been so nervous but happy that morning.
Even his stepdad had commented on it, saying it was nice to see Thua smiling so much.
Then an hour later at the protest with people milling about him, Thua had stood alone with his phone in his hand.
Even though everyone was being out and proud and being loud about themselves, Thua had felt strangely detached. All the noise had strangely dampened despite being right in the midst of it.
He kept waiting till the end of it but even in the crowd, he remained alone.
He couldn't stop staring at the screen of his phone.
Bruce Wayne had read his, "Where are you? I'm at the protest already" almost immediately but he hadn't shown up.
Desperately, he had wished even a random stranger to come forward and introduce themself as him but no. No one did.
He had been left on Seen.
As unwilling tear drops had fallen onto his phone's screen, Thua had wondered if the pain in his chest was just due to a heartbreak or also because of the loss of friendship that had eroded over the years.