Chapter 14. Suffocation
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Sleep is weighted on my eyes as I sense the morning approach, there is a small sliver of sun peeking its way through the window above me lighting the room like fire. It takes a moment for me to gather the stamina to lift the pressure from my eyes, since the oppressing sunlight burns itself into my retinas.
Blinking away the weight, I stare off at the gray metal wall beside me thinking back to the past night's events. My lips curl up into a small smile in reaction to the picture left in my mind's eye.
"Morning sleeping beauty." Lilly's voice whispers through the quiet room.
"Morning," I grumble. My back stiffens as I turn over to my other side.
Lilly sits alone on her cot with her book pressed to her knees and her back sat up against the wall. "Where is everybody?" I ask.
"Tom came up and got them for breakfast duty, I was on pantry count this morning so I didn't have to do it." The flip of a page follows her statement as she continues her reading.
Grunting as a response, I sit up and pull my long locks into a ponytail left around my wrist. .
"Sooo, how was your night?" She asks moving herself around to face me, a beam of sunlight shines on the brown leather cover of the book she sets down next to her. Her eyes hold the intention I've been avoiding, and I feel guilt bubble up to the surface. Past days events flash into my memory, leaving a sinking hole in my heart.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I respond. "It was a night, I guess."
A slow mhmm reverberates from her throat. "Uh-huh. I believe that after seeing Devin and you sneaking back in after lights out. Good thing I covered for you."
I don't try to meet her eye, instead, I look down at the folded blanket between my knees. Tension rises in my chest and I know her tone is veering towards an accusation.
"Seriously," She whispers, gesturing to me. "What's with you and Devin?.."
There it goes.
The long pause between us is just enough time for her to point her eye at me. A faint tingle comes from the reading of my emotions.
"I could see you were uncomfortable with him when we first got here, but since the art store, I've sensed a change.. What was the whole conversation with Tom even about? I know it wasn't just about your fall." She leans forward on the edge of her cot with her feet placed firmly on the ground.
A sharp inhale consumes my lungs as I straighten on the bed, trying to gather the right words to spill. "Yesterday was very... odd, to say the least." Finding the courage to meet her eyes I recognize the concern laced in them, it's much like the look she gives when I'm reluctant to tell her we're moving once more.
"I... I don't know how to explain this." I brush away the extra strands of hair from my forehead.
"Just spill, you never keep things from me..." Lilly's soft voice is written in unease. Heat radiates through my blanket as the morning sun illuminates the concrete room.
"Yesterday, when we were at the art store I had a vision." Letting the words fall from my lips I keep myself from thinking of the repercussions to them. Reassuring myself that any reaction she gives is not something that I can fault myself for.
"Oh,.." Lilly rocks to the side. "Well, why was that so hard?"
There's still so much more I need to tell you, so much more I wish I could show you...
"Because it was... different from ones I've had in the past... this one I saw mom." I begin. Mustering up the courage to spill everything I remember to her, although I can't help being apprehensive.
Continuing. "And you, and a whole life where mom never left us. Devin was a big part of that life, his life.. It's still all very confusing, which is why I wanted to understand it a bit more before coming to you." My words strand themselves together.
Coming to a halt in my explanation I start to unravel the memories once again.
"It's not just that," Lifting my head takes more effort than normal from the night of drinking left in my veins, as the throb in my temples grows from the shift in position. Her eyes meet mine. "I felt what I felt, or what she felt..." I pause, the explanation confusing me.
"This vision was... emotional, each one I've ever had since I could remember has been so detached as if I'm living through someone else's eyes. This time it felt like me, or I felt like her.. I don't know how to explain it.." Trailing off, I pick at the frayed strands on the blanket that lay overtop me.
Silence sitting between us for a few more heartbeats than I had hoped for. All I want is for her to understand that I'm not chasing this hope of our mother coming back. This guilt of a life she will never know only amplifies that fear...
"I don't understand..." Her face is turned to the side as the shadow covers the other side of her profile, her arms firmly holding up her torso. For a moment I jump to the worst scenario. "Why did you have such a hard time telling me?" The sun hits her eyes as she turns back to me, softening my emotions.
The breath I had held back releases. "I don't know." I laugh to myself, pushing a hand to my forehead in finality. "I thought that...with mom. I just thought it was a sensitive spot for you, that's all." Leaving it at that I push off the uncomfort to my tone as I don't want to pass my anxieties on to her.
Lilly's position moves from her previously hard stance to a little more slouched from her release in tension, and I do the same in response. It's hard not to scoff at my overreaction, it was a little over done being so pent up with guilt .
"Yeah," She pushes past the statement. "I kind of sensed it was something like that.. Something had to be connected with Devin saying he knew you. So, did you learn anything from the vision, where mom could be?" The question comes off almost flat like she's holding back from her emotions. A restraint I am reluctant to recognize in her.
"Nothing was specific to where we were," I noticed my slip. "Wherever they were it seemed just like life as people knew it here, before the uprisings. They lived in a house, in a cul de sac. I didn't get a lot of visual reference from the vision portion.. it was almost like someone placed the memories in my head.." I trail off, feeling a distant lay over my eyes.
Something shifts deep inside my being as I realize what I've said. A tight feeling envelops my chest as a ringing begins in my ears. There is a slight distortion in my vision that catches me off guard as the tightness grows into a suffocation and I feel a pull from within the center of my body. I grip at my chest and fall back against the cot, being dragged down by the pull.
It must have only lasted a few seconds but with the darkness overlaying my eyes it feels like a lifetime. I tear at my shirt as I am sucking in what feels like burning fire, and the weight on my chest grows at each inhale I try to heave in.
My fingertips graze the collar of my shirt as I am about to rip it at the seam, but as I do I gain my breath back. The weight slowly lifts from my throat, and my gasps come in hoarse.
"Whoa whoa, are you okay?" Lilly asks from my bedside with her hands held tight to my shoulders. I blink through the choked tears and nod my head slowly, fighting the alcohol from last night slowly making its way up my esophagus.
I push myself up from the lying position the choke hold forced me into and my response to her comes out hoarse. "Yeah, I'm fine...." I give a quick reassurance, although the experience has left me questioning it... The loss of breath is still sitting tight around my chest. Lilly stays at my side to lend me an arm up.
A shiver rolls down my spine as I lean up against the wall behind me, the cold metal distracting from the deep chill within my core. I rub my palms against my arms, heating them up from the sudden change in temperature.
"Are you sure? Ya looked like you were dying.." She presses the back of her hand to my forehead in an attempt to check my temperature.
I nod once more. "Yeah, I think it was an asthma attack maybe? I don't know...." I try to let the sensation go, not wanting to drill on my loss in control. My heart sinks at the faint pull in my chest that resonates in my core.
Lilly nods her head in agreement, although her gaze is still vexed. My heart rate takes a minute to slow itself down, and as I do the morning sun illuminates the room, calming my breaths a bit more.
"You should probably go see the infirmary to be sure you're okay." She lifts her knees up to stand and returns to her cot, her words laced with concern. I nod my head, dissociating from the fear I was pushed into moments ago.
"So, as far as Devin.. What was he to you on the other side?" She jumps off the sudden alarm with a question to distract from the urgency of me losing my breath.
"We were friends..." My words trail and I push off the whips of hair taped to my cheeks. I'm not sure if I want to give the full details of our previous relationship... Or theirs.
Lilly nods, though I notice the movement from my side view, I can tell it's sarcastic. "Mmmhm. Very believable. You don't need to lie to me about it." She chuckles as she quiets her tone. I meet her eyes with seriousness, in hopes she understands why I am straying away from the subject.
For many reasons but the one that's obvious... I am not her.
"I get it, don't want a cat fight between the two... dogs." Her tone is sarcastic as she bobs her head. Mocking Blakes affection towards me.
"Ha ha, no." My expression is blank as I shift to face her on the bed. The hard surface below digging into my tailbone causes my ass to go numb.
Lilly throws her arms up in defense. "Okay, okay. I get it. Touchy subject. I'm just glad you didn't have something bigger to tell me.." Trailing off, she doesn't mention what she's referencing.
The attention is taken away as familiar voices echo down the hall before entering into the room. I can't help but be in a bit of a shock hearing the two blend together as they enter. Blake laughs at Devin following behind him, I hear the tail end of their conversation. Something about the tech they have for the Liberties?
Uhhhh, not what I would expect.
"Um, how are you guys?" Lilly asks, with surprise laced in her tone. Stealing the words from me.
"We're good, Tom told me to get Devin for the morning meeting, and to start breakfast duty." Blake picks up his tightly kept backpack from the wall and slings it onto his back. It blends into his jet-black uniform, there is an assortment of multipurpose straps hanging around his chest that hold a few knives and a couple other things that are indistinct.
"See ya guys." Giving a small salute he ducks below the door, his head cutting off a few inches before the frame.
I give a wide eye to Devin, waiting until I feel Blake is far enough away to mention anything.
"So," Drawing out the dramatic o at the end. "Maybe you want to explain that switch in tone?" I ask him. He gives me a small grin and shrugs his shoulders, sitting down on his cot below mine. The morning sun reflecting off his blue eyes.
"I don't know, he woke me up and told me to get ready. I did as told and eventually he got more comfortable, I guess?" Plopping onto his cot he has his knees pressed to his chest with his arms propped up and hanging out in front of him.
"Okay, that doesn't sound like a real Blake thing... He's kinda begrudging." Lilly responds, her voice raised in question. "I'm glad he's changing his tunes though." She slaps her thighs to use as a prop and stands from the cot.
"I'm gonna go get some breakfast and then probably take Maria out to do something around here. I'll meet up with you at some point. You two don't have too much fun now." Calling behind her, she leaves us to bask in the morning sun.
Last night's events are exposed in the air as I avoid Devin's gaze from unlocking those emotions. With alcohol in my veins, it was much easier to feel raw with him around, but at this moment I feel off guard. Especially after almost drowning in my own breaths just a few moments ago.
There is a fleeting moment of silence left between us as I attempt to gather myself. My blanket pulls down as I stretch my legs out below me, my night shorts spread against the bed as I do.
"So, you wanna go get something to eat and maybe find something that doesn't have stains all over it for you to wear?" I point to his ragged scrubs that are bound to be taped around him from his sweat.
His eyes smile before his lips do and he nods in response.
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A/N : HELLO AGAIN! I love to see your shining face return and read this little note I like to leave, even if it's just one person reading now it means the world to me 💓 I've been super busy lately so the updates may start slowing down in the next 6 or so chapters
BUUUUT enough about all that, how are YOU?! I hope things are going good and you are staying amazing as always 💞
Anyways THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading this far, I hope you've enjoyed this filer chapter! It didn't have much but we are building and THRIVING 💞 💓 💗