JIMIN POV
My heart pounded in my chest.
"I don't want to hate you." He wasn't expecting that but I couldn't be anything but truthful.
He deserved better of me.
"I don't want to mate someone I could..." I couldn't say the words.
It would make them too real.
"You could what?" He stepped closer and I backed up.
"Please don't." I knew I shouldn't have danced with him.
All it did was add fuel to the fire of my fantasies and give him the idea that there was hope.
But really, what would happen if I agreed to mate him?
He was young. Vigorous.
He'd want pups.
I suppose I could give him the pups easily enough but it was getting them on me that made me sick with both desire and memory.
Every time he touched me, it lit a fire in me, just as quickly extinguished by my knowledge of what encouraging him would lead to.
It would be easier to mate a delta wolf or even another alpha.
Just not someone I had feelings for.
"At least tell me what I did wrong?"
His voice was strong and reassuring and I yearned to give myself over to him, to put my cares in his hands and watch him unravel.
But I wasn't selfish or I tried not to be.
And anything we ever had together would always be poisoned by the seeds of my past.
"Nothing, It really isn't you."
"I can't do that to you."
Greatly daring, I rested my fingertips against his cheek and fought the tears that simple touch brought forth.
I was going to miss him, his faith in me, the calm simple way he engaged with the pups, his stories about growing up hybe.
His dreams of the future.
I took my hand back and bit my knuckle for the relief of a pain I could do something about.
"Can't do what to me?"
"I think it's for me to decide." He raised his free hand, just a little too fast for my over-stressed nervous system.
My body took over and I hit the ground before my brain had time to recognize what had triggered it.
We stared at each other, me with my free arm bent to protect my face, him with a look of painful comprehension on his.
"Fuck." He let go of my hand and sat on the ground beside me.
"I'm sorry."
"I guessed but I didn't know."
"I never told anyone." I pushed myself shakily up onto my hip, then swung my legs around and sat up straight.
My body shook and I wanted to cry.
To cry on his shoulder and have him tell me it would be all right.
But that wouldn't be fair.
"I'm the one who should be sorry I don't know what came over me." I tried a smile on him but I could tell he wasn't buying it.
"Did he hit you often?"
His calm attention was almost as soothing as a hug would be.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged my shins. "No And I expect you'll think I'm lying but honestly it was only at the beginning."
I rubbed at my cheek and sniffed. "And really, I pushed things a lot."
"I didn't want to be there, where I didn't know anyone and I was even less a person than I had been in Busan."
"It was hard to lose even the little respect, I guess? that I'd had there So yeah, I did things."
"And I'm here pushing you."
I shrugged. "It's not your fault."
"I feel like it is. I should have—"
He broke off, his hands lying limp in his lap and I realized then how much he truly believed that he was to blame.
"You couldn't have known, unless you were there."
I put a hand on his knee and waited with bated breath for either my reaction or his.
When neither of us did anything, I continued. "Most of it happened indoors."
"He made it clear right at the beginning that he was in charge and my job was to look after him and the pups he'd get on me and as long as he was happy, I would be happy."
"He wasn't unreasonable."
"It's always unreasonable if you have to hit someone to get them to do what you want."
He stared at my hand on his knee and I withdrew it.
His hand twitched, as if he'd wanted to reach after me but had restrained himself.
I wasn't sure what I thought about that.
Then again, I was never sure of anything around him, except I wanted him and I was afraid to fail him.
Jungkook rubbed his hands down his thighs, as if the movement helped him think.
"What do you want?"
"What can I do to help you?"
I started to laugh, though it was halfway to being sobs.
"Oh Jungkook, I know what you were doing tonight with that dance and I want you, I do."
"But I'm scared and terrified."
"I see you and I want to kiss you and touch you and something in my body is convinced that the bedroom would be different with you but I'm so scared."
"What if I couldn't bring myself to...why would I do that to you?"
The last words were said in a choked whisper and I bowed my head and squeezed my fists tight enough the knuckles turned white.
"What's the point of an omega you can't fuck?" I whispered in shame.
His fingers tangled in my curls and he turned my face up into the moonlight.
"I could say silly omega but I imagine you've heard that a million times and it's not what I really think."
"Can we make a deal?"
"What sort of deal?"
My heart leapt up into my throat, fear and hope and an agony of indecision choking off my breath.
"Let me court you."
"We can draw up a contract, with whatever rules you want in it."
"I know, they aren't legal with an omega."
"If you want you can choose someone to stand for you in this."
I grimaced. "I go back to heaven stone in a couple of days."
"What's the point?"
"I'll call Kai and tell him I'd like you to stay longer."
"He's not going to agree to that."
"They'll be building the doctor's house now and I'll have to be there to tell them what we'll need to run the household."
"Doctor?" He eyed me thoughtfully.
"Okay, now we're definitely telling him I want to court you."
"No! Not until I know!"
"I don't give a shit about that!"
I don't know what he saw on my face but he backpedaled quickly.
"What I mean is, that's some thing that we can work on."
"Or maybe it never works."
"You already have four pups, do we really need more?"
"What?" He couldn't be saying...
"There's no way you would mate me and not ever want to have sex, Jungkook." My old anger crawled up to the surface.
"Don't lie to me or treat me like I'm stupid, I'm not."
"Don't treat me like I am either, then." His words were fierce but there was no anger in them, only determination.
"We don't know what the future will bring, I like you."
"I like your pups."
"I can't imagine not seeing you again, playing with hyun on the floor." He grinned, looking almost ten years younger.
"Doing push-ups with Jih on my shoulders.
Okay, he'd said it to make me laugh and it worked but I was still angry at him, for devaluing my own feelings in the matter.
"So you expect me to tie you down, not knowing whether it could ever be a real mating."
He shook his head and reached out for my hand. "Okay, now I am going to say silly omega, because that's what you are."
"Love doesn't come from here,"
he cupped his groin and I chewed the inside of my cheek to keep from following his hand with mine.
"It comes from here." He put my hand over the center of his chest and covered it with his own.
And while the steady thump of his heart vibrated up my arm to draw my own heart into its rhythm.
"If you had some illness that left you too sick for lovemaking, I would still want to spend time with you."
"We mesh well, your strengths bolster my weaknesses."
"You laugh at my jokes and that alone is enough to make me want to mate you."
"You're trying to make me laugh again."
He nodded solemnly but his eyes twinkled.
"I really want to swear at you right now." I told him, trying to keep a smile off my lips.
"I'm shocked and you a well-brought up omega."
"Oh, fuck off." He laughed and I decided that maybe I shouldn't give up on this.
After all, it had only been two weeks.
"All right."
"You can court me and my pups, don't forget about them."
"I hardly think Jih would allow that." he said dryly.
His heart sped up under our joined hands.
"He's the alpha of the family right now." I rubbed my free hand over my thigh.
"But if it turns out I can't serve you properly, you have to agree to let me go." I paused for air.
My heart was racing like at the end of a good moon run. "I should call Kai and tell him."
"Dealing with Alphas isn't your job."
I gave him a quizzical look and he laughed.
"Okay, maybe a little." Jungkook looked down and a small smile curved his lips.
He raised his eyes to mine again. "You agree that I can court you until spring."
"Then if you really think you can't, I'll find you someone you can be comfortable mating or try to negotiate something with Kai to let you stay here Or wherever you want to live."
"I have friends in California we could find you a home there if you didn't want to stay here."
"I bet the pups would love the beach."
"I—"
Did I have to think about this now?
"Thank you," I said, for lack of anything more intelligent.
It did say something, I thought, that he had come up with that idea,though even I knew it would not be as simple as calling California and telling them I was arriving.
"Come with me." He stood and held out a hand to help me up.
"Where are we going?"
"We're going to meet Garrick at my office and get you that contract."
Jungkook led me through the trees in the direction of his office.
He pulled out his phone and started to dial.
I put out a hand to stop him. "Let's not spoil the night."
"We can still do it tomorrow, right?" Maybe by then he'd have changed his mind but I was going to enjoy my fairy tale tonight.
"What would you like to do, then?" he asked.
His smile was genuine and he tucked his phone away in his pocket without fuss.
"Come dance with me." I began walking backwards, leading him toward the sounds of the party.
I did so love to dance.
And to dance with him, without all my misgivings stealing the pleasure away, would be heaven.
"It'll be lover's dances now." he said, his steps slow, though not reluctant.
He wants to give me time to change my mind.
Except I wasn't.
He was dealing with me in good faith, I was determined to deal with him in that way.
If we were truly courting then I would dance lover's dances with him because I'd always saved those, waiting for my mate to find me.
It wasn't exactly one of my novels but it was close and so much more real.
I stopped walking and let him catch up to me, two steps closing both the physical and the emotional distance between us.
"It won't be anything more than a dance tonight."
I warned him, then I put my hands on his shoulders and rose up on tiptoe to press my lips to his, awkward with nerves and hope.
Jungkook let me take charge of the kiss and to my surprise, I both liked it and didn't.
I wanted some expression of desire from him, something immediate, physical.
Overwhelming.
I pushed against him, opening my mouth and snaking my arms around his neck.
Every omega trick I knew, I trotted it out, doing everything but pulling him down to the ground on top of me.
He accepted my invitation and began advances of his own.
His hands drew me closer but at the same time I could feel the care he took not to make me feel trapped in his embrace and suddenly I wanted to be trapped, to be his and for both of us to know that.
I whined low in my throat and patted at his arms, until he got the hint and folded me up entirely within them.
Old fear and new desire warred inside me and my breath came in harsh pants as I fed at his mouth.
His arms were so strong, like he could keep the world out, keep it all to just the two of us forever.
Like he could protect me, protect us, from anything that came at us.
Overwhelming but not frightening.
He was careful with me, as if I were some fragile, precious thing in his arms.
I nearly wept for the joy it brought me.
And a tiny seed of trust was planted.
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