October 4 1993
NY, Brooklyn
Kim's party
"You know what I hate about females...the way they wear fake weave and plastic asses. I like a bitch that's natural." Cease said as he played cards with my brother and some other people. Me and Faith looked at one another as we overheard them talking, we held in our laughs just as much as we could as cease drunk ass was just saying anything.
"Hoes be getting ass injects and implants knowing damn well they going to die with an inflated tube in a coffin when it's their time." He went as He played his round. "I like mine natural, no weave, barely much makeup, like a good girl--like a woman who doesn't have much of a higher body."
"Like lante." He recalled staring over at me with his crazy ass, me and faith once again gave out a reaction a disgusted one at most. Chris reached over to cease and kicked him under the table and a rage. "Nigga stop talking about my sister like that!" He warned him as he glared at the drunk boy. Cease quickly dusted that table kick-off as he calmed my brother down with any more of his outraging violence
"I was just shooting my shot."
"Now but you can shoot the next round because we are skipping you," Chris said as he went ahead and played over him. Cease shrugged as he arched back the kick still. I laughed along with faith at his reaction and how he deserved it. Not even a minute into this damn Halloween party I was having fun, sure I was sitting down barely socializing but In all that I could say, having ceased to be a little hurt at the moment was all that I needed.
"Do they do this every time y'all hang out?" Faith asked as she seemed a little new to this or maybe to the environment of stupidity. I shrugged at the girl as I thought for a moment. "Sometimes. But, I don't know really because I tend not to hang out without them." I explained as I gave her an honest answer.
"Feel ya, my little brother is like this with his friends. They say weird shit and play video games all day." She laughed as she related to such a topic. "Annoying brothers I swear they never go away, they never clean after themselves either."
Faith nodded quickly to that as she took a sip of her drink. "Amen to that, I can't tell you how many times I got blamed for a bathroom of a little boy's mess."
"and don't get 'em started on the laundry clothes...so fucking disgusting," I spoke making her agree as well. "They never clean, just filth and germs. I swear most of these boys don't wash their asses but yet still want to try and joke on me."
"Y'all know I'm right behind y'all right."
"And?"
"And. I will like it as you pipe it down some so I can focus."
"You need to focus on self-clean," I mumbled making faith laugh beside me. When Chris heard faith laugh he looked to her and she stopped almost instantly making me laugh at the situation. "Don't be mad at the little blonde here, she just knows it's true that's why she laughed..." I snorted as I went and hid it while sipping on my cup. Faith hit my arm as I called her out and began to explain herself before she was accused even further. "It's the way she worded it, I promise, hun." She giggled as she tried to hold it all in at once. Hun? That was what I heard from her mouth, I caught on to that word easily. Sure I knew people like myself who would call people hun, but the tone was so suddenly off, it was like a sassy hum or neutral, it was more like a comforting tone that told me something. As I was laughing and thinking to myself I didn't know what to make out with that weird encounter but all I knew was it surely wasn't my business. Not my business at all.
My phone buzzed next to me making me flip around in the black jacket I was wearing. When I did the guys with their noisy asses were looking all my way making me annoyed. I decided to excuse myself and take the phone up on my own and off from where everyone was. When I did so I went to Kim's kitchen and hunched around the corner with the phone call wondering who it could be magically. "Hello?"
"Lante? Oh thank god, I caught you. Is your brother with you?" Jan asked as she seemed a little frustrated. Jan, of course. Why didn't I take a look at who was calling me before I answered?
But I carried on with the conversation, with the boys overtalking and loud mouths at the table I put my finger over my head so I could in fact hear Jan more. "Hey, babes, what's wrong?" I asked my sister-in-law as she sounded so stressed, I heard the baby in the background which lifted my spirits, even more, when speaking to Jan., Oh just hearing the sounds of my niece in the back crying gave me Deja uv even much so, that I was glad to hear it, I missed her badass.
"What's wrong," I repeated as I started panicking even when I was getting that deju I still had a feeling that her causing of crying wasn't from anything good. "Uh, she's fine, we're fine it's just. Ya know I'm trying to get in touch with Chris. I don't know if he knew but we decided to have plans to go shopping for Ayanna's costume."
"Awww what are y'all going to have her as?" I asked as a smile lit up on my face. Jan sighed before she answered. "I would know if her daddy was here to help me out, I'm not trying to make it a big deal for you but like...can you tell him to call, I haven't seen him in a while after we plan this and I wanted to make sure he was still on this about trick or treating and taking her on a mini little daddy-daughter day."
"I'll tell him. You know I got you."
She sighed with relief before she went on a quick rant about my brother. "Have you noticed anything with him lately?"
"No, he's barely been around."
"Should have known he went and got caught up with that rapper guy and the rest. That's what he always does."
"What rapper guy?" I played dumb as I wanted to get some detail from her. "Tupac, they've been hanging around each other a lot. Too much for that matter, you wanna know something while I'm going on about this."
I hummed as a yes to her exact question making her continue. "He brought him here before he left, not a word or anything. The only reason why he left in the first place was that I found out he was with that girl."
"Kim again?"
"No some girl him and Sean are working with, I forgot her name but I found out they were clicking around with each other and got sick of it, if it weren't for pac, I'd probably would have burned his shit before he could have gotten it." She said making me laugh just a little bit under my voice.
"He tried to convince me to let him stay but I kicked him right out, I don't care if he bought this apartment for us, what I'm not going to do is be played around while he go plays Hot potato with those groupies and me, it was too much lante."
"I know and I'm sorry for that. If I could control his dumbass actions then I would. The best thing I can do now though is passing the message on. But really, what you need to do is focus don't let my brother's absences bring you down, you need to focus on yourself and Yanna I mean that's what he's doing anyways." I said as I took a sneak glance from the kitchen to my brother who seemed to be enjoying himself. Faith was distracted as well, peering over him as she was being a little close-up.
"I got your back regardless." I made it clear. Out of all the girls my brother has been with Jan will always have my loyalty in some way, not because she was the mother of my Niece--only because she was my encouragement when my own life brought me down, if I could say who my second friend was ever, I would say it was her in a way. She understood the struggles.
"I would never ask for you to get in the middle. But I do appreciate you having my back, yo mother acts like she can't talk any sense into him."
"Yeah trust me, she favorites him if not only. She lets him slide with any little thing. It's fucking annoying." I got into a little rant myself as I brought it up. "It's the accountability that mothers lack for their sons. So you don't have to explain anymore."
"Gosh, it feels good talking to someone who gets it. You are so young and open-minded." Jan said making me sigh. "I'm open-minded because I watch and observe things. When you do that life itself teaches you a lot."
"I wish I had a mindset like that. A smart one."
"Really? For all the advice I give people just think I'm stuck up."
"Independence is key." I continued making Jan agree, "independence is key." She repeated.
Independence was a key, at my 19 age it hadn't been unlocked yet. If it didn't fill my mind I wouldn't realize that I didn't have a key for it, I didn't have independent ideas, nor an independent future, I was still figuring that out or maybe who it would involve. After my conversation was Jan, I had taken my own advice and thought about it. I told a young mother with a child to use independence, maybe I was a little wrong, being independent doesn't mean you have to do things alone it just means you don't allow others to have control over your life. I could have explained it better to Jan but her independence and its meaning will go directly how she wants it to be. Alone or in control? Either way her choice. But for me, I was in control of what I wanted to do, what to wear and what to be like, and who I wanted. I felt like my family wouldn't agree on independence especially my mom after how she acted tonight but I wasn't stressin' one of these days they are just going to have to let me be in control of what I wanted to do.
When I got home I didn't say a word to my mother nor to Chris when I left his car instead I ignored everyone and went straight to my room with the phone, I need advice even if I can't even take my own. I needed to talk more about it before I really understood a thing, pac was much older 21 to exact, so to me he had a little of a bright state of mind, from the way he said things it made me wonder did he have the answers for things...things that involved me.
"Hello?" He answered the phone, He sounded tired like always but it was cute to hear his sleepy voice. "Well hello, I think your punishment for calling me insecure is officially over, now that I need you to talk to me about something," I said making a chuckle on the phone.
"It's not funny..I mean I'm glad you're not ignoring my calls again but I agree with you it's not funny and I shouldn't have said that."
"At least you admit it but I don't wanna talk about that."
"Go on."
"What do you think about independence? Like the meaning to you, I want to hear your thoughts,"
"That's a weird thought." He said unexpectedly as I began to lay down on my bed, when I did lay down on my bed I cuddled one of my pillows as I just wanted to hear his soft voice while I was relaxing.
Hearing his little complaints brought joy to me. Annoying him was an amazing feeling. "I don't want to talk independence? What do you want to talk about? Because I can hang up and let you have a moment to yourself..."
"I'm serious Nigga. What's the meaning too?"
He went silent for a minute having a moment to himself as he thought about it. "Independence." He said the words to himself.
"Independence," I repeated to him as I lay there begging to crawl into his little mind. But he was still processing. "Babe just says the first thing that comes into mind, don't think too hard about it."
"Okay." He said as he thought more. I began to laugh at his dumb ass for doing the opposite. But again I laid there and listened, I could listen for hours and somehow never get tired of his voice. He just puts a smile on my face regardless.
"Oh my god are just going to keep going on a rant on why I'm asking you or are you just going to tell me what comes to your mind?"
"Okay, okay--well there is a struggle with it but you come together with unity and then independence comes in, in some way we learn about it when we are young and full experience when we get older." He marked his answer making me sink in a lot. I took in his words and stored them as a hanging input for later, he was talking but rushing through it, he did really seem to be full on the topic.
"Now...can we get off the talking about deep shit and talk about this party you went to."
"I guess."
"Thank you, now. What happened? You did anything ?"
"Yeah, Shakur I did, I did bad things you wouldn't even want to see." I teased trying to hold in another laugh. "I wore a playboy costume showing everything I had to give and then I fucked 10 guys."
"Lanny you are such a liar."
"Liar? I would never. I would never ever lie to you, why would I lie for?"
"Because you're being sarcastic about it."
"Well wouldn't you be too if your girlfriend excused you from fucking around?...okay now I hear it." I stopped myself as I fucked up. Pac clicked his fingers on the other line as he just listened and heard my own fuck up.
"Hypocrite." He called me out. The laugh I held in came out as he pointed it out making me just overall take the loss that came upon me, "I see it now."
"But I get it from you."
"You get nothing from me."
"Nah I get a lot, you even got me cooking just like you. I think the more I spent time with you in LA within that month and actually seeing how you did things physically made me catch myself in some stuff. Freely I wear nothing but underwear to bed now."
"Underwear to bed is always comfortable I told you that. You are wearing that hot shit and wake up the next day complaining about the air conditioning not being on high."
"I know I had a pet peeve. I don't want to be touched in my sleep by ghosts."
"A ghost. You believe in that shit?"
"I mean I believed when you told me you had hair once so yeah."
"What?" He chuckled as he didn't get it. "When you told me you had hair once I believed it, you know the reference of saying shit to the other that doesn't truly believe."
"Did you just compare me having hair to a magical Myth of a ghost?"
"I think I did and I'm a little high so I'm just saying anything to keep you talking." I really was.
"Who did you get high with."
"Some girl named faith, she was sweet though."
"Faith Evans?"
"I think that's her last name. She didn't really tell me."
"Hmmm..." He hummed. I was a little taken aback by the hum as I sensed something was wrong. "Hmmm?"
It then hit me to ask. "How do you know her last name exactly?"
"Because she's a songwriter."
"And?"
"We all hang out once. Seriously it ain't big deal ole girl was cool."
"When was this hang put exactly because Chris told me he meet her 2 months ago through sean..." I began to become a little skeptical. Something wasn't adding up. Then, it hit me. After jan's conversation with me tonight, it hit me who she was talking about when she meant groupie. Some girl who was working with them, of course, why didn't it cross my mind that it was her?
"So let me get this straight. Chris gets kicked out-
"What..." He spoke making me snap. "Let me finish." I cut him back off. "Months prior over a girl. This girl was around him sneaking around with him while he was patching things up with Jan, so faith is the one she was talking about. How could I miss that."
"Who was talking about who?" He question as he became confused. I gave a little thought before I answered him. "I'm talking about Jan and faith, now that I mention it more it upsets me. My brother had this faith girl around Kim the whole night, doing god knows what he does. It's like he's playing ring around the rosy in these girls' faces and I bet you that none of them know the truth."
"Kim probably wouldn't care neither would Jan but faith. I feel bad. He really made her look like a fool."
"Hmmm..." He hummed snapping me from my deep analyze of this. "Why are you humming just know if you try some shit like that with me, I'll stab you in the heart and donate your organs to a Confederate family." I made it clear as made me cough.
"Why a confederate family."
"Why not? They'll pay good money for nigger organs." I shrug.
"You weird." He called me out as he seemed to be holding in his laugh. He knew the underline racist jokes were funny. But not too much.
"Not as much as my weird brother and his fantasy of having two of his girlfriends in a room." I sighed making him laugh. "Fair enough."