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Ruhani POV
I sat down on the couch and started penning down.
'Hum jaante hai jindagi utni haseen nahi hoti jitni hum khwabo me socha karte hai or ye sabak hume bhot choti umr me hi mil gaya tha. Hum Sooraj ko isliye nahi dekhte kyuki vo hume ummeed deta hai kuch naya hone ki, ek nayi subah ki. Hum sooraj ko isliye dekhte hai kyuki vo hamesha ladta hai hamare liye. Is andhere se. Aap sahi kehte hai ye andhera sachayi hai, in taaro ke paar, jameen se door, bas andhera hi andhera hai. Magar sooraj sirf hume ummeed nahi deta par apna farz ada bhi karta hai. Apni jameen ko, fasal ko, ped podho ko apni garmi se ek maa ki tarah seechta hai or ek baap ki tarah andhere se bachata hai. Jese aapne hamesha kiya, apni Sultanate ko seecha hai, dushmano se bachaya hai or maa ki tarah sambhala hai. Apni jimmedariyo ko kisi bhi Sultan se behtar nibhaya. Jis umr me aap bigad sakte the, haar sakte the, bhaag sakte the, aapne apne abbu ki baato ko yaad rakha. Hum jaante hai vo aap par bhot fakr karte honge. Itna ki shayad is jahan me koi apni aulad pe na karta ho. 22 saal ke hai aap bass or aapka tajurba aapki umr se dugna hai Sultan. Magar, hume ek cheej ka bhot afsos hota hai aapke abbu ke liye. Ki vo jis aulad pe itna fark karte hai itni mohobbat karte hai vo to khudko un gunaho ki saza de raha hai jo unhone kabhi kiye hi nahi. Kabhi haste nahi, kabhi khush hote nahi, basss tanhai me apne abbu ko yaad karte hai. Hume bahut bura laga hai aapke abbu ke liye ki vo jaha bhi honge aapko tadapta dekh khoob rote honge. Magar, vo to chahkar bhi wapis aa nahi sakte. Lekin, aap to unke dukh ko kam kar sakte hai, unko rihaah kar sakte hai is beintehah dard se. Hum denge aapka saath, aakhri saas tak, har cheej me. Aapke ache or bure waqt me, hamesha magar aapko dard me or nahi dekh sakte. Ab aap sirf Aashiq Sultan nahi hai, hamare Shauhar bhi hai or hum aapse beintehah mohobbat karte hai, aapki hasi se hum has jaate ho or aapke aansuo ki nami se sehm jaate hai. Toot jaate hai aapke tadapta dekh. Apne liye nahi to kam se kam hamare liye ab aap roye nahi, apne abbu ko apni khushi me yaad kare or unhe bhi apni aulad ko khush dekh hasne de. Vo jinda hote to bhi yahi chahte.
~ Aapki Begum, Ruhani"
"We go that life is not as beautiful as we imagine in dreams and I got this lesson at a very young age. I don't see the sun because it gives us hope of something new, new dawn. I see the sun because it always fights for us from this darkness. You are right, this darkness is true, beyond the stars, away from the ground, only darkness is there. But the sun not only gives us hope but also fulfills its duty. He is looking for a mother or a father and saves his land, crops, trees, and plants with his warmth. Just like you have done to us, have seen your sultanate, saved them from enemies, and handled it like a mother. Fulfilled his responsibilities better than any Sultan ever did. The age at which you could grow up bad, you could lose, you could run away, you remembered your own father's point. I know, he must be feasting on you. So much so that perhaps no one in the world does it to his children. You are just 22 years old, and your experience is twice your age Sultan. But, I feel sorry for one thing about your father. That the child on whom he feels proud, he loves so much, is punishing himself for those sins that he has never committed. Never smiles, never feels happy, and Only remembers his father in loneliness. I feel very bad for your father that wherever he is, he must cry a lot seeing you suffer. But, he can't come back even if he wants to. But, you can ease his suffering, release them, and lessen his pain. I will support you, till the last breath of mine, in everything. In your pain or bad times, always can not see yourself in pain anymore. Now you are not the only Aashiq Sultan, you are also my husband and I love you immensely, with your smile I smile, and with your tears, I feel my eyes wet. Seeing your agony, I break down. If not for yourself, then you should not cry for at least me, for your father, remember him in your happiness or let him also laugh to see his son happy. He would have wanted this even if he was alive.
~ Your Begum, Ruhani"
I put the pen down and gulped nervously rolling it.
By the time I finished it, my breakfast arrived. I did not want to wake him up. He was sleeping so patiently after so long. So, decided to eat without him.
I took my breakfast plate from her hand and smile with thanks. And, I suddenly asked her in signals about Nagina.
I looked at Shaheen and she spoke slowly.
"I do not know about her Begum. The last time I saw her was with a maid in the servant Quarters last night,"
I nodded and asked her to send her to me if she sees her.
She agreed and I decided to eat while looking at his beautiful face. I took my breakfast to my side of the bed. I kept it carefully in front of me, crossing my legs to feel comfortable.
His long lashes rested peacefully and I chewed my food with a smile.
Suddenly, he shifted a little inhaling a deep breath. And, turned his body back on his back. My eyes stole each of his movements and my hands themselves worked on feeding me.
I grabbed another bite of food and I saw his slowly opening his eyes, adjusting to the brightness in the chamber. And, then looking at me.
"Someone is hungry after a workout,"
He commented and I almost choked on my food.
He chuckled and turned on his side, putting his elbow under his head to give support and look at me even more widely.
"What are you eating?"
He asked and I stopped my light coughing. I tried to signal him and he thinned his eyebrows.
"Fruits and veg curry?"
I nodded immediately and wondered how could he guess so right. But, the plate was also in front of him too.
I gave him an Ahh-so-smart look and he chuckled again.
He kept looking at me until I finished the last bite of chopped watermelon and then stood up to keep the plate on the table and wash my hands.
"Finished?"
He asked as I walk away from the bed.
I nodded putting the plate back on the table and washed my hand in the small pot. Rubbing them dry with the dry towel and I looked at him straightening himself a little.
"Are you hurt?"
He asked with a stiff face and I gulped hiding my smile.
Shaking my head slightly I signaled to ask if he was hurt.
He chuckled lightly and muttered.
"Yes, I am definitely hurt,"
It made me chuckle too. The way he teased me.
"Come here,"
He said lazily patting the bed beside him and I lowered my gaze just for a moment as the visuals of last night crossed my brain.
Slowly walking I moved closer to the bed but then he suddenly spoke.
"Bring pen and paper too,"
I thinned my eyebrows as he was clearly trying to irritate me with a playful mood again.
I ignored his playful order and sat beside him. His face changed into a little confused with my disobedience and he asked.
"Ruhani, pen and paper please,"
He asked almost begging and I could see how lazy he was looking.
I shook my head and signaled to ask him to serve himself.
"It is a lazy day and I do not want to leave the bed,"
He said like a five-year-old kid and I gritted my teeth signaling he had to freshen up first.
"No, I'd rather stay in bed and talk to you,"
Okay, he wanted to talk but it was an important day for him. And, he needed to freshen up and remember his father for good. Though I knew he was missing his father already but getting freshen up was important.
I shook my face slowly and he sighed.
"Fine,"
He said throwing tossing the comforter aside and looking at me.
"You dare move from here until I come back and I will marry Ra..."
He stopped with a smile as if he remembered something and then finished slowly.
"Rabbit,"
I smiled and waited until he came back after freshening up, taking bath, and having a few fruits quickly.
He threw a pen, closed ink bottle, and thick bonded sheets in front of me and then sat.
"A Game,"
He said sitting beside me and adjusting.
My eyes sparked up looking at him in the pure white kurta and his slightly wet hair falling on his forehead. He pulled his full sleeves a little up and then looked at me.
"Handsome?"
I nodded as I was pretty amazed.
"Not more than you,"
He muttered and I blushed with his teasing.
"So,"
He started taking the paper, keeping it in his lap.
"So, we will play a game,"
I quickly took the ink bottle before he could and signaled that we could not play a game.
His smile vanished a little and I snatched the paper from his lap. Opening the bottle of ink and dipping the feather pen into it, I quickly wrote.
'You should not be playing games with me today. It is an important day,'
I forwarded him the page and he read it.
He lifted his gaze off the page and look at me.
"So, you want me to celebrate my father's death day the way I always did? Getting myself drunk until I pass out and cry alone. I do not think you will love the idea of seeing your husband in such a condition, especially a day after he... bedded you,"
He said in a slow voice, pain clearly available on his face.
I turned wordless for a few moments and then my head slowly shook accepting that I did not want to get drunk and cry alone.
And, yes especially the day after we made love.
"And, also I do not think my father would like me hurting you even a bit,"
He finished with a smile and I blinked nervously at the mention of his father.
"Come closer,"
He said patting the beside and I did.
I sat beside him and he shifted lower keeping his head on my shoulder.
"And, I want to make his soul feel peaceful seeing us happy together. I used to cry alone because I was ALONE. But, now a heart is connected to mine so whatever pain I would feel, I have to see it on your face too. And, I do not want to see my Mehram sad even for a moment,"
He said and I realized he just said what I exactly wanted and he kissed the back of my hand.
"Are you sure you are not hurt?"
He asked looking upward from my shoulder. I nodded lightly and he muttered.
"I mean sore or anything? I am sure, I can make you feel better, I promise,"
I laughed immediately hearing the later words. I remembered what happened after those words yesterday. And, he also chuckled.
"See, you are not taking me serious, Ruhani,"
I laughed, even more, even making my cheeks hurt.
"Okay, no more making you feel better,"
He commented and took the paper from my lap into his. I slowed down my laughter and he asked.
"Game now?"
He asked and I finally nodded.
But, he stopped and then looked at me with those intense eyes.
"It hurt?"
His voice was slow and serious now.
I gulped and nodded my head lightly breaking the gaze with blinks.
"A lot?"
I shook my head lightly and he muttered.
"I could see it in your eyes all the time but then your body speaking to me in contrast,"
I felt immensely timid hearing him and he turned his gaze off my face to not make me feel more.
"You know, I always wondered why you? I mean what did my father know about you that he was so sure that you would make the best wife for me? But, now meeting you, and knowing you which I still do, is making me believe that maybe you were the best one I could ask for myself. You understand me even more than me, you are always there when I feel broken. And--and last night, when we were so close I saw the trust you have in me. And, it made me feel horrible to think about what happened on our wedding night. I thought and thought about it deeply when you left me alone in the garden. From the start, before you, and after you. And, not once I found myself alone, broken after you came into my life. Before the marriage, I used to think if I would ever let you step into my shell or if you would ever try to look beyond my name as a Sultan. I used to think if you were not the kind of person my father wanted for me. Because fifteen years changed me drastically and I thought, it could have changed you too. But, you are even more than I thought you would be. And, I could not stop myself from accepting the love I always had for you. The deep, intimate connection was always there if we did not meet even once in those fifteen years. The promise that you kept safe and the feelings you grew deeper with time. And, I want to know that the feeling is ... mutual, Ruhani. It had always been mutual,"
He spoke and then lifted his gaze back to me.
"I love you, Ruhani. I have always loved you but..."
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