It's another Saturday and I'm here waiting for Zhan ge. I wonder what happened to Cheng; I haven't heard from him since he came to see me. But I'm not giving up hope. I'm in a foul mood today. Zhan ge has never regretted taking my place in prison and it is eating me up. I just want him to talk about it.
Wang, Zhan ge called me as he usually does. He sits on the chair opposite me, with his emotionless face, and I wonder what happened.
Zhan ge. I smiled at him, but he didn't return my smile. It got me worried.
"Why is this every Saturday again?." he asks.
"You'd rather be in your cell?" I asked, stretching my hand to hold him, but he just stared at it. Something definitely happened.
"Honestly, I guess it doesn't matter. It's all equally bullshit." I don't care. Zhan ge answers.
"You don't ?" I question, leaning into the table with my hands folded. This is the first time in 5 years plus he didn't hold my hand.
Zhan ge gives a slight, but noticeable eye roll. "Yeah, that you're there doing that, and I'm here doing this." my Zhan ge doesn't sound like this.
"Sitting? We're both sitting?" I know what Zhan ge means, I do, I just want him to say it out loud. To face it. "Why does it bother you so much?"
"It doesn't." he shrugs.
"Clearly it does, why don't you talk about
it?
"Why should I?" Zhan ge pushes back.
"You said you don't care, right? So it doesn't matter, you have nothing to lose, literally." I know it wasn't the nicest thing to say, but I still think it'll work.
Zhan ge looked at me with contemplation in his eyes. I know that I pushed a certain button on Zhan ge. One I didn't want to push.
Why did you say it was you and not me? I asked.
I don't know what you mean. He said coldly.
"Yeah, I thought so too," . "None of that is going to change. You can either sit and let it eat you up, or you can let it go." I said.
Zhan ge looks at me with pure annoyance. He's not liking what am saying, it's clear, but of course, he wouldn't acknowledge that. Maybe he doesn't even realize why I'm annoyed in the first place.
"I don't want to cross any lines, Zhan ge, but there's no way it doesn't eat you up inside. You're in prison for a crime you didn't commit, and you're sentenced to death, and you're miserable. Your life fucking sucks and you're broken inside." I can see Zhan ge visibly tense up.
"Stop," he says through his teeth, his breathing becoming heavier.
"Zhan ge, it's your life, do what you want, but at least be honest with yourself," "Don't you regret being here while I'm out there wrapped in someone's arm?" I know I should stop but the words just keep coming out of my mouth. "Don't you regret meeting me?" "Don't you wish you never saw me that faithful morning? " Part of me is scared but the other part of me is fearless.
"I said stop!" Zhan ge stands up, his chair loudly sliding back as he does so, and he slams his hands on the table. There's fire in his eyes and I can feel the anger pour out of him. "Shut the fuck up!. You can't just walk in here and act like you know me. You don't!" he screams at me.
I was genuinely shocked, it was not what I expected Zhan ge to do. Maybe I underestimated him.
I swallow, trying to stay calm. "Zhan ge, please sit down."
"Don't tell me what to fucking do!" He shouts, slamming his hands on the table, causing me to flinch.
"Zhan ge-" plea...Before I could finish, two guards walk up to him, cuffing Zhan ge's hands behind his back and dragging him out of the room, leaving me sitting in my chair, frozen.
After a few seconds, Mr. Lee walks in. "What happened?" he asked.
"Nothing, it's my fault, he shouldn't get in trouble." I cried.
"What happened, Wang?" he repeated
I shake my head and close my eyes, then look at the guard. "I said things that were too personal and mean for him to hear right now. I shouldn't have. His reaction was justified." I explained.
"Did he hurt you?"
"Not at all. He didn't try to either. Please don't punish him," I say, standing up and walking over to Mr. Lee
"I'll see what I can do. You should go," he said.
"I am not leaving, our time is not over"
"Wang".
"Please, I can't go"
Let me see what I can do.
Thank you. Mr. Lee, I mouthed.
After a few minutes, Mr. Lee walked through the door alone.
Wang, sorry you can't see Zhan now, he is in solitary confinement. We don't condone such behavior and not in front of other families. I'm sorry he said and walked away.
I said mean things to him now he is in solitary because of my stupid behavior. I regretted my action immediately. I just wanted him to talk about it. His life will be over in less than six months and he is acting like everything is fine and it shattering my soul.
A feeling of lightheadedness and nausea took over and I felt like I'd pass out in a few moments. My eyes darted all over; desperately searching for a way to relieve my body from this miserable feeling. I held my fingers against my temples and gently massaged them. One deep breath followed by another, surely this pain could be ignored if I tried. Fighting through the pain was becoming increasingly difficult, but above all else, it became increasingly annoying to have to deal with. Maybe giving up was the right choice. My legs gave out from under me and I dropped to the floor. Perhaps I won't wake up ever again.
I don't know how long I was out, but I woke up in the hospital feeling nauseous.
Wang, I heard my name. When I turn in the direction of the voice, I saw Mr. Lee from prison.
Omg, I'm so sorry. I mumbled.
It's okay, I'm glad you are awake. He smiled at me.
How long was I out? My voice sounded coarse and my throat hurt.
"5 hours."
"I'm so sorry," I'll take care of myself you can go now. I mumbled and tried to sit up. He helped me sit up.
Thank you. I appreciate this. Thanks for all you do.
You're welcome. He paused for a moment before he continued. I'm sorry Wang, I don't mean to pry but you should stop cutting. Mr. Lee said.
What? I was taken aback by his question.
I saw the marks on your wrists and ankles when we were on our way to the hospital. You got angry at Zhan for not opening up but you bottle a lot of things too. That's not nice. "You are been a hypocrite". I see how he struggles every day and the only time I see him genuinely smile is when you are around.
I don't know what you want him to say but the way you went about it was wrong. He has been in maximum prison for three and a half years I have never seen him cry before but he did today and it made me sad.
Mr. Lee, I was the one that was supposed to be in prison and not him. He never talks about it, and it's killing me. Cutting was the only way to punish myself for letting it happen in the first place. I didn't know he was going to react differently. I thought maybe if he gets angry it'll make him talk. I have always been selfish and want things to go my way, I should have considered his feelings too. I said. I couldn't control the tears.
Wang, maybe you don't know this but Zhan did it because he loves you. He talks about you all the time. Mr. Lee said.
How long will he be in solitary confinement?
I don't know, but I will find out when I go tomorrow. I will let you know. He said and stood up. I will take my leave now. Take care of yourself, Wang. He squeezed my shoulder and left. But he turns before he opens the door. "Oh, before I forget, your taxi is outside, he said he will wait till you're ready to leave."
Okay, thank you very much. I smiled and he shut the door behind him.
A few minutes later, the doctor and a nurse walked in.
Mr. Wang, glad you're awake, He pulls the chair beside the bed and sat down. Now, I want you to be very careful, I don't know what happened, but you almost had a heart attack. You are fatigued and you are underweight for your age. We will observe you till tomorrow. He said and left.
Someone walked in with food, God I hate hospital food. But I took a few bites and the nurse handed me a few pills to swallow before they left.
I picked up my phone and called my cabbie, "Mr. Han you can leave and come and pick me up tomorrow afternoon" thank you for staying. I ended the call.
"This is going to be a long night."
I must have slept through the night. For the first time in three years am sleeping without the help of alcohol. I felt better but thinking of Zhan ge being in solitary confinement made me feel sick in my stomach. I checked my phone for calls from the prison but no missed calls from anyone. "I miss those days I will wake up next to Zhan ge but he will also send me messages."
I feel so ungrateful for all the sacrifices he has done for me. I was deep in thought when I heard my name sound from a distance.
Mr. Wang, good morning. The doctor greeted me.
Good morning, I mumbled.
He checked my blood pressure, checked my heart rate. Oh, all good. Guess the sleep helped calmed your nerves. The Dr. Said.
I guess. I mumbled again.
We will run a blood test and if everything is good. You can leave in the afternoon. "Do you have anyone you need us to call?" he asked as the nurse draws blood out of my veins.
"No." no one. I said.
Okay, make sure you eat well and take your medication. He said and left.
A middle-aged woman walked in a moment later with food. I took a few bites and the nurse handed me a couple of pills to take, I swallowed and she left.
I lay in bed quietly reminiscing about the good memory I had of Zhan ge before I dozed off.