21:
Author's Note: Ian's point of view is still a bit odd to me. I just try to imagine how Ian would feel and what he'd say. I can only hope this is accurate enough. ^_^
Also remember that this is the continuation after Ian sexually violated Ava.
Ian's P.O.V.
Once I finish cleaning her up, I put her to bed before starting on our room. No one needs to see the blood and mess I've made. No one needs to ask questions. Those are the very thoughts occupying my mind because that is what Martin would drill into my head.
Questions demand answers. Answers demand accountability. Simple as that.
After making sure everything is spotless, I slide into bed. With my arm draped over her waist, I listen to her cry for the next few hours. Small sniffles and heavy breathing fill my ears with sadness, while muffled whispers fill my heart with worry. So like a concerned fiance, I open my eyes to meet hers.
She doesn't look at me. Instead she continues crying and mumbling softly. She whispers the word 'sorry' repeatedly until I shush her; trying to console her. I tell her everything will be alright and that this is not her fault, but mine alone.
This only stirs more uneasiness in her because not only do I have to hear more of her tears but watch them as well. My dull irises watch her soul cry out. Fright-filled flinches from my soft touch only heighten my concern for her. Why is she flinching from me? Am I really that dangerous?
"I'm...I'm so sorry!" She cries out; louder and more heartfelt this time. As if she is calling out to someone.
By this time her body is upright, facing straight ahead. While her knees rise to her chest I take the opportunity to sit up as well. She begins a steady rock and all I can do is sit quietly; allowing her despair to stain my mind and pierce my heart with regret.
After tortured silence and feeling my pride rip apart from me, I finally decide to speak.
"I'm here for you, okay?" My hands go up to try to embrace her but she scoots away.
I don't know what's worse. Not being allowed to hear my angel's voice. Or, not being allowed to feel her velvet touch.
"I'd rather you not be," She sneers unhappily.
My eyes lower in sadness but I don't say anything. I mean even if I could fully speak to her what would I say? She has every right to be angry at me. I know what I did was wrong, and at this rate nothing I do can make it right. I took her control from her in order to gain control over her. Why do I even listen to Elaine?
"I'd rather you go fuck yourself, okay?" She continues harshly. Her unpleasant words make my fingers ball into fists. I want to stop her from talking like that to me. But I also know that I'd make things ten times worse if I reacted in anger. So instead of punching, I'm going to try apologizing.
"Look Ava. You're one of the most important people in my life and you have no idea who you are or what you mean to me," I exhale slowly, dancing over my words carefully. I should continue but her reaction stops me.
My curious eyes focus on her frigid body. From her body language, she is trying to allow everything I say to sink in. But then, there is a thick silence. That alone tells me to tread carefully.
"Ava?" Once again my calm voice echoes over the still room, willing her to hear me out. And even willing myself to stay composed. I need to say and do any and everything to make it up to her.
She peers at me for a moment before swallowing heavily. From there she stands up.
"Listen to me," I demand sternly. The rise of my voice startles her but she never turns to me.
An unearthly beauty, drenched in an over-saturated poison I've created. She hiccups again before covering her mouth. The next few things happen in such quickness that by the time I realize what she is doing it's already too late.
The bathroom door slams as soon as I get to it.
"Ava! Open up!" I jiggle the knob, trying my damndest from kicking the door down. If I do then I'd risk waking Danny up. His room is across from ours so he'd be able to hear us.
I hear loud coughing before a series of intense vomiting seizes my ears.
Oh shit. This is just like the many times my mom would lock herself in the bathroom. It would always happen right after she and Martin had a fight. My prick of a father would leave me to clean up his mess. He'd leave me alone to talk my mom out of blaming or harming herself. Every single fucking time he'd beat her close to unconsciousness I would bang on the door until she woke up. Some nights were spent with me and my mom hiding in the bathroom until morning. Until we knew Martin was gone.
"Ava?" With my palm against the door and my ear pressed to it, I listen for any noises. Because silence is dangerous, I listen for the opposite. Any noise is a sign of good news.
Loud crashes and shouts of rage shake the room as well as the door. I remain stoic, remembering that I am the cause of this. If not for my persistent need for control, this wouldn't have happened. Ava wouldn't be upset and neither would I.
She continues screaming and throwing things until the bright rays of sunlight shine on the bed. The rest of the room remains hidden in the shadows of early morning. Early morning. That has always been my favorite time of day. Early morning means another day; another chance to start over.
For the next half hour, I'm left with silence. Left with an echoing reminder of how shitty of a person I truly am. And despite how awful I feel about myself, I still can't help feeling worse for my Ava. I'm worried about her but there is nothing I can do to help her right now. If I yell or break the door down then I risk waking our son. If I wait patiently then— who the hell am I kidding? Patience was never my thing.
"Open this fucking door now!"
My entire body leans forward as the door swings open. I nearly fall on her but she steadies me.
"Thanks," I mumble with shame.
She nods before tugging on her shirt nervously. At first I assume it's because my gaze makes her uncomfortable but then, I see her tug some more. My eyes shift to the area she is trying to hide. Her mid section.
"Are you pregnant?" I frown with concern.
"No," Is all she says. It is said so quickly and with so plainly that I know she is lying.
"How far are you?"
"Stop doing that," she demands with irritation.
"I'm not doing anything. You're the one who lied to me," I smirk teasingly.
"Can you just leave me alone? That's all I ask for." She sighs loudly, indicating her annoyance with me.
"If you're pregnant you can tell me. I mean I only wanted one kid but now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind two," I beam proudly. This is no mistake. Just another chance for me to redeem myself. I won't fail our children. We'll be the perfect family. The one family Elaine and Martin could be proud of me for creating.
"I'm not pregnant! What don't you understand? I can't have anymore kids and if by some chance I could, I'd never have yours again,"
A wrathful heat invades my veins and without realizing my hand lifts up. But before I can do anything else, she grabs my hand. Our eyes remain entranced as she interlocks her fingers in mine.
"Now think," she orders placidly. The calmness is her tone is enough to tame every wild vein in me.
I inhale then exhale slowly. It feels as though a weight has been lifted because I'm able to stop and think. Why did I try to hit her again? Haven't I learned enough from my dad? I shouldn't have to resort to violence to get my point across. Not with Ava, at least.
"You better?" She smiles at me, making my heart stop. I don't even stop to think how forced it could be.
I need her and she needs me just as much. Now, with the help of counseling or some God sent miracle I'm hoping I can keep my temper under control long enough to make things right between us.
"I'm really trying to be. I just need-"
"To stop pretending." She reaches out to touch my cheek. The stretch must have hurt because she makes a small grimace in the process. I can tell she's in pain from my earlier behavior. But when I stare deeper into the pit of her earth toned eyes I find something more than anger. Something deeper. Something that scares me as much as her.
"Stop pretending that we both love each other and you're the perfect father to Danny. Just stop acting like you're a gentleman one minute, only to smack me around the next." She huffs angrily. My bewildered green eyes pace along with her. Going from the window back to the bed.
"You think I pretend to love you and Danny?" I ask in complete disbelief. No one understands how deeply I care about my family. No one will ever understand how hard I've fought to bring us together. I've endured torturous ordeals in order to get out sooner. Terrible memories of the Psych Ward still haunt me til this day.
"Never mind Ian." She whispers sadly. " I need to go get Danny ready for his last day,"
As a reaction to her impending frustration, I casually trace my hands over my tired face. We can't accomplish anything if we keep going avoiding the issues. So I make a quick decision to tell her what's on my mind.
"Just be so good to me that you become the good in me." By this time I've made it over to her. My hands grasp her arms in a way that makes her tense up. I notice but I don't move them.
"I can change. Believe me I can." My fingertips squeeze her arms to emphasize my solemnity. "I just need to get away." I admit sadly.
Sometimes I feel like my dad failed me. Which is all the more reason why I can't fail Danny. I can't fail myself. I can blame everyone; my father, my step mother and even myself but what would that solve? I mean it's easy to blame yourself when you've been your own worst enemy since age ten. It's easy to lay floating complacently in your own ocean of sin. Tears are no different than rain to someone like me.
"Then do that, okay?" She rests her hands on my cheeks, in an attempt to get me to look at her. "If you need to get away from everyone and everything then do that."
I get the feeling it's meant more so for her than me. As if she wants an opportunity to get away just as bad as I do. But little does she know, her and Danny are going wherever I go.
"Let's do it then," I say just as my eyes finally greet hers.
The expressions of confusion and suspicion reside on her gorgeous face. While the expressions of honesty and intrigue reside on mine. I have a plan. A plan she is not aware of. She has no idea where I plan on taking her and Danny. She has no idea I plan on isolating them to keep them safe.
—**—
Vote, comment, fan! Or I'll stalk you until you do xD (jk, jk, jk! I'm the worst stalker, I swear. I struggle with directions so I'd probably get lost on my way to your house. )
**Note: Sorry for my absence. I've been suffering from a high amount of stress, writer's block and anxiety.
Anyways, I hope you liked it. What do you guys think now that you've had sort of an insight to Ian's thoughts.
Do you believe he is being honest? Do you believe he wants to change but doesn't know how? That maybe he sees his father in himself— (a father he constantly seeks approval from) which in turn, makes it more difficult for him to change?
And what about Ava? She's dealing with a lot too. The mere fact that she was able to stop him from hitting her says a lot. Notice how this time she didn't cower from him. She simply grabbed his hand. That speaks volumes, don't you think?
If you have anymore questions or points to address leave 'em in the comments. Your opinions are most definitely welcomed. :D