It's another Saturday and I'm just sitting here waiting to see Zhan ge. Six months is all that's left and it hurt me to my bones.
"Wang," Zhan whispered my name, walking over to the chair opposite me.
"Zhan ge."
"How are you?" he asks, stretching his hand to me as he sits down.
I'm good. You?
He gives me a look. "How do you think I am?"
"Right," I say, earning a stare from him that makes my heartbeat speed up.
I see a counselor three times a week. It wasn't easy; we have gone nowhere, just the basics but I guess it's a start. Zhan says while drawing a circle on my palm.
My stomach did flips. Really? You did? Thank you, Zhan. I smile genuinely.
"Haven't seen you smile like this in a while. ".He teases.
To be honest, I haven't smiled like that in 5 years. I mumbled.
"I know" Zhan ge squeezes my hand a little tighter and it felt good. I wanted to talk about the kiss so bad and how I feel about him but I'm scared. What if he does not have feelings for me? What if he thought it was just a stupid kiss base on impulse? What if he loves me too? I decided I will wait for him to bring it up and if he doesn't, then he does not have feelings for me.
"So, um, I should probably get to know you," I mumbled.
"Get to know me?" he asks, sounding surprised.
"Yeah, I want to know more."
"Why do you care?" Zhan ge asks, almost as if it's odd to him that I am interested in him.
"Because I want to know you better. I want to help you."
"What exactly makes you think I need help?" Zhan ge asks, sitting up in his chair and leaning forward a little.
I shift in my seat, licking my lips and swallowing. "May-maybe you don't. Either way, we still have to talk right?"
"No. We don't have to."
"Zhan ge.., " I plead, as Zhan ge slouches back in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest.
"Red, black, green, white, and gold are my favorite colors.."I raise my eyebrows.
"Oh, okay. I think my favorite is tied between black and white."
"Black?"
"Is there something wrong with black?" Zhan ge asks.
"No one ever says black."
Zhan ge shrugs. "Guess I'm special then."
I gave him a small smile and a shake of head. "Yeah, guess so."
"Favorite song?" I ask, thinking of my own in my head.
"Don't know, I've been out of the real world for five and a half years so I'm not quite caught up on what the new ones are."
"It doesn't have to be new." I pull his index finger.
"Uh, I love all Stefanie Sun albums."
"I like that one. Currently, mine are Big Bang, Kendrick Lamar, Chris Brown, Rihanna, A$AP, Kanye West, Beyonce, and Eason Chen. They're so fucking awesome."
"You're a fan?" Zhan ge asks, as if he's shocked by my answer.
"Oh yeah, for sure."
"Oh. I miss music. He mumbles.
I give Zhan ge a sympathetic look. "Iwould too if I was locked into this dead place.
Tell me about your family?" I ask.
Zhan ge was quiet for a moment and I wonder if maybe it wasn't the right question to ask but then responds.
"Okay, I... Uhmm... I have a sister who is my only sibling."
"Do you want to tell me about her?"
He shakes his head. "No, she uh, she probably doesn't even know she has a big brother and I don't think I can recognize her even if she's standing in front of me."
"Why?" I couldn't help but ask.
"My mom left with her when she dropped me off at the orphanage, she was 3 years and six months old then, she's 22 years old. it's better that way. Same with my mom." they don't have to mourn when am "gone in six months."
I nod, my heart breaking for Zhan ge more and more. I get it though, it probably is much easier that way.
"What is your sister's name?"
"Cara," I can tell he's starting to lose interest.
"Are you single?" Zhan ge asks out of the blue.
"My head perks up and I furrow my eyebrows."
"What?"
"Are you single?" He repeats.
I just look at him for a moment, as if he's trying to figure me out. "Yeah..."
I nod. "Have you ever been in a relationship?" he asks again.
I tense up a bit, my shoulders slightly rising to my ears, and my arms tightening in their folded position. "No."
"What, why?." you're 23 Wang. You should date.
I start bouncing my leg under the table and I guess Zhan ge figures this topic must be something that causes me anxiety.
"You don't have to tell me. I don't want to push you." he whispers.
I look up once again lingering on his eyes, staring so deeply and then I look away.
I was quiet for a moment, the silence building a certain tension between us.
"He." I... I don't... Know... If he feels the same about me. I mumbled the last part.
He slightly tilts his head to the side and scrunches his eyebrows together.
"He, what is he like?" Zhan ge says again.
"Oh, he is the best anyone could be with" I answer genuinely.
Zhan ge just nods, so why haven't you told him how you feel?
I uh, just forget I said that."
Zhan ge smiles. Well, let me advise you as your big brother. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, you never can tell, but if he does not love you, well his loss. "Because you are a great guy."
My eyes soften just a little, Zhan ge watches as I visibly relax in my seat.
"Oh." okay, I will try and talk to him about how I feel. My stomach was doing flips.
"Am I a bad person?" Zhan ge asks.
"What? No, never. You are the sweetest of them all. I held his hand and squeeze it.
"Amanda thought I was a bad person. She treated me like a murderer."
"You are not a bad person, we all know you're not a murderer. You deserve respect and kindness. You've never done anything wrong to me or anyone. from what I know, you've never done anything wrong to anyone in here.
"I've been in fights."
"So have I. Am I a bad person?"
"No," Zhan ge says right away.
"Exactly. Can you please stop seeing her? " I hate to see you been accused and treated wrongly. I couldn't help the tears."Prison isn't the place for you." Zhan ge. I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry Wang. He stares into my eyes. "You care too much; you have hope for people like me."
"Why is that bad?"
"Because you'll realize there isn't any, and it'll break you, and you don't deserve to be
broken. Zhan ge mumbled.
"Your time is up." the guard came and cuff Zhan ge away.
"It kills me every time I see him like that." I walk out of the prison and into the cab.
Zhan ge has a heart, he has emotions, I know this for sure. I lived with him for seven years and he never got angry or wronged anyone. Never yelled at me or said any mean thing to me. He treated me like himself. Took care of me when my father abandoned me. Went to prison because of me.
"Please take me home," I mumbled to the driver.
When I got home, I walked straight to the bathroom stripping my clothes from the room. I removed the contact lens I wore, washed off the concealer, washed my hair, and scrubbed my body. Hoping I will scrub the pain away.
"I looked into the mirror" My heart felt heavy, I feel suffocated. This cruel, sickening pain had been with me for years and it showed. My cheekbones had sunken, darkness circled my eyes and my once bright eyes were dull and lifeless. It was exhausting and the pain took its toll on me.
Tired, but unable to sleep and unable to stop it. I sit on the bed and gently rubbed my temple. I bought out the small box beside the bed and started cutting my wrist with eyes staring at my hands, trying to figure out a way to relieve myself of this pain. It was difficult to focus between the moments of pain and the voices of Zhan ge telling me to stop what am doing, but I pressed onward.
But unwilling to keep fighting I lay in bed and ready to sleep, a good rest would surely get rid of the pain. Now if only I was able to fall asleep. I sat back up, picked up the blade, and made deep long cuts on my legs I felt fuzzy, and everything went dark.