Chapter 35: The Decision
Victoria Abbel's Point of View
Napatigil ako dahil sa sinabi ni Nikos.
"You're losing your sense of reality that's why you can't see your Dad not until now. You refused to see the image of your dad in your brain. And everyone knows what you've done. You are a slave of your emotions and imagination, Victoria. That's what makes you think that the world is always against you." I am not even aware of myself. Oh, God, what else do I need to know? And I can feel my body hurting inside. The emotions are just too overwhelming.
"But we're here not to blame you for it, we're actually here to help you. We are all worried. At sa tingin ko ay dapat na natin itong aksiyonan. Masyado na kaming maraming pinalipas na taon bago sabihin ito sa'yo. We thought it would be the best if we didn't do anything about it and let you continue your life in the dark. But not anymore." It only mean that I'm sick since then. I felt numb. Hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman ngayon. Hearing Nikos right now turns my crying into sobs.
"I'm sorry,"
"Don't be sorry, Tori."
"Psychotic depression, huh?" How can an individual handle such heavy revelation? As if the image of my dad leaving our family inside my head is not enough? Is it true that I am making my own reality? Kahit ngayon ay nahihirapan na akong malaman kung ano ang totoo sa hindi. I suddenly felt confused. I tried to breathe deeply as possible, and since we were inside the car, I felt so uncomfortable.
"Should we get outside?" Nikos must see how uncomfortable I am right now. But I shook my head. I don't want to leave inside just yet. I'm not ready.
"Nikos, I don't know what to do."
"Of course. No one actually knows what to do. People who are suffering from it don't even know that they have psychotic depression."
"I think it's best to accept it, first. Accept that we have all darkness inside each of us and sometimes we lose control of it. And you don't have to be ashamed of it, Tori." Hindi namin namalayan ni Nikos na nasa loob na pala si Hiro. We're too preoccupied with our conversation and we aren't even aware that Hiro has been back inside the car. Kaya naman napatingin ako sa back seat.
"And you'll take an action to be better. With the help of professionals, of course." The idea of talking to other people made me panic. I don't think I can do that. It's too much for me to handle.
"Then, you will take your time to heal."
"But," bumaling ang atensiyon naming dalawa ni Hiro kay Nikos.
"We're giving you the right to choose and decide for that matter, Tori. It's up to you for making a healthy choice that is not only good for your body but as well as your mind. If you want help from a professional, Kalev can provide you with one."
"It's scary."
"It is," Hiro said because Nikos become silent all of the sudden.
"But you're not alone." Hiro gave me an assuring smile. And now, I keep on thinking about what they've said. I still don't know how to feel about having psychotic depression. That word just seems so heavy to take. And it's actually nice that they're not forcing me to do it. Nikos shot me an apologetic stare but he shook his head.
"And about Trevor..." My hand started to tremble again because Nikos opened the topic about him. I was too focused on Trevor that I forgot that I have my own life to live. I almost cried again.
When did everything go wrong? I wonder.
"I know he's scared of me." Inaalala ko kung ano ang pinagusapan namin. I clearly remember him telling me that I scared him. But he didn't elaborate it further because he wanted to wait for the concert. Is this what he wants to tell me? Kung ito lang din pala ang sasabihin niya ay bakit pa niya gustong patagalin?
"He was the one who convinced me that I should tell you already. That's why I'm here. We're all here. Pero hindi ko naman inaasahan na ganito na ang aming aabutan." Napatango ako nang dahan-dahan sa sinabi ni Nikos.
"I don't know if I should tell you this." Ramdam ko ang pagaalinlangan sa boses ni Nikos. Pero wala na rin siyang nagawa.
"Trevor has a hard time with social interaction and communication. While you're naturally outgoing, you always compromise his personal space. Don't you know how important their personal space is for people like Trevor? They value it as if it's their life!" Napahawak na lang ako sa aking bibig at napailing. I did that to him?
"I didn't know about that." The horror on my face tells everything that I'm too much. No, I didn't know that Trevor have difficulty in that areas. And here I am thinking that my love for him is supposed to be cute! I'm really crazy, huh? My delusions are far from reach.
"Is that why he kept on hurting me? So he can get even for compromising his personal space?" Nikos shook his head.
"Despite Trevor being like that, Tori. He's a sadist. He's taking pleasure for always hurting you." What else should I know? I cried. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa sinabi ni Nikos. Trevor being a sadist didn't even occur to my mind. But then, I don't even know which is heavier. Me having psychotic depression or Trevor being a sadist? I felt drained and deflated. My chest rises and lowers, I tried catching my breath. All along I thought I knew Trevor, but I didn't. Maybe, what I know about Trevor is the idea I made inside my head. And when he turns out different from the way I perceived him, I blame him for hurting me.
"Trevor has been my salvation since then, Nikos. You know that." My heart ached with so many unsaid emotions.
"I know. I've witnessed it all." He whispered.
"That's why you must face the reality Tori." Hinawakan ni Nikos ang balikat ko at pinisil ito nang madahan.
"Stop depending your life on other people as if you're just living for them. Live for yourself." But how? I wanted to ask but I stop myself. All along I am living for him.
I don't know how many minutes we stayed in the car.
"Don't you think this is the right time for it?" Basag ni Hiro sa katahimikan.
"Right time for what?" I asked confused.
"To face your family," Hiro answered while looking outside. Kaya napatingin na rin ako sa labas. Even though the car is heavily tinted, I saw my father and brothers outside. Dad is pacing back and forth. Kalev is standing with Damien at his side. Cainn is sitting on the ground and Clevon is leaning on the gate.
"Don't ever think that they're mad at you, Tori. They're actually worried." May pagaalinlangan pa rin akong nararamdaman kaya hindi pa rin ako makalabas sa kotse.
"I felt sorry for my dad," I told them honestly, almost in a whisper. He taught me a lot when I used to be a kid. I know he loved me truly. But what did I do in return? I vanished him in my world. And I don't know how to react in front of Cainn. He looked traumatized when he's telling me what he witnessed. I can feel the pain in his voice.
"I don't know how to face him." For sure it will be awkward.
"Of course, you know. He's your father, Tori. And he will do everything for his daughter."
"He's actually outside the house waiting for you to get out of the car." Sinabi ni Hiro habang tumitingin sa labas. I looked at Nikos asking him what I should do. And then I remember what he told me earlier. I should own up to my actions and be a responsible adult.
Counting from one to three, I opened the car door and face my father. I saw my brother's startled face. Dad didn't say anything. All he did was spread his hands and my feet automatically moved on their own and run toward him. Parang kanina lang ay naiinggit ako sa pamilya ni Theo. All along I have had a loving family of my own.
"Dad," I hugged him tightly as he hugged my back. And we didn't say much, we both stayed in that kind of position while crying.
"I'm sorry,"
"Tori, thank you for finally recognizing me." His voice is calm and gentle.
"Thank you for not giving up on me."
"We'll take care of this. Hush now. We'll figure things out together. You're not alone anymore." And I never felt so good crying in his arms.
"Nikos told us that it's better if we moved back to the Philippines. Is it alright for you?" Oh God, when did Nikos becomes a legal consultant for this family? Nikos's words really have power. He can convince anyone he wants.
"How about mom?" I asked while looking inside the house. I don't think I can face her. My family is all suffering because of me!
"Doctors will take care of her there," Clevon said.
"It's better if you live with familiar faces, Tori." Rinig kong sabi ni Damien. And I couldn't agree more.
"Kelan tayo babalik?" I asked.
"As soon as possible. Maybe tomorrow or the following day." He answered.
"But," Pero agad kong naitikom ang bibig ko. Trevor's band will have their concert four days from now. And when they'll play, I'm probably on the airplane going back home.
"Never mind. Tomorrow or the following day it is." This time, I'll choose myself first. Clevon then clapped his hands.
"You really looked ugly when you cry, Tori." And I almost chuckled when Clevon said that.
"Shut up, Clevon," I muttered. And my smile widened as it grows and grows.
"May makakain ba dyan sa loob? God, I am famished." Walang pakundanan na sinabi ni Hiro.
"Let's go inside, kids. What are we even doing here outside?" And dad also chuckled. Si Hiro ang unang pumasok sa loob. Followed by Kalev, Clevon, and Cainn. Tumingin ako sa likod ni Cainn. I want to talk to him, but maybe not this night. Dad gave me a final look and smiled. They all entered inside. Habang si Damien naman ay naglakad palapit sa akin.
"I'm sorry, Tori. For always being mean to you. There were times that I blame you. We know that we shouldn't blame you for it. But my emotions always get the best of me." Damien looked over at me. Gone the sharp expression on his face. He put his hands at his nape and scratched them. Then, Damien looked away.
"As the older brother of yours, I failed you. And I'm sorry, I want to keep it up for you. We all do." I stayed quiet. Memories started to fill my head. The four of us laughing and playing with each other.
"This time, we will no longer turn our back on you, Tori. It's time to care." I almost scoff. We've been blaming each other for years. I smiled. And Damien is right, it's time to care. Sabay kaming pumasok sa loob at siya na mismo ang nagsara ng pinto. And when we both reach the dining area, we witnessed them eating and drinking coffee.
And suddenly, I missed my cousin Elizabeth. For which we're the only girls in the family full of men. And I couldn't wait to go back home.
I want to thank my cousins and my family for giving me a choice to decide for myself and for not telling me that this is just a phase in my life and it will soon pass. But we all knew that it will not unless I did something about it. I am not even aware of how problematic I am right now. Sobrang daming tao ang na apektuhan. And there's this voice inside me telling me that I should stop now.
I think I already wasted so much time always chasing Trevor. And that's been how I live my life since my teenage days. No, I don't think it's such a waste. Trevor has been my salvation and I am living for him. But this time, it will be different.
***