"Hey," Maya's voice breaks me out of my trance, and I look up from my book.
I smile to Maya, as she sits down on the couch in our break area next to me.
"How was your first sesh with the brain doc?" Maya asks me.
It's been about a week since my coffee date with Gemma, and Maya of course needed an instant play by play of the whole thing. She was extremely supportive of the idea of therapy when I brought it up, having seen a therapist herself before. She even helped me find a therapist quickly, and I'd had my first session yesterday.
I save my page before placing my book down, noticing Maya cringe as I fold the corner of my page to mark my spot.
"Let me buy you a book mark, PLEASE," She begs.
I shake my head.
"Books should be used," I taunt playfully, already knowing her stance on this.
As she rolls her eyes, I take a breath.
"Therapy was good, I think. We didn't really do much, I kind of just gave her my life story. Maybe she can help me write an autobiography after," I joke.
Maya smiles at me.
"Well, that's the annoying bit over. Until you need to find new therapists, and have to retell that story again and again even though they already have the notes," Maya complains.
I laugh.
"Hopefully I won't need to find another one for awhile. It was kind of good to share my story though, it's easy to forget how much we are made up of our experiences and the people we meet," I say thoughtfully.
"Do you have any homework?" Maya asks me.
I groan.
"She wants to know what I want to work on first, but honestly I don't know. I feel like I have too many issues to just pick one," I say.
"Maybe working on decision making?" Maya points out playfully.
A small nose scrunch is my only response.
"How is it going in the new house?" I ask her, subtly changing the subject.
Maya leans back into the couch, getting comfortable and I swear her eyes begin to shine.
"It's amazing," She says softly, "I've lived in a lot of houses before, with my parents being divorced and travelling for work. But, none of those houses felt like home the way sharing a house with Robert feels like home,"
You can see the peace in Mayas face as she talks about home with Robert, and my heart begins to buzz.
Seeing how happy my friends are with each other soothes the pain in my own love life, like a cool, healing cream applied over a raw wound. It's not instantly healed, but feels a little better.
As if summoned, Robert walks into the room, and leans over the couch behind Maya to give her a kiss.
"You look happy," Robert says to her, the love he has for her emanating from him.
"I am," Maya says, content.
Robert looks up at me, and I give him a smile.
"You're due on set again soon," He tells me.
I raise my eyebrows as I check the time, and realise I only have 10 minutes.
"Oh my god, how long was I reading for!" I exclaim as I gather up my things.
I thank Robert and say bye to Maya, before rushing off for my scene.
******
I walk onto set, which is set in the Family Video car park today, and stand next to Natalia. I resist the urge to brush my hair out of my face, after hair and makeup made it expertly disheveled.
I spy Joe walking towards us, and I give him a timid smile, my heart rushing with a flutter of beats as he smiles back. Today is the day that Steve declares his love for Kaya, and as much as I've convinced myself that I can handle this like a professional, I know hearing those words will sting.
"Hey," I say to him, quieter than I intended.
"Hey," He responds back, just as quietly.
The softness in his voice matches the softness in his eyes, and I have to focus on my breathing.
"Hey," Natalia says to both of us.
I look over at her, and laugh apologetically, realising we were ignoring her.
Shawn walks over to us, and gives us the directions for the scene. This is the first time we see each other after Steve had left to get Nancy with Dustin.
"Okay, you've got it?" He asks us.
We all nod, and walk over to our marks.
"Action!" Shawn shouts.
I am standing outside Family Video. I saw Steve and the others walking up the road from the top of the store, and rushed down to meet them.
They haven't noticed me yet, and I can see Steve talking to Nancy about something, the both of them laughing. A pang of jealousy courses through my body. What if they rekindled things out there?
Steve looks up, and notices me. A look of relief seems to wash over his face, followed by a grin. My heart warms, and my jealousy is forgotten.
Steve touches Nancy's arm, then says something as he nods towards me. She gives him a nod, and he's facing me again, when he suddenly launches into a run.
I smile as he pulls me into a tight hug, lifting me off my feet.
"Kaya," He whispers into my ear.
"Steve," I whisper back, nuzzling my face into his shoulder.
Steve pulls back and inspects my face. He rubs dirt off of my cheek, and brushes my hair out of my face. My skin tingles at his touch.
"We only got back about an hour ago," I explain.
"You're beautiful," Steve says, before embracing me again.
I missed him too, but there's something about the way he's clinging to me that makes me worry.
"What happened?" I ask him.
Steve pulls back, and touches my face. His big brown eyes staring into my soul.
"There were a few close calls. A few times when I wasn't sure I'd get to see you again, and all I wanted to do was come back and tell you," He explains to me, his words rushing together, and his voice almost hoarse as if he's holding back tears.
Although I know that the others have come out to greet Dustin, Steve and Nancy, It suddenly feels as if there is no one else here with us. I become aware of the way my chest rises and falls as I wait for him to finish.
"Tell me what?" I ask in a whisper.
Steve brushes the hair out of my face again, before looking into my eyes. I see tears beginning to well up in his.
"I... Charlee, I..."
"Cut!" Shawn yells out.
I blink my eyes, as Joe drops his hands from my face. He runs his hand through his hair and exhales.
"Fuck, sorry guys," Joe apologises for ruining the take.
"Don't worry, It happens," Shawn says, brushing off the mistake.
We run through the scene again, until Steve is holding my face, looking into my eyes again.
"Tell me what?" I ask in a whisper.
Steve opens his mouth, and pauses as he stares at me.
"Charlee..." He whispers.
My eyes grow wide, as I hear Joe say my name again, and he throws his head back as he realises his mistake.
"Don't worry! We can go again," Shawn yells out.
Joe shakes his head, and walks off. Leaving me standing there and watching him.
Shawn follows him, and I see Joe shaking his head at him.
Natalia walks over to me, and gently places her hand on my arm.
"Are you okay?" She asks me.
"I've ruined everything," I tell her flatly.
She shakes her head and goes to open her mouth, probably in protest, but I continue before she can try and comfort me with half truths and lies.
"I've ruined my friendship with Joe, my relationship with him, and now I'm ruining the show. How many times has filming been delayed because of me?" I ask.
I place my face in my hands, feeling overwhelmed by the gravity of what my decisions and fears have done, how they've affected the people around me.
Natalia gently takes my hands in her own, and pulls them away from my face, forcing me to look at her as she speaks.
"Shit happens. This is life. There's consequences for every action we take, and we absolutely cannot predict and mitigate every single possible outcome. Don't let what's happened consume you, just find a way to move forward. Besides, we're not behind on production, you deliver your lines in one take so often, it basically balances things out," Natalia reassures me.
I absorb her words, but can't find a way to believe them. I have to take responsibility for what my actions have caused, I don't know how I can forgive myself for what's happened.
I look over to Joe, and see him talking to Shawn still. His hands on his hips, as he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. He glances over at me, and our eyes lock. My lips involuntarily press themselves together in worry, and he stares at me for a moment, before saying something to Shawn and walking away.
Shawn comes over to Natalia and I, and lets us know that filming is done for the day, and he'll let us know when we are to reshoot the scene.
As soon as Shawn walks away, I go after Joe. I rush to his trailer, and knock on the door.
"Joe! Joe, please talk to me!" I shout out, trying to peer into the windows.
Noah pops his head out of the trailer next to Joe's, his eyes squinting and marks on his face, as if I'd woken him up.
"Sorry for waking you," I tell him.
"You didn't. Joe did. He just came and grabbed some stuff and left, he's not there," Noah tells me.
I thank Noah, and begin walking to my trailer. My mouth goes dry as I walk there. What have I done? How could I hurt Joe so much, when really this isn't even what I wanted? I knew things were bad, but now it's affecting our work.
Once I get to my trailer, I start looking for a towel to have a shower, but once I find one, I sit down on my couch, losing all motivation to keep moving.
I can't be bothered with this. I need to go home. I send a text to Maya and Robert, letting them know I am leaving for the day, and I grab my things and leave.
*****
I'm laying in bed with my book. I'm showered and in my comfy plaid pyjamas, and listening to the rain outside my window.
Everything seems to be in the perfect condition for me to relax, but my mind keeps wandering back to Joe, and to how much I dreaded hearing him say "I love you" today on set, but how disappointed I was when I didn't get to hear the words too.
How painful the look in his eyes were. How much I wish he was still mine, the way I'm still his.
I pick up my phone, and look at his name in my contacts. A phone call won't hurt, right? Maybe I can just make sure he's okay. Maybe I can apologise. Maybe I can beg him to come back to me.
As I'm thinking, I hear the dial tone and look down at my phone. I must have clicked dial as I was thinking. I panic, and hang up. I don't even know what to say to him.
After a minute or so, my phone begins to ring. I look, begrudgingly, and see that it's Joe. He must be ringing me back. I quickly grab my phone, and stuff it under my blankets, trying to prevent myself from being tempted to answer the phone.
Anything I say to him, is likely to make things worse. That's my track record anyway. That's my MO.
My ringtone stops, and my shoulders relax as I sigh. Relief washing over me. Maybe he'll think it was a buttdial and leave it. I begin to reach for my phone, when it starts to ring again, I look, already knowing who it is, and see that it's Joe.
I throw the phone under my blanket again, pick up my book and rush out of my room, slamming the door behind me.
As I sit down on the couch with my book, I notice I can still hear the faint ringing of my phone. I get up, and open my window slightly. The sound of the rain drowning out my ringer.
Satisfied with my problem solving skills, and ignoring the fact I seem to be the cause of all my problems, I sit back down on the couch and begin to read. After I finish my chapter, I prick my ears up, listening out for my ringtone, but hear nothing.
I smile to myself, and fight the urge to go back and pick up my phone. If he asks later, I'll say I must of dialed him by accident, and then left my phone in another room. A half truth. An easy lie.
I absorb myself back into the book. After a while, I hear banging and I think for a moment that the rain must have given way to a thunderstorm. I look out the window, for signs of lightning, when I realises the banging is actually knocking on my front door.
I fold over the corner of my page, and stand up. Slowly walking to the door. Maybe Maya and Robert have come over to distract me after a bad day.
When I open the door though, I don't see Maya, nor Robert.
Joe is standing there in a red hoodie and blue jeans, and both are absolutely soaked from the rain. His hair sits wet and flat on his head, and his chest is heaving as if he's out of breath.
"Are you okay?" I ask him, worried something bad had happened.
"Yeah, um.. Can I come in?" Joe asks, glancing down at his wet clothes, then back at me.
I ask him to wait a moment, and rush off to go and get a towel. When I come back, I hand it to him and he steps inside, trying to pat himself dry.
He takes off his hoodie, and I see his stomach peek through as his shirt lifts with it. I blush.
"Um... I think I have some clothes of yours in my room still, if you want to get dressed in something dry," I tell him, trying to avert my gaze.
Joe nods, and thanks me, leaving me alone in the living room trying to process what just happened, while he gets dressed.
Why is he so wet? Did he walk here? Why is he here?
When Joe comes back, he's dressed in gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt, and is patting his hair dry with the towel I got him.
"I left my clothes in the bathroom, I hope that's okay. I'll grab them when I leave," He informs me.
"Why are you so wet?" I ask him.
"I ran here," He tells me.
Ran? Why? From where?
He answers before I get the chance to ask him.
"When you didn't pick up, I got a bit worried, and I wanted to know why you called me, and I was just down the street getting some coffee, and so I just ran here," He tells me.
I stare at him.
"You ran in the rain?" I ask.
Joe just shrugs, as if it's obvious. As if anyone would have reacted the same way to a couple of unanswered phone calls.
"I had to see you," He says quietly, and my heartbeat quickens.
"Why did you call me?" He asks finally.
I take a deep breath.
"I was worried about you... after today," I tell him.
Joe licks his lips before asking me the next question.
"Why did you hang up? Why didn't you pick up?" He asks, quieter this time.
I look down, because looking at him, in his clothes that just came from my closet, with his hair wet and messy and his eyes looking at me that way, is just too intense.
"Because, I was worried that today was my fault. I was worried I'd make things worse. I was worried that I keep making things harder for you... for both of us," I tell him.
I wait for him to say something, but he's quiet. I slowly lift my head to look at him, and regret it immediately when I see the soft look on his face.
"What happened today?" I ask him, when he doesn't say anything.
Joe pushes his hair back out of his eyes, and looks around the room, before his eyes land back on me.
"I... I couldn't say that to you... not as Kaya. Not when I never got the chance to say it to you first," Joe tells me.
I drop my eyes as I run through my head what he is saying to me, what he means. I go to speak but my voice gets caught in my throat, and I need to clear it before I can talk.
"What?" I ask hoarsely.
"Charlee..." Joe pleads.
I look up, his eyes holding mine again.
"I'm in love with you, Charlee," He tells me.
I don't speak. I can't. Maybe I'm in shock. The rest of the room falls away, and it's like Joe and I are the only people to exist, not just in this apartment complex, or this world even, but everywhere; ever.
The room is silent. So silent, that all I can hear is the beating of both our hearts, and the sound of each long and heavy breath that both of us take. I stare. I'm still not talking.
"Charlee... Speak... Please," Joe pleads with me again.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I say to him, my heart breaking at the realisation of just how hard I'd broken his heart.
Joe looks away, and shakes his head slightly. I think he's annoyed with me. I take a step forward and reach out my hand to touch him, but he pulls away.
"I know that letting people in is hard for you," He tells me, "And, I know that you're still processing your brothers death. So I understand why you might think that ending us, that pushing me away might be the best thing for both of us, and that's why I want to respect your decision... But, I don't think It's what you want. When you look at me, when you talk to me... When you touch me, It doesn't feel like we're over. It doesn't feel like this is over. It doesn't feel like that's what you truly want,"
My gaze falters at what he's saying, and so does my resolve. What does holding us back from each other achieve? It was meant to prevent more pain, but it's hurting us both more than ever. I'd gone over this through my head so many times, and every time the answer is the same. I want him.
I walk towards him, until I'm standing directly in front of him. I gaze up into his eyes, then glance at his lips.
"Charlee," Joe whispers.
I reach out my hand to touch his cheek, but he pulls away again. I raise my eyebrows, confused. He leans down, his body so close to mine that his scent makes me dizzy.
"No touching," He whispers in my ear, before pulling back again.
My body breaks out in goosebumps.
"Joe?" I question.
"Not until you talk to me, Charlee," He says.
I swallow, and nod. He needs to hear where I stand.
"You're right. I pushed you away, because I got scared we'd hurt each other. I got scared of losing you, because I lost my brother. But, I was wrong, and I hurt us both by pushing you away, instead of saving us pain," I say to him, finally verbalising all the thoughts that had been swirling through my head.
A look of relief washes over his face, like these are the words he's been needing to hear for so long.
I take in a breath.
"I'm in love with you, Joe," I say.
Joe stares at me, and for a moment I'm unsure what he is going to say. Maybe, despite how we feel, he will decide I'm just too much work.
But, he rushes toward me, and one hand is holding my cheek and the other is on the back of my neck, and his mouth is on mine.
He is warm, and he tastes like the coffee he was drinking when he decided to run to my house in the pouring rain. A thought flitters through my brain momentarily - this feels like home, and I understand what Maya was saying to me earlier.
I kiss him back, alternating between soft and slow, and hard and rushed, making up for all the kisses we'd missed because of me. I run my hands through his wet hair, I missed touching his hair. Joe groans into my mouth, and we both chuckle.
Finally, we break free, panting.
"It actually physically hurt. Being away from you, I mean. I never want to do that again," Joe says, resting his forehead against mine.
"Me neither," I say.
—————
Another chapter done, yay! I've been waiting a very long time to do this one. I've had this one in my head since somewhere around the beginning of this story, and I'm so glad to have been able to bring it to life.
How do you feel about this one? Is this what you were hoping for, or did you want them to move on?
I want to thank you all, once again, for being so kind and patient with me. You make me excited to write and that's something so valuable about this site, and all of you.
See you all on the next one!