🎶 Champagne Problems
Published on 26.10.2022
❝ you had a speech, you're speechless,
love slipped beyond your reaches,
i couldn't give a reason,
champagne problems. ❞
🥀
Ayansh was seated on his place with his fingers clutching a pen as his hand trembled ever so slightly, his heart thumping due to uneasiness, his face tense and a few people surrounded him, watching him with something akin to pity and helplessness.
Inaaya stood a little away, letting her weight fall against the jamb of the glass door as she looked over at him, her face contorted into an expression of empathy.
"It's alright, Sir." Rohan said with a tired sigh and shook his head lightly to see how Ayansh wasn't ready to give up when he was clearly struggling to sign the papers due to the cast.
Ayansh remained silent, continuing to try despite the humiliation and incapability he felt.
"Not to sound rude but this is a waste of time." Alex muttered, earning a glare from Sameer, a 'shut up' mouthed by Felix and oblivious to him, Inaaya straightened up, digging holes in the back of his head by her glower.
Ayansh didn't pay heed. The frustration he felt from himself was way more bothering than getting offended by some petty comment.
Inaaya wanted to speak, say something to him but she didn't know what. How could she say to him to stop trying because it's visibly futile? It wasn't the broken wrist but the self-esteem which was being crushed as he struggled and failed while the people who are meant to look up at him were looking down at him. It had been fifteen minutes and he was still trying to do a proper signature of his on a spare paper before signing on the main documents and he was failing miserably. And everytime he failed, it just made the embarrassed, self-conscious part of him to try foolishly to succeed.
"Sir," Felix called out in a restraint tone. "It's really not that urgent. You and we both know that with the cast, you won't be able to."
Ayansh clenched his teeth and after a few seconds, he let the pen drop, his gaze on the paper which was scribbled as if a child had been practicing how to write. Alex heaved a breath of relief.
Emma picked up the main documents from the table. Inaaya had her gaze fixed on Ayansh and her heart squeezed in her chest to watch him disheartened and disappointed and unable to look up and meet anyone's eyes. She noticed how he had fisted his left hand and the irrational part of her wanted to hug him, tell him that it's not a big deal as his overthinking brain might be making of it and most importantly there's nothing to feel embarassed about. She hoped he could look up at her once.
"Sir," Emma addressed him and her voice was normal, no unnecessary pity or any other emotion laced it. "It's okay to give up," she stated. "You tried, gave your best, it didn't work out and it's fine. You did what you could. Now, you can't force something to work in your favour when it's obvious it doesn't want to. Really not a big deal." She shrugged.
Inaaya heard that and maybe it was a small, simple thing to say but all of a sudden, she got a new perspective, something she might have forgotten or overlooked, she didn't know.
People moved but she stayed.
She watched Ayansh who had his head hung low, trapped in his own frailty and although, she didn't how she could help him, she knew what she had to do for herself. She glanced up at Sameer and then turned around and walked out of the office.
A decision had to be taken.
A decision was taken.
Inaaya texted Josh to meet her at a restaurant in the evening. She specified the address and time and said she had to talk about something important.
"It's okay to give up."
The words echoed in her mind the entire day, not in a haunting way but more in a comforting manner, like a shoulder you didn't know you needed to lean on.
Sometimes, we're so desperate to prove one possibility wrong that we start seeking other possibilities, not acknowledging that maybe what they'll ever be is just a possibility and never a reality.
Inaaya clutched the sides of her blue jacket as she walked inside, her eyes searching for Josh and on finding him, her feet leading upto him.
"You're late." Josh told her, not holding anything against her but slightly amused.
This was him, jolly and happy go lucky, pretty chilled out and always generous.
"I know." She breathed out and took her place across Josh, keeping her handbag beside her. "I just- I don't know- I was preparing myself on how to talk to you?"
Josh squinted his eyes, the amusement leaving his face and she averted her gaze, clasping her hands on the table. "What's wrong?"
Silence blanketed over them before Inaaya decided to let it crack like a mirror breaking into uncountable pieces. "I want to breakup." Of all the things, she had thought she would say before it lead to the main point, nothing came close to this.
"Excuse me?" He asked, thinking he might have heard it wrong.
Inaaya looked at him, putting up a brave face. "I want to breakup, Josh." She repeated, slowly, firmly.
Josh kept quiet, waiting for her to elaborate but when she didn't, a chuckle spilled out of his lips. "You were fine till yesterday. We were fine till yesterday. Then, what happened?"
Inaaya turned her face to him, a scary realisation settling within her. Had she gotten so good at pretense that her boyfriend of a few months couldn't see that she was never fine or he just didn't want to?
"Is it because of Ayansh? Is it because he returned? Or did I do something that upset you? Tell me, Inaaya. Maybe we could fix it. Tell me it's just an impulsive decision of yours and you haven't actually thought about it. Why- "
"Josh!" Her voice trembled as she uttered his name. "It's not you or him. It's me. I'm the problem. It was bound to happen." She whispered, her eyes glassed with unshed tears. "It would've happened even with Ayansh not being in the picture. Maybe later, but it would've." She tried to reach for his hand but he pulled back and shook his head.
"No, Ina. I don't get it." He titled his neck upward, taking deep breaths to not let his tone pitch higher and attract attention from the people around. "What went wrong?" He mumbled.
Inaaya stared at him helplessly. She wished things could've been different, she wished she never had to do this, she wished if she could go in the past and undo the time she said 'yes' when he proposed her but she couldn't. They're just infinite possibilities and not a probable reality.
"I give up." She bit her lower lip. "You've been great, Josh." She looked down at her clasped hands. "You gave me more than I deserved; respected my space, my boundaries, never forced me for anything, gave me as much time as I needed but I fear if we're together, that's all you'll ever do." She forced herself to meet his questionable, vulnerable eyes. "Wait. You'll keep waiting and I'll never come along. I tried, I really did but now, I feel maybe I shouldn't have begin in the first place."
"I feel as if..... as if I don't know you anymore." He said feeling a pang of betrayal.
"You don't." She said in an instant. "I don't know if I even know myself." She let's out a ridiculous laugh.
A waiter comes to take their orders and Inaaya looks away to blink back the tears. When she refuses to place any order, Josh doesn't force her and orders a drink for himself.
"I'm sorry but.... ," she stops, mustering courage to continue without letting her voice waver. "But I don't think I've been myself for a long time. I thought if I tried enough I would be able to give you enough, be enough for you but clearly it isn't the case because this isn't me. I've always been sorted, clear in my head about what I wanted and I never settled for anything less than I felt I deserved. I'm sorry, Josh." She grits her teeth as a lone tear slips from the crevice of her eye and cascades down her cheek.
"You keep trying to make me feel special, do some really sweet things but I can't bring myself to feel as excited as I should about those gestures. You don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. Ayansh— Ayansh was right when he said I only say sorry when I mean it but I don't know when was the last time I said sorry because I actually meant it instead of feeling obliged." She looked at him guiltily as more tears followed the trail.
Josh glanced at her, his own eyes a myriad of emotions, hurt being the most prominent. He pushed the box of tissues towards her and gestured towards it. "Are you really sorry right now?" He asked cautiously, wary of her answer.
"For breaking up with you? No. Do I feel bad for you? Yes. I'm sorry for what I did with you, for being delusional that my attraction towards you could actually lead to something more, for hanging on for so long and and forcing myself to reciprocate your efforts and time when deep down I knew I would never be able to. You deserve better than someone like me." Inaaya sighed, clearing her vision, wiping her tears with the help of a tissue. "You deserve better that an emotionally unavailable person like me."
Josh leaned back in his chair and a throaty chuckle left him. "Wow." He said, a tinge of bitterness lacing his voice. "I don't know what to say."
The waiter kept the drink of the table and left.
Inaaya stared at him remorsefully, not knowing what more to say.
"What's your favourite colour by the way?" He asked casually, taking a sip of his drink.
"Lavender." She answered solemnly and he nodded.
"Why didn't you ever correct me?"
She pursed her lips and squared her shoulders as she whispered, "I don't know."
"I never asked you to compromise, Ina." He pleaded out in a soft voice.
"No, you didn't but that doesn't mean you keep giving while I keep absorbing until you've nothing left." Her voice came out strained as she tried to swallow back the sob. "It's emotionally draining to be with someone who doesn't feel for you the way you feel for them and that someone in this equation is me. I'm sorry for being this way but I can't help it. I'm tired of trying, tired of acting as if one fine day, I'll wake up and realise that I'm in love with someone else, truly and freely while that day doesn't seem to come."
Josh watched with crossed arms as Inaaya propped her elbows on the table and pressed her head in the cradle of her palms, sniffling softly.
"So.... it's really done?" He inquired in a small voice, his eyelashes fluttering to keep the tears at bay.
"Yeah." Inaaya gulped.
"Is there anything that I can do?" He asked although he knew the answer.
Inaaya shook her head slowly in denial and heard him exhale sharply.
"I really liked you, you know?" He smiled sadly.
"I do." She pressed her fist against her mouth.
"I really thought that maybe we've a chance in the long run."
"I'm sorry."
"I admire you a lot. You're a beautiful person and that's never going to change. I'm glad to have crossed paths with- "
"Josh," a sob escaped her, "don't say all this. Stop. I don't- I don't deserve it. I'm so sorry."
Josh got up from his chair and stepped beside her, clutching her wrists and then, pulled her head into his stomach, wrapping his hands around her as she limply let her arms fall around his waist. Her sobs getting muffled into the fabric of his shirt.
"See, now, you're making me feel awful by saying sorry when I know you don't mean it." He tried to lighten the mood.
"I mean it." She cribbed and he giggled.
"I won't say I don't feel bad but I get where you're coming from. And I mean it when I say I'm glad to have met you." He spoke truthfully as she pulled back and stared into his eyes, looking for any hint of pretense.
Inaaya huffed and sniffled, looking away and shaking her head in mild disbelief.
Josh got back to his chair.
"I should be the one saying these stuffs." She muttered, feeling in control of her emotions once again.
"Nope." Josh denied with a click of his tongue and stared at her with a gloomy expression. "You should be the cliche one asking if we could be friends or you actually don't want to be associated with me at all?"
Inaaya admired his strength at that moment. The way he masked his pain with humour and with so much casualness, she could never. She smiled at him hopelessly. "You're a gem of a person and it's my bad luck that I can't treasure you. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with you. I would love to, really." She admitted. "But it's your call. It's more tough for you than me and I don't want to put you in a spot. The choice is yours and I respect whatever it is."
Josh gave her a kind smile and raked a hand through his hair frustratedly. "I'm sorry." He said, his lips thinning into a straight line. "I don't know. It's- it just, it hurts. It really does, Ina. I guess I need some time."
"I understand." She said sincerely. "It's fine. And- ," her shoulders slumped when she didn't find anything else to say.
Josh let out a dry laugh. "I appreciate that you'd guts to acknowledge that we'll never work out. I— I still don't know if it's because you feel that you'll never be enough or because you're still stuck on Ayansh but Inaaya, I hope you find what you deserve. I will always hope for the best for you, for you to be happy, be it with someone else or just with yourself."
Inaaya stays quiet, her brain stuck on the mention of Ayansh by Josh, a sharp pain shooting up her spine at the dreadful possibility of maybe she never moved on from Ayansh, not even a bit.
This isn't the time to think of him.
The voice within her stated firmly and she collected herself and looked up again at Josh. "Your maturity is really sexy, you know?" She smiled at him.
"I fear it isn't the same with you." He retorted in the same tone. "Flirting with the guy you just broke up with? Not very mature, I say."
She rolled her eyes. The best thing about Josh? He was easy going, always found a way to have a graceful reaction to the worst of situations. "I wish you get everything you deserve and more, everything that I could've never been, everything that I lacked."
He nodded faintly and ducked his head, taking the glass of his drink and sipping it slowly, not meeting her gaze for he feared that he would not be able to hold himself for a long time.
"I guess, I should leave." Inaaya said quietly, understanding that he might need space and maybe she needed the same the most.
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"So it's over, really?"
"Yes, Josh." Inaaya replied softly.
"Okay."
"Okay." She said finally. "Thank you for everything. Take care."
"Take care."
***
Lemme know what y'all feel about the chapter because I feel so clueless at the moment.
Also, finally I think the story will get some pace.
• Thank you for reading •