Pro-Tip for Vampires #54: vampires suck
I burst into the apartment like some type of wildman, breathing heavy from the building panic and the exhilaration of running the last ten blocks home. This entry had the unfortunate effect of causing Doreen to fumble and almost drop the tray of freshly baked cookies from her hands.
"Jesus, Bob! You scared the shit out of me!"
"I'm freaking out. Can you tell I'm freaking out, because I'm fucking freaking out!" I said it all at once, almost gibberish, but I didn't care.
The door slammed shut behind me, and Doreen jumped again. I noticed the cookies on the baking tray that was definitely not mine because I didn't own a baking tray, did I? And what was she doing baking at 5:27 in the morning anyway? So many questions, so of course, I asked the most important one.
"Are those chocolate chip?"
Doreen opened her mouth to give an answer that I didn't bother to wait for. I grabbed two cookies and shoved the first one into my mouth, suddenly ravenous.
"Why are you freaking out this much?" She asked, then her face fell as something occurred to her. "Is Beatrice okay?"
I almost laughed at that one. Sure, the last time I had seen Beatrice, she and Louise were beating the shit out of each other, not sparing the immediate surroundings, but Beatrice was a survivor. I had no doubt she was lurking out there somewhere, plotting and scheming.
"Yeah, yeah, she's probably fine. But me? Well, my ex is pregnant, and I think it's mine, but I never got the chance to ask because I have this six thousand-year-old vampire brain parasite in my head, and he's making me want to do bad shit, and I can't get him out even though I want him gone and then he almost made me bite my ex! I can't even make plans to get him out because he's in my head, watching my every move! Shut up!"
"I didn't say anything."
"Not you! Him!" I pointed at my head, feeling a little stupid.
I will bide my time, boy, Ibrahaim interjected.
Doreen latched on to the one thing I said that had made some kind of sense. "You're going to be a father? You?"
Her face painted a picture of how skeptical she was at the idea, and I couldn't help but agree with her, but there was no way I was going to say that out loud.
"I think so," I said instead and sulkily bit the other cookie. "I don't know... Maybe?"
Doreen nodded slowly, processing this new information. "Have you tried an exorcism?"
"Just to be clear, this exorcism is for the thing in my head, not the baby I just told you I'm going to be the father of, right?"
"Yeah, exactly that." Doreen hurried over to the coffee table, and for the first time, I noticed that it was covered in various religious paraphernalia, thick leather-bound books, and a couple of printouts with variations of the word 'vampire,' complete with extremely graphic illustrations.
"Whoa, did you rob a magic shop or something?"
"Your friend 'John Smith' was looking for you. He left a few of the older ones. The rest of them I borrowed from work." She glanced at me and rolled her eyes at my blank look. "I'm a librarian, Bob. We talked about this, remember?"
I shook my head slowly, still trying to pull in that memory, but I was getting absolutely nothing. I actually wanted to ask her about exactly when Claude had dropped by, but Doreen sighed heavily and continued to look through the pile.
"Well, if you're possessed, that explains a lot. You've been a bit hot and cold the past couple of weeks, and since I couldn't figure out if it was a vampire thing or you just being a dick, I had to do some research."
"Yeah, that tracks," I admitted and polished off the cookie. "That's a damn good cookie!"
"Have as many as you like."
I grabbed two more from the definitely-not-my cookie sheet. Can't beat hot and ready.
Doreen poked through the pile, clearly looking for something. She produced a black leather-bound bible and held it up triumphantly as she bounced to her feet. "Knew I had it!"
"You know religious stuff doesn't work on vampires, right?" I scoffed, but inside, I could feel a wariness from Ibrahaim.
"You sure? It's worth a try." Doreen shrugged, leaving the possibility hanging.
I tried hard not to think of what it was that I was supposed not to be thinking about. Do you know how hard that is? I don't think you do! I found myself backing away from Doreen, the Bible in her hands suddenly threatening.
"I'll think about it and tell you in the morning," I said unconvincingly. I sidled past Doreen with designs on the bedroom door. The mural of Beatrice seemed to leer at me, but that was just my imagination. I turned back when I reached the door to my bedroom. "Thanks for the cookies, Doreen."
I yawned and stumbled toward the bed, meaning to peel my clothes off. I was suddenly unreasonably drowsy, my lids heavy and eyes unfocused, almost as if I had been drugged.
I glanced at the cookie in my hand and, for the first time, realized that Doreen hadn't eaten any of them. It was almost as if they had been made just for me...
I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
***
I opened my eyes, going from sleeping to full awake in an instant, and goddammit, I was pissed.
My first reaction was to lunge upward as adrenaline rushed through me all at once, fueled by rage and not a little bit of panic. However, that was definitely not going to happen. See, I had been tied to the bed while I was sleeping. One strap was directly across my forehead, another across my chest, then my waist and thighs. My wrists and ankles were bound.
I couldn't fucking move.
"FUCK!" I screamed.
"Oh, settle down, Bob," Louise said calmly from beside the bed. I whipped my head to look at my friend, glad to hear her voice but terrified at the same time.
"You're here to kill me, aren't you?"
"Now, why would you think that?"
"The last time I saw you, you were definitely looking a little stabby."
"Heat of the moment, nothing more. I do apologize if I scared the shit out of you."
"Heat of the moment?"
"Oh, I would have only killed you a little bit. You would have hardly noticed. Barely an inconvenience. It's the only way you see."
"The only way for what?"
"To get that nasty spirit out of your head, of course. Lucky for you, Doreen found a much less painless solution, so now I don't have to kill you anymore."
I realized then, as she spoke, that I could no longer feel Ibrahaim in the corner of my brain anymore. No whispers, no constant testing of my will, no drip, drip, drip of deadly intent. It was peaceful, only the usual inappropriate thoughts and nothing tinged with murdering everyone in sight and bathing in their blood. Not even a little.
"He's gone," I said in wonder, and Louise gave the thumbs up. "Oh my gods, he's actually gone!"
Louise worked to loosen my straps while she talked. "You're wearing a pure silver amulet chain around your neck. It had to be a complete circle to work, so it had to be melted shut. Doreen found all of these different stories about using silver against vampires, and as usual, the details are wrong. If you know how to read between the lines, you can see that the stories all had one thing in common."
I pulled on my vague knowledge of vampires that I had gleaned from movies and comic books. "Isn't silver supposed to burn or something? Or was that only for werewolves?"
"The Lore says it's supposed to burn a vampire and render them unable to move. Its actual use, however, is to prevent against psychic attacks from vampires. Little known fact."
"So it gives people a plus ten against vampire psychic attacks."
"If you want to put it in a complete nerd context, then sure."
I sat up and felt the flexible round band around my neck. I'd half expected it to burn my fingers, then mentally slapped myself. The chain rested on the bare skin of my neck and would have burned my skin already. It was surprisingly cool to the touch.
Louise continued. "It also gives us vampires a similar protection—"
"Which is why Crusty-the-fucked-up-vampire is out of my head!" I finished for her. "Holy shit, this is amazing. I could hug yo— what the FUCK IS THAT?" I yelled, jumping up on the bed and pointing at the twisted thing in the corner of the room behind Louise.
Louise jumped as if I had yelled "mouse" and ended up on the bed with me, trying to see what I was hiding from.
"What? What is it? I don't see anything!"
"Right there! In the corner!"
"I'm looking at the corner, you twat!"
"It's right in front of you!"
"Well, I don't see it! You're taking the piss, aren't you?"
I pointed to the dark shadow with its long inhuman limbs and red eyes that glared hatred at me from the corner of the room. Its lip curled in contempt, revealing the memory of sharp teeth that promised a slow and painful death. Somehow it felt familiar--
Holy shit.
"Holy shit," I breathed, not looking away from the shadow. "That's Ibrahaim, right fucking there."
Louise shook her head in wonder as she got down off the bed. Obviously, she still couldn't see a thing, but she was taking my word for it and being cautious. "You can actually see him then? Right there?"
"Yeah, fucker is right fucking there." I gave the shadow a defiant middle finger. "At least he's not in my head anymore, but damn, that's really fucking disturbing." A thought occurred to me. "Is he always going to be there? Because that's going to make masturbation really not fun."
"And we are officially changing the subject! Claude! Doreen!" Louise yelled out. "Get in here!"
"Claude is here?" I couldn't help the stupid grin that threatened to split my head in half.
Claude stepped into the doorway and waved casually, a half-eaten cookie in one hand.
"Want a cookie, dude? Doreen made a fresh batch."
"With or without the drugs?" I sulked, planning revenge. "It was your idea to drug me, wasn't it? What the hell was that anyway?"
"A flower called Devil's Breath, courtesy of Countess Vera," Claude replied and stuffed the rest of the cookie into his mouth. "She says hi, by the way."
I should have figured he would have somehow made friends with Countess Vera. Just like Claude to have wheedled his way into the good graces of one of the most powerful vampires in town.
Doreen popped out from where she was hiding behind Claude and waved sheepishly. "Hi, Bob. Sorry about the drugs, Bob."
"They were really good cookies, though," I grumbled.
Louise had had enough of the pleasantries. "How much of all that did you guys hear?"
"Pretty much all of it," Claude replied, and Doreen nodded, a concerned look on her face. "Kinda creepy, but it checks out... in theory, at least." Claude checked out the corners of the room, just to be sure. "The silver doesn't get rid of Ibrahaim. It just lessens the effect of the connection, I guess?"
"That's the protection against psychic forces part," Doreen piped up helpfully. "In the books, it's usually followed with a stake to the heart... or cutting off the head."
My hands automatically went to my throat for added protection. The cool silver chain was a calming reminder that I was somewhat safe. But I still had my doubts.
"I'm not having that thing follow me around forever," I said, glaring at the shadow that no one else could see. "It's really fucking creepy. How do we get rid of it?"
"Oh, that part is easy. We've had old Crusty's corpse on ice at Countess Vera's. She's very concerned about getting the two of them reunited. The Countess does a thing, he pops back into his body, and we walk away into the sunset like badasses, but without a fiery explosion in the background."
The shadow in the corner seemed to be glaring at me more menacingly than before. I tried not to be intimidated, but honestly, that was really fucking difficult. Claude was making this seem so easy, but something was missing that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
"What if... what if... and hear me out here: what if he doesn't want to go back into his body?"
"Remember that part when I was going to have to kill you?" Louise said way too casually.
I shook my head and bounced off the bed before storming out into the living room, forcing Louise to chase after me. Claude and Doreen had to step aside to let me pass or get run over.
"Nope. Nope, nope, nope. All the nopes. Nobody's killing me!"
"Oh, relax," Louise said soothingly. "You're a vampire now. You get to come back."
"Usually," Claude said. "Cookie?"
"Wait, what? Explain the 'usually' part?"
Louise deflated, looking a little lost, and that was the scariest part of it all. She was supposed to have all of the answers, and between her, Claude and Doreen, I had been convinced they had it all figured out.
"This is the first time anybody is even trying this," Louise admitted. "I'm actually surprised that the silver even worked, to be honest. We do have a lot more information at our disposal these days, but there's also a lot of disinformation that was put out by different vampire sects."
A light seemed to click on in Doreen's head. "You guys put out deliberate lies to protect yourselves," she said wonderingly. "No wonder so much of it is all wrong."
"Yeah, and nobody kept track of what was true, so it's gotten all mixed up."
Something came to mind. "I turned into bats last night," I said, and that stunned everyone into silence.
"What? Like hundreds of little bats?"
"I suppose so. I mean, I couldn't see them, but everyone else could. It was a glammering thing that Ibrahaim made me do."
Louise thought about it and conceded. "Wow, that actually makes sense. That's pretty high level."
I was determined to get back to what was bothering me. "Has this possession thing happened before?"
"Not like this. Sebastien--"
"Cocksucker," I said automatically.
Louise continued, undeterred. "-- was supposed to be the one getting possessed, not you. He'd been training for it for the past ten years. He wanted it. He was ready for it. It's this thing they do for the Old Masters like every fifty years or so. They let them out into a new body for a while, then put them back into their old bodies and forget about them for a bit. There are entire cults around the worship of those old bastards. The hosts are usually rewarded and held in high regard, so, of course, Sebastien wanted it. It was an easy ticket to fortune and fame."
Whoa. That was a lot to digest.
"And then I came along and fucked things up. Wow."
"I really do wish I'd made you come with me," Louise said.
"Don't beat yourself up too much," Claude said. "My job was to steal the body before that happened and deliver it to my client, but this job was scuffed before I even started. The Countess was onto us from the word go, so I'm not getting paid for that job, but..."
"I don't think I like where this is going. That is a very heavy pause."
"I promise, it's all good. It's like I said. We get you to the House of the Dead, and Countess Vera fixes everything. You get rid of Ibrahaim, I get paid, and everybody's happy."
Here's the thing: I was there listening to all of this and it sounded great, way too perfect, but I was facing the mural and my eyes kept being drawn to Beatrice's face. Nobody else was looking, only me, and all of the time, I just had this sinking feeling in my gut.
"So where is Beatrice in all of this?"
Claude and Louise exchanged a look that communicated way too much in a single glance. Apparently, they had been doing a lot of talking while I was off playing boy-puppet to Ibrahaim's whims.
"Beatrice had some kind of deal with Ibrahaim, a deal she was willing to fight you to the death over Louise? That was only just last night, so what the fuck, man? How are you even still standing?"
"Me and Beatrice have a complicated history. I think she actually gets a kick out of fighting me because she knows I'll kick her ass. Don't worry: I gave her the beating she was looking for last night. She's going to be recovering for a couple of days."
"You know she's certifiably insane, right? You shouldn't underestimate her."
"I said it's fine, Bob," Louise snapped, then seemed to realize she was being a jerk. "Look, I'm sorry about that. We're all on edge... What's really going on with you here?"
"Jaime's pregnant, and I think it's mine," I blurted out. I was satisfied by the surprise on their faces. "I'm scared that this is all going to go wrong, and I'm going to end up dead or worse: turning into a monster because Ibrahaim is going to find a way to get back in my head. I don't think I can fight him this time, you guys. I'm scared that he's going to win, and I'm going to be helpless while he tears you all to pieces. And then, just to fuck with me, he goes back and kills Jaime."
I sat down.
"Whatever we're doing here has to work you guys. It has to."
<<<<< END OF CHAPTER 20>>>>>
Soundtrack: A Touch of Evil - Judas Priest